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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner degraded me after sex

388 replies

yogibear0 · 18/04/2022 11:50

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 18/04/2022 14:08

@StopStartStop

FFS, OP!

You are being sexually abused. You're being coerced into having sex you don't want, and then into having anal sex which you definitely don't want and which is painful for you. That is abuse and you need out of there, fast.

Let me tell you something, as an old woman who doesn't give a fuck. Anal isn't normal. OK, some women might like it - I don't give two hoots. Mrs Average (and that includes me) doesn't want any man's dick up her arse. Ever. Not to please him, not to be cool, not to experiment - no. And 'No' is ok, and should be listened to and respected. If men want anal, let them do it with each other. I wish we could have a famous woman speak out about this as JKR has about women's rights. 'Respectful sex and no round the back, boyo'. Doesn't quite have the same right as 'Respect my sex if you want my X', I'll work on it.

He won't use a condom when you want one? Abuse.

He makes you feel demeaned after sex? That's abuse too. Leave.

STOP having sex with this man. Forever. Get out. Heal (your poor arse and) gradually, your self-esteem. Get out. If my dd said she was experiencing that, I'd have her out of there that day. Look after yourself. Go.

@StopStartStop

Think you’re making a sweeping statement there. You cannot speak for all women. Anal is normal, just another way of having sex that some men and women enjoy.

StopStartStop · 18/04/2022 14:10

I didn't. You haven't read carefully.

me4real · 18/04/2022 14:12

Anal's something a lot of women might try once or twice, partly because they feel they should or through pressure from men, and decide it's not for them at all.

I was told that if I didn't want to try it 'that means you're repressed' by one guy. That was even before it started being as fashionable as it is now due to porn.)

I tried it a lot but then went completely off it, it makes me feel unsexy.

I'm not denying some people might like it. But many don't.

Dancer47 · 18/04/2022 14:12

Every woman does NOT do it - Every woman is being pressurised into it because of the hard core porn boys and men are watching.
Check out what it does to your body long-term by the way, to let a men do that you on the regular.
As for your husband, he is absolutely fucking trash, and the cunt should be packing and leaving TODAY.

Time40 · 18/04/2022 14:12

My confidence or whatever confidence I had is definitely now gone

Yes, because being abused does destroy people's confidence. You are definitely being abused, OP. Please leave him, as soon as possible. He's vile. Good luck, OP - I hope you do manage to leave.

(I can't believe all the people telling the OP to get on better contraception - the OP ought to be resolving never to have sex with this abuser again.)

Didimum · 18/04/2022 14:12

This was painfully sad to read, OP. Never have I read on here such an awful experience. You are married to a vile piece of shit. You must leave him.

IggysPop · 18/04/2022 14:13

Never done it. I have always said ‘no’ and that’s been the end of the conversation.

As for contraception - what’s his reason for that then? Not that he gets a say in it AT ALL. And if he doesn’t like condoms and doesn’t want you on contraception, when is his vasectomy booked for?

apricotlane · 18/04/2022 14:14

@LuckySantangelo35 There is no way to do it without significant danger to the body. A normal deviance of humans does not make it desirable and certainly we need more information about how this cultural normalising impacts people physically and emotionally.

EwwSprouts · 18/04/2022 14:14

Your body your choice. Whether it's to have sex, not have sex and for goodness sake use some contraception you're responsible for because he isn't trustworthy.

ManateeFair · 18/04/2022 14:15

This is sexual and emotional abuse, OP, and you need to get away from this man now.

Anal sex isn’t something all (or even most) women enjoy. Plenty of men aren’t into it either. But that isn’t even relevant. Nobody, NOBODY, should be making you do anything in bed that you don’t want to do. Ever.

Your husband is an abuser. He doesn’t respect you or love you. Please, please speak to Women’s Aid about this before things get worse than they are.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/04/2022 14:15

@apricotlane

What’s the significant danger to the body? Lots of people do do it and don’t sustain injuries

bonfireheart · 18/04/2022 14:16

I felt physically sick reading this. Your husband is awful and you need to get yourself and your children away from him. His behaviour will only escalate.

me4real · 18/04/2022 14:17

(I can't believe all the people telling the OP to get on better contraception - the OP ought to be resolving never to have sex with this abuser again.)

