Not all men are bad!.. wanted to share!

[chipchops]

I spent 3 years in a toxic relationship, full of guilt tripping, manipulation and always being made to feel small. I honestly thought I’d never get out, or find anyone half decent.

Fast forward and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. It’s all been so foreign to me and I do sometimes self sabotage as I half expect it to go wrong.

I was due to pick him up late tonight as he went out with his friends but somehow I ended up falling asleep and not hearing any alarm I set. I woke up at 2am to 5 missed calls and 5 texts. This set my panic mode off as I instantly thought he would be livid.

Instead the texts said “I’ll stay at Xs (his friend), don’t worry” “I hope you’re okay, let me know that you’re okay” and “night I love you”.

I called him at 2am in a panic, apologising over and over. He kept saying “it’s okay beautiful it’s not the end of the world”, “just come get me first thing, get some rest”, “I love you don’t beat yourself up, I’m just glad you’re okay”

It honestly actually feels so SO strange to me not being made to feel small, had a go at, anything. It’s almost as if I don’t believe a relationship could be so good or healthy. I don’t understand how he’s not livid at me.

Anyone who thinks it can’t get better or there’s no decent men out there I promise they’re out there!!

I think some people here don't have good relationships at all. It's perfectly normal to offer to pick someone up, me and dh do it all the time because it's helpful and we love each other 🙄. Bloody mumsnet, not sure why so many have such big chips on their shoulders!!

Thank you for posting OP.
It’s nice to hear he was so Chilled. My DH would flip out like you said your ex would.

Maybe he accepted the offer of a lift because he loves the OP and was excited to see her??

I read your opening post and thought it was lovely, OP. Don’t let the thread get you down x

There’s nothing wrong with picking him up after a night out if you’re genuinely happy to do it. I’ve done it when we were younger, usually to save money. I wouldn’t do it now as we can afford the uber. I do still do it for my children, as does my partner, for our own peace of mind.

I do think you sound potentially vulnerable though, you’re so grateful to be treated normally that the wrong person could potentially take advantage of your low bar. Also, be aware, I would say that a good partner that knows you were so tired that you slept through alarms, calls and texts, wouldn’t expect you to pick them up ‘first thing’, they’d say ‘get some sleep, you’re obviously shattered, I’ll make my own way home. It could read as though he’s saying ‘it’s ok...as long as......’ when really it’s just ok and you don’t need to make up for it. You just say ‘shit, sorry, I must have been really tired, did you have a good night though?’

I hope he’s a good man but this situation doesn’t mean he is or he isn’t. I do think you would benefit from some therapy to develop some healthy thought processes around relationships or at least do some reading about it. Feeling so grateful for not being shouted at/someone not being angry at you for something like this isn’t normal and shows that your past relationship has really taken its toll on you.

OP I get you!

In a collaborative relationship it’s OK to pick someone up after a night out (As long as he does the same for you and it’s not all one way traffic) and it’s lovely that he reacted in that way.

I’m glad that you’ve found someone who values you.

Seems odd to me that an act of kindness is interpreted as being a marker of a not great relationship

I do think however that you should EXPECT him not to be angry just because you were unable to because you fell asleep

I don’t know … if someone offered to pick me up at midnight and then I was left hanging and rang them to no answer, I’d be none too pleased to honest! I think his response was kinder than most to be honest.

Surely men can get justifiably annoyed or angry on occasion without being abusive …

@Fedupsotired

I think some people here don't have good relationships at all. It's perfectly normal to offer to pick someone up, me and dh do it all the time because it's helpful and we love each other 🙄. Bloody mumsnet, not sure why so many have such big chips on their shoulders!!

Absolutely normal to offer

BUT

A man accepting the offer from his girlfriend of 7 months to set her alarm, get in her car and drive to pick him up after a night out drinking (presumably not local otherwise surely he’d have just jumped in a cab) - is NOT a “loving” response!

@Nouveaunew

Surely men can get justifiably annoyed or angry on occasion without being abusive …

Anyone can get upset or angry and not be abusive . The question is ….. would it be JUSTIFiABLE to be angry with someone because they fell asleep I’d say no . If someone offered to pick me up and fell asleep I’d assume they were exhausted and needed to sleep and get in a grown up eho can get myself home if needs be

Also the OP was comparing his not getting angry to get x who was apparently an ass

@Littlebylittlelittle
The OP fell asleep before midnight which isn’t that late and missed five calls and texts after promising to pick him up … I don’t think he’d be angry at her for falling asleep but most people would be a little angry/miffed at the person for being unreliable. I agree it’s not a screaming and shouting offence but his response was fairly tame considering IMO.

