Partner degraded me after sex

[yogibear0]

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

Not normal AT ALL. Anal is common in porn NOT everyday couple life. Plenty of people in healthy relationships that don't and won't do that. Why is he intent on it? Has he always asked or is it a recent thing? The comment inferring all women do it suggests he watches porn. Or he's had it with someone else of late.

Though that aside the way he treated you is so utterly disrespectful. I don't honestly know how you would get past that. He's only concerned with his wants; that's no partnership. I couldn't be in that kind of relationship. I respect myself and deserve better. He'd be out the door. I don't think there's any coming back from that.

Read back your post and imagine this was your friend telling you this. What would your advice be?
I’m betting you would tell her to leave. This is why you must do. Your partner is abusing you.

Thank God I am 50. I had several boyfriend's before meeting dh. Not one of them ever mentioned anal. DH and I have been together 30 years and managed to have a full and fulfilling sex life despite never even attempting anal sex. It's not something I even want to try once, thanks.

Easily available video porn and "no shame" sex Ed has a lot to answer for. It's fine if you truly want to have anal sex - though I gather most women don't enjoy it much. However it most certainly isn't something that everyone does or should try or something that means you are frigid if you don't want it.

Most importantly, sulking and yelling about your partner wanting some control over her own body, and how she gives and receives pleasure with it, is abusive. Just like if you wanted to peg him and he wasn't keen.

*He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.

the silent treatment.

he doesn't want me on any contraceptive

whatever confidence I had is definitely now gone*

I'm sorry very sorry that you are going through this @yogibear0 As the others have said, this is textbook abuse, sexual, physical and emotional.

It's not you, it's him.

Its a lot easier to spot it in someone else's life than to do something about it, when you are being abused. There is some help available

www.womensaid.org.uk

It will also very difficult for you to accept that what you have described here, so far from being 'normal' is actually considered textbook abuse. That is a crime and one of the few for which the 'victim' can still get legal aid.

Many abusers rely on the victim keeping quiet about abuse because they feel shame. It is very significant that he is trying to convince you that what he wants is 'normal' whereas it is in fact, in the UK and elsewhere, a crime to continue with any kind of sexual penetration without clear consent.

It might seem difficult, almost impossible for you, to start to tell people about what is happening to you. One of the most powerful counter measures is the oxygen of the truth. The link to Women's aid above will put you in touch with roper who can help you in this horrible situation.

Do you have any friends and/or family who could listen to you without judgement ? Anyone you can tell will help you build back that self esteem and self confidence that he has been eroding on purpose.

It might also be helpful for you to understand how abusers go about their business. Try the Lindy Bancroft book

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You can get away from this dreadful man. Get your 'ducks in a row' to plan your next steps. All the very best.

I've only read the first post but seriously WTF is it with all these men wanting anal? I've never done anal, never even tried it and I never will, because I have zero desire to do it. There's nothing wrong with me OP, I'm totally normal and so are you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

@PurpleToeNail

"Women in porn films have local anaesthetic injections, so they don’t feel it." Omg really?

No, they don't.

However there are numbing lubes that are used in some cases, and muscle relaxers.

If you JUST numbed the area, you'd end up with someone seriously injured and bleeding and that wouldn't make for good porn (or.. would be very dubious porn indeed probably illegal).

OP - it really doesn't matter if every woman on the planet but you, was doing anal every day of the week - YOU don't like it, YOU don't want to, so the answer is no and thats perfectly fine.

If he does not like that answer and can't live without anal sex, then he needs to piss off and find someone who does like it.

He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
You shouldn’t have declined.
You should have started and then gave his shrivelled little prawn cock an Indian burn or ripped the fucking thing out by the root.

Please seek help as others have said, this is abuse and you don’t deserve this.

Anal can be near painless if you plan and do it properly

@cinci your persistence in continuing to bang the drum for receiving anal is something to behold but irrelevant since OP said she doesn't want it.

I don't want sex to be near painless, I want it to be completely painless and that is totally possible unless you like pain which is a different kettle of fish.

I've been doing sex properly for some time now and though I wouldn't claim to be an expert I'm quite good at it now and know what I want.

My level of planning is somewhere warm and comfortable. I don't insist on sex in a soundproofed box but I would rather people didn't overhear me. And contraception which is another thing OP has said her husband doesn't want.

I realise not everyone is the same as me but they are also not the same as you, are they?

I can't believe what I have read it is so shocking.

He is completely abusive.

He is controlling your choice of contraceptive?

Please contact Women's aid and your GP.

He is an abusive pig.

You poor woman.

Who ARE these posters who are conspicuously, spectacularly, perhaps deliberately?? missing the point about anal sex.

The OP HASN’T come on here to receive tips a la Cosmpolitan but to find out whether her reaction towards her “partner” coercing her into anal sex is shared by other women. It is, largely, but please stop with the boundaries-pushing tips about anal sex. She doesn’t want it from him and I suspect she doesn’t want it from you, either.

