Ex wants 50/50 - am I being selfish?

[DeskInUse]

Am I being selfish?

My exh has just asked to share 50% contact with our dd. We've been divorced for 8 years and our dd is now 14. We divorced due to a dv incident.

When we first divorced I offered him as much contact as he wanted, however he only wanted to see her eow, primarily due to work and him not wanting to take a step down in his career. As she's got older, his relationship with her has improved. I try to be charitable and put this down to the fact that some people just don't enjoy small children. In reality my opinion is that she's far more self sufficient and less 'work'

I feel uncomfortable with his request for a few reasons, firstly he met a woman in January, and she moved into his house a few weeks ago with her 2 dd (who see their df 50% of the time), this woman is a stranger, someone she's (and my ex) have only known for 4 months. My ex has had countless gf's, who would always be introduced to dd, within weeks of them meeting. He's never been more than a few weeks without a gf, this will be the 3rd woman he's moved in with since we split.

I think because he's now got a live in gf who also has dc, it won't be him looking after dd, the new woman works from home and chances are he won't be changing his lifestyle to accommodate my dd, his new gf probably will.

I recently found out my dd has been self harming, I've arrange some private counselling which is due to start this week.

This may, or may not be related to the self harming, but I fostered a little girl a few years ago. Un- be known to me, she had severe behavioural issues, and my dd bore the brunt of this, and she ended up having to leave and go to a specialist placement which my dd took quite hard. We still see her, but I know my dd still misses her a lot.

My ex has always been quite self centred, his wants have always come first. He would refuse to contribute to things like school informs, saying he had no money, but in the same week buy a new car, or tell me he couldn't afford to contribute towards her hobby and then book a holiday for himself. He's happy for her to tag along to what he's doing, but will rarely put himself out for her, such as driving to her friends house. It's only recently I've managed to convince him to take her to her hobby on a weekend

He also puts very few boundaries in place, she can do what she wants when she's with him.

I'm really trying to put her first, but I don't see any benefit to a 50/50 split for her. I'm not sure if this is my selfishness in not wanting her to go, or that i have valid reasons. I know if I asked her she'd not tell me what she wanted, she'd just try and keep the peace and not want to upset him.

I've told him we'll have a conversation this week but my head is a muddle and I want to do what's right for dd, not what's right for me or my ex.

Why are neither keen on an extra night in the week? Because I think even if it were to go ahead a slow approach would be better and it properly gets to see how it works around everything in the week.

Because week nights are a very different beast to weekends? For example how would it fit around extra curricular stuff and school and homework.

Going straight in unprepared with this isnt the right way forward at all.

If they dont want to do one night in the week how would 50/50 work?

It is interesting though that she says 50/50 and he has refused an extra day - it sounds like he has been putting pressure on her and she misses him if he wont accept another night

Perhaps suggest you start with the extra day in the week and see how it goes from there?

My feeling is that more contact is OK, but weekdays in term time she stays with me, weekends and holidays much more flexibility if daughter wants it, school stability takes priority over his wishes.

@DeskInUse why would you need to look like the bad guy? Best to bring up horse riding now in the negotiation period an ask ex if he will pay for it, so it can be presented to DD as part of the changes if he won't.

Keep your girl with you- she clearly needs consistent support from you, not being messed about on a whim by her Father...
Keep the door open for maybe a midweek dinner or something but no more. Counselling sounds like a top priority for your DD right now, not a change of schedules... Hope all works out for you both OP x

OP, your own emotions and what you want and feel you deserve are likely too strong to really know what is best for DD. I doubt there is really any scenario where you would feel it was in her best interest. What might be best is to let her work out a transition plan (slow increase) with her therapist. They can talk it through, see how it might work, as you are unlikely to convince her that what she wants isn't what you think she needs. She can also work out a leaving plan (if she wants less time there) and touch points with the therapist. It would be a 'pilot' project with check ins and decisions about moving forward with more time or less time being decided on with her and a neutral party.

I don't know what is behind her self harmingbut if it goes back to the foster child and what she experienced then your house may not feel like the safe place you want it to be. It may have memories or triggers that are underlying how she is feeling. It could be that being with other teens and in a different environment more would be beneficial to her - that is something the therapist should really explore before any decisions are made.

In the long run, she will know that you stepped up to the plate and were the stable and supportive parent but right now she likely isn't focused on that or on what you want from her.

It's tricky. You did say that she will say whatever people want to hear and yet she's not done that with you. She's clear that she wants to spend time with her father.
Exam wise I would think its best she starts this split this year than next year. You might very well find that after a few weeks at her fathers, she's junked the idea before summer. Can you do something a bit looser like she can split her time between the houses, but has a key so she can move between them as she wants? She might find the peace and quiet at yours a welcome distraction from her father's so you'll probably find she'll start to migrate back to yours quite frequently.
I guess you can forbid it, but your ex doesn't sound the kind to let it drop and you don't want to drive your daughter to opting to live there FT.

In view of your DD already struggling at the moment (self harm) I would say now is not the time for change. If at 14 she's not likely to have an opinion that she can express to you then I would say she lacks the maturity to make this type of decision herself. You would need to determine whether it is in her best interests to shift to 50/50. If you feel it is fine, if not stick to what you have.

I think at 14 it has to be up to her. Whilst your feelings and thoughts are valid, you will be seen as the bad one to stop it.

I think it's best to allow it if it's what she wants too. She will realise as an adult all you did for her that he didn't. But not yet. Not at 1;. Hang on to that.

As for Cms. None due on 50/50. But 50/50 costs. Do those hobbies costs and all other costs should be split 50/50. Makes sure he knows that's how it works and perhaps get confirmed in writing he's agreed. Make sure some of his 50:50 includes him taking her to her hobbies too. He doesn't get 50:50 no cms and all the days he chooses with none of the stressful bits.

Waltzing in 14 years later and deciding you want to parent your child should be viewed with suspicion. There's no way I'd agree to this. It would upset her world even more than it already is. If she's self harming somethings gone really awry and she needs stability. Not her loser father trying to look good to his new GF or whatever his motivations are.

She's old enough to have a way of course - (is she close with him?) but this does not sound to be in her best interests.

Thanks for all your opinions and replies. She does put her df up on a pedestal (god knows why), and I've never really said a bad word about him to her. She is still adamant that she wants to go 50% of the time. I think it's more a case of FOMO as the other dc are there and look to be having fun, plus I think she's also a little in awe of the 16 yr dd. I've tried to explain that it will be very different living with them when you have to do boring stuff like school and homework, but it's falling on deaf ears.

With regards to cm, he under paid me for years and when I went to the cms he threw an absolute hissy fit, so I don't doubt it's related somewhat to the money, but also to the fact he's got a live in gf who will do all the heavy lifting. He's always been more of a 'let her sort herself out' kind of Dad. Which might add to her decision.

Anyway I've decided to sleep on it for a few days.

Should I talk to her about the reality of what this means in regards to her hobby? I don't want to blackmail her, but I'd rather she knew, than expected it all to carry on as normal, with me carrying the costs. I will be able to continue to pay for a certain amount, but no where near all of it. Plus her df won't want to ferry her to and from the stables during the week and weekend, let alone pay for it on his weeks.

Yes I think you do need to set out the reality - which is why I think starting one night a week is perfect for everyone.

The fact he wont agree to it sets out his reasoning behind it

Get everything in writing from him he doesn't want to do an extra day in the week why? If he refuses to pay for her hobby or take her why? She is old enough to understand that you can't pay for it if you lose the child maintenance she might not like it but you can't break your back over this they both seem Unreasonable

Instead of telling her that it will mean she'll miss her hobby, chat with her about 'what will change, what will 50/50 look like'.

So where will she keep her things, has she got space at her dad's, what if she needs something she's left behind.
How will she get to activities, and check Dad wants to pay and will transport while he's at hers.
Will she see the same friends outside school etc.
Will she be able to focus on her well-being, her health, her therapy, her school work.

Tell her you aren't saying no, you are just working out the details to find out if it's the right thing to do.

Remind her how long it took to choose options, or other big decisions, so it's ok to take time to choose this one.

And I think, reassure her that she can come back at any point.

Maybe even say 'let's do it in the summer holidays, like a trial run! That way you can have lots of fun and see how it works without it getting in the way of school!'

I'd discuss the money side with your ex first, perhaps in an email.

Hi deadbeatdad,

So, Jane is keen for 50/50. Now we need to make the plans for it.

I suggest one week with you and the following week with me, Saturdays being handover day.

Obviously the CMS payments will stop. Therefore you need to decide if you will be paying for and taking her to horse riding. I won't be able to afford it without the CMS, so you need to decide how you're going to approach this with her. I'll leave that up to you.

I suggest we start on Saturday with my week. You can collect her from me at 9am.

Obviousl, change the details as you need to (you may want to do half the week, a different change over day, whatever)

I'd just be super business like about it.

And let him deal with the fall out from the money. If she asks about it, just say the money situation changes with 50/50 and your dad is thinking about how to deal with it.

Of she presses about horse riding, I'd just say that's up to your dad now, I won't be able to afford it, but he should be able to.

I think any changes to child access arrangements should be to benefit the child, not the adults. As she is approaching her GCSE's, I think her stability trumps his "want to see more of her". How far apart do you and her Dad live? Is there anything stopping her calling round after school or at weekends/holidays if she wants to see more of him? Obviously it won't be a problem as he also wants to see more of her.

Given that she herself is saying she wants to try 50/50, I think you should give it a go. If she was just people-pleasing she might have told her dad she wanted more contact, but she would have told you she didn't; but instead she has risked upsetting you by saying she wants 50/50. I would assume this is her genuine wish.

Can you agree to review after a trial period of, say, 3 months?

So after lots of conversations with her we've agreed to give it a go. I've let her know my door is always open and she can change her mind at any point. I think she'll end up resenting me if we don't, and she seems really keen. She's agreed to keep going with the therapist too, and will talk to her about the move. I'm gutted tbh. Feels like I did the hard slog of the younger years, when he wouldn't even have her eiw most of the time, and he swans in as the Disney dad and takes over when she's easy.

I took a pp advice and have only communicated with her df via email, as I can get angry over an email, calm down and respond like an adult. However it's already started causing issues, he wants to swap schedules to accommodate holidays, then it was him asking dd, to ask me to take her school shoe shopping, then giving her his half of the money for a school trip, rather than paying via the school app. To top it off, this afternoon he's asking me to split the child benefit. I'm beyond angry at this. It's been less than a week and he's after every penny. As it happens I pay half the cb into a trust fund for her and she gets the other half as pocket money and to buy any clothes (except school stuff), she might want, birthday gifts for friends etc), so he'd look like a knob if he tried to change that. He's said he'll keep up with her hobbies, friends ships etc to hopefully he won't go back on this.

You weren’t wrong when you said that money was probably a factor. 😡 Thank goodness you have the CB the way you do and let’s see how he copes with actual parenting, like paying for a trip properly on the school app next time.

I think you’re being v. sensible, OP, you’re staying calm for your DD’s sake-let him either step up as a parent or make a mess of things.

Definitely this approach. Stay businesslike but don't keep swallowing losses and hardship just for him to carry on being Disney dad.

Your DD is old enough to learn that there are consequences to every decision and that you're not a whipping boy, there just to soak up the pain while enabling him to look like the good guy.

He wanted 50/50 so he needs to make the contact work around his hobbies and clubs and holidays. Don't bend over to switch things around to make it easy for him - you've done the hard work over the years, he needs to see what 50/50 really looks like - and so does your DD.

I'm sure the shine will wear off and he'll soon get fed up of horse riding and clubs - but during his time that's HIS responsibility. Continue being a steady influence for your DD and let her know that your door is always open. But if she's old enough to make these decisions, she's also old enough to understand that you're not a bottomless money pit and that will have to be changes.

It's not about punishing your DD for the decision, not at all. It's about making sure this is fair to you too. She needs to be making decisions with her eyes wide open. I imagine once the 50/50 starts she won't want to revert, but she'll probably lose out on some things. Take some heart from the fact that it sounds like it's more about her siblings than her dad or you, but I completely understand why you'd feel hurt.

"I was around this age when my dad (who I saw maybe twice a year?) got remarried, and started to attempt to rebuild our relationship. My stepmum was very much part of this, and I spent more and more time at their's. He fully admitted that he didn't know how to deal with me as a young child, and so stayed at arms length. I loved getting to know the new half of my family. But what soured things slightly was my mum guilt-tripping me - she never stopped me going to my dad's but made it clear she felt very hard done by, almost as if she resented the new closeness between me and dad (which continues to this day). She was being selfish, expecting me to uphold the reasons they separated, and it wasn't fair."

@CointreauVersial you mean your dad wriggled out of all the hard stuff then came swooping back in for the fun stuff, as and when it pleased him. No wonder your mother was disgusted with him and a bit bitter.

Obviously if a relationship with your father, however belated, was positive for you then it was right for you to go, and maybe your mother should have tried harder to hide her feelings about it. But I really can't blame her for being a little disgusted by your dad's behaviour.

Being a parent means being there when it's right for the child, rather than when it's fun and convenient for you. By that standard maybe your dad is a good friend to you but he sure as hell wasn't a good father.

"Being a parent means being there when it's right for the child, rather than when it's fun and convenient for you. By that standard maybe your dad is a good friend to you but he sure as hell wasn't a good father."

@Marty13 - I think that's exactly right.

Growing up I idolised my dad - parents split when I was 8. My relationship with DM was a bit tricky and we clashed very badly. I adored my dad and was a real daddy's girl.

He died 9 yrs ago and I looked after him til he passed. He was a huge loss. However, I can look back now at his parenting, and the decisions he made and I can see that while he loved me deeply, he made some incredibly selfish decisions when I really needed him, and he effectively removed himself from my life for large chunks of time to go and pursue fun. My DB and I discussed this recently - he wasn't as close to dad as me so is perhaps clearer-eyed - dad was actually a terrible parent in many ways and my mum, for all her faults, did bloody well not to throttle him. And she must have been so annoyed with me - with my starry-eyed teen worship of him.

He's asked her already and she said she would like to be with him 50%, however I know she hates conflict and will always try to please everyone

Goes both ways though OP. She'll know you don't want her to so will back down whether she really wants to or not when YOU ask her.
At 14 I don't see the harm in her trying it 🤷‍♀️

Did you tell her what the CMS is used for and once that stops you won't be able to afford to pay for her hobby? I hope she understands that.

I wonder what will happen when this relationship with his latest gf breaks up.

Thanks again for all your responses, it helps massively to put it all down on paper.

I've always encouraged her to have a relationship with her df and I will never bad mouth him in front of her, as much as he pisses me off and I see her excusing his selfish behaviour. I've perfected the 'hmmm 'that's nice' and nod'. I adored my Dad, and I can only hope she has a relationship with her df that's similar. I do wonder what will happen once the honeymoon period is over, between dd and her df, but also ex and his new gf. Moving a stranger and her 2 kids into the house after less than 4 months has got disaster written all over it. They are looking for houses to buy (ex rents), because she's got a large sum of money following her divorce. I hope to hell she ring fences that if they buy together. I've half a mind to warn the poor woman (I won't).

I've for dd's school holiday, and agreed to his holiday, but said going forward I won't be moving from the schedule. If he's not arranged to take her shoe shopping by Monday I'll remind him. As much as I want him to forget something fundamental, like shoes, I know is dd that will suffer and it will be me that has to lend him what he's forgotten - and that will piss me off even more.

I've also decided to find the money so she can continue to ride at the times she would normally do when she's with me. I was thinking I might have to cut it down and maybe take her once a week, but I've done my sums, and although it's tight I can do it. So at least it will remain constant when she's with me.