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Original poster

Ex wants 50/50 - am I being selfish?

116 replies

DeskInUse · 19/04/2022 22:30

Am I being selfish?

My exh has just asked to share 50% contact with our dd. We've been divorced for 8 years and our dd is now 14. We divorced due to a dv incident.

When we first divorced I offered him as much contact as he wanted, however he only wanted to see her eow, primarily due to work and him not wanting to take a step down in his career. As she's got older, his relationship with her has improved. I try to be charitable and put this down to the fact that some people just don't enjoy small children. In reality my opinion is that she's far more self sufficient and less 'work'

I feel uncomfortable with his request for a few reasons, firstly he met a woman in January, and she moved into his house a few weeks ago with her 2 dd (who see their df 50% of the time), this woman is a stranger, someone she's (and my ex) have only known for 4 months. My ex has had countless gf's, who would always be introduced to dd, within weeks of them meeting. He's never been more than a few weeks without a gf, this will be the 3rd woman he's moved in with since we split.

I think because he's now got a live in gf who also has dc, it won't be him looking after dd, the new woman works from home and chances are he won't be changing his lifestyle to accommodate my dd, his new gf probably will.

I recently found out my dd has been self harming, I've arrange some private counselling which is due to start this week.

This may, or may not be related to the self harming, but I fostered a little girl a few years ago. Un- be known to me, she had severe behavioural issues, and my dd bore the brunt of this, and she ended up having to leave and go to a specialist placement which my dd took quite hard. We still see her, but I know my dd still misses her a lot.

My ex has always been quite self centred, his wants have always come first. He would refuse to contribute to things like school informs, saying he had no money, but in the same week buy a new car, or tell me he couldn't afford to contribute towards her hobby and then book a holiday for himself. He's happy for her to tag along to what he's doing, but will rarely put himself out for her, such as driving to her friends house. It's only recently I've managed to convince him to take her to her hobby on a weekend

He also puts very few boundaries in place, she can do what she wants when she's with him.

I'm really trying to put her first, but I don't see any benefit to a 50/50 split for her. I'm not sure if this is my selfishness in not wanting her to go, or that i have valid reasons. I know if I asked her she'd not tell me what she wanted, she'd just try and keep the peace and not want to upset him.

I've told him we'll have a conversation this week but my head is a muddle and I want to do what's right for dd, not what's right for me or my ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeskInUse · 19/04/2022 22:32

Blimey, sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 19/04/2022 22:34

Not sure what to advise, but all the best op, and only really you can know what's truly in your daughters best interests.

SleepWhenAmDead · 19/04/2022 22:36

What reason has he given for changing the contact arrangements?

Original poster
DeskInUse · 19/04/2022 22:38

@SleepWhenAmDead he says he wants to spend more time with her.

OP posts:
DPotter · 19/04/2022 22:38

At 14, your DD will have her own views on where she wants to live. What does she think?

BungleandGeorge · 19/04/2022 22:39

What does your daughter feel about it? Does he still only see her eow. My instinct is that she needs stability and familiarity to deal with her problems but it depends on how keen she is?

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2022 22:39

I would say given her age and circumstances 50/50 is probably not right for her and she needs boundaries and a clearly set out schedule

I would also say leaving her with a newish girlfriend is not the right choice especially as it sounds as if he never puts her first.

I would say you definitely have valid reasons and not only may there not be benefits it could be detrimental (given the specific circumstances here)

Cloverforever · 19/04/2022 22:39

Is there anyone else you could ask to speak to her who she may open up to? She may find it easier to be honest to someone else.

It may help her to make a decision?

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2022 22:39

If he wants to spend more time - is he currently on just EOW?

Maybe add in a midweek as well

Smackthepony · 19/04/2022 22:40

Do you have some kind of court ordered agreement? I don’t know at what age children can decide for themselves. Have you discussed it with your daughter?

