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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not all men are bad!.. wanted to share!

120 replies

chipchops · 17/04/2022 03:01

I spent 3 years in a toxic relationship, full of guilt tripping, manipulation and always being made to feel small. I honestly thought I’d never get out, or find anyone half decent.

Fast forward and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. It’s all been so foreign to me and I do sometimes self sabotage as I half expect it to go wrong.

I was due to pick him up late tonight as he went out with his friends but somehow I ended up falling asleep and not hearing any alarm I set. I woke up at 2am to 5 missed calls and 5 texts. This set my panic mode off as I instantly thought he would be livid.

Instead the texts said “I’ll stay at Xs (his friend), don’t worry” “I hope you’re okay, let me know that you’re okay” and “night I love you”.

I called him at 2am in a panic, apologising over and over. He kept saying “it’s okay beautiful it’s not the end of the world”, “just come get me first thing, get some rest”, “I love you don’t beat yourself up, I’m just glad you’re okay”

It honestly actually feels so SO strange to me not being made to feel small, had a go at, anything. It’s almost as if I don’t believe a relationship could be so good or healthy. I don’t understand how he’s not livid at me.

Anyone who thinks it can’t get better or there’s no decent men out there I promise they’re out there!! Flowers

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 17/04/2022 03:23

Sorry but your bar is set far too low. You set an alarm to pick him up from a late night out? And he said 'don't worry, come and pick me up first thing in the morning'.
If it works for you then fine. But I don't think you'll have everyone beating at the door to congratulate you on finding an incredible specimen.
I'm glad though that this is better than your previous.

Original poster
chipchops · 17/04/2022 03:28

Okay sorry, I just wanted to share as I think most people would’ve at least been a bit annoyed. I was expected to pick him up and I didn’t show up as I fell asleep. Was just making a point that he didn’t get even a bit annoyed even though I messed up

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 17/04/2022 03:37

Do you speak to anyone? It’s not normal to panic and apologise repeatedly over a mistake when you’re doing someone a favour. You don’t want to set your bar too low and accept slightly rubbish because you had really awful before!

But yeah he sounds okay. I mean (for me at least) picking someone up at 2am would be a big favour to ask and I would likely fall asleep because it’s the middle of the night.

Onthedunes · 17/04/2022 03:38

Expecting you to pick him up from a lads night out is not what I'd call very chivalrous.

Get a taxi.

Original poster
chipchops · 17/04/2022 03:38

Well we had set the expectation for me to pick him up at midnight and I left him hanging

OP posts:
Flickflak · 17/04/2022 03:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

metalkprettyoneday · 17/04/2022 04:34

I worked with a guy who would get his girlfriend to come out and pick him up at the end of a works night out. I used to think why is he making her do that? It was often really late and she’d probably have to get out of bed. I agree that you are setting the bar too low.
Can’t he get himself home?

MalbecandToast · 17/04/2022 05:04

Sorry OP but I'm with the others, I think you've had such an awful time in the past that you see mediocre as wonderful Sad

mythological · 17/04/2022 06:05

@MalbecandToast

Sorry OP but I'm with the others, I think you've had such an awful time in the past that you see mediocre as wonderful Sad
Yeah, shame you feel so happy about him not being irritated at you. 😞
Original poster
chipchops · 17/04/2022 06:07

Sorry all. I didn’t want this to turn into an analysis of whether he should get a taxi. I just wanted to share going from an above relationship to someone nice and how it can feel surprising. Sorry Sad

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 17/04/2022 06:07

Did you offer to pick him up at midnight or did he ask? What happens when you go on nights out together, do you get a taxi home or does he expect you to drive?

RantyAunty · 17/04/2022 06:23

Agree with the bar being too low.
I can't imagine being expected to disturb my sleep or evening to pick up a man after a night out. He can find his own ride home. I hope you haven't moved in together already.

Kanaloa · 17/04/2022 06:26

@Kanaloa

Do you speak to anyone? It’s not normal to panic and apologise repeatedly over a mistake when you’re doing someone a favour. You don’t want to set your bar too low and accept slightly rubbish because you had really awful before!

But yeah he sounds okay. I mean (for me at least) picking someone up at 2am would be a big favour to ask and I would likely fall asleep because it’s the middle of the night.

