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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shitty comment or am I being pathetic

170 replies

N022330 · 21/04/2022 21:59

Hey
Ive been seeing a guy for around 9-10 weeks.
He’s lovely and good with the kids. But sometimes says things I don’t think he realises is a bit shitty. There’s been 2 or 3 occasions he’s said something and I felt offended by it.
I’m just going to use tonight as an example.
i have 3 children and have stretch marks on my tummy and I am quite self conscious about it, he knows this.
tonight we were watching a film and we were talking about a woman on it and I said well she definitely doesn’t have a tummy like me . And we both laughed and he agreed and said yeah if you had a tummy like that you wouldn’t be with me you’d be with someone better.

I dont know why exactly but I instantly felt like I had been stabbed in the tummy and made me feel like shit.

what do you all think of this am I being over sensitive xx

OP posts:
ForRealThough · 22/04/2022 12:11

Absolutely that. Judgement, horrible women who love to kick other people to make themselves feel better

100% agree. Where do these awful women come from? Of course mothers should wait till they have an established relationship before introducing children. But there is a way of saying this to someone without verbally attacking them and being spiteful and accusatory.

Fact is there really are a lot of rather nasty and angry women on MN. Some threads become pile-ons of abuse - all saying the same thing to an OP. Like the thread on men on MN, another recent example.. If they can virtue-signal about their intentions all the better!

I doubt OP will be back and who could blame her.

FabFitFifties · 22/04/2022 12:37

It's difficult to advice on the example given OP - I think he was clumsily trying to be nice, and suggest your tummy is no problem to him. His other comments might help to put this into context. Unfortunately, as your thread has been fantastically derailed, I don't think we are going to hear them. Trust your gut, or stay alert, at this stage for red flags stacking up 💐

fruitbrewhaha · 22/04/2022 12:52

OP, if you're still reading. You are unsure about this guy because you don't really know him yet. This is why we date. We spend time with someone, doing various nice things and other activities. You get to know other other and work out if you are compatible. Whether you share the same goals and aspirations, same attitudes, politics, relationship to money, family and friends. You take your time to work all this shit out and then, when you think someone is a keeper you introduce them to your kids, and not before.

You don't really know him yet, hence the apprehension over this one comment. On its own it's fine. Just making a depreciating joke to which you could have answered, "yeah, if I had her body you wouldn't see me for dust, but then I bet she wouldn't have cooked you that nice dinner" or something.

The reason for holding off on introducing them to your children is a matter of safety. This bloke could be dangerous. He could be a twat who puts you down in front of your children and messes with their heads. But also he just may not be "the one" and they may like him and be disappointed if it doesn't work out because it's hard for children to understand that you may cut him out of your lives completely.

Also for you OP. Keep guys are arms length until you're sure. There are hundreds and hundreds and threads on here of women with shit boyfriends who have moved in after 6 months and are a waste of space but by this point the OP is expecting or it's too hard to extract him from her and her children's lives.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 22/04/2022 13:11

**'m a single mum. Introducing a man you barely know to your children is a massive no. Massive no. You dont know this man.

It doesnt matter if you've told your kids he is a friend. It isnt about what they think he is. It is about a man you barely know having unfettered access to your kids. And because you've told them he is a friend, they wont have any reason to be wary.

You dont know this person. You do not bring him into the home your children live on**

Absolutely agree, it’s not being judgemental it’s highlighting that the OP has been foolish and is putting her children at risk.

Shes introduced a man who she is intimate with and only known him for several weeks, the OP doesn’t know this man, let alone allow him to be near young children.

its not being judgemental it’s about keeping children safe and not introducing them to multiple partners whom you barely know.

benevernomore · 22/04/2022 13:15

The comments on this thread are shocking for their lack of concern of basic safeguarding. It is not ‘detailing’ to raise these cconcerns, it’s responsible. Safeguarding is everyone’s concern. You don’t ignore concerns where you identify them because the person n never raised them directly with you. That is not ‘keeping on thread’ : it’s utterly irresponsible.
Pointing out the well evidenced fact that paedophiles target single mums is Not saying ‘ you are allowing your child to be abused’ and it’s not just absurd to say it is, it’s dangerous. Would you rather children are sexually abused because you never gave a single mum the facts to enable her to better risk assess?
if you are dating as a single mum your priority is to ensure your boyfriend’s interest is in you, not your child. The only way to do this is to keep him away from your kids for a long time.

TabithaTittlemouse · 22/04/2022 13:17

What should he have said?

Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 13:36

I think things are getting blown out of proportion here.

I agree 1000% we should all do our part to keep children safe, but putting a mother down and calling her unfit, is OTT and frankly just horrible. There are ways to advise people or get your opinion across without being awful and making someone feel like crap.
I don’t see how I am a shit parent or putting my children at risk by allowing them to meet a guy I intend to be with for a very long time, I asked if I was being i over sensitive, so I could talk to him about it, I never said I was going to end the relationship and find someone else and introduce them to the children.
Ive been single 2 years after leaving my emotionally abusive husband, I have dated several people in that time and never introduced anyone to the children. I see a future with my partner, yes I have known him longer than I have been in a relationship with him, but regardless, I felt the time was right after 2 months to introduce the children as I am a single parent with not much support and getting a babysitter (leaving someone with my children unattended!!!!) didn’t sit right with me hence why I preferred to let him spend time with us all one day of the week if the children aren’t at their dads which is rarely as he is military. I have never and would never leave my children unattended with him. Or anyone.
And yes of course I am on “the defensive” and so would you if you had been the subject to these comments.
I am a good mother, no one can make me feel otherwise, it’s the one thing I know I’ve done right.

