So confused about guy I'm dating

[Fairylights246]

I'm confused, and I am hoping that maybe by just writing things down here it will help me process my thoughts.

I have been dating a guy exclusively for the past 5 months, although he does travel a lot so he has actually only been in the country for 3 months of that time, so still very early!

I just feel confused about how I feel.

Reasons I feel confused are;

1. My last couple of serious relationships have been unhealthy, one was with an emotionally unavailable man who I just felt I was constantly trying to win over. The next was with a man who cheated, and the last was a very intense, quick moving relationship where we started planning to move in together after 5 months which crashed and burnt, lots of arguing and general unhappiness.

2. I suffer with my mental health, which I am having counselling and doing the work to improve on. Sometines it is hard to determine when my mental health may be clouding my perception?

Due to previous experiences, I feel quite anxious in relationships so I am taking things very consciously slowly with this new guy.

About him - lovely, kind, caring, intelligent, good looking, stable job, same life goals as me, common interests. He makes me feel very cared for, safe, he is consistent and reliable and genuinely seems like a decent person.

We have great sex and physical chemistry. When we first started dating, we would be up until 1am chatting on the phone.

However, I feel like the conversation stopped flowing pretty quickly. Maybe by the 4th date, I felt like things just felt a bit awkward conversation wise. I felt quite anxious about wanting him to like me, so I felt this stopped me from relaxing and being able to just enjoy it, whereas on our first few dates, because I didn't know him, and didn't have any investment, I didn't really care and felt a lot more confident and chatty!

Also, he doesnt really ask questions. He always asks me how I am, how is my day, but other than that he doesnt really ask questions about deep topics, my life, ect...and even when I bring things to the table, he just doesnt explore it, it feels like conversations never really go anywhere. Sometimes I just feel so awkward and don't know what to talk about!

But at the same time, I like being around him, he makes me smile, we have lovely cuddles, I look forward to seeing him, miss him when we are apart....but when together it just doesn't feel as natural like it has with partners in the past? Sometimes the conversation just feels a bit strained, and I feel I am lacking a deeper emotional connection, which I do need.

Sometines the only times I feel properly connected is when we are having sex, or if one of us is upset, has had a bad day, and then we talk to the other for support. He is an amazing listener and very emotionally supportive and caring. But I don't want to have to be upset to feel connected? Or is that just because of my skewed vision of relationships where I have had so much drama and intensity? That just normal day to day life feels disconnected?

Well everyone finds someone who’s right for them. Perhaps there is an intense talkative guy out there for you. But… I have never been in a relationship with a man who asks ‘deep’ questions or much more than ‘how was your day’. Been married for 20 yrs and DH still runs a mile at deep conversations 🤣

Perhaps what you need is a bunch of female best friends you can be ‘deep’ and analytical and very chatty with. From a man, you’re mostly going to get monosyllabic answers, great sex, and some cuddles if you’re lucky 😬 Men are very good at DIY, gardening, lifting heavy objects etc, I do recommend having one - but they are mostly crap at chatting.

@Neverreturntoathread

Well everyone finds someone who’s right for them. Perhaps there is an intense talkative guy out there for you. But… I have never been in a relationship with a man who asks ‘deep’ questions or much more than ‘how was your day’. Been married for 20 yrs and DH still runs a mile at deep conversations 🤣

Perhaps what you need is a bunch of female best friends you can be ‘deep’ and analytical and very chatty with. From a man, you’re mostly going to get monosyllabic answers, great sex, and some cuddles if you’re lucky 😬 Men are very good at DIY, gardening, lifting heavy objects etc, I do recommend having one - but they are mostly crap at chatting.

Thank you for your reply! My longest, and healthiest relationship was in my teens and early twenties, with a guy I was with of 6 years. He was not deep at all, but he used to make me laugh all the time, so we always had such a great time together that I was just happy in his company!

My current guy does make me smile and laugh, but not like I have laughed in previous relationships so that is a worry too... yesterday we went for a nice countryside walk, and I just felt like there kept being uncomfortable silences, the conversation just felt so strained to me, and not natural, but then because I'm anxious, I dont know if I am worrying about it, so I notice it, and then panic haha. He hasn't said anything and seems normal and happy with me? Although I havent asked him because how do you say to someone, so do you think we have nothing to talk about? Haha

I just felt like there kept being uncomfortable silences

I think learning to embrace silences is quite important in long-term relationships - to recalibrate them as companionable and comfortable rather than uncomfortable.

It's not because you've run out of things to say to each other, it's because you can fully relax with each other and if you've got nothing to say in that moment it doesn't matter. There are plenty of times in life when you don't have anything to say. The constant stream of conversation when you're excited to get to know each other isn't going to last all your life - you end up knowing your partner so well that you don't need to say anything out loud.

I do understand where you're coming from - DP is very at ease with companionable silences whereas I often see them as holes to be filled with conversation. But there's something really idyllic about a lazy afternoon on the sofa where we're both curled up with a book, or a countryside walk where we're both taking in nature rather than chattering away.

And we do still have "deep" conversations when we want/need to (I don't think it's true that men can't have proper conversations!) - but you can't be deep and analytical 24/7.

@gannett

I just felt like there kept being uncomfortable silences

I think learning to embrace silences is quite important in long-term relationships - to recalibrate them as companionable and comfortable rather than uncomfortable.

It's not because you've run out of things to say to each other, it's because you can fully relax with each other and if you've got nothing to say in that moment it doesn't matter. There are plenty of times in life when you don't have anything to say. The constant stream of conversation when you're excited to get to know each other isn't going to last all your life - you end up knowing your partner so well that you don't need to say anything out loud.

I do understand where you're coming from - DP is very at ease with companionable silences whereas I often see them as holes to be filled with conversation. But there's something really idyllic about a lazy afternoon on the sofa where we're both curled up with a book, or a countryside walk where we're both taking in nature rather than chattering away.

And we do still have "deep" conversations when we want/need to (I don't think it's true that men can't have proper conversations!) - but you can't be deep and analytical 24/7.

Yeah, I totally get that silence is okay, and i am an introvert so I am not someone who can talk all day long, and I like being quiet...but it just doesn't feel comfortable to me...it isn't a silence where I feel like we are just chilling out in eachothers presence, it feels like "oh god, what should I say?" I don't know if I am overthinking, looking for problems because he is otherwise amazing, or my gut is saying something in the connection feels off? Like something just doesn't feel right...is that because it isn't, or because I have had such a tumultuous childhood and previous relationships that I'm looking for problems in a kind, gentle, normal man?

I think that you feel like something isn't right because you've always had relationships where the bad things were the focus.

If you really like him and want to be with him, you should relax more and go with the flow. In relationships at first you have deep conversations to know each other and if are compatible enough; after is less.

Could you feel that because you think he is too good to be true? If you can't shake off that feeling just leave him so you don't waste yours and his time.

My ex husband was one for "deep conversations" (aka navel-gazing). It is very, very, very tedious. Deep conversations involved "let's talk about me, me, me, and me".

Save deep conversations for female friends (and even then, people tend to grow out of them once they leave school).

Yeah, I totally get that silence is okay, and i am an introvert so I am not someone who can talk all day long, and I like being quiet...but it just doesn't feel comfortable to me...it isn't a silence where I feel like we are just chilling out in eachothers presence, it feels like "oh god, what should I say?" I don't know if I am overthinking, looking for problems because he is otherwise amazing, or my gut is saying something in the connection feels off? Like something just doesn't feel right...is that because it isn't, or because I have had such a tumultuous childhood and previous relationships that I'm looking for problems in a kind, gentle, normal man?

I don't know that there is such a thing as "objectively right" here. He sounds normal and so do you. You might still be getting used to each other's communication style or you might ultimately be incompatible - either of those outcomes is also normal and you shouldn't feel any shame about it if you do realise you need someone more talkative!

I'd try a few things out in your place. Next time there's a silence you perceive as uncomfortable, try to relax into it and embrace it - just as an experiment. Consciously stop thinking "what do I say next" - indeed stop thinking and zone out. See if that makes it more comfortable.

When you think "what do I say next", why is that? Do you feel it's your responsibility to entertain him or keep him occupied, or keep his attention on you? Because those are all thoughts you need to train yourself out of. He's not going to get bored of you if you don't speak - and if he does then he's not right for you anyway.

Or is it that the lack of conversation is making you bored of him? I'd pay more attention to that feeling. If you feel that you're starting conversation about things that are interesting to you, and he's not responding, that's a sign of incompatibility.

And is he still a good conversationalist at times? Being less chatty than at the start is natural, but completely dead conversation is awful and you don't need to be in a relationship like that. Does he perk up when you talk about mutual interests, can he still be good company.

Hard to say what your situation is from the outside but it's worth thinking about those things.

Here's a nugget of information you can go your whole life without realising. But once you realise this you're set for life relationship-wise.

If a man wants to be with you, you will not have one single doubt of this fact.

If you are confused, he's just not that into you.

Break it off, reason being you want something serious.

If he does too he will come back. If not, you lost nothing.

@mrziggycoco

Here's a nugget of information you can go your whole life without realising. But once you realise this you're set for life relationship-wise.

If a man wants to be with you, you will not have one single doubt of this fact.

If you are confused, he's just not that into you.

Break it off, reason being you want something serious.

If he does too he will come back. If not, you lost nothing.

I know that he wants to be with me, he is very consistent, I have met his parents, and some of his friends. He messages me every day, sees me regularly, even when he was on holiday he was checking in with me every day. He has mentioned before about booking a weekend away somewhere, he is very kind and caring towards me. I have no doubts that he likes me, wants to date me, ect. But there is something that doesn't feel quite right somehow

Stop judging how you feel. None of us can do anything about how we feel. If we could, we'd all choose to love healthy food and the gym, and to dislike chocolate. We'd all choose to love the most sensible partner. We'd all choose to love goals and being outside our comfort zone in ways that would progress our lives.

Just feel how you feel, and don't pick it apart. You don't feel comfortable enough with this guy to consistently enjoy your relationship. That's it. You don't need a 'why'. You don't need to explain yourself to yourself.

There is no 'right' way to feel. There are no rules about how you 'should' feel. So just feel as you feel, naturally, and choose situations/people where you feel good. That's it. That's all you need to know about boundaries and successful relationships: don't hang around with people you don't feel good with.

Your anxiety will diminish hugely when you realise that you can't reason with your feelings. All you can do is accept them, and behave responsibly with regard to them: with respect to them and with respect to others. They're the natural part of you; like the weather. There are storms and rain sometimes, and all you can do is go where there's shelter. You can't stop the rain.

@Neverreturntoathread

Well everyone finds someone who’s right for them. Perhaps there is an intense talkative guy out there for you. But… I have never been in a relationship with a man who asks ‘deep’ questions or much more than ‘how was your day’. Been married for 20 yrs and DH still runs a mile at deep conversations 🤣

Perhaps what you need is a bunch of female best friends you can be ‘deep’ and analytical and very chatty with. From a man, you’re mostly going to get monosyllabic answers, great sex, and some cuddles if you’re lucky 😬 Men are very good at DIY, gardening, lifting heavy objects etc, I do recommend having one - but they are mostly crap at chatting.

I disagree. He sounds really boring.

I want to be with someone I enjoy talking to otherwise I'd be bored stiff and the sexual chemistry wouldn't last.

Dump him op, he's not the man for you.

@gannett

Yeah, I totally get that silence is okay, and i am an introvert so I am not someone who can talk all day long, and I like being quiet...but it just doesn't feel comfortable to me...it isn't a silence where I feel like we are just chilling out in eachothers presence, it feels like "oh god, what should I say?" I don't know if I am overthinking, looking for problems because he is otherwise amazing, or my gut is saying something in the connection feels off? Like something just doesn't feel right...is that because it isn't, or because I have had such a tumultuous childhood and previous relationships that I'm looking for problems in a kind, gentle, normal man?

I don't know that there is such a thing as "objectively right" here. He sounds normal and so do you. You might still be getting used to each other's communication style or you might ultimately be incompatible - either of those outcomes is also normal and you shouldn't feel any shame about it if you do realise you need someone more talkative!

I'd try a few things out in your place. Next time there's a silence you perceive as uncomfortable, try to relax into it and embrace it - just as an experiment. Consciously stop thinking "what do I say next" - indeed stop thinking and zone out. See if that makes it more comfortable.

When you think "what do I say next", why is that? Do you feel it's your responsibility to entertain him or keep him occupied, or keep his attention on you? Because those are all thoughts you need to train yourself out of. He's not going to get bored of you if you don't speak - and if he does then he's not right for you anyway.

Or is it that the lack of conversation is making you bored of him? I'd pay more attention to that feeling. If you feel that you're starting conversation about things that are interesting to you, and he's not responding, that's a sign of incompatibility.

And is he still a good conversationalist at times? Being less chatty than at the start is natural, but completely dead conversation is awful and you don't need to be in a relationship like that. Does he perk up when you talk about mutual interests, can he still be good company.

Hard to say what your situation is from the outside but it's worth thinking about those things.

I'd try a few things out in your place. Next time there's a silence you perceive as uncomfortable, try to relax into it and embrace it - just as an experiment. Consciously stop thinking "what do I say next" - indeed stop thinking and zone out. See if that makes it more comfortable.

