So confused about guy I'm dating

[Fairylights246]

I'm confused, and I am hoping that maybe by just writing things down here it will help me process my thoughts.

I have been dating a guy exclusively for the past 5 months, although he does travel a lot so he has actually only been in the country for 3 months of that time, so still very early!

I just feel confused about how I feel.

Reasons I feel confused are;

1. My last couple of serious relationships have been unhealthy, one was with an emotionally unavailable man who I just felt I was constantly trying to win over. The next was with a man who cheated, and the last was a very intense, quick moving relationship where we started planning to move in together after 5 months which crashed and burnt, lots of arguing and general unhappiness.

2. I suffer with my mental health, which I am having counselling and doing the work to improve on. Sometines it is hard to determine when my mental health may be clouding my perception?

Due to previous experiences, I feel quite anxious in relationships so I am taking things very consciously slowly with this new guy.

About him - lovely, kind, caring, intelligent, good looking, stable job, same life goals as me, common interests. He makes me feel very cared for, safe, he is consistent and reliable and genuinely seems like a decent person.

We have great sex and physical chemistry. When we first started dating, we would be up until 1am chatting on the phone.

However, I feel like the conversation stopped flowing pretty quickly. Maybe by the 4th date, I felt like things just felt a bit awkward conversation wise. I felt quite anxious about wanting him to like me, so I felt this stopped me from relaxing and being able to just enjoy it, whereas on our first few dates, because I didn't know him, and didn't have any investment, I didn't really care and felt a lot more confident and chatty!

Also, he doesnt really ask questions. He always asks me how I am, how is my day, but other than that he doesnt really ask questions about deep topics, my life, ect...and even when I bring things to the table, he just doesnt explore it, it feels like conversations never really go anywhere. Sometimes I just feel so awkward and don't know what to talk about!

But at the same time, I like being around him, he makes me smile, we have lovely cuddles, I look forward to seeing him, miss him when we are apart....but when together it just doesn't feel as natural like it has with partners in the past? Sometimes the conversation just feels a bit strained, and I feel I am lacking a deeper emotional connection, which I do need.

Sometines the only times I feel properly connected is when we are having sex, or if one of us is upset, has had a bad day, and then we talk to the other for support. He is an amazing listener and very emotionally supportive and caring. But I don't want to have to be upset to feel connected? Or is that just because of my skewed vision of relationships where I have had so much drama and intensity? That just normal day to day life feels disconnected?

What you said about self-sabotaging relationships....I suspect you might be subconsciously looking for reasons for this relationship not to work.

Thank you for sharing your experience. The strange thing is, I really enjoy texting him...I feel like we have good texting conversations and it feels so much easier and more enjoyable than being face-to-face, and I don't understand why this is?? I feel connected and engaged with him via text, the convo flows, he makes me laugh ect...so what is different in real life? Is it because I feel more comfortable, or sometimes chemistry over message just doesn't always translate to chemistry face-to-face?

I don't agree with those saying deep conversations are for friends and not romantic partners! Some people might be happy with surface level small talk but that wouldn't work for me. I dumped someone I was seeing last year because he was incapable of engaging in deep conversations – not even about us or our emotions, but debates, ethical issues, society etc. All he could muster if I began musing on something was "oh yeah maybe, I dunno." It was excruciating and just made me increasingly irritated by him.

It doesn't matter if he's nice – the guy I was seeing last year was perfectly nice, kind and generous, but he wasn't right for me. I need someone who is in touch with their emotions and curious about me and the world around them and what makes people and wider society tick. I enjoy discussing these things and I'm currently seeing someone who also likes these sort of conversations. They do exist, it's very reductive to say men just don't do this. The kind of man who doesn't wouldn't be one I'm interested in!

OP, I think you need to listen to your feelings. If it feels like something is missing or there's a level of discomfort or being unsure, it probably isn't any deeper than that – it literally is just a case of you matching in some areas but not others, and you're feeling that disconnect. I agree that the long absences while he's away won't be helping build up a deeper connection. Time to move on.

@Fairylights246
How is it going op?