"He doesnt want me on any contraceptive"

What now???

You do know that is absolutely NOT his choice to make don't you?

@limitedperiodonly

Anal can be near painless if you plan and do it properly

@cinci your persistence in continuing to bang the drum for receiving anal is something to behold but irrelevant since OP said she doesn't want it.

I don't want sex to be near painless, I want it to be completely painless and that is totally possible unless you like pain which is a different kettle of fish.

I've been doing sex properly for some time now and though I wouldn't claim to be an expert I'm quite good at it now and know what I want.

My level of planning is somewhere warm and comfortable. I don't insist on sex in a soundproofed box but I would rather people didn't overhear me. And contraception which is another thing OP has said her husband doesn't want.

I realise not everyone is the same as me but they are also not the same as you, are they?

Erm ok @limitedperiodonly

This isn't GCSE English. My one and only point is it HURT be because it's ABUSE and he doesn't care about her feelings etc. I don't care for anyone's personal opinions on anal sex, of course it's not for everyone, I don't care what you do in your sex life.

People love to nitpick everything on social media, bloody hell.

He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it

There is nothing wrong with you op, but there is everything wrong with him and for his information not every bloody woman likes anal, far from it. Your likes or dislikes are totally valid and he sounds like an asshole for not respecting you.

YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO.

Tell him don't go near my arse I DONT CONSENT TO ANAL. END OF. It's your body. Your choice. I think he is abusive. Sometimes we do see things ourself because they start subtle and then get worse. I think you need to discuss this with a professional.

On another topic, if you want to use contraceptives then get a gp appointment. Again it's your body and your choice. I think getting you pregnant is a control thing. It ties you to him even more.

This is really awful - I'm sorry you're going through this.

My ex really pressured me to try anal and I tried it once. It was awful. Never again. Didn't even get all the way in.

My friend who also succumbed to pressure from her ex has terrible incontinence issues now. Shat herself at a wedding at the top table.

He’s a prize cunt who watches too much porn
Not every woman does it, and even if they did why should you be manipulated into it?
He’s forcing you to hurt yourself, he has no problem hurting you as long as he gets his kicks.
Honestly, This is abuse

I can see it's been said already a lot of times but just want to add another voice to the general chorus... no part of this is normal. It is absolutely abuse and you deserve better. I really hope you get the help you need to get out of this situation x

Oh OP you need to leave him. I'm so sorry but he's not a nice person, he's abusive and his behaviour is not only disgusting but extremely abusive.
Good luck x

Awful, awful behaviour op I am so sorry.

Not a single person on this planet who truly loves someone would treat them like that. Not one. Please listen to the other posters Op this is hands down abuse and it's nasty.

@StopStartStop

I didn't. You haven't read carefully.

I did.

And I agree with every word you wrote.

I had a number of relationships before I married and NOT ONCE was it suggested.

Before internet porn it was in very seedy porn movies as something extreme.
Things have changed and not for the better.

The only time I’ve ever been asked for it was in the 80s by a guy who’d lived in the Far East and I suspect used sex workers. He took it very badly when I refused and I dumped him.

He’s abusive.
You need to leave. This will get worse.
Some women like anal, some women like oral, it’s ok to not like certain things.
No partner should make you, by force or coercion ( by stropping) to do things you don’t want to do.
Leave.

He needs to learn that a man's automatic and given right to 'enjoy' his partner's body whenever he felt like it came to an end with the Marital Rape laws in 1992!! He is actually breaking the law when he does this to you, let alone the abusive, coercive, misogynistic crap he is subjecting you to. Please get advice - financial, legal and emotional because nobody should have to endure this. he has no respect for you. He doesn't care as long as he gets what he wants and then tries to guilt you with truly fatuous statements that 'most women love it and do it'! It is another take on the old 'if you loved me you would let me have sex with you' line that men use to pressure their women. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better.

@OnoNotagain

I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms

Sorry ... what!!?? What has what he wants got to with anything? Your body, your choices. Get yourself on the pill if you don't want any more kids, and then consider dumping this abusive git!

Not the pill, too easy for him to find and withhold/ throw away. OP as others have said you need a type of contraception that he can’t interfere with, like a longterm implant or a coil. Please see your GP asap, or contact your local family planning dept, or speak to your health visitor if you are still in contact.

His behaviour is disgusting. I understand you have young children and feel vunerable but please think hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this abusive man.

Well, what a prince among men you have there. Your instinct not to have any more children with him is a good one. Do you want your children to be influenced by his self-centred misogynistic attitude? What @EvilPea said - his ideas about sex and what is ‘normal’ have been derived from too much porn. If you dislike a sexual act, don’t do it and don’t let anyone tell you your preferences are wrong.