• Thank you, I will try and do this and see what happens!

When you think "what do I say next", why is that? Do you feel it's your responsibility to entertain him or keep him occupied, or keep his attention on you? Because those are all thoughts you need to train yourself out of. He's not going to get bored of you if you don't speak - and if he does then he's not right for you anyway.

• I am not sure. I just feel like something is missing, and I am trying hard to find it. I need a deeper emotional connection. I guess I feel like he doesn't feel know me that much on a more meaningful level and I feel I need more mental and emotional intimacy.

Or is it that the lack of conversation is making you bored of him? I'd pay more attention to that feeling. If you feel that you're starting conversation about things that are interesting to you, and he's not responding, that's a sign of incompatibility.

• Yes, I feel like lots of times I try to start conversations about things and he is a good listener, but he doesn't ask questions, or take the conversation anywhere so it just falls flat, the conversation dies. I do ask him things about himself too and he is a lot better at talking about himself, but I want him to show the same interest in me.

And is he still a good conversationalist at times? Being less chatty than at the start is natural, but completely dead conversation is awful and you don't need to be in a relationship like that. Does he perk up when you talk about mutual interests, can he still be good company.

• He is still good company, nice to be around, and he can tell me stories about his day or his friends, but even if he asks me questions and I tell him something about my day, he just doesn't really respond. I dunno, it sounds worse written down! :(

In that case I think break it off and find someone who suits you better. He's perfectly nice but he's just not the one for you. It's not that deep, you're not 100% happy with it so move on. (I know it's not that easy, but that's the crux of it. All the time you're with him you're not meeting the person who is right for you )

@MrsEricBana

In that case I think break it off and find someone who suits you better. He's perfectly nice but he's just not the one for you. It's not that deep, you're not 100% happy with it so move on. (I know it's not that easy, but that's the crux of it. All the time you're with him you're not meeting the person who is right for you )

I agree with this. Him being nice isn't enough, unless you think you are compatible with all the nice men in the world?

Leave him and then you'll have time to meet someone who blows your socks off. Don't stay with anyone who doesn't.

yesterday we went for a nice countryside walk, and I just felt like there kept being uncomfortable silences, the conversation just felt so strained to me

If you're an introvert who is comfortable with silence normally and still find it awkward with him on 1-1 time, then maybe there is just something missing. I would try it a little more however, and relax into the silence, curb any anxieties, and see how you feel. As a pp said, get out of your head and focus more on how you feel when physically in his presence. If you feel anxious or uncertain, then it's not right. If you feel relaxed and enjoy yourself, then he is. That simple really.

If after all that, in-person meets still feel strained, then I'd reconsider. You might love the idea of him and how lovely he is, hence missing him and liking him, but the real him may not interest or excite you as much. Also if he's been away a lot of the time, your emotions are mostly based on the idea of him forged through long distance conversations. I had this with a guy i was crazy about when we were long distance at the start. But when he permanently moved back, I realised we didn't really have as much in common as I thought and the distance had disguised it. It ended soon after and now I pay much more attention to how i connect with someone doing mundane, boring things in day to day life.

It’s perfectly possible for a man to be a nice kind genuine person but not compatible with you. The fact that you obviously feel like something is missing is a sign that you’re not compatible. This will get worse as time goes on.
I think you should take the advice from @mrziggycoco and apply it to yourself. It seems like you have some doubts about the relationship and whether you should be in it. What do YOU want?

@phizog

yesterday we went for a nice countryside walk, and I just felt like there kept being uncomfortable silences, the conversation just felt so strained to me

If you're an introvert who is comfortable with silence normally and still find it awkward with him on 1-1 time, then maybe there is just something missing. I would try it a little more however, and relax into the silence, curb any anxieties, and see how you feel. As a pp said, get out of your head and focus more on how you feel when physically in his presence. If you feel anxious or uncertain, then it's not right. If you feel relaxed and enjoy yourself, then he is. That simple really.

If after all that, in-person meets still feel strained, then I'd reconsider. You might love the idea of him and how lovely he is, hence missing him and liking him, but the real him may not interest or excite you as much. Also if he's been away a lot of the time, your emotions are mostly based on the idea of him forged through long distance conversations. I had this with a guy i was crazy about when we were long distance at the start. But when he permanently moved back, I realised we didn't really have as much in common as I thought and the distance had disguised it. It ended soon after and now I pay much more attention to how i connect with someone doing mundane, boring things in day to day life.