Original poster
DeskInUse · 19/04/2022 22:40

@DPotter she doesn't like to upset people, especially her df, I doubt she'd give me an honest answer if I asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeskInUse · 19/04/2022 22:41

He sees her eow and half the school holidays at the moment.

It's a good idea for her to talk to someone who's impartial.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 19/04/2022 22:42

Can you ask the counsellor to work through her feelings about it? I really don’t think parents can decide for a 14 year old

Original poster
DeskInUse · 19/04/2022 22:43

@Smackthepony it's not court ordered, it's what he initially wanted when we first split up. I've always tried to encourage him to see her, initially it was eow and no holidays, now he can leave her in the house he's happier to have her half the school holidays as he can still fit in work around her

OP posts:
PennyFleck · 19/04/2022 22:43

I think you're not selfish if you're thinking whether it's right for her.
She's your concern, not him.

DPotter · 19/04/2022 22:47

she doesn't like to upset people, especially her df, I doubt she'd give me an honest answer if I asked

Then decide for her. She's still a child. Say no.

lilmishap · 19/04/2022 22:57

At 14 she gets to decide BUT you have input and schooling has been fucked up the last few years, she has GCSEs looming.
What he WANTS has always been irrelevant, same as what you want is irrelevant. What do you think is best?

DV tends not to be one incident there is usually a shit load of other unhealthy stuff surrounding it, degrading speech, emotional abuse, feelings of self loathing, low self esteem, Is her self harming connected to her relationship with dad or things she accepted as normal?

The foster child would add a sense of people leaving her because of their behaviour which she may blame herself for. If your gut is saying no, I'm inclined to say trust your gut.

It's concerning that you seem worried about telling him No and she may be worried about telling you No. He hasn't been there and you have.

Trust your gut. Say No. If he want's it he can fight for it through the courts by which time she will definitely be the deciding factor and she will have had some counseling.

Say No

lilmishap · 19/04/2022 23:00

@PennyFleck

I think you're not selfish if you're thinking whether it's right for her. She's your concern, not him.
She never said that. She said the opposite of that.

When a suggestion of 50/50 is made and there is a new girlfriend who appears to be a stable fixture it is normal for a parent to be thrown into doubt. The OP wants reassurance that she can trust her gut and do what she thinks is for the best.

You're right OP it's a no and he can take you to court and be told No by the court

lilmishap · 19/04/2022 23:02

Duh I misread your post and went into lecture mode. Apologies

Original poster
DeskInUse · 19/04/2022 23:05

Thank you @lilmishap you're absolutely right, it's about what's best for her, my ex, and my wishes are irrelevant. My gut says it's not right for her so I'll tell him no. I just want her to get through her GCSE's without any more drastic changes, I want stability and consistency for her

OP posts:
Peachy7 · 19/04/2022 23:11

I think at 14 your daughter is old enough to choose herself. The conversation should be about what she wants, not what you or her father want.

JeffThePilot · 19/04/2022 23:19

Court unlikely to get involved with a 14 year old and a dispute like this. If he continues to push, I’d suggest child inclusive mediation with a child of your daughter’s age, whose wishes will likely be paramount. Would give her an independent third party to talk to, so she doesn’t have to feel like she has to tell you or her dad directly.

DoubleShotEspresso · 19/04/2022 23:37

From all you've described I think you've got to take the reins here snd really trust your gut instinct.
Maybe offer a mid week meal as further contact, but 50/50? No way- she clearly needs your support and monitoring snd he clearly needs to be more sure of logistics in his own household.
Stand your ground OP- he won't waste his money on courts , he'd be heavily advised against it.

LannieDuck · 20/04/2022 15:26

I would ask her. Not outright "your Dad wants to increase the time you stay with him to 50:50", but more like "now you're older, you should have a bit more of a say in things, so I wondered if you're happy with how much time you spend with your Dad, or if you want to see him a bit more?"

Maydaysoonenough · 20/04/2022 15:30

By any chance is he trying to stop paying you Cms? At 14 your dd can go between the 2 houses as she chooses... Tell him she is happy the way things are if she won't tell him herself.