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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shitty comment or am I being pathetic

170 replies

N022330 · 21/04/2022 21:59

Hey
Ive been seeing a guy for around 9-10 weeks.
He’s lovely and good with the kids. But sometimes says things I don’t think he realises is a bit shitty. There’s been 2 or 3 occasions he’s said something and I felt offended by it.
I’m just going to use tonight as an example.
i have 3 children and have stretch marks on my tummy and I am quite self conscious about it, he knows this.
tonight we were watching a film and we were talking about a woman on it and I said well she definitely doesn’t have a tummy like me . And we both laughed and he agreed and said yeah if you had a tummy like that you wouldn’t be with me you’d be with someone better.

I dont know why exactly but I instantly felt like I had been stabbed in the tummy and made me feel like shit.

what do you all think of this am I being over sensitive xx

OP posts:
Dealwithit · 22/04/2022 08:36

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 22/04/2022 00:17

Good with the kids and saying to you that if you had a tummy like the actress, you would be with someone better than him. Ie hes love bombing you by putting himself down.

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This is correct. Little red flags.

meloonhead · 22/04/2022 08:37

@SockFluffInTheBath

You were fishing for compliments and being what my DD would call a Pick Me, he did the same back. Did you want him to lie and say nice things? Did you lie and say nice things to him?
Being a pick me is about internalised misogyny and throwing another woman under the bus to elevate yourself e.g. "I'm too pretty to wear make up". Not sure this applies to ops sold depreciating comment
meloonhead · 22/04/2022 08:39

You were fishing for compliments and being what my DD would call a Pick Me, he did the same back. Did you want him to lie and say nice things? Did you lie and say nice things to him?

Being a pick me is about internalised misogyny and throwing another woman under the bus to elevate yourself e.g. "I'm too pretty to wear make up". Not sure this applies to ops sold depreciating comment

(MNHQ, please fix quotes, yikes!)

Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2022 08:47

N022330 · 22/04/2022 00:32

I appreciate all of your responses, I do, but I am a damn good mother just for the record. I love my children, my children love me, I protect them fiercely, and they are happy and healthy. He has been introduced as a friend.

Any minute now she will have known him for over 20 years but just as a friend
Thats the usual one when people question the speed of introducing a new man to the DC

AHungryCaterpillar · 22/04/2022 08:49

Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2022 08:47

Any minute now she will have known him for over 20 years but just as a friend
Thats the usual one when people question the speed of introducing a new man to the DC

Show quote history

Yes it’s funny how they all turned out to know them for 20 years when they get criticised for how quickly they’ve introduced their children, but fail to mention it at all until then.

benevernomore · 22/04/2022 08:52

As others said, too early to meet the kids. I have a friend whose boyfriend was great with the kids. He’s just been arrested for having hundreds of child sex abuse images. Would be wary of any man happy to meet the kids after such a short time.

ThatshallotBaby · 22/04/2022 08:53

@N022330
I don’t think you are being over sensitive. Try and love yourself so you don’t care about what other people think so much. Be proud of your stretch marks, or at least accept them.
Btw I think the judgement on this thread is completely appalling. Try and rise above that too. Value yourself.Flowers

butterpuffed · 22/04/2022 08:55

Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2022 08:47

Any minute now she will have known him for over 20 years but just as a friend
Thats the usual one when people question the speed of introducing a new man to the DC

Show quote history

And who can blame her when so many posters are sticking their noses in , they should just mind their own business.

Ghostsofhumor · 22/04/2022 08:56

I agree you put him an awkward situation and were testing him

I think he tried to lighten the mood with a clumsy joke.

The moral is don't joke about things that are sensitive subjects for you

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/04/2022 08:57

meloonhead · 22/04/2022 08:39

You were fishing for compliments and being what my DD would call a Pick Me, he did the same back. Did you want him to lie and say nice things? Did you lie and say nice things to him?

Being a pick me is about internalised misogyny and throwing another woman under the bus to elevate yourself e.g. "I'm too pretty to wear make up". Not sure this applies to ops sold depreciating comment

(MNHQ, please fix quotes, yikes!)

Oh is it? Sorry I thought it was a general attention seeking thing. She calls her dad a pick me as well 🤣

Moochio · 22/04/2022 08:59

And who can blame her when so many posters are sticking their noses in , they should just mind their own business.

People are watching out for the kids. If we all just ignored things then there would be more kids getting hurt in this world than there already are.

SophieSoSo · 22/04/2022 09:03

Moochio · 22/04/2022 08:59

And who can blame her when so many posters are sticking their noses in , they should just mind their own business.

People are watching out for the kids. If we all just ignored things then there would be more kids getting hurt in this world than there already are.

Exactly this!

Does anyone here watch the news?

sazza76 · 22/04/2022 09:06

It’s not as though this is a friend or someone you know in real life. She didn’t post anything that indicates her children are in danger, she is an adult and has made her decision based on the information she has. Information that we don’t have, that isn’t anything to do with the question she asked and not the business of strangers on an internet forum.
It’s not been one or two comments, its been a pile on and some have been unkind and very judgemental based on next to no details. Why do people feel the need to keep on posting comments about it. No one knows the OP, or what is going on in her life or if she is struggling with mental health concerns. No one knows how she might react after seeing posts saying she’s an unfit mother.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2022 09:06

Comments like that are hard to read cos it's in the surface self depreciating (I'm not good enough for X) but slaps you on the way back (I'm good enough for you, those stretch marks are why your standards are lower). You need to pull him up on them - are you saying because of my stretch marks I have lower standards or I just couldn't punch any higher than you?

Moochio · 22/04/2022 09:10

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2022 09:06

Comments like that are hard to read cos it's in the surface self depreciating (I'm not good enough for X) but slaps you on the way back (I'm good enough for you, those stretch marks are why your standards are lower). You need to pull him up on them - are you saying because of my stretch marks I have lower standards or I just couldn't punch any higher than you?

What should he have said though? What is the best way to answer? Why did OP ask? He probably wasn't comparing OP to this hot Hollywood actress or whoever but now OP has put this in his mind.

Moochio · 22/04/2022 09:12

I haven't seen the comment that says she's an unfit mother so apologies as that is a bit harsh. I've only seen ones expressing concern. (Sorry new mumsnet can't be bothered to scroll through allll the posts)

PawPatrolPosse · 22/04/2022 09:12

Don’t bother posting on MN, OP. You get a bunch of perfect woman judging you and laughing about it. Horrible horrible people.

Moochio · 22/04/2022 09:15

PawPatrolPosse · 22/04/2022 09:12

Don’t bother posting on MN, OP. You get a bunch of perfect woman judging you and laughing about it. Horrible horrible people.

Who has said they are perfect? Who has laughed?

ParentalAdvisoryExplicitContent · 22/04/2022 09:16

And who can blame her when so many posters are sticking their noses in , they should just mind their own business.

If a few more people 'stuck their noses in' you might not read some of the horrible stuff about kids on the news.

Not saying OPs partner is a threat to her kids, but many people are surprised about how quickly some parents think it's appropriate to let a random person into their kids lives. They're allowed that opinion.

SNWannabe · 22/04/2022 09:25

Yes they’re allowed an opinion, but how many have actually BEEN in that position so actually know what they’d DO, not what they think they’d do.
I was convinced as a single mum that i’d stay single til my kids were grown, i actually got married less than a year after meeting my husband and left him looking after my children 3 days after we actually “got together”… 15 years on and it’s all fantastic!

LaSoupe · 22/04/2022 09:28

@Moochio But they are still unsolicited comments. So judgey.

viques · 22/04/2022 09:38

If you have only been seeing him for 9 weeks and he has already made a number of comments that you feel belittled and uncomfortable with then I think you need to consider whether or not you want to continue a relationship with someone who deliberately puts you down . Undermining someone’s self confidence is not something a caring and supportive partner does, he might be socially awkward, he might be immature, he might be reading the situation wrongly, he might be someone who finds being nasty a turn on, he might be someone trying out how far they can go with a bit of negativity and control.

You have a couple of choices OP, either end the relationship now, or call him out on his remarks, tell him they are hurtful and inappropriate tell him to stop making them and see what his response is.

(the issue with your children is your decision as their parent.)

Badger1970 · 22/04/2022 09:42

I'm more concerned that someone you've known for 2 months has been declared "good" around your kids.

My Mum used to introduce her BF's to us after 5 minutes. My sister and I hated it - having to be polite and play happy families with them. Please slow this down if you're getting warning signs from him. Your kids have no say in this - you have no idea of someone's true nature in such a short space of time.

emmakenny · 22/04/2022 09:56

Dump him.

ThatshallotBaby · 22/04/2022 09:57

PawPatrolPosse · 22/04/2022 09:12

Don’t bother posting on MN, OP. You get a bunch of perfect woman judging you and laughing about it. Horrible horrible people.

Completely agree.
The op asked about a comment. It’s not ok to judge her life on what she has posted. Look to yourselves.