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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shitty comment or am I being pathetic

170 replies

N022330 · 21/04/2022 21:59

Hey
Ive been seeing a guy for around 9-10 weeks.
He’s lovely and good with the kids. But sometimes says things I don’t think he realises is a bit shitty. There’s been 2 or 3 occasions he’s said something and I felt offended by it.
I’m just going to use tonight as an example.
i have 3 children and have stretch marks on my tummy and I am quite self conscious about it, he knows this.
tonight we were watching a film and we were talking about a woman on it and I said well she definitely doesn’t have a tummy like me . And we both laughed and he agreed and said yeah if you had a tummy like that you wouldn’t be with me you’d be with someone better.

I dont know why exactly but I instantly felt like I had been stabbed in the tummy and made me feel like shit.

what do you all think of this am I being over sensitive xx

OP posts:
Heliotropium · 22/04/2022 01:46

I think he was trying to say the right thing. The laughing would have irritated me more

Fizzyfish · 22/04/2022 01:50

I don't think what he said was that bad? He was maybe just being self deprecating to make you feel more comfortable? Men can be clumsy sometimes

dipdye · 22/04/2022 01:59

Friend or foe, too soon.

Monty27 · 22/04/2022 02:05

OP you belittled yourself. You shouldn't do that. And in turn he belittled himself insofar as yeh negative stuff.
And how old are your children? Cos I can't feel any positivity here.

MardyOldGoth · 22/04/2022 02:16

I'd keep an eye on it tbh. It may have been a clumsy attempt to make you feel better but the 'you wouldn't be with me' feels a bit manipulative. I'd let it go for now but keep your eyes open.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2022 02:29

You self deprecated, he did too. There is no good answer to that question. Either he lies, then he's a liar, or he tells the truth and offends.

Don't ask impossible questions. And don't introduce randoms to your kids.

MummyGummy · 22/04/2022 03:00

The main concern in this post is that he’s around your children. Do you read the news?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2022 03:08

If you're still reading, think he meant in a self deprecating way but was waaaaaaaay off mark. Personally, because I am like that, I would have responded with "I could be with anyone I choose, I was with you because I chose to be" and leave the past tense hanging.....

But I have to agree that 10 weeks is way to early to have the "this is my friend" thing with the kids. I wouldnt do that until a year at least, and indeed havent before I get accused of not knowing what I am talking about!

SquirrelG · 22/04/2022 03:20

OP, I would be far more concerned about the shitty judgemental comments on this thread than what he said.

Ottersmith · 22/04/2022 04:33

Oh my god you are all behaving like massive TWATS. She asked a question about her boyfriend and you all used it as an opportunity to call her a shit mother. Why can't he meet the kids after two months?

@N022330 don't listen to them, they are bullying you. What other things has he said? So I can get a sense of how it's meant.

sazza76 · 22/04/2022 04:42

I think people are being unfair on OP here. She didn’t ask for advice or opinions about him meeting her kids and we don’t know anything about the situation or how she is managing it. You may have an opinion on it but its not relevant.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 22/04/2022 05:00

FFS wind your necks in peeps! You have no idea about OP's set up. You have no idea how old her children are? You have no idea how she met her boyfriend, she might have known him for ages before she started going out with him. You are treating her as if she is some stupid young girl with no idea how to organise her life, and keep her children safe. Please just back off!

OP you were feeling vunerable enough tonight, you are probably feeling really rotten now. But if you are, please don't be - you are the only one on Mumsnet who can judge your parenting, so please ignore the prats who just like kicking someone when they are already feeling down! 💐 I don't suppose these will help, if they don't, have some 🍫 instead!

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 22/04/2022 05:10

ps. OP, sorry but I have no idea if it was supposed to be a compliment that sort of came out back handed, or if he is actually a prat, but my best guess is that he is just an awkward, clumsy bloke who didn't mean to be insulting. Believe your guts, if you can hear them ok, as they are rarely wrong, and even if your guts aren't talking loud enough, can you be happy long term with a man (who like so many others) never thinks to put their brain in action before letting their tongue do all the talking?

