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Original poster

Shitty comment or am I being pathetic

170 replies

N022330 · 21/04/2022 21:59

Hey
Ive been seeing a guy for around 9-10 weeks.
He’s lovely and good with the kids. But sometimes says things I don’t think he realises is a bit shitty. There’s been 2 or 3 occasions he’s said something and I felt offended by it.
I’m just going to use tonight as an example.
i have 3 children and have stretch marks on my tummy and I am quite self conscious about it, he knows this.
tonight we were watching a film and we were talking about a woman on it and I said well she definitely doesn’t have a tummy like me . And we both laughed and he agreed and said yeah if you had a tummy like that you wouldn’t be with me you’d be with someone better.

I dont know why exactly but I instantly felt like I had been stabbed in the tummy and made me feel like shit.

what do you all think of this am I being over sensitive xx

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 22/04/2022 06:55

Why did you say the self deprecating mean comment about your own belly? Did you want him to compliment you, defend you, agree with you? Was it a test? It doesn't sound like a functional way to build a relationship, through weird self loathing conversation. What was he even meant to say? Work on being your own advocate OP. Don't put yourself down.

Moochio · 22/04/2022 07:05

And yes in your example I've no idea what you expected him to say in reaction to that. You made it awkward.

ZenNudist · 22/04/2022 07:11

He was trying to be self depreciating.

georgarina · 22/04/2022 07:16

He probably saw it as if he were comparing himself to Brad Pitt - just a joke and not to be taken seriously. I don't think it sounds like he meant it badly

NewBlueGoo · 22/04/2022 07:21

I think you set him up with that comment. You didn't mean to, obviously. But you saw a woman with a flat tummy, drew his attention to it, compared it with your own post-babies tummy, and then sat back and waited to see how he responded.

Even if you feel 100% great about your tummy, it's incredibly hard for someone (who's only known you a couple of months) to know what sort of response you're after. Did you want to be told you DID have a flat tummy? Did you want to be told he loves your stretchmarked tummy? Did you want to be told stretchmarks are to be cherished as badges of motherly love? Any one of these responses might have been perfect - or might have been catastrophic, depending entirely on what you were hoping to hear, which he couldn't possibly know.

He's in a relationship with you, right? Presumably he's fine with your tummy. I think he answered as well as he could have given the circumstances. It probably felt to him like a test he was doomed to fail.

iloveruby · 22/04/2022 07:30

Online bullying? Or, pointing out that the OP has put her children in a vulnerable position?

Fdora · 22/04/2022 07:32

I don't mean to add to the pile on but with the greatest of respect 9 weeks is not enough time to truly know someone so having this person around your kids is rather risky

I know if my ex had his new woman around my child after only a few weeks I'd be really concerned

sammylady37 · 22/04/2022 07:39

Fiercely protective.
Yeah, right.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/04/2022 07:40

Don’t fish for compliments then-why on earth would you say that?!

I can imagine him replying and saying what he did in a comedy sarcastic voice which I probably would have found funny.

I wouldn’t be bringing men I didn’t know well (as in I didn’t even know if what they said was normal, funny, awkward or a red flag as I didn’t know they enough) into my house with my kids yet though.

sazza76 · 22/04/2022 07:51

OP, I hope you are ok. Some of the comments on here are really quite unkind, remember they have no idea of your situation. Sometimes Mumsnet can be a difficult place to be.

butterpuffed · 22/04/2022 07:56

If anything, he was putting himself down, not you.

HikingforScenery · 22/04/2022 07:58

Lay off OP. What’s wrong with introducing someone as a friend if she’s not leaving them alone together? He might not be staying over, etc.
I can’t see myself in her position but I don’t see the big deal. She’s their mother and has done her risk assessment. She’s surely had more info to do this than what can be deduced by reading her OP in 10secs.

I assume @N022330 was expecting something like, “you’re beautiful” etc and not this. I wouldn’t have liked the reply but that’s part of getting to know each other, I suppose.

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/04/2022 08:00

Can we have another example? I don't think we can really judge from that alone, in isolation it just comes across as a clumsy comment.
Re the kids thing, yes ideally it is good to wait but providing you aren't wheeling in a new man every 3 weeks then I wouldn't worry.

SnowingInApril · 22/04/2022 08:05

If you’ve been offended by something he’s said 2/3 times in 9/10 weeks, it’s not looking good is it?

Also agree he shouldn’t have met your kids yet even as a “friend”.

SNWannabe · 22/04/2022 08:09

All this piling on with the OMG he met your kids before you’d been together a year…FFS back off!


  1. You don’t know how long @N022330 has known this guy. She may have been dating 9-10 weeks but known him for years. So saying “you don’t know him” isn’t right.

  2. She hasn’t said if she has had him meet the kids in the house. He could have been there when he kids were at their dads and he could have met them out at a soft play or a park etc.

  3. She didn’t ask for advice on when to introduce her kids to someone.

  4. The kids could be quite young and not “know” he isn’t a friend like others have suggested.


If you can’t say anything constructive and related to the actual question- just scroll on by. Answering a question that wasn’t asked would give you a fail in any exam…

@N022330 I would need another example than the one you gave as in that example I think there was no right answer. You’re not going to have an actress perfect bikini body and so your comment was just a bit silly and self-deprecating. You need to work on your self worth and not expect any man, regardless of how long you’ve been seeing him, to be responsible for that. Stop putting yourself down, and enjoy the new relationship- with the kids if you so wish!

sazza76 · 22/04/2022 08:18

SNWannabe · 22/04/2022 08:09

All this piling on with the OMG he met your kids before you’d been together a year…FFS back off!


  1. You don’t know how long @N022330 has known this guy. She may have been dating 9-10 weeks but known him for years. So saying “you don’t know him” isn’t right.

  2. She hasn’t said if she has had him meet the kids in the house. He could have been there when he kids were at their dads and he could have met them out at a soft play or a park etc.

  3. She didn’t ask for advice on when to introduce her kids to someone.

  4. The kids could be quite young and not “know” he isn’t a friend like others have suggested.


If you can’t say anything constructive and related to the actual question- just scroll on by. Answering a question that wasn’t asked would give you a fail in any exam…

@N022330 I would need another example than the one you gave as in that example I think there was no right answer. You’re not going to have an actress perfect bikini body and so your comment was just a bit silly and self-deprecating. You need to work on your self worth and not expect any man, regardless of how long you’ve been seeing him, to be responsible for that. Stop putting yourself down, and enjoy the new relationship- with the kids if you so wish!

This with nobs on!

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/04/2022 08:23

You were fishing for compliments and being what my DD would call a Pick Me, he did the same back. Did you want him to lie and say nice things? Did you lie and say nice things to him?

ElsaMars · 22/04/2022 08:28

Whether you're calling him a 'friend' or not is irrelevant to the possibility of him being a risk to them. Jeez.

Bunnycat101 · 22/04/2022 08:29

I think you’re being massively over sensitive. I read it as if you were like x actress you’d be with a rich Hollywood type.

im also with the other posters of too much too soon re the children.

SophieSoSo · 22/04/2022 08:30

sazza76 · 22/04/2022 08:18

This with nobs on!

Show quote history

It’s not an exam.

I haven’t commented on the children aspect, but it is a massive red flag, statistically children are more likely to be harmed by a step parent figure, it’s been 10 weeks and there are other red flags already - wouldn’t you be concerned? Or is it because it’s children we just ignore those flags?

If OP had posted “my boyfriend makes unkind comments, what should I do? We don’t live together he lives at home with his wife who doesn’t know about me” should we ignore the second part of the sentence just because the OP only wanted opinions on the first part?

If not bullying, and yes the OP may have known this man for 20 years but people can only go on what she’s posted.

Mooshering · 22/04/2022 08:31

This is one of those annoying situations like where someone goes on about being fat, then gets angry when someone doesn't respond saying they're thin.

Did you want him to disagree with you and say you don't have stretch marks?

And why is he spending lots of time with your kids if you've only known him a matter of weeks?

Chickaletta0 · 22/04/2022 08:31

You have no boundaries whatsoever to introduce a man to your kids after less than three months if that is what you're making inference to.

LaSoupe · 22/04/2022 08:32

Oh bloody hell, leave the OP alone. She did not ask for any opinions about anything except this comment, so quit it with the uninvited criticisms! That is her business.

Moochio · 22/04/2022 08:32

I don't think people are trying to be nasty with the comments about too soon, just urging caution.

GeminiTwin · 22/04/2022 08:35

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