Partner degraded me after sex

[yogibear0]

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

My ex husband repeatedly pressured me to have anal sex when he knew I didn’t like it. He’d go in the huff when I said no and made comments about my vagina being too big after giving birth to our two kids which made me feel so degraded and awful about myself. I will never, ever have anal sex again and any man who tries to pressure me will be swiftly dumped.
I’ve discussed this with female friends and not one enjoys anal sex. Some refuse to do it and others solely go along with it to appease their partners. I think there’s a small percentage of women who enjoy it but it’s a very small percentage and porn has caused men to believe it’s ‘normal and something most women want’ when they don’t.
This is irrelevant though. He’s abusing you and the only way you’re going to get him to stop is by ending the relationship. He doesn’t respect you. Please phone Womens Aid for advice and support.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@apricotlane

What’s the significant danger to the body? Lots of people do do it and don’t sustain injuries[/quote]
It causes tearing and anal incontinence.

I remember reading something in a medical journal about how GPs were seeing so many teenage girls with anal incontinence as a result of anal sex.

(Incidentally, a study of anal sex in teenagers also found that every girl who had had anal sex had either been coerced into anal, or outright raped. And that the boys thought having to pressurise, trick or rape girls anally was entirely standard behaviour. bmjopen.bmj.com/content/4/8/e004996)

This is not OK. He is abusive and controlling, he won’t let you take contraception but doesn’t want to wear a condom.

I think some people are being a bit harsh to OP , almost acting like it's her fault for being abused "FFS OP!" I find it really hard how people on MN criticise victims for not getting away or standing up for themselves, calling them martyrs and stuff. You're trying to help but just think about how someone who already feels like a failure is going to feel about your criticisms.

@Time40 telling her to refuse sex or run away with her kids when she's being g coerced and bullied by a man who I'm fairly sure would have no problem taking by force what she refused to give him is a huge ask. Telling her she can pop into her gp for a 5 minute appointment and be protected from getting pregnant again and he won't ever know it a small thing she can do to protect herself.

Just FYI I’ve never had anal so what he says is utter bollocks. Does he know every woman in the world? So exactly how does he get to declare “every woman does it”?
He’s a liar
He’s an abuser
You are being abused
It is NOT you who is the problem, it is him.
He doesn’t want you on contraception? What the actual fuck? This is horrific. No other relationship works like this.
You are normal, he isn’t.
You can get out of this.

This is abuse and you need to adopt some form of contraception yourself now, because if you're not careful he'll get you pregnant with a third child and keep you even more firmly at home and under his thumb.

Please promise to go to your local clinic or GP in the next few days and explore what contraception would work best for you. You need to get away from this man asap.

All the idiots asking why you're letting yourself be abused have obviously never been in an abusive relationship.

No what he's doing isn't normal and there's help out there for you to leave. Try women's aid. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? A friend or a sister?

He's abusive you need to leave this arsehole!

Get on hormonal contraception it's not up to him what you use. But ideally yea you're best off out of this relationship asap

It also sounds like he has absolutely no clue how to do anal anyway which would make it even more risky and painful than it need be - though I would not mention or discuss this with him!

Just get out asap

I strongly suspect this man is abusive and controlling in other ways too.

What is your situation regards housing and money?

Find YOUR anger, find your strength - it's there! And use it to leave this relationship.

Contact women's aid or similar - and don't be embarrassed they've heard all this and worse before unfortunately. You need to get out safely as soon as at all possible

One of the reasons that I suggested getting contraception sorted out, is because;

. This is something that Op can control herself

. It may take time to stand up to her SO to say NO or to end the relationship. In the meantime, she would have some protection

. She could report the sexual abuse at the same time, so that there is a note on her medical records

@PearPickingPorky

There you go then… anal sex when not done right causes problems. Totally agree. Anal sex when done well ie lots of lube, foreplay, done with skill and pacing etc will likely not cause damage to either a male or female rectum/anus

He is an evil creep op get away from him for good, this is not the behaviour of a nice man.

