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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Utterly heartbroken pt2 - baby steps forward

101 replies

colouringindoors · 23/04/2022 13:27

I've had so much amazing support and advice on thread 1:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4447267-Utterly-utterly-heartbroken?page=10&reply=116823741

My first and very significant relationship, following the end of a long traumatic marriage, ended in January leaving me devastated. A lot of trauma plus single parent to two teens with disabilities/asd plus severe chronic pain folowing back injury 2 years ago mean my resilience is very small.

Seems the end of this first relationship post unhappy marriage has also been v difficult for many others. As is the end of others' relationships.

So this thread is here for me as I try to make progress, and for anyone else struggling who'd like to join.

Lots of excellent advice on first thread too.

💐

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/04/2022 14:49

Checking in !

WhisperingJesse · 23/04/2022 17:57

Also checking in!

Itsmewithanewname · 23/04/2022 20:32

@colouringindoors my relationship too was the first post divorce.. I truly felt so connected, in love, as I'd never in my marriage. I thought I was finally sorted and I'd somehow earned a good relationship after many years in an abusive marriage. I feel like such an idiot for believing I'd found a happily ever after.. not trying to be maudlin but just looking at the facts. He dumped me out of the blue, no warning.

I'm succeeding somewhat with no contact.. but I do occasionally contact him on friendly topics.. I can't delete him and I honestly don't want to. But I'm a better person now ☺️ I was leaning in him too much and wanting more from him which is probably why he ended it. I'm keeping busy and it's kind of nice not having the constant messaging, we used to send so many & I'd tell him all the details of my day. So time consuming

Itsmewithanewname · 23/04/2022 20:34

Whoops, still no edit button! I leaned on him, not in him ...

Homebaby · 23/04/2022 22:54

@colouringindoors I'm here 😊 good to see you have created another thread! By the end of this one I hope we're all in a better place! Until then you, me and everyone else have a place to turn to.

colouringindoors · 23/04/2022 22:57

Thank you. Me too 😊

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colouringindoors · 24/04/2022 00:09

Confession time. I met ex for coffee Friday. I wanted to ask him something and see if I still wanted him. Annoyingly I do. So that won't be happening again. Still in love with him despite him being rubbish, cowardly and emotionally damaged. He's never going to change his mind. Repeat x lots.

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colouringindoors · 24/04/2022 23:20

Back to NC this week. Fkn hate him.

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WaiveringKate · 25/04/2022 16:58

Oh gosh @colouringindoors did he invite you for coffee?

Itsmewithanewname · 25/04/2022 17:59

@colouringindoors so sorry to hear that. Just remember that your feelings may be more to do with the loss of a relationship, like a bereavement, rather than just being perpetually in love with him. We've all had our happily ever after's yanked out from under us and I can see that it's the hopes and dreams for the future rather than just the (blatantly imperfect) man himself who I miss.

It's sad, though.. I am ever hopeful of a message, or knock in the door, and him saying how ridiculous this is and that he desperately wants 'us' back. I sobbed my heart out at "you had me at hello" in Jerry Maguire, which I shouldn't have watched 😭 a few weeks ago. But now I'm focusing on making myself a better, more interesting and attractive person and it's helping. And I can do it on my own timescale.

Itsmewithanewname · 25/04/2022 18:01

And don't waste your time hating him. Indifference is so much better..

colouringindoors · 25/04/2022 18:07

@WaiveringKate no it was me. I wanted to ask him something and also see if/how much I was still attracted to him (loads 🙄)

@Itsmewithanewname yeah it's a mixture I do really love being with him etc... But it was also the pleasure and relief of not being lonely and hopefully not having to find someone again. The prospect of dating etc and jfinding someone I really care about is v daunting. I'd never been remotely interested in anyone since meeting my exh nearly 30 yrs ago, til I met this ex. I don't fall in love often. I don't make friends quickly...

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Sakura7 · 25/04/2022 18:27

Happened to me several years ago and it's the hardest thing I've ever been through (and unfortunately I've been through a lot). You're all doing great and you will get through this.

Mine was a long term relationship, living together, heading towards marriage, and then one day he just dumped me completely out of the blue.

The shock was horrific. The sheer pain, the constant crying, not being able to see a future. The total confusion, wondering how he could change so suddenly. He was also my work colleague and that was very tough.

I was extremely low for the first few weeks and then had very gradual improvements after that. Overall I'd say it took about 4 months to get over him, and another 4 months to adjust to my new life. I got a cat which really helped, then had a fling which was fun.