LimeSegment · 22/04/2022 05:14

You put him in a bit of an awkward situation really. You haven't been in the relationship long enough to joke comfortably about that sort of thing. And it's a sensitive subject for you anyway. So why bring it up?

What did you expect him to say? "Oh come on, your stomach is flat as a board, there is absolutely no difference I can see between her and you." That would be a bit awkward also, wouldn't it? Giving a compliment that someone is fishing for is also really a bit cringe.

You said you don't look like her, and he basically replied that neither of you do, because you are real people and not actors/characters on TV. I think that's a fair response.

pompomseverywhere · 22/04/2022 05:19

Can you give us more examples of what he's said?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 22/04/2022 05:53

appreciate all of your responses, I do, but I am a damn good mother just for the record. I love my children, my children love me, I protect them fiercely, and they are happy and healthy. He has been introduced as a friend

id say differently, a good mother doesn’t bring a stranger into their home after a few weeks… a friend is where you meet them in a park, restaurant etc…

NOT bring them into their home watching TV and playing with them.

Statically you’ve put your children at risk!!

Krakenchorus · 22/04/2022 06:10

I don't think that one comment was a problem. You brought up a body image issue that you have, simply because you feel insecure. He answered a little gracelessly - but not terribly.

What answer would you have liked from him?

But maybe it's not just that one comment. If he's making you feel shitty, you should move on. You don't need some man coming into your home and making you feel bad about yourself.

Justleaveitblankthen · 22/04/2022 06:14

It only takes one person to comment on something completely irrelevant to the question posed, for everyone else to pile on board.
Online bullying at it's finest Hmm

carefullycourageous · 22/04/2022 06:21

The reason people comment is that getting involved with the kids very quickly is a common red flag.

Ive been seeing a guy for around 9-10 weeks.
He’s lovely and good with the kids.

This is very ill advised.

@N022330 dial it back a bit, stop having him around your kids, slow it down is my advice.

Pizzadreams · 22/04/2022 06:25

Sounds like you were fishing for a compliment or reassurance, but this is some random you’ve dated a few weeks, so he simoly responded agreeing with you not understanding your need.

as others are pointing out, the good with the kids thing is very concerning.and the bigger issue here, especially if he’s staying over at night. It’s confusing for children and of course if he’s pretty much a stranger you have only known a few weeks then it’s a risk as well.

the truth is, they all appear good with the kids at the beginning. Even the ones who will cause harm.

WhiskeyAndGinger · 22/04/2022 06:35

I'm sure you do love your children and I'm sure they love you, but you are not fiercely protecting them if you bring strange men into their lives when you barely know them, and you're already seeing the red flags. That's the opposite of being fiercely protective. What else has this charmer said to make you wonder?

susiebluebell · 22/04/2022 06:41

People respond to self-deprecating comments in different ways. Personally I find it quite awkward when it's someone I don't know well! Because then you don't know if they want reassurance ('You haven't got a stretchmarked belly, I can hardly see them!') or solidarity ('Yeah I am self-conscious about my belly too' etc.) Maybe you just don't know each other well enough yet to know what the other needs in that situation. It depends on the context of the other 'comments' he's made. But I can imagine this comment coming from several male friends of mine and being meant well.

LoveSpringDaffs · 22/04/2022 06:50

Sounds like a typical bloke. Very few are wired to think more carefully before they speak.

you didn't help in the way you phrased it & you brought it up, not him.

I can understand why you were hurt by what he said, he's basically saying you're not as 'amazing' as her & tgats shy he's 'good enough for you, but not her'. It's hurtful.

...however, unintentionally I'm sure.

see how it goes.

as for him meeting the kids, I knew you'd get toasted over that & that's where the focus would go.

pompomseverywhere · 22/04/2022 06:52

@Justleaveitblankthen

It only takes one person to comment on something completely irrelevant to the question posed, for everyone else to pile on board. Online bullying at it's finest Hmm
What do you mean?
Moochio · 22/04/2022 06:55

N022330 · 22/04/2022 00:32

I appreciate all of your responses, I do, but I am a damn good mother just for the record. I love my children, my children love me, I protect them fiercely, and they are happy and healthy. He has been introduced as a friend.

They aren't stupid

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