Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not all men are bad!.. wanted to share!

120 replies

chipchops · 17/04/2022 03:01

I spent 3 years in a toxic relationship, full of guilt tripping, manipulation and always being made to feel small. I honestly thought I’d never get out, or find anyone half decent.

Fast forward and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. It’s all been so foreign to me and I do sometimes self sabotage as I half expect it to go wrong.

I was due to pick him up late tonight as he went out with his friends but somehow I ended up falling asleep and not hearing any alarm I set. I woke up at 2am to 5 missed calls and 5 texts. This set my panic mode off as I instantly thought he would be livid.

Instead the texts said “I’ll stay at Xs (his friend), don’t worry” “I hope you’re okay, let me know that you’re okay” and “night I love you”.

I called him at 2am in a panic, apologising over and over. He kept saying “it’s okay beautiful it’s not the end of the world”, “just come get me first thing, get some rest”, “I love you don’t beat yourself up, I’m just glad you’re okay”

It honestly actually feels so SO strange to me not being made to feel small, had a go at, anything. It’s almost as if I don’t believe a relationship could be so good or healthy. I don’t understand how he’s not livid at me.

Anyone who thinks it can’t get better or there’s no decent men out there I promise they’re out there!! Flowers

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 17/04/2022 06:47

Do not go pick him up this morning!! You’re not a taxi service. You message “best if you get other transport home this morning. Speak later” then mean it and stick to your guns. His response will tell you everything, do not apologise and do not run around after him. He gets himself home like the big boy he is

Original poster
chipchops · 17/04/2022 06:48

Didnt realise offering to pick up my boyfriend every now and then was troubling behaviour that means I need to be in therapy. This website baffles me sometimes. I’m going to stop posting/reading now but I hope this at least made someone feel hope

OP posts:
Patchbatch · 17/04/2022 06:50

Firstly well done for leaving your toxic relationship, it can be hard when you're ground down to recognise its toxic and then to leave- that's amazing. I do agree with the others but don't think it's that surprising, it takes a while to heal and rebuild your self worth after a horrible relationship, someone not being abusive in this situation is a low bar, albeit higher than the way you were treated previously. For me the ah its alright you can pick me up in the morning instead of him finding his own way back is cheeky- just be careful your good nature and want to please isn't taken advantage of.

PinkSyCo · 17/04/2022 06:52

That’s fine then OP as it was you that offered. I think people were just a little concerned because often it’s difficult to tell what’s right or wrong when you’ve been in an abusive relationship. Hopefully you really have found yourself a good’un though (if so, does he have a brother? Wink). Enjoy your day with your fella. Smile

Bread121bread · 17/04/2022 07:13

Congratulations op 👏 You can celebrate any win you like.

If someone offered to pick me up and then didn't show up and stopped answering their phone. I would be annoyed/ disappointed. Like I'm, sure most people would.

Your partner acted like an adult, whom you were doing favour for. And then presented an alternative solution to the problem at hand. You are both happy with this solution, congratulations. Every little helps.

Simonjt · 17/04/2022 07:17

@chipchops

Didnt realise offering to pick up my boyfriend every now and then was troubling behaviour that means I need to be in therapy. This website baffles me sometimes. I’m going to stop posting/reading now but I hope this at least made someone feel hope
It doesn’t, some MNers are just a bit unpleasant and like to show it.
MintJulia · 17/04/2022 07:18

I get it OP. Taxis are expensive, you live further out from town, you offered because you wanted to. That's nice. The fact that he was completely unphased about the lack of a lift and just wanted to know you were ok is also nice.

Don't let the comments here get you down. The reflex to panic isn't great, but that will pass in time. Good luck.

Covetthee · 17/04/2022 07:25

You’re getting shit responses OP

i would also offer to pick up my partner if i was close to him, and he would do the same…

His response to not showing up shows he is capable of being an adult without huffing and puffing and making you feel bad/guilty.

Diddlysquat13 · 17/04/2022 07:26

Oh Op- your standards are so depressingly low

I had a wonderful father, brother and even my ex husband (with whom I’m still close to and respect enormously).

And the example you give is simply what any half decent HUMAN BEING irrespective of gender would have responded with

Diddlysquat13 · 17/04/2022 07:28

To be honest
No man I am close to or have been in the past would EVER expect me to pick them up in the early hours of the morning. Involving me setting my alarm. Let alone one I’ve been with for a mere 7 months. Seriously, the lack of thought to be comfortable with disrupting someone’s sleep and hauling them out of bed to come and pick you up - not even from work but from a night out with friends - so shit

Beachsidesunset · 17/04/2022 07:30

Sorry sorry sorry sorry ... with kindness, you need to work on your assertiveness OP.

Diddlysquat13 · 17/04/2022 07:31

@Covetthee

You’re getting shit responses OP

i would also offer to pick up my partner if i was close to him, and he would do the same…

His response to not showing up shows he is capable of being an adult without huffing and puffing and making you feel bad/guilty.

Yes you would offer But no way would any decent human actually accept an offer which involves someone setting their alarm for 2am and driving to collect them from a night out. Unless it was perhaps a teenager asking his parent. Any other scenario - no.
Covetthee · 17/04/2022 07:37

She didnt have to set her alarm at 2am.

