Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shitty comment or am I being pathetic

170 replies

N022330 · 21/04/2022 21:59

Hey
Ive been seeing a guy for around 9-10 weeks.
He’s lovely and good with the kids. But sometimes says things I don’t think he realises is a bit shitty. There’s been 2 or 3 occasions he’s said something and I felt offended by it.
I’m just going to use tonight as an example.
i have 3 children and have stretch marks on my tummy and I am quite self conscious about it, he knows this.
tonight we were watching a film and we were talking about a woman on it and I said well she definitely doesn’t have a tummy like me . And we both laughed and he agreed and said yeah if you had a tummy like that you wouldn’t be with me you’d be with someone better.

I dont know why exactly but I instantly felt like I had been stabbed in the tummy and made me feel like shit.

what do you all think of this am I being over sensitive xx

OP posts:
Sunnymummy8 · 22/04/2022 10:06

I think he put you both down really.. not a
nice thing to say but you may have taken it a bit sensitivity.. maybe because it’s a new relationship.. I’m sorry but I have to agree.. I always find it strange irl and on here when friends or people introduce the kids to new partners so early.. I have seen one of my friends introduce around 4 people into their child’s life.. only for them to leave.. or break up over something like what you have explained.. I’m all for parents who are single not to be wearing a chastity belt.. and at home knitting but maybe arrange lunch when kids at school (annual leave).. when kids are in bed.. or with other parent etc.. people who are staying or visiting in the home environment coming and going again is really not great in my opinion

bringincrazyback · 22/04/2022 10:06

Ignoring all the judgement about this guy having been gasp, pearl clutch introduced to your kids OP, I'd throw this one back. His comment was classic negging.

silverbubbles · 22/04/2022 10:10

Definitely not a shitty comment. i think he gave you a nice response actually - you don't look like the actress but don't worry nor do I !

Maybe his responses are because he is fed up with you running yourself down, seeking compliments etc.... That sort of thing can get very tiresome and draining.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 22/04/2022 10:14

I'm a single mum. Introducing a man you barely know to your children is a massive no. Massive no. You dont know this man.

It doesnt matter if you've told your kids he is a friend. It isnt about what they think he is. It is about a man you barely know having unfettered access to your kids. And because you've told them he is a friend, they wont have any reason to be wary.

You dont know this person. You do not bring him into the home your children live on.

LampLighter414 · 22/04/2022 10:25

Yeah you brought it up. I suspect even if he just agreed that her tummy is nice you would have been annoyed. Guys can never win these tests

oldwhyno · 22/04/2022 10:35

"It is about a man you barely know having unfettered access to your kids"

calm down dear

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 22/04/2022 10:39

@oldwhyno
Is "calm down dear" now the phrase we use when children are abused by men their parents do not know being brought into the house?

Hmmm. I didnt realise "calm down dear" as the right response to that situation. Good to know for the future when this happens, we can just tell the abused children and their parents to calm down.

oldwhyno · 22/04/2022 10:51

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish no it's about going from "He’s lovely and good with the kids" to "unfettered access to your kids" without even taking a breath, and now it seems you think OP's children might be being abused.

You must have to take a really big run for leaps like that.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 22/04/2022 11:02

@oldwhyno

No. Its It's goinfrom "this is a stranger" to "you're letting a stranger have unrestricted access to your kids."

Meeting a man and dating him for a few weeks does not make him known to you. They're a stranger. You dont being a stranger home and let them stay over in your house with your children.

Is there any other circumstances where you would say it is totally fine to let a stranger you've known for a few weeks sleep in your home with your children? No. There isnt. Unless you're getting sex out of it. Then its "calm down dear."

Walkingalot · 22/04/2022 11:03

Being good with the kids can just mean that he's polite and interested in them, maybe plays with them , not that he's bathing them, putting them to bed and spends time alone with them. Introducing a new friend is not the same as having them move in and announce 'hey - meet your new Dad'. Anyway, OP didn't ask for our opinions on that.

His comment was very clumsy but you brought the subject up. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Honeyroar · 22/04/2022 11:06

Justleaveitblankthen · 22/04/2022 06:14

It only takes one person to comment on something completely irrelevant to the question posed, for everyone else to pile on board.
Online bullying at it's finest Hmm

Absolutely that. Judgement, horrible women who love to kick other people to make themselves feel better.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 22/04/2022 11:07

But you're the one that started talking about your tummy, even when it is a sensitive subject for you ... what did you expect?!

He made a self deprecating comment in return (along the lines of "I'm no supermodel either")

He did nothing wrong?

Sodie · 22/04/2022 11:09

Anyone else hate the word tummy Grin

ParentalAdvisoryExplicitContent · 22/04/2022 11:13

Yes they’re allowed an opinion, but how many have actually BEEN in that position so actually know what they’d DO, not what they think they’d do.

Tons of us have been in that position. So of course we know what we'd do/have done.

And if OP didn't want people to comment on that particular fact why did she put it in her post?

People comment on the ENTIRE post, not just the bits OP wants them to. Don't want shitty comments, don't add all the info. Simple.

benevernomore · 22/04/2022 11:15

Walkingalot · 22/04/2022 11:03

Being good with the kids can just mean that he's polite and interested in them, maybe plays with them , not that he's bathing them, putting them to bed and spends time alone with them. Introducing a new friend is not the same as having them move in and announce 'hey - meet your new Dad'. Anyway, OP didn't ask for our opinions on that.

