Not all men are bad!.. wanted to share!

[chipchops]

I spent 3 years in a toxic relationship, full of guilt tripping, manipulation and always being made to feel small. I honestly thought I’d never get out, or find anyone half decent.

Fast forward and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 7 months. It’s all been so foreign to me and I do sometimes self sabotage as I half expect it to go wrong.

I was due to pick him up late tonight as he went out with his friends but somehow I ended up falling asleep and not hearing any alarm I set. I woke up at 2am to 5 missed calls and 5 texts. This set my panic mode off as I instantly thought he would be livid.

Instead the texