Partner degraded me after sex

[yogibear0]

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

You poor thing. He's an abusive arsehole. Please get help and try to leave you do not deserve to be treated that way and that is not what all men want

Oh god
This is abuse
Nasty bastard
honestly you need to leave him ,he is not going to change

It sounds like he has worn you down over a long time, please don't feel this is your fault in any way at all. You do not have to like anal or any other sex act , it will never make you less of a woman saying no , I do worry for you that he will get so angry and force you to continue against your wishes.
It's easy to say leave , take the kids but in reality finances etc play a huge part in this and your and the kids safety must always be paramount.
Please if you can , could you call womens aid , they will support and help you to leave if that's what you decide , and plan how to leave as safely as possible.
You deserve a better life where you don't feel you need to live up to someone's sexual demands x
For context I was in this situation for 4 years , I do have damage but I promise you that being alone is so much better than the alternative xx

@PearPickingPorky

This is just silly. Women have anuses, so do men, unless oral is also unthinkable because gay men do that.

Men have a prostate, women do not. Hence gay men having anal sex is more likely to be pleasurable for both parties, whereas for women, it's usually not enjoyable, and very often painful and uncomfortable.

Literally nobody denies that it's uncomfortable when a man forces his dry penis inside you. How does that make it gay/unthinkable? Plenty of people don't enjoy oral, and men have mouths.

Just an irrelevant comment to make about attitudes in the past. That has no bearing on what this thread is about (sexual abuse), whether some heterosexual people do anal

This is awful and is most definitely NOT your fault.

It is abuse. Please let that sink in.

Blaming you is wrong. Saying 'all other women like it' is wrong. Denying you contraception is wrong.

As others have said, please get in touch with Women'd Aid.

I feel very angry for you

He’s sexually abusing you OP. Coercing you into sexual activity you don’t want is rape. Please please get some help and support from Mumsaid you don’t deserve this.
He is degrading you and abusing you. You don’t have to live like this.

My husband and I tried anal once as we were both curious. I didn’t like it. Made it clear. He has NEVER tried to get me to do it again. This man is abusive and a dick head. You don’t like it and he should respect that. Don’t ever feel like you shouldn’t have boundaries.

@PearPickingPorky

I don’t actually like it myself. You’re so full of assumptions not to mention narrow and parochial attitudes towards sex
👍

Just had a similar experience with a guy I’m dating. Complained about condoms, tried to (and did) do it without even though I’ve explained not to. Made me choke and vomit being aggressive with oral. I’m dumping him obviously. Thought it would get better after trying to explain but it got worse instead. What’s with these men? They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. The only response to that is to end it. But I’m surprised if this is the first abusive thing he’s done? It doesn’t normally go down that way?

@yogibear0

I basically feel like I need to act like a pornstar rather than his partner. It's not real or enjoyable to me

Very few women actually enjoy anal. he speaking rubbish and yes, he seems to want a porn star not an actual real human partner with feelings.

It's not your fault, it's 100% him. If I was you, I'd be planning my exit from the relationship.

Its time to draw a line op and show him how furious you are. Pack his bag and tell him you deserve better than to be treated like a prostitute

Absolutely NEVER would a straight man attempt that or even want to. It was unthinkable.

This is just silly. Women have anuses, so do men

@cinci The poster was talking about the past. Anal sex wasn't as common as it is now. By the 90s at least, some men thought it was a 'dirty' and exciting thing to do to a woman. But I still met one who when it happened to be mentioned, said 'no, that's gay.' I was really suprised.

I think it's time he left.

You're totally normal to feel the way you do. He's a bully. A sexual bully

How dare he treat you that way

I really couldn't contemplate having sex with a man who behaved like this. The sulking and trying to gaslight you into thinking you're abnormal would be the final straw.

Don't lose your confidence - be absolutely 100% confident that it is not you who is in the wrong. Tell him to go and fulfil his porn fantasies somewhere else and never come back.

He is a PRICK!!! Absolutely nothing is wrong with you/ your fault. Many women do not have anal sex. I am shocked he 'won't let you take contraceptive' I wouldn't be having sex with him again.

Does he have any redeeming qualities? What positive does he bring to your life?

It's not you it's him. He's an abusive rapist, trying to have sex with you in ways you do not consent to. Get rid before he gets you pregnant.
I bet with this attitude he's crap in many other ways too. You could have a partner who cares, supports and pleasures you OR you could be on your own without anyone tearing you down.

OP to echo everyone here this is most definitely sexual abuse and mental abuse.
He is trying to force you into an act by every way he can, verbally abusing you.
He is trying to stop you leaving by making sure you are saddled with so many of his babies that you are under the thumb.

Normal relationships people talk about what they like and don’t like and accept each other’s boundaries. You are not a kill joy. My DH of 25 years has mentioned anal once or twice and I’ve said no and he accepts that.
You must keep saying no and you just get yourself some sort of contraception. Go to a family planning clinic or Gp and explain all of this. You can get help to get out of the relationship and in meantime get a coil or implant to stop pregnancy. Keep insisting on condoms if you keep having sexual activity.

Dear OP, I really feel for you, this is so sad and unacceptable. Please call Women’s Aid, you need help to get out of this abusive relationship.

Rape crisis have some useful information. Please read it, as it is very clear on what constitutes consent.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-rape/

It's scary to confront the fact that you are being abused. Understanding where the law stands on this can help you see through all the fog. Don't blame yourself (he will try and manipulate you into this). Take advice from the experts (women's aid or similar) if you decide you want to leave so that you can do so safely.

Oh no OP, he is abusing you, and in the most disgusting and devious ways!
I have NEVER done anal nor wanted it. The very thought disgusts me so any requests have always been firmly rejected. A man who has any regard for you whatsoever, will accept your refusal and let it drop! It is a lie that all women do it! Not only do they not and I blame easy access to porn.
Sex in loving relationships, especially marriage is supposed to be a mutual, loving giving to each other. Love NEVER tries to pressure coerce nor force the other to do anything they feel uncomfortable and it sure as heck NEVER tries to degrade!!
Your "man" is treating you not as a human being who is also beloved by him, but a mere THING, a toy. Worse actually because I bet he takes more care of his gadgets than he does of you! He is a filthy, abusive pig and you must leave him or kick him out. For your own sake and that of your DC, because they will sense your misery and his cruelty even if they don't see or hear it and it will damage them!
Talk to Women's Aid the first chance you get to talk freely and they will advise you on how to go about getting this monster out of yours and your DC's lives! If he tries to coerce you into any sexual thing again, that's now a crime! You can report him if you feel able. Not easy I know but you could! Don't give in to him ever again for any sort of sex because his the possible consequences could be far worse than just tantrums and insults! Preserve your dignity! Meanwhile, is there somewhere you could take your DC and stay?
I'm so sorry OP! Women's Aid, soon as you can!

@opalescent
Whilst I agree that we are dealing with a tidal wave of violent and degrading porn (and its effect on the sexual ideology of men)- none of that explains or excuses the cruelty and contempt with which OPs husband has spoken to her. Words designed to humiliate, body shaming, and a sense of entitlement to her body.

Unfortunately, the tidal wave of violent and degrading porn and its effect on sexual ideology of men, is EXACTLY what explains OP's husband's cruelty/ contempt/humiliation/ male entitlement. Much porn features and promotes sado-masochistic humiliation, hurting, sexual control, entitlement, forced sex etc.

A whole generation of youngsters are growing up believing the SM porn they've seen on screen represents the sexual behaviours and practises they'll be expected to perform or permit. :-((((

This is all awful but "he doesn't want me on any contraceptive" is chilling. And I suppose he would never consider a vasectomy if he finds condoms so unenjoyable huh.

People are right in that this is far beyond inconsiderate and you're spot on that he wants you to act like a pornstar/object instead of seeing you as a partner who is a mutual participant.

I really, really hope you leave him. What would happen if you refused all intimate stuff with him? he sounds like a rapist frankly :(

What everyone else has said. Your partner is sexually and emotionally abusive.
I have a bloke who is little more than a shag buddy. If he suggests something I don’t want to do, he accepts it immediately, and says he would never want to something we both weren’t enjoying. I say similar to him when I suggest something new. That is what a normal, mutual, respectful sexual relationship looks like.

As an aside, There was a comment on page one that anal is not the problem as it should be ‘nearly painless’ if done right. Ye Gods! How much are women’s boundaries being eroded if they are exhorting each other to see ‘near painless’ sexual practices as acceptable! And that this comment is made to a woman in an abusive relationship! I despair!

@PuddleR1ddle

One of the reasons that I suggested getting contraception sorted out, is because;

. This is something that Op can control herself

. It may take time to stand up to her SO to say NO or to end the relationship. In the meantime, she would have some protection

. She could report the sexual abuse at the same time, so that there is a note on her medical records

I said the same thing forcthe same reasons.

He's a sexual controller.
This is sexual abuse.
You need to leave this abusive prick.