Absolutely NEVER would a straight man attempt that or even want to. It was unthinkable.

This is just silly. Women have anuses, so do men, unless oral is also unthinkable because gay men do that. The problem is force. It's very common for men to pretend to slip it in and coerce women/girls, or use words like prude to manipulate. Not whether or not anal is an acceptable act to you personally.

OP so sorry this his happening to you. His behaviour is vile. Have to agree with pps that the situation sounds irredeemable.

That said, there will be reasons why you haven't got out yet; don't let the why-are-you-putting-up -with-this type posters put you on the spot. Take your time, make a plan, find IRL support, confront him and/or get out when you're ready.

How many years have you been putting up with giving anal when you don’t want it? Resolve from now he doesn’t get to touch you ever again

Abuse has a way of destroying confidence and sense of self.

As others said, it wouldn't matter if it was everyone but you, if you don't like it, you don't like it. To add to that - his absolutes are bullshit. Last I read, it was something like 2-4% of women have being anally penetrated as a regular part of their sex life. It'll likely be higher now as that survey was like a decade or so ago and that expectation has changed, but it's not going to be a majority, let alone everyone, much like only a minority of men have anal penetration as part of their regular sex life. He's using guilt as part of abusing you into doing what he wants.

As others said, you need a less detectable form of contraception. Reproductive coercion, trying to control your birth control and trying to have sex without it that you don't want, is also abuse and a risk to your health & wellbeing.

Time40 telling her to refuse sex or run away with her kids when she's being g coerced and bullied by a man who I'm fairly sure would have no problem taking by force what she refused to give him is a huge ask. Telling her she can pop into her gp for a 5 minute appointment and be protected from getting pregnant again and he won't ever know it a small thing she can do to protect herself

Yes, I agree.

i dont know a single woman who likes anal, everyone ive ever spoken to about that stuff has said anal was gross and blowjobs was a special maybe on a good day for them but not exactly a loving it moment

every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it

That is total bullshit.

OP he's an abusive monster. His actions are abhorrent but importantly they are NOTHING to do with anything you are or anything you've done.

If this is who he is he would act the same way with anyone (my sex pest EXH went on to sex pest his next girlfriend, absolute shocker).

I'm afraid it's very unlikely that he will ever miraculously change. In my experience if anything they get worse over time.

I would seriously consider leaving him, and (if you want to) finding a decent man with a decent and respectful attitude to his partner and to sex. They exist.

Just to add, far from every Woman does anal. I don't. I never have and I never will. My partner knows and respects that and has never asked nor so much as suggested it, despite it being something he's done in the past.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@PearPickingPorky

There you go then… anal sex when not done right causes problems. Totally agree. Anal sex when done well ie lots of lube, foreplay, done with skill and pacing etc will likely not cause damage to either a male or female rectum/anus[/quote]
Maybe it can be done without causing injuries to women. But I'd say that's a pretty low bar for expectations of a sex act, tbh.

Women still lack a prostate to stimulate too, so women are even less likely to enjoy it and find it pleasurable.

Glad you like it though👍

LTB. He is vile.

This is just silly. Women have anuses, so do men, unless oral is also unthinkable because gay men do that.

Men have a prostate, women do not. Hence gay men having anal sex is more likely to be pleasurable for both parties, whereas for women, it's usually not enjoyable, and very often painful and uncomfortable.

What are your plans, op? Have you looked up women's aid and making plans to contact them?
Please tell us you're leaving the bastard. You and your children don't need to suffer this man.

Apologies if someone has already said this; there are so many responses... I have not read everything in the thread.

It sounds like he is in the edge of forcing you to have sex without a condom. Please know that if he does this, or slips the condom off without your permission, this would be considered to be rape.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-57618003.amp

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The many suggestions that you seek help from women's aid are good. Likewise, your GP might be able to point you in the direction of good local support

@PearPickingPorky absolutely. Obvs can’t talk for all women but I tried it once, never again. Partly pain, partly can’t really get past the yuck factor. Quite happy to give oral sex though.