Funnily enough, in regards to what someone mentioned above, about a 18 months ago, I asked to advice when the children's dad had been speaking to a woman in the U.K. whilst we were stuck posted abroad, so he had never met the woman but had planned to take the children to meet her on his first date. I was told by this forum, it’s his choice, he’s their father, nothing you can do about it, it is what it is,

It didn’t happen by the way before you all lose your mind with me…

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 22/04/2022 13:36

benevernomore · 22/04/2022 13:15

The comments on this thread are shocking for their lack of concern of basic safeguarding. It is not ‘detailing’ to raise these cconcerns, it’s responsible. Safeguarding is everyone’s concern. You don’t ignore concerns where you identify them because the person n never raised them directly with you. That is not ‘keeping on thread’ : it’s utterly irresponsible.
Pointing out the well evidenced fact that paedophiles target single mums is Not saying ‘ you are allowing your child to be abused’ and it’s not just absurd to say it is, it’s dangerous. Would you rather children are sexually abused because you never gave a single mum the facts to enable her to better risk assess?
if you are dating as a single mum your priority is to ensure your boyfriend’s interest is in you, not your child. The only way to do this is to keep him away from your kids for a long time.

Maybe you should credit the OP with the ability to parent responsibly and to 'read' this guy correctly in terms of whether he's safe for the kids to be around, regardless that he's turned out to be an arse in other ways. Also, what are you calling 'a long time'?

Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 13:52

In regards to the comment, I see now I probably took it the wrong way. I felt at the time he was saying if my body didn’t have stretchmarks it would make me a more attractive person ..I wasn’t fishing for compliments as some have said. I was making a joke of myself because that’s how I deal with my insecurities. I take the mickey out of myself so others don’t have the chance to.

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 22/04/2022 13:54

N022330 · 22/04/2022 13:52

In regards to the comment, I see now I probably took it the wrong way. I felt at the time he was saying if my body didn’t have stretchmarks it would make me a more attractive person ..I wasn’t fishing for compliments as some have said. I was making a joke of myself because that’s how I deal with my insecurities. I take the mickey out of myself so others don’t have the chance to.

It literally doesn’t work like that, all you are doing is highlighting them to people, do you think he would have said something about your stomach if you hadn’t have brought it up yourself?

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 22/04/2022 13:56

Sorry OP but intending to be with this guy for “a long time” is insufficient justification to introduce him to your kids when you’ve only been in a relationship for little over 2 months, especially when he’s already making comments about your body that you find upsetting. I’d be giving him a lot more time to prove himself before you decide you’re going to stay with him for the long haul.

Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 14:00

Me intending to be with him for a long time wasnt the one and only reason I introduced him to the children,,,I made the decision based on a lot of things. The time was right for me and I’m not moving him into the house or anything we spend time together, maybe 1-2 hours out on walk, watch a movie. They don’t leave my sight

OP posts:
iloveruby · 22/04/2022 14:02

bringincrazyback · 22/04/2022 13:36

Maybe you should credit the OP with the ability to parent responsibly and to 'read' this guy correctly in terms of whether he's safe for the kids to be around, regardless that he's turned out to be an arse in other ways. Also, what are you calling 'a long time'?

Show quote history

"Read this guy correctly" - ah yes, because abusers are well known for being easy to identify in the first two months. 🤔

Pizzadreams · 22/04/2022 14:03

How can you decide to be with soneone you barely know and have been dating a few weeks for a long time, doesn’t he get a say in the matter?

Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 14:03

Don’t get me wrong I completely understand what everyone is saying, But I don’t believe I am a bad mother for making my decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 14:04

Oh my word…yes of course he does we do have mutual conversations

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2022 14:06

benevernomore · 22/04/2022 13:15

The comments on this thread are shocking for their lack of concern of basic safeguarding. It is not ‘detailing’ to raise these cconcerns, it’s responsible. Safeguarding is everyone’s concern. You don’t ignore concerns where you identify them because the person n never raised them directly with you. That is not ‘keeping on thread’ : it’s utterly irresponsible.
Pointing out the well evidenced fact that paedophiles target single mums is Not saying ‘ you are allowing your child to be abused’ and it’s not just absurd to say it is, it’s dangerous. Would you rather children are sexually abused because you never gave a single mum the facts to enable her to better risk assess?
if you are dating as a single mum your priority is to ensure your boyfriend’s interest is in you, not your child. The only way to do this is to keep him away from your kids for a long time.

And the way to do that is NOT to basically say "I pyoire an unfit mother who's given an abuser unfettered access to your kids so you could have a shag".
There's NOTHING op has posted to suggest he has access to these kids.

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 22/04/2022 14:06

“The time was right for me” you say OP. How telling. What about what is right for your children?

Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 14:09

As their mother that was for me to assess…

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2022 14:09

Pizzadreams · 22/04/2022 14:03

How can you decide to be with soneone you barely know and have been dating a few weeks for a long time, doesn’t he get a say in the matter?

Kids aside, DH asked me to move in with him after about 10 weeks. He knew I'd never move in with someone unless they y expected it to go to marriage (and obv I felt the same).

iloveruby · 22/04/2022 14:10

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 22/04/2022 14:06

“The time was right for me” you say OP. How telling. What about what is right for your children?

Exactly, what chance have the children had to say whether they feel comfortable with this person? It will be much harder for them when they can see how willingly their mother has included him in their lives.

SophieSoSo · 22/04/2022 14:12

And yet, here you are posting about problems in the relationship only 10 weeks in.

Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 14:13

Problems in the relationship..I asked if I was being over sensitive

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 22/04/2022 14:16

what are the other things he has said? You said he’s made a few comments?

Original poster
N022330 · 22/04/2022 14:17

I’m going to leave it there..this thread has drained me mentally.

Remind me to never ask for advice again…

OP posts: