Ex wants 50/50 - am I being selfish?

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Am I being selfish?

My exh has just asked to share 50% contact with our dd. We've been divorced for 8 years and our dd is now 14. We divorced due to a dv incident.

When we first divorced I offered him as much contact as he wanted, however he only wanted to see her eow, primarily due to work and him not wanting to take a step down in his career. As she's got older, his relationship with her has improved. I try to be charitable and put this down to the fact that some people just don't enjoy small children. In reality my opinion is that she's far more self sufficient and less 'work'

I feel uncomfortable with his request for a few reasons, firstly he met a woman in January, and she moved into his house a few weeks ago with her 2 dd (who see their df 50% of the time), this woman is a stranger, someone she's (and my ex) have only known for 4 months. My ex has had countless gf's, who would always be introduced to dd, within weeks of them meeting. He's never been more than a few weeks without a gf, this will be the 3rd woman he's moved in with since we split.

I think because he's now got a live in gf who also has dc, it won't be him looking after dd, the new woman works from home and chances are he won't be changing his lifestyle to accommodate my dd, his new gf probably will.

I recently found out my dd has been self harming, I've arrange some private counselling which is due to start this week.

This may, or may not be related to the self harming, but I fostered a little girl a few years ago. Un- be known to me, she had severe behavioural issues, and my dd bore the brunt of this, and she ended up having to leave and go to a specialist placement which my dd took quite hard. We still see her, but I know my dd still misses her a lot.

My ex has always been quite self centred, his wants have always come first. He would refuse to contribute to things like school informs, saying he had no money, but in the same week buy a new car, or tell me he couldn't afford to contribute towards her hobby and then book a holiday for himself. He's happy for her to tag along to what he's doing, but will rarely put himself out for her, such as driving to her friends house. It's only recently I've managed to convince him to take her to her hobby on a weekend

He also puts very few boundaries in place, she can do what she wants when she's with him.

I'm really trying to put her first, but I don't see any benefit to a 50/50 split for her. I'm not sure if this is my selfishness in not wanting her to go, or that i have valid reasons. I know if I asked her she'd not tell me what she wanted, she'd just try and keep the peace and not want to upset him.

I've told him we'll have a conversation this week but my head is a muddle and I want to do what's right for dd, not what's right for me or my ex.

Do you really need a formal schedule at her age? When I was 14 half the time I'd go to a friend's house after school - it was all very fluid. Does she particularly like routine or could you and ex talk to her about a more relaxed style where she can go between your houses as she pleases?

I think the decision should be made about what’s best for the child; needs rather than wants.

Try and compromise - increase from current arrangement but not to 50/50?

@Maydaysoonenough I have no doubt that the cms payment is a big driver for him.

I had a conversation with him this afternoon, told him that as she was just starting her therapy and his relationship was only a few months old, I didn't think now was a good time to make this change. I said she needed stability and familiarity. I did offer him a day in the week, and said we could look at it again in 12 months ish. He didn't seem too keen on the 1 day a week idea.

He wasn't happy, he kept saying it was her decision and he wanted her to make it. He's asked her already and she said she would like to be with him 50%, however I know she hates conflict and will always try to please everyone. Never in a million years will she tell him she doesn't want 50/50. I tried to say that what he wanted, and what I wanted was irrelevant, the important thing was what was best for dd. I said we could look at it again in 12 months, or when she'd worked through her self harming. He said that she should work through this decision with the therapist, I agreed with that, but said the self harming should be first and foremost. We ended the call without agreeing anything, he just tried to rail road me, I simply said I don't agree to this as I don't feel it's in dd's best interest.

I plan to have a conversation with dd this evening, but I'm conscious I don't want to put any undue stress or pressure on her as she will want to please us both, and putting this decision on her will just further stress her and make her anxious

I agree with this but maybe phrase it as whether there's anything she’d like to change rather than asking outright if she wants to see more of him, which potentially puts her in the position of feeling she should say yes. She may feel pressured or wonder if it's her mum wanting more child-free time.
There's a lot to be said for the status quo I think, especially if there has been DV and the daughter has some issues to work through. Better to do that primarily with the parent who has no abusive track record. An extra evening a week might be a workable comprise if it's what she wants.

It doesn't need to be this rigid, surely? Ask your DD if she'd like to spend a bit more time at her dad's - there's no commitment, she can try it, and can revert to previous arrangements whenever she likes - there's no need for it to be "50-50 set in stone, or nothing". It needs to be what's right for her, and I don't think it's a bad thing that her dad wants to see more of her.

I was around this age when my dad (who I saw maybe twice a year?) got remarried, and started to attempt to rebuild our relationship. My stepmum was very much part of this, and I spent more and more time at their's. He fully admitted that he didn't know how to deal with me as a young child, and so stayed at arms length. I loved getting to know the new half of my family. But what soured things slightly was my mum guilt-tripping me - she never stopped me going to my dad's but made it clear she felt very hard done by, almost as if she resented the new closeness between me and dad (which continues to this day). She was being selfish, expecting me to uphold the reasons they separated, and it wasn't fair.

So whatever you decide, don't pressure your DD to do what she thinks you (or her dad) want her to do. And make it clear there's a return ticket if she's not comfortable.

Compromise... I can't type today! 😩

It's clearly about the money.

He doesn't want the hassle of a midweek day, probably because he'd have to sort it, but figures if he can have her 50% of the time and time it 'just so', his new girlfriend will be left to sort her out and he'll not have to pay CMS.

Stand firm.

Suggest a trial. Starting the first week of the 6 week school holidays. Say he needs to be organised so you can plan yourself a little break away. Self him links to suggested clubs - Make them miles away. Ask how he intends to support dd if she has bad periods..... Can he provide all she will need for those ask him...
Bet he back tracks pretty quickly..

What ages are the children of the new partner?

Your DD has only known this woman and her DDs for 4 months, and only been seeing them eow. I'd want her to have spent much more time with them all before making a decision on changing her living arrangements to see if they all get on.

Does he have sufficient room in his house for your DD to have her own space if she'll be there so often? I'd be suspicious that he only wants 50/50 because he wants to get out of paying support.

If the new gf has only been living with him for a few weeks, I think it’s abit soon to change to 50/50. Perhaps suggest waiting until the summer holidays to make such a drastic change-unless your DD would prefer to try it now. As a PP suggested, it would be good for your DD to talk it over with her counselor.

Will she be expected to watch the new gf 2 dd or will he have her the week they are not there?

This was my first thought, now he's got another family living with him he'll be looking to reduce payments

No way, he is clearly only doing this to save himself money now he has someone else to step in and do anything extra that might be required from him. This new relationship is 4 months old?? She should not have even met this crazy woman who had moved her kids in after 4 months yet. I would be having a conversation with her that made it clear it was a big no way from you. Is she is self harming she needs to feel protected by you, so stand in the way and be the wall that does that.

So he wont take an extra day in the week even though he claims this is what dd wants? Yeah it's all about dumping her on the girlfriend to reduce the cms!

I'd say a definite no before the summer holidays. School is important and her life has already been messed around. I'd give her that space to think about what she wants with the councellor. I'd also ask him exactly how much extra time HE plans to spend with her and let her know his answer. I bet its not much!

Tbh my 15yr old niece is being put through this 50/50 crap at the moment. And to her it is crap. She doesn't know where her school stuff is half the time, she is constantly getting in to trouble with one parent for being late for 'handover' as she's out with a mate for the afternoon etc. (She's close enough to transport herself from one to the other so not reliant on them to transport her). She sister keeps taking her stuff (uniform, activity kit etc) as hers is "at her mums/dad's". I dont think it will be long before she just says no she's not moving during the week. (And then there will be major ructions!

Thank you all for your comments, it’s really giving me food for thought.

The children are older and younger than dd so I doubt she’ll be expected to look after them. I agree, I think he’s found a way of not paying cm and sharing the load with his new gf, her dc sees their df 50/50. I found out about 2 years ago that he was under paying cm and he didn’t want to pay anymore, so I went via the cms, I know this really annoyed him and he made noises about 50/50 then due to not wanting to pay, he was very vocal about it.

when we first split I did offer him 50/50 but he refused due to to being unable to look after a small child with his job. He’s really only showed an interest in more than eow once she’s become more self sufficient. I’ve tried to be charitable and put this down to him not knowing how to interact with small children

Would your dd be staying there at the same time as his step dds?
It all seems too much, too soon. I would feel uneasy about that, to put it mildly.

Oh yeah - and involve the councellor - it is very likely he/she will not want any changes in environment unless they are as a result of the counselling not something thrown in to mess up the start.

And another thing. Do t shy away from telling your dd what you feel - otherwise it might come across to her that you don't actually care and are happy for her to do what her father wants. Sometimes these kids need that firm stability not a parent who gives them too many choices that they can't handle.

I don’t know about what weeks he’s proposing she stays. He also does a time consuming, and expensive hobby, one that he won’t move or give up for anyone. He’s away half this week to do said hobby, so I suspect in these instances he’s either expect me to have dd or his gf will be expected to look after her. In fact less than two weeks ago he asked me to have dd for an extra few days during the school holidays at his contact time, as he’s going away with friends. It’s an expensive hobby and I have asked him to contribute towards dd’s hobby (horse riding), which he refuses to do saying he was skint

My ex put this 50:50 crap into my child's head before talking to me about it... then went on to fuck with his head about living with him full time (huge back story). I agreed with more over nights stays (think it was an extra one a week) - DC did it for 2 weeks and decided they didn't like it and went back to eow.

About six months later DC realised he had been fucking with their heads and went no contact with him. Been 7 yrs now.

@LittleOwl153 good idea about asking the councillor about her opinion on the situation

I would tell your Ex no, you don't think it is in the best interests of your DD at the moment to be 50:50, for the reasons she has some emotional problems/self-harming, she needs to focus on that and school work and not deal with a whole new family dynamic with Exs new live-in gf who barely knows your DD.

Then I would do as pp suggests and tell DD if she ever wants to increase contact with her dad you will facilitate it, but she doesnt need to feel under any pressure to do anything she doesnt 100% want to do with regards contact with her dad.

I don't entirely understand your ex's motivation but he has a poor track record and it would be a disaster if he suddenly broke up with his new gf and this led to him telling DD he didnt want her 50% again right in the middle of her GCSE years and if she is emotionally fragile anyway.

So I spoke to her about it last night, and although it was like trying to get blood out of a stone (as she hates talking about anything emotional), she admitted she missed her dad and wanted to stay with him 50/50. She did get quite upset about it, but I think it's partly her missing her df, and partly FOMO that she's missing out on the fun the other dc are having during the week when she's not there. She gets on really well with them, at the moment, and the older dd (16) I think she's a little in awe of.

So I'm in a real quandary, I offered her another night in the week, but just like her df she wasn't keen, and it seems it's all or nothing. Im now back to thinking is it is in her best interests to say no, or should we give it a go. Im worried that once the shine wears off from her new family, that it will adversely affect her, she'd still be moving in with people she doesn't know, and her df is inherently selfish so she will end up at the bottom of his priority list as she always has.

Im also really upset about her wanting this, I know it sounds silly but when we first split I was on my knees financially and emotionally and asked him for help and he refused several times. He's very often refused to help out with time or money because of his hobby, I've always put her first and go without to make sure she gets things, and now I feel I'm being thrown out with the trash. She goes horse riding several times a week which is what his cm pays for, add that to paying £65 a week for her therapist, without the cm I won't be able to pay for horse riding, I know he won't pay for it, or even take her, but it'll be me looking like the bad guy. I can't show her how upset I am, as it's not her fault as I do think she's been manipulated somewhat and I don't want to add to the pressure her df has already put on her.

A child who is self harming and needing private counselling should not be left on her own OR with a near stranger for long periods of time.

If that’s how your ex is planning to ‘parent’ for his 50:50 then in my mind this would be utterly irresponsible.

Shes Your baby. You know what’s best for her.