My ex was a crap partner, emotionally stunted, immature and a total commitment phobe. I just didn't know any better at the time. I'm now about to marry the most amazing man, who is 100000% better for me than my pathetic ex. He's loving, kind, affectionate and not afraid to show it. We are so much better suited.

Saw the ex walking down the street a few weeks ago with a woman. Time has not been kind to him, and I just felt sorry for his new partner having to put up with his shit.

It's does get better. And whatever you do, don't message him. Block his number right now and you can always undo it when you're in a better state of mind.

colouringindoors · 25/04/2022 22:11

Thank you @Sakura7 it's really good to hear you're happy now. Like you I've been through a LOT of shit, but bloody hell this is tough. Can I ask how you met your fiancé? 😉

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Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/04/2022 15:00

colouringindoors
im sorry you saw him ! I can only imagine how that felt afterwards
shit ?

right now I’m in a pickle and what I really want is to be content single for a while
I look back at the past 10 months and I’ve been obsessed with one guy and then straight into another

Im frustrated with how sad and de energised i am by the ending of a fling , with someone that really wasn’t the kindest in one ways

are we missing being wanted, someone special?

i can’t get my head around what I’m pining for

and I need to get my mojo back

colouringindoors · 26/04/2022 20:11

are we missing being wanted, someone special?

Definitely! It does soubd like it woukd be good for you to have a break from relationships for a bit and just gather yourself, if that makes sense? I know that's not easy though...

Well I think I have found a gardening/horticulture course to do come Sept, now need a new job to go with it...

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Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/04/2022 20:15

Me Neighbiur told me I also need a hobby ! So go you
yes I think it’s wanting to be needed and it’s not super healthy …. As a dynamic

I also agree that a pause is needed as as fun as it’s been the stress of dating has been - for me high

what happened with your job ?

Itsmewithanewname · 26/04/2022 20:59

@colouringindoors I quit my main job and am now doing freelance gardening Grin loving the thinking space it gives me! I can live with the erratic income, at least through the weed season.

@Thisisworsethananticpated it's definitely that. I felt so proud and desirable as part of a couple.

colouringindoors · 26/04/2022 21:04

@Itsmewithanewname oh wow I am looking for a gardening job to get me out of my awful current job 😁

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colouringindoors · 26/04/2022 23:18

@Thisisworsethananticpated its shit pay, HR are demeaning bordering on bullying and my boss who I have some good banter with is leaving end of July... I need to earn more esp as dd turns 18 soon and I'll loose her tax credits and child benefit. Plus I need something that has prospects...

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colouringindoors · 27/04/2022 18:23

@itsmewithanewname do you mind me askingvwhat you charge? I think I'm going to sign up to do an RHS horticulture course...

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Sunin · 27/04/2022 22:17

Hi @colouringindoors how are you feeling today? If you don't mind me asking is your ex back with his ex? I know you both had a meet up. How is he feeling about it all?

Unrequited love is shit.

milkandhoneyy · 28/04/2022 12:26

Thanks for the new thread colouring.

Hate to admit it...
Ex and I attempted to reconcile, things were going well for a couple of weeks until 2 days ago when we had a silly argument and now he is completely ignoring all texts and calls. We don't live together. I'm back at square one. Day off today and I'm in bed crying. Can't believe I let him back into my life for him to ghost me like I mean nothing rather than just communicate.
When he does this I just stare at my phone all day and wait. The ignoring is upsetting me more than anything. I've sent him several texts over the last couple of days so he knows that I'm concerned about us and want to find a resolution, but still no reply despite being online. Seems manipulative. Or does he really just need space to think?

I can't seem to let go of this man even though I know things are toxic. Starting the grieving/moving on process again feels too much to bare.

Apologies for the vent.

colouringindoors · 28/04/2022 14:01

@milkandhoneyy oh you poor thing x I'm so sorry it didn't work and you're feeling so awful. Don't apologise for venting, go for it x

Maybe you need to take today to really grieve. Beyond that I can o ly suggest going NC, distracting yourself (Gilmore Girls on Netflix helped me) and going NC.

Somewhere on the preciois thread was a very good Ted Tall about how addictive these types of relationships are. And about writing a List of all the things about him that you didn't like, that annoyed you etc and every time you're having feelings for him, read it.

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colouringindoors · 28/04/2022 14:02

sorry for typos, come down with a virus (covid x2??) and feeling shit.

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