@Time40 Yes, but she's been coerced into sex numerous times and he puts the pressure on all the time. So she could go on something as a precaution as she plans to leave (unless she can leave today I suppose.)

He could even easily go full-on rapist; if he hasn't already. And he wouldn't use a condom for that. Plus as a PP said 'stealthing' (stealth rape) is a thing- I've had it happen with two different men.

daisychain01 · 18/04/2022 14:17

He needs to ask himself how he'd like it if he had something shoved up his rear-end against his will.

He's a disgraceful vile specimen, and you deserve better OP. Don't doubt yourself, if it doesn't feel right or good for you then it really isn't.

CoraPearl · 18/04/2022 14:18

@LuckySantangelo35 Anal being normal is irrelevant, as is the OP’s husband saying others enjoy it. The OP does not enjoy it and her husband should respect this and not try to coerce into doing something she does not want to do.

SuzyQ12 · 18/04/2022 14:18

This is not normal, OP. It's abuse. Sexual assault. You deserve so much better.

YourWinter · 18/04/2022 14:20

All women do NOT do anal. Porn gives men stupid ideas.

He’s vile OP and he should never make you feel bad for not performing for him. I doubt your relationship has a future.

TolkiensFallow · 18/04/2022 14:21

No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him. His behaviour is vile and abusive.

1forAll74 · 18/04/2022 14:22

Not just abusive, he sounds like some kind of animal regarding sex. All his way, or else nothing but bad moods and sulking. Just an emotionless , selfish and awful individual.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/04/2022 14:22

Just echoing what everyone else had said. He's an abusive, rapey bastard and I'm not surprised your confidence has taken a pounding.

Thanks
LuckySantangelo35 · 18/04/2022 14:23

[quote CoraPearl]@LuckySantangelo35 Anal being normal is irrelevant, as is the OP’s husband saying others enjoy it. The OP does not enjoy it and her husband should respect this and not try to coerce into doing something she does not want to do.[/quote]
@CoraPearl

I’m aware that this isn’t the focus of the thread, thank you.
Just curious as to some posters declaring that no woman wants anal, that it’s abnormal and causes a danger.

Time40 · 18/04/2022 14:24

He could even easily go full-on rapist

God, yes. Good point, Me4real.

Dancer47 · 18/04/2022 14:25

@ScrollingLeaves

No it is not normal at all, any of it.

By the way, I am older than you. When I was young no one was ever expected to ‘have anal’ sex. It has all come from porn.

^^^^This^^ Absolutely NEVER would a straight man attempt that or even want to. It was unthinkable. Now, it's men and boys trying to force and guilt women into acting out their porn fantasies and making them think porn is normal and real - it is neither normal nor real, and porn actresses have all kinds of anasthetic creams and injections for the sadistic sex they are put through. I have met many of them SAY NO.
Norgie · 18/04/2022 14:27

So your DH would be happy for you to don a strap on and ram it up his arse whenever you felt like it would he?
What's happening here is that you're being degraded sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically.
His level of respect for you is on the same level he displays for porn stars.....none existent!
Not all women enjoy or permit anal sex, I don't and I wouldn't. My DH happily accepts this because my feelings are important to him and he respects me.
You need to seriously consider leaving him. I understand that you might feel like you don't have the confidence to do so, but it's not as frightening as you think, as many women will testify.
It's time to put yourself and your own needs first and and above anything else.
Contact women's aid for advice. Good luck.

BellePeppa · 18/04/2022 14:29

@stripeyflowers

Find your anger. OP.

How dare any man treat you like this, never mind the very one that is supposed to love and respect you. Instead he wants you to just shut up and let him use you as a sex toy in any way he chooses. You could get more kindness from a random stranger on the street. I don't have words for how despicable this is.

Totally agree with this!