When I say speak to anyone I mean like to work through your feelings. Often your body leaves an abusive relationship but your mind is still in it. I think everyone who suffers abuse should speak to a professional if they can, it’s worth a lot in rebuilding yourself.
Lady0racle · 17/04/2022 06:32

I have a nice boyfriend. He would never expect me to disturb my sleep by picking him up in the middle of the night. He’s a grown up - he’d sort his own taxi/Uber or arrange to stay over with a friend.

I’m glad you’ve left your abusive relationship. But this guy sounds average at best.

savedbyanalien · 17/04/2022 06:33

I get what you mean OP. My mother is toxic and would kick off at the smallest of mistakes. When I met my now-husband he told me this wasn't a normal mother-daughter relationship and helped me seek counselling for a lot of childhood trauma.

But that's not to say that your boyfriend asking you to stay up late and pick you up from a party is acceptable either. I'd never do this, unless I offered it?! Even if I offered to do something like this my husband would turn me down and say he'd get a taxi...

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 17/04/2022 06:34

We don’t know the circumstances here
Op may have offered to pick him up, it’s a nice thing to offer to do.
It’s also normal to apologise when you let someone down - ok not repeatedly but still an apology is standard.
He sounds lovely op, you’re right - there are some lovely men out there - we usually are quick to moan about the negatives and not as quick to speak about the positives.
I hope you both have a lovely day after you pick him up this morning.

YerAWizardHarry01 · 17/04/2022 06:35

@chipchops

Sorry all. I didn’t want this to turn into an analysis of whether he should get a taxi. I just wanted to share going from an above relationship to someone nice and how it can feel surprising. Sorry Sad
I'm happy to pick my partner up so disagree with the other posters. I think his texts were lovely to you, and if the two of you had an agreement you were happy with, to pick him up then anyone else's opinion on it is irrelevant.

Congratulations on going from your old relationship to this one that clearly makes you feel safe and happy x

safetyfreak · 17/04/2022 06:37

Sorry OP, but my lovely, kind fiance would never ask me to pick him up at midnight. I think thats quite cheeky to even ask you!

I am sure your man is nice, but you do still need to be able to stick up for yourself or people will walk over you.

CorsicaDreaming · 17/04/2022 06:40

@chipchops

Sorry all. I didn’t want this to turn into an analysis of whether he should get a taxi. I just wanted to share going from an above relationship to someone nice and how it can feel surprising. Sorry Sad

I get where you're coming from and think he sounds nice.

If I'd offered to pick my DH up late at night and then not done it, I would feel I'd messed up too - and his reaction was really chilled - he sounds good to me.

And it's nice to pick people up / them pick you up. PP are being a bit mean tbh

happinessischocolate · 17/04/2022 06:42

Sorry OP but just because he didn't get annoyed that you didn't pick him up doesn't mean he's perfect.

I've been seeing a guy for 6 months who is very tolerant and lovely in many ways, but it's also come to light this week that he's a liar, who implied in his texts that he's going straight home from work because he's not well when in fact hes been in the pub every night.

AubadeIsIt · 17/04/2022 06:43

If you don't live together, kudos to this gentleman for actually convincing his booty call to come pick him up.
Making yourself available for this kind of shitty favour sends the wrong message, as does the profuse apologising. Please be careful, because the 'come get me first thing' is NOT on. It was a night out with friends, his choice, not a double shift at the hospital. Take a f*cking bus if you can't afford a car or a taxi.

needmorethanthis · 17/04/2022 06:44

Why would you be picking him up? The fact that’s even a thing is troubling. That’s not good, normal or healthy. I think it’s good you’ve posted. You need to be in therapy. I’m saying this kindly. Go to therapy with someone who is skilled in domestic violence and boundary setting. You shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. You are very vulnerable and disregulated.

Original poster
chipchops · 17/04/2022 06:46

Shitty behaviour 😂 I’m sorry but he went on a night out and I offered to pick him up because he lives further out and his friends live near me. I literally told him I’d pick him up at midnight and he then didn’t hear from me.

All I wanted to do was celebrate a small win because I know my ex would’ve screamed and shouted at me. It was nothing to do with whether or not I should pick up. It was just to help those who might be trapped and feel there’s no light. Sorry Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
chipchops · 17/04/2022 06:47

I’m baffled that offering to pick up my boyfriend from a night out (which I don’t always do, by the way) in itself means I need to be in therapy? What on Earth

OP posts:
tackling · 17/04/2022 06:47

Glad you're happy OP Thanks

It must be nice to be with someone you don't have to feel scared of. This is (or should be!) totally normal but can be a real jolt when you're not used to it.