His comment was very clumsy but you brought the subject up. Comparison is the thief of joy.

How do you think grooming works? It works by gradually building trust. The adults are groomed too, not just the children. You do realize that paedophiles deliberately target single mothers?

it’s just basic common sense as a single parent to ensure anyone you date is interested in YOU by keeping them well away from your kids for a long time.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2022 11:18

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 22/04/2022 10:14

I'm a single mum. Introducing a man you barely know to your children is a massive no. Massive no. You dont know this man.

It doesnt matter if you've told your kids he is a friend. It isnt about what they think he is. It is about a man you barely know having unfettered access to your kids. And because you've told them he is a friend, they wont have any reason to be wary.

You dont know this person. You do not bring him into the home your children live on.

Where does she say unfettered access? Did I miss where he's babysitting or bathing the kids for her?

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 22/04/2022 11:21

@SleepingStandingUp
What happens when you have someone stay over? Do you stay up all night and aware of your surroundings and where your guest is?
Or do you fall asleep?

You dont have a stranger sleep in the same home as your child. It's as simple as that.

tkwal · 22/04/2022 11:22

On MN yesterday there was a comment from a Mum who had been cheated on, abandoned and was anxious about her daughters spending time with her ex's new/other woman ,the majority of voters told her she was being unreasonable to be so concerned about them meeting her? What's going on with that ?

LindaEllen · 22/04/2022 11:37

You brought up your tummy, making a comment as though you were making light of it, so he did the same.

Don't bother making comments hoping he decodes them and then says what you would consider 'the right thing'. If you don't want him to make jokes about it, you need to stop it too. The man isn't a mind reader.

And yeah.. why introduce him to the kids after such a short space of time? If it doesn't work out they'll miss him, and that's not fair.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2022 11:38

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 22/04/2022 11:21

@SleepingStandingUp
What happens when you have someone stay over? Do you stay up all night and aware of your surroundings and where your guest is?
Or do you fall asleep?

You dont have a stranger sleep in the same home as your child. It's as simple as that.

What does she say he's sleeping over when the kids are there??!

Fwiw I agree with your stance but it wasn't "op is he sleeping over when the kids are there? You realise some men date single Mom's just so they can get access to and abuse their kids?" it's "you're a shit mom who's given this bloke unfettered access to your kids who are now being groomed or abused because you'll do anything for a fuck" to paraphrase

MoodyMooToo · 22/04/2022 11:39

Justleaveitblankthen · 22/04/2022 06:14

It only takes one person to comment on something completely irrelevant to the question posed, for everyone else to pile on board.
Online bullying at it's finest Hmm

Online bullying? No, real concern about her putting her children at risk, the OP could have chosen to come back and tell us more but hasn’t, she went on the defensive.
This is from someone who years ago DID exactly the same as the OP and introduced kids to a new man quickly…turned out he was abusive and we suffered greatly. In the first 6 months I would have said he was great with kids…

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2022 11:40

tkwal · 22/04/2022 11:22

On MN yesterday there was a comment from a Mum who had been cheated on, abandoned and was anxious about her daughters spending time with her ex's new/other woman ,the majority of voters told her she was being unreasonable to be so concerned about them meeting her? What's going on with that ?

That STATISTICALLY a child is more likely to be abused / murdered by a man than a woman?

Bookworm20 · 22/04/2022 11:40

OP, I don't think you were being over sensitive at all. You are self conscious about your tummy and so what if you were unconsciously fishing for a compliment. We all want our OH's to reassure us sometimes when we're feeling a bit rubbish. Unfortunately he said the wrong thing. I actually don't think he meant it in a horrible way, based off that one comment, but I can totally understand how that made you feel.
Men are sometimes just thick as shit where this stuff is concerned. What he should have said was your stomach is lovely, I wouldn't change it for anything. But instead he made a stupid ill thought out reply about if you had a toned stomach you'd be with a fit bloke (not him). so basically acknowledging the thing you feel most insecure about.
I'd of felt rubbish too.
On its own, I don't think it was malicious or designed to put you down, it was just a monumentality shit response from a bloke who likely has no idea how you feel about your changed body after having DC.
And ignore those saying he shouldn't have met your dc. Only you know when that time is right.

oldwhyno · 22/04/2022 11:47

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish "No. Its It's goinfrom "this is a stranger" to "you're letting a stranger have unrestricted access to your kids."

Has OP actually done that? No. Chill.

Sandra2010 · 22/04/2022 12:09

MrOllivander · 22/04/2022 01:05

@CorsicaDreaming

I must be missing something but why shouldn't he meet her kids if they've been seeing each other for ten weeks? That really doesn't seem to be an issue to me at all.
It's way, way too early I don't have children but I'm seeing a man who does. Not even thinking about meeting her yet, and we have been dating longer than the OP! I have said it's entirely up to him when and where but not for a good while yet

But does his child live with him? Does he have space to be with you when she's at her mothers? The differences between the lifestyles of separated mothers with custody and separated fathers with partial custody are massive.