Yeah, I do think him going away frequently has quite often affected the momentum and how I feel. I did feel close to him before he went away, but he has just been away for 3 weeks, and then I feel like things loose momentum, my walls go up and then it takes time for me to relax again when he comes back, and then just as I relax, he goes away again, haha. We did have a really nice weekend just before he went away, that is why it is confusing, sometimes I feel very happy and positive, but others time, I just feel something is missing and not right. I guess only time will tell and it isn't normal if this feeling continues. I just know that my counsellor tells me I self sabotage healthy relationships, so I am just so worried that is what I am doing! It is hard to know if my anxiety is talking or my gut.

sometimes I feel very happy and positive, but others time, I just feel something is missing and not right

A good relationship doesn't have the second part. Why do you feel you need to accept a relationship that sometimes makes you happy?

It sounds like you just don't feel comfortable around him tbh. That might be because you dont know him all that well, it might be that you have residual anxiety or he's not the right person for you or a mix of all the above. I like non superficial conversation as well, not all the time obviously but I like to understand a person and im easily bored so I tend to go for complicated characters that like that kind of thing as well. Its not to everyone's taste!

Your man while he sounds nice, I couldnt abide it. You dont have to abide it simply because he's nice!

- Yes, I feel like lots of times I try to start conversations about things and he is a good listener, but he doesn't ask questions, or take the conversation anywhere so it just falls flat, the conversation dies. I do ask him things about himself too and he is a lot better at talking about himself, but I want him to show the same interest in me.

Oh I would pay some attention to this yellow flag too unfortunately. I think we all know people who are better at talking about themselves than showing interest in other people. Sometimes it's just being a lazy conversationalist but it's also a sign they might ultimately be quite self-centred.

I don't mind having those people around as friends if they're particularly witty when they talk about themselves, but they're not going to be the closest friends and I'd want more in a partner.

I've found that they respond well to what they dish out - ie if you want to talk about yourself to them, you just launch into it without waiting to be asked. That's too much like hard work in a partner though.

Ultimately OP, it might be worth feeling each other out a bit more, but being incompatible with or not feeling a connection with a decent guy doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

@Fairylights246 How has he committed to you?

What he's said is irrelevant. How has he committed?

Has he asked you to be his giflfriend?

@Neverreturntoathread

Well everyone finds someone who’s right for them. Perhaps there is an intense talkative guy out there for you. But… I have never been in a relationship with a man who asks ‘deep’ questions or much more than ‘how was your day’. Been married for 20 yrs and DH still runs a mile at deep conversations 🤣

Perhaps what you need is a bunch of female best friends you can be ‘deep’ and analytical and very chatty with. From a man, you’re mostly going to get monosyllabic answers, great sex, and some cuddles if you’re lucky 😬 Men are very good at DIY, gardening, lifting heavy objects etc, I do recommend having one - but they are mostly crap at chatting.

I completely disagree with this.

A partner who wouldn't engage in conversations and debates would drive me to tears from boredom. I love the conversations we have, from politics to arts to news. And the debates when we disagree or have different view points!

I also would not be involved with someone who doesn't connect emotionally; I don't obsess over specific details or rehash "why do you love me" etc, but we do work together to openly plan our future.

That being said, different strokes for different people. Other people may be driven mad by this type of relationship!

I would suggest understanding what you need and want from a partner for a healthy, loving and successful relationship should be worked through with your therapist. I struggle with high functioning anxiety and low self-esteem, and therapy a few years ago helped me beyond words in understanding why I was finding myself with the wrong partner.

I had one like this. He was amazing if I was upset but every day conversations were very one sided, he would talk about him all the time, and didn't ask many questions about me. It was okay at the start as the chemistry was amazing but red flags appeared very soon and lots of them. I'm not saying he's the same but maybe the chemistry is clouding what he's really like. If someone pays more interest in themself, I think it's a red flag. if you don't like this part of him end it.

I wouldn't see any future in it, he likes travelling for months, you only really feel that connection physically. It sounds too dull if the conversation doesn't flow easily

I've been reading this and a bit in two minds . My 2 year relationship ended last November and one of the reasons was we didn't have enough to talk about and the connection and chat never went deeper than day to day chit chat. I realised one day that our topics were very limited and he also never asked me questions. Physically we were very close and I missed that part but I didn't miss the chats at all. Even the texts were boring.

I would try and start conversations beyond the day to day and he wasn't remotely interested.

I think ultimately you need someone who's your friend first and foremost and then everything else follows.