She said she would pick him up late at night, I assume before she had gone to sleep?

She said she woke at 2am having missed picking him up.

Yes if he has expected her to set alarm and then pick her up that’s shitty.

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 17/04/2022 07:41

Dear God OP, I can't believe the shitty responses you have had here. I'm male and will very happily pick up DW (or my adult children, or DS1's gf) in the wee small hours if it helps them, and DW is the same.
Offering to pick up your boyfriend was kind of you, and him being very relaxed about it when you'd overslept and he couldn"t get in touch with you was a kind response back.
Ignore the miserable sods here and enjoy what you have, which sounds like a mutually respectful relationship.

PurpleDaisies · 17/04/2022 07:44

Ignoring whether the op should have been doing it or not, I don’t think it would automatically make someone bad if they were pretty pissed off that someone didn’t pick them up when they said they would. I would have been. So would dh. We’ve got a good relationship.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 17/04/2022 07:44

But no way would any decent human actually accept an offer which involves someone setting their alarm for 2am

It was midnight so not quite so bad.

OP ignore the derail! I’m so glad you’re finally in a relationship where you don’t have to tread on eggshells.

After I left a toxic relationship I spent ages checking that everyone around me was ok, so scared was I of the consequences of others not being ok, and so worried that I couldn’t readily perceive the other person’s feelings.

So I know what it feels like. You can’t quite believe this new guy is for real.

I think all the posters are saying is don’t mistake mediocre behaviour as the gold standard because your sensors and expectations have been skewed.

Best of luck Flowers on recovering fully.

PinkSyCo · 17/04/2022 07:45

Yes you would offer
But no way would any decent human actually accept an offer which involves someone setting their alarm for 2am and driving to collect them from a night out. Unless it was perhaps a teenager asking his parent. Any other scenario - no.

OP was supposed to pick her bf up at midnight, which isn’t terribly late for some people.

flashpaper · 17/04/2022 07:48

For fucks sake, shit like this is the worst of MN. One person says "oh I think you've set the bar too low" and every one else likes on. Who are we to say she's set the bar too low? She isn't the only person who would have offered to pick a partner up after a night out, let's not pretend that she is. Leave the poor woman alone. Which of us is to say that this behaviour is the best of their relationship? The OPs BF could be the kindest person on the planet and this is the example she's chosen to share. And the therapy comment?? How rude is that?

Ignore, OP. I'm glad you've found someone who is treating you right. I hope he continues to be lovely Thanks

flashpaper · 17/04/2022 07:50

Piles on, not likes

brownwhisker · 17/04/2022 07:53

Absolutely baffling the responses you got on here. Honestly dont know WTF is wrong with some people.

Perfectly normal to offer a partner a lift after a night out

TheBigDilemma · 17/04/2022 07:57

@chipchops

Didnt realise offering to pick up my boyfriend every now and then was troubling behaviour that means I need to be in therapy. This website baffles me sometimes. I’m going to stop posting/reading now but I hope this at least made someone feel hope
It is not, lots of people here are judging the whole of your new relationship in a single event. There is nothing wrong with being asked to pick up at night once in a blue moon.

Enjoy your new relationship, there will come the time when you will stop apologising all the time, it comes from living in a toxic relationship. But do not forget that you have done already the most difficult thing: LEAVING. I can assure you that most people living in a toxic relationship cannot even identify what one looks like. Flowers

Maraa · 17/04/2022 08:00

Wow. Some of the responses on here!! Well done for getting out your previous relationship! And also, I don’t see what the issue is. I always offer my partner a lift. He is amazing, no issues at all, but if I can offer a lift I do? Not every time he goes out but if I know he’s coming home around a certain time and I’m still up i through it out there. Didn’t realise this was a massive red flag tbh.

Good luck in your relationship! I hope he continues to make you feel happy and safe!

RantyAunty · 17/04/2022 08:01

@Covetthee

She didnt have to set her alarm at 2am.

She said she would pick him up late at night, I assume before she had gone to sleep?

She said she woke at 2am having missed picking him up.

Yes if he has expected her to set alarm and then pick her up that’s shitty.

Yes she did set an alarm as in her first post. She said she slept through it. I feel for the women today. The bar for men is in hades.
sunflowermadness · 17/04/2022 08:03

Op I get it!

This is what toxic past relationships do to you. A completely normal Response from him becomes the most wonderful human act in your eyes because you are used to the worst. It's liberating isn't it.

I was similar to you had awful relationships and then I found this wonderful man who I've been with for a few years and have a beautiful blended family with now. I couldn't believe how much he forgave and didn't get mad at me or upset or sulk etc.

After a while you start to realise that actually, these wonderful little things are and always have been totally normal behaviour.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to pick your partner up at 2am from a lads night out and staying up, I'd do the same to make sure he was safe and he would 100% do the same for me. It's called looking after each other. Our men need looking after too.

You sound like a wonderful human being and a lovely girlfriend/partner and I am glad you have finally found a man with decency and respect. It's such a good feeling when you find that person who treats you the way you should have always been treated in the first place. You deserve it! Look after each other and enjoy Biscuit

sunflowermadness · 17/04/2022 08:04

Midnight not 2am, I've been a victim of Chinese whispers half way down the post here Grin