I don’t like the wording of ‘just pick me up first thing’ if I’m honest but without knowing him, it’s hard to know.

[quote Nouveaunew]@Littlebylittlelittle
The OP fell asleep before midnight which isn’t that late and missed five calls and texts after promising to pick him up … I don’t think he’d be angry at her for falling asleep but most people would be a little angry/miffed at the person for being unreliable. I agree it’s not a screaming and shouting offence but his response was fairly tame considering IMO.[/quote]
Some people might be miffed some might not . I think the point some of us are trying to make us that the bar is pretty low if all a man has to do to be considered great is not be angry . His response was take ? So what , so would mine be . So would many womens be that I know … and yes I’ve been in that situation before
That’s a low bar I think to say a man’s a good guy because he had a tame reaction to not being picked up
It’s five to organise picking each other up
It’s fine to be miffed or not
But come on … can we at least not celebrate men for doing what many many women wouldn’t either.
He may be a good guy he may not , the fact he didn’t get mad doesn’t really tell us
And yes it’s great that the OP is happy but coming from a bad relationship can colour what we see as great

Meant to say - His response as tame ? Mine would be too

[quote Nouveaunew]@Littlebylittlelittle
The OP fell asleep before midnight which isn’t that late and missed five calls and texts after promising to pick him up … I don’t think he’d be angry at her for falling asleep but most people would be a little angry/miffed at the person for being unreliable. I agree it’s not a screaming and shouting offence but his response was fairly tame considering IMO.[/quote]
I guess the question is … does him having a take response make him somehow a great guy or different
Is it now considered standard or expected for most men to rant and rave and when they don’t we praise them for being ‘not the same as most men ‘ ?

Ouch...there's some really not nice responses to this! I understood fully what you were saying! When you're in a toxic relationship, you can end up conditioned to think that the way they treat you is normal. You end up living on eggshells, constantly adjusting your own behaviour, anything to prevent them from blowing up etc. And then when you get into a nice, normal relationship you suddenly realise how abnormal things were previously...but you can still panic and be waiting for the nice normal person to treat you badly as well.

It's just a process of time and healing and allowing yourself to slowly trust again. It's a bit like an abused animal really...if they've been hit all their lives, when someone goes to give them a stroke or a cuddle, they jump and cower away. But eventually they can learn that not every hand which reaches out to them is trying to hurt them.

I applaud your small win! Nothing wrong with offering to pick your boyfriend up at midnight. It was nice thing to do. I would have done the same.

@MostlyOk
I don’t know why anyone said there’s anything wrong with picking him up but yes bad relationships can colour our judgement and it’s important to see that the type of response he had was normal and healthy

@chipchops. Congratulations on leaving an abusive relationship.

I think a offer to collect a partner after a night out is a decent normal one, a nice thing to do.

Some of the posts have been unkind but I think they may have had good intentions. If I had fallen asleep, I would expect a partner to react he same was as your did. No shouting, no abuse, no blame. These things happen.

I think where people are concerned is that you seem so gushy and positive and impressed his reaction when his reaction is only what most of us would consider normal and the minimum standard. It's how couples who respect each other operate on a regular basis. We don't expect anything less.

Given you had such abuse previously it must be a massive relief that he didn't kick off over this but no one ever should and that's the point most are trying to make.

It's a good sign but it is expected that he would treat you like this and it's something that you should be surprised if grateful for.

This may infect be a great relationship. I don't think anyone is trying to rain on your parade, just advising you to not see normal things as extreme positives - they are minimum requirements.

Just advising you to not see normal things as extreme positives - they are minimum requirements.

This!!

Op I wanted to say thanks for starting this thread
I’ve started dating again and even though I did the freedom programme my boundaries are a bit…. Off , confused and yeah …..

It’s like I know what’s abusive now
But I’m not so good at spotting the pink flags and I get very nervous when I think I’ve annoyed them

I know it’s not been the most pleasant thread and again I really wish you well and happiness !

Mumsnet, innit 😀. Don't feel bad OP. I too was in a toxic relationship for 3 years, and was always hypervigilant about setting exP off for the smallest things. New guy sounds nice. The hardest thing is accepting good things, especially when they follow after bad, but you got this.