Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Met online date today and.....

226 replies

PawPaw333 · 18/04/2022 20:13

His teeth were so fucking awful.
He's lovely in every other respect, decent, good looking, respectful.. But once he opens his mouth I couldn't get past the teeth.
They are crooked, gappy and badly discoloured.
Am I being shallow here? I liked everything else about him.

OP posts:
iBrows · 18/04/2022 22:24

I was in this exact position years ago!

I went on the second date after some convincing from my friends that I was being shallow. Long story short, I absolutely love him and his “imperfect” smile is now my favourite sight in the world.

Give him a chance Smile

JedEye · 18/04/2022 22:25

Go with your instincts.

I’d be off. But I’m shallow. I wouldn’t meet him again he might try to dive in for a kiss. Eek!

Original poster
PawPaw333 · 18/04/2022 22:25

He didn't have bad breath for pp that was asking. I was sat next to him. He actually smelt very nice. He had really kind eyes and was a total respectful gentleman. I just remember my heart sinking as soon as I saw his teeth.. That's what I'm struggling to get past, whether or not that's just an initial reaction and something that could disappear over time as I've genuinely never been in this predicament before. If he had been an arrogant tosser with his bad teeth that would be much easier but he was genuinely lovely.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 18/04/2022 22:47

Teeth are a big thing for me. In this day and age there is no excuse for having poor teeth really. Get em cleaned & whitened at the v least. It would be a hard no from me tbh.

CousinKrispy · 18/04/2022 22:48

Yeah, it's shallow if it's just about how it looks. Just like judging people on their height or hair colour or whatever.

If you had evidence that he didn't take care of his teeth, that indicates something about his character. But many posters have pointed out that that's not necessarily the case for him.

I think he deserves a partner who doesn't judge him on this.

cakeorwine · 18/04/2022 22:53

@HaggisBurger

Teeth are a big thing for me. In this day and age there is no excuse for having poor teeth really. Get em cleaned & whitened at the v least. It would be a hard no from me tbh.
Because NHS dentists are so common and private dentistry is so cheap

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-50467776

SnowRoses · 18/04/2022 23:00

And this is why so many people are single

HaggisBurger · 18/04/2022 23:00

@PawPaw333 yes - teeth whitening is not prohibitively expensive - about £100. A visit to the dental hygenist is £60. Full scale orthodontistry - is very expensive. But crooked teeth that are
whitened and cleaned look completely different yellow discoloured ones.

HaggisBurger · 18/04/2022 23:03

Sorry that was for @cakeorwine - the guy hasn’t been to the dentist for 30 years apparently. That’s gross and would be a real turn off for me. People that are really neglectful of basic self-care I feel would not be for me as a romantic partner.

Catcrazy83 · 18/04/2022 23:04

Of course it’s not shallow. You’re attracted to what you’re attracted to. You don’t decide that, nor should you try and force it. Bad teeth are a hard no for me too, I don’t mean they have to be perfect, but front ones missing, overcrowding/gaps. Yellow, stained, bad breath all unattractive to me. I have a thing for bold man though, which many woman find unattractive, it’s all personal preference and nothing to feel guilty about

Tigofigo · 18/04/2022 23:05

Teeth can be fixed or at least greatly improved... He might not have the means or motivation right now, but that could change.

shssandhr · 18/04/2022 23:08

Teeth are a big thing for me. In this day and age there is no excuse for having poor teeth really. Get em cleaned & whitened at the v least. It would be a hard no from me tbh

There are plenty of reasons why people might have poor teeth. So many people can't get access to an NHS dentist at all and can't afford a private dentist.
And it's not as easy as getting them "cleaned and whitened". If the man has staining caused by tetracycline (which many people in their 30s and 40s do - it was an antibiotic given in pregnancy and to children before it turned out that it stains teeth forming in the gums), those stains will not be coming out with cleaning and whitening.
They go through the entire structure of the tooth and can not be lifted with bleaching. The stains can even show through veneers.

You have no idea why he has stained teeth. They might actually be very healthy teeth, just gappy and discoloured (which might be no fault of his own). Read up on the subject before posting stuff like "in this day and age there's no excuse" etcetc.

He might also have a genuine phobia of dentists which is little understood by those who can merrily trip off to the dentist without a second thought, or even those who experience some anxiety when going. There are plenty of dental phobics around.

OP if you don't think you can get past it then don't arrange a second date. And don't arrange a second date thinking you could get him to get his teeth bleached and fixed at some point in the future (as some people have suggested). It might not be possible for him at all.
But if you feel you liked everything else about him and were attracted to him in other ways, then perhaps you could give him another chance.
I'd rather be with a nice guy with dodgy teeth than with someone like my shitbag ex.....

Greyarea12 · 18/04/2022 23:09

I don't think your being shallow at all. My first thought reading your post was.. oh what about kissing him then I saw you said that later on down the thread. At end of the day everyone has their preferences and likes/dislikes - that doesn't make you shallow. Personally really bad teeth, especially ones very discoloured would also put me off, especially kissing. I see you like him though so maybe try a second date and see if you can move past his teeth. I see some have advised you to tell him - I say absolutely not, it would really embarrass him and prob knock his confidence & self esteem. My advice would be to try a second date and take it from there.

Successgirl2022 · 18/04/2022 23:14

Is it in the UK? Many/very many people in the USA (more than in the UK) look after their teeth quite well from the time they are born.

Unfortunately, very many people have bad or very bad teeth.

Very often it's 1) genetics 2) poverty 3) they don't care about basic appearance 4) an excuse not to do all in their power to have better teeth.

My teeth are all right more or less. I am saving up for implanted teeth at the back.

Beautiful teeth can be done/sorted. All that matters is money for them if the bones are quite healthy for needed implants.

Very many people from Eastern Europe, especially the former USSR suffer from bad/very bad teeth because of radiation in certain areas, not the best quality water, and a bad low-quality dentist approach in Soviet times. I am one of the sufferers for those reasons.

WizardHowl · 18/04/2022 23:14

I once had a boyfriend whose teeth were clean and white, but a bit too small for his mouth - he was a tall muscular rugby player, so they were a bit reminiscent of toddler teeth in his mouth! But I liked his personality and his values and the way his mind worked, so I agreed to go on a second date with him, and ended up falling in love with all of him, including his teeth Smile

Successgirl2022 · 18/04/2022 23:19

If I liked this man, I'd see him again and find out gently the true reason(s) for his teeth problems.

I don't look at it as if it's none of my business. Some people don't mind sharing reasons when they feel they can trust in a private conversation.

KatherineJaneway · 18/04/2022 23:24

YANBU

doggiescats · 18/04/2022 23:27

@ReadyforTakeOff

He sounds dirty, and not in a good way. Dump and run.
What an ignorant,judgy comment!! My teeth are yellow rather than white…am late 50s …havnt got a filling yet and see Dentist every six months!! Am definitely not dirty!
ValerieCupcake · 18/04/2022 23:36

@PawPaw333

I just imagine him coming near me to kiss me and it makes me shudder but I feel like I'm being mean.. Teeth are a pretty big deal though as you see them every single day. His last relationship was 20 years so she must've just got used to them and accepted it.
He probably just let himself go and they weren't like that when they started going out together.
EarthSight · 18/04/2022 23:38

@PawPaw333

I feel bad because I'd 100 % fancy him if it wasn't for the teeth. He ticks every other box. I fancy him until he opens his mouth.
@NaiceHamAndHugs

OP I get it! I’ve been with my DH for 27 years and he’s been to the dentist twice in that time! It’s awful because I can’t divorce him due to his lack of oral hygiene, but his last visit was when we got married 15 years ago! I can’t kiss him any more it’s probably been about 10 years) and he never questions it when I shy away as I think he knows but if I dare told him he’d be so hugely offended it could ruin our relationship. We are only mid 40s. You absolutely don’t want to end up like this!! I desperately miss kissing. It makes me really very sad because I know I’ve missed out hugely

There is something incredibly wrong with your relationship or your ideal of conflict management if you are this afraid of letting your husband know that he needs to go to the dentist. It's tragic and I think you could do with couples counselling. Makes me wonder what kind of other things you are both carrying without talking about it.

EarthSight · 18/04/2022 23:42

You are allowed to have sexual preferences OP. You don't need to be a saint, for fuck's sake! Do men agonise about things like this to this extent?? It seems to be women who feel guilty.

How yellow are they? He might not have been to a hygienist for a while, or he drinks a lot of coffee or smokes a lot.

EarthSight · 18/04/2022 23:45

Also - how would you feel about that mouth coming near you during sex :/

EVERY physical sexual preference could be deemed as shallow OP.

ValerieCupcake · 18/04/2022 23:47

I keep seeing Shane McGowan.

starray · 19/04/2022 00:12

@PawPaw333

The teeth do give me the ick. Without sounding arrogant, I take great care with my oral hygiene and have been blessed with straight white teeth, I don't expect any potential date to have the same but it's just the discolouration that really put me off.
Discolouration is not always from poor dental hygiene. There are medical conditions which can affect the colour of the teeth, and no, there won't be anything he can do about the colour of his teeth if it is due to a medical condition.
SlatsandFlaps · 19/04/2022 00:12

@PawPaw333

The teeth do give me the ick. Without sounding arrogant, I take great care with my oral hygiene and have been blessed with straight white teeth, I don't expect any potential date to have the same but it's just the discolouration that really put me off.
There are dental conditions that can make your teeth discolour - my child has one. So embarrassing at school and I have to keep telling every new teacher and showing her the paperwork otherwise I'll end up with social services accusing me of not brushing her teeth!
Swipe left for the next trending thread