Online dating - early 40s - should I even bother?

[Rec0veringAcademic]

I've been toying with the idea of online dating for a while now. Background: I am early 40s, long-time single, had a horrid abusive relationship in my late 20s (mentally, emotionally, sexually abusive - I escaped, worked hard on my boundaries, but it did scar me). I look OK - look after hair, skin, and fitness, but I'm no "looker" whatever that means.

No kids. Have had a couple of no-go relationships, or attempts at relationships, in my 30s (think I posted here about the last one, closed that one down sharpish), but overall I just didn't really want to be in one, focused on work and scraping a living together instead.

The reason why I am thinking about OLD is that I do, now, want to have someone in my life - a partner, someone who will be there for me and who I can be there for. Groups, activities, etc. have been almost erased by COVID and I find that people just don't use them for finding a partner anyway.

BUT: after being single and self-reliant for so long, should I even bother? At my age?

I've lost count of the horror stories my friends have told me about OLD. (Male and female friends both.) Human beings being treated as commodities in a shop window, people using OLD for finding a different sex partner for every day of the weeek.

I look at LTR's around me, how they can and do go horribly wrong, I look at my own past and I get scared of being hurt again. My self-esteem is pretty vulnerable, to put it mildly. Guess Tinder is out of the question for the likes of me.

Any thoughts? Success stories / advice? TIA!

I do OLD and it's absolutely fine. I occasionally comment like this because the posts on MN are so resoundingly negative and it put me off for years. But it is actually fine. I am completely honest. I am really clear about what I want and what I can offer. I reject the majority of offers. I exit conversations very quickly and unmatch with abandon. I am not emotionally vulnerable, which might make a difference.

I am not beautiful. I'm just a normal woman with wrinkles and saddlebags and questionable hair-- and I do fine on those apps. I go out for dinner with attractive, interesting men whenever I want, basically. I've met some really great guys and enjoyed myself a lot: great sex, a marvellous fling, riotous drinking and laughing til the small hours... all sorts.

I've met a couple of blokes that I didn't fancy in the flesh, but we still had a fun date and parted on friendly terms.

None of it has been awful!

I am not looking for a LTR which might make the difference. I only date other single professionals over 40, who want dinner dates, good conversation, and regular, respectful, fwb. For this purpose, OLD is excellent.

My only advice is to really listen to what the other person is saying and be really clear about what you want. Don't pre-concede or change what you want to match what you think they want. Don't spend ages talking if you like them move to in person quickly (with safety in mind get their surname/ linkedin / etc before you meet).

@lomoloko do you have any apps you recommend?
Am about to get back in the dating game but not sure where to start

Just prepare yourself for many of the people you're chatting with, and have met up with, to suddenly disappear with no explanation, as this is quite common. But aside from that, it's not 100% terrible. I received no dick pics and while I met a few guys I didn't click with, none of them were creeps. And now I have an absolutely lovely bloke I met on an app.

I was very picky about who I swiped on, chatted with, and met up with. Weed ruthlessly.

Don't hesitate to have firm boundaries. I had no interest in casual sex and wanted to take things slowly and establish friendship first (I've been in an abusive relationship too and didn't want to repeat that experience). Obviously that's not the only "right" way to proceed, but if it's what you prefer, yes you can find some men who prefer that too and are happy to go at your pace.

Being willing to carry out an extended conversation and take time to get to know someone before unmatching might be worth it. It's how things developed with my guy. Obviously not if you are getting bad vibes off them.

It's just a matter of luck, and if you try it and just find it frustrating, then drop it. There are other ways to meet people. But it's not all horror stories.

Go for it.
I’m 45, soon to be divorced, no children and I’ve really enjoyed online dating. Just approach with a open mind, go for dinners, meet new people and having some stories to tell.

Hi all, sorry to butt in on this but I’ve started this in the last few months and am enjoying it so far, similar age to OP.How do you cope with rejection or ghosting? Is this the norm nowadays? I just say it as I went on a date last week, we got on, he asked me face to face to meet again and even kissed (first kiss since starting for me). Real gent or so it appeared but I think he may not be replying to my last message. Is that normal dating behaviour that you have to get used to this part of?

A few people I know found their husbands on OLD in their 40's. You have nothing to lose. Go for it

Yeah the disappearing/ghosting seems to be pretty normal these days.

I copied by writing out lists of the men's bad points to lessen the sting of rejection!

@Redberries85
Yes it's very normal, I think people find it a lot easier to ghost then to be honest which is sad but modern dating seems to enable this a lot more. A lot of men have several women on the go at once until you are exclusive which I also struggle with, I dont want to be an option although to be fair it can go both ways.

@CousinKrispy that’s a good idea. It does sting a bit but need to get more used to it I suppose

@Mermaidwaves find it so strange when people aren’t just honest, he messaged me a few times after the date but just not replied my last one. Surely it’s the decent thing to do to let someone know. Anyway… hopefully the right one is out there

Op I think as long as old is a small part of a full life then it’s ok. It’s good to have a balance of positive things in your life - friends, hobbies to help maintain your self esteem and distract you from the more horrible moments.

Fwiw I was mid 40s, just out of a 20 year relationship, and I had a good experience with old. I met some interesting (and some boring!) men and my current partner of theee years. This was on Match.

Ghosting is the way to go these days, I am learning this. Don't get over invested until you've met a few times. I think a lot of people multi date for a while.

On the flip side, I unmatch from most men I exchange messages with. If they say anything creepy or I feel we have nothing in common. I don't message to explain, they are just randoms on the internet, so I just delete.

I have met 3 nice men so far but I am open to Fwb and a relationship (if the right one comes along). One I met and it fizzled, the 2nd was only here with work for a short period (it was mind blowing sex though 😁) and the 3rd is going travelling in a few months (also amazing sex).

I'm 43 and am solvent with a good job. I'm not so sure I want a full blown live together relationship again. I have a child and I can provide for both myself and her. I don't need a provider and I don't want any more children. I'd like a relationship again but it has to be the right person and it would be unlikely to involve living together. I'm quite happy with the lovely guys I've met for fwb relationships so far. They've been honest and I've gone into it knowing it would be short term.

Why do you think people suddenly disappear?

Many reasons but I think a lot of them like the ego boost chatting to a lot of women gives them. Then when it gets to a point where they're expected to meet up, they disappear.

I suspect some are married, some are insecure and some have met someone they like (most people will be messaging several people at once).

Also, like I do, they may just unmatch with someone they feel they aren't gelling with.

Well I always advocate for meeting people out and about. I met my husband at a group. My philosophy on dating was to live life and by living life and doing the things I was interested in a partner would come along from that, and he did. We knew one another for a couple of years before getting together.

I agree online dating brings bad stock. Seen it millions of times.

Get out there and live your life to the fullest.

im 32 and I would run away from online dating..i spoke to over 200 men. One was a catfish in all ways and another not who said he was
:( fake everything! name, age everythinggg it was really fucked up! Pretty sure they have criminal records..tindler swindler dudes and eww to all ( many secretly have gfs or wives sadly) without sounding arrogant..like ewww if i'm early 40's I would mix with people in groups or whereever heck even an ex bf is better than those catfish creeps online..

@lomoloko

I do OLD and it's absolutely fine. I occasionally comment like this because the posts on MN are so resoundingly negative and it put me off for years. But it is actually fine. I am completely honest. I am really clear about what I want and what I can offer. I reject the majority of offers. I exit conversations very quickly and unmatch with abandon. I am not emotionally vulnerable, which might make a difference.

I am not beautiful. I'm just a normal woman with wrinkles and saddlebags and questionable hair-- and I do fine on those apps. I go out for dinner with attractive, interesting men whenever I want, basically. I've met some really great guys and enjoyed myself a lot: great sex, a marvellous fling, riotous drinking and laughing til the small hours... all sorts.

I've met a couple of blokes that I didn't fancy in the flesh, but we still had a fun date and parted on friendly terms.

None of it has been awful!

I am not looking for a LTR which might make the difference. I only date other single professionals over 40, who want dinner dates, good conversation, and regular, respectful, fwb. For this purpose, OLD is excellent.

My only advice is to really listen to what the other person is saying and be really clear about what you want. Don't pre-concede or change what you want to match what you think they want. Don't spend ages talking if you like them move to in person quickly (with safety in mind get their surname/ linkedin / etc before you meet).

This is excellent advice, thank you - I think I have been guilty of being too eager to please when I was young. I do like the idea of unmatching with abandon!

@mrziggycoco

Well I always advocate for meeting people out and about. I met my husband at a group. My philosophy on dating was to live life and by living life and doing the things I was interested in a partner would come along from that, and he did. We knew one another for a couple of years before getting together.

I agree online dating brings bad stock. Seen it millions of times.

Get out there and live your life to the fullest.

Problem is, my idea of living life to the fullest is adult ballet (not many men there), reading a lot, and going for looooong walks. It's not exactly raining men in my life.

I guess I need to get out more - but where?

I recommend Bumble, only the woman can make the first contact, based on both swiping right.

recoveringacademic I joined Meet-up and went to a few events . I went on a few organised rambles, a board games playing night, a history talk.

I didn’t meet any men at them because I didn’t go often enough to meet anyone twice and I stopped once I’d met dp. But I enjoyed them and if I had more time would start going again.

I've just turned 50 and been old for 2 years.
The past few dates have really put me off .
Grow a very thick skin is my advice .
I look younger , just had a date with a 42 year old.
But I've been catfished.
Men don't use recent pics
One guy messaged calling me a cunt because I wouldn't send a pic in stockings
Another left a Google review of the date venue slating me because I said no to a second date
I've been stood up
A lot of men just want wank fodder and sex talk .
I've found it disappointing.

My friend met a nice bloke on a paid-for dating site. She reckoned it weeded out the chancers and timewasters if you had to pay! Can't remember which one sorry - might have been Elite Singles

I think if you know that a) you won't emotionally invest loads very quickly and b) you will leave at the first sign of trouble, you're safe. You won't get hurt much if you get 'ghosted', and you won't have any more bad relationships.

It's got nothing to do with 'who's out there' or 'how you might be treated'. It's all about how you deal with what you're dealt.

@DisappearingGirl - I definitely wouldn't use a completely free dating site, I can just imagine the kind of pondlife on those...

@stealthninjamum - I joined Meetups before COVID, actually - perfect timing! I guess I'll have another look there, see what has started up again now the restrictions are almost all gone (I'm not in the UK).

Don't do OLD looking for a LTR and if your self-esteem is low then definitely don't do OLD for sex. Do OLD just to... go on dates. To put yourself out there and interact with men outside of the 'meetup/group activity environment. Limit online messaging as much as possible. Just exchange a message or two max with some different people (not 'your type') whose profiles suggest you'd enjoy having a drink and a chat with them. Don't base it on looks or the wittiness of the banter etc as you are guaranteed to be disappointed. Just base it on - do I think I would enjoy a non-romantic drink in this person's company? Then ask them if they'd like to go for a drink and a chat in person because you're just looking to meet interesting new people for a drink at this stage.

Limit the amount of time you spend on this to whatever amount doesn't infringe on your normal group activities and interaction with friends/family etc. If you can have a separate SIM/cheap PAYG phone or something with a different number for OLD communication all the better - definitely have a different email. Don't let it encroach on normal life and that will help you have very firm boundaries which is important if your self-esteem is vulnerable.

You will not want to meet up with everyone or see everyone you do meet for a second time. You don't know them at all but something didn't click. That's fine. And you remember that when the reverse happens. They don't know you - don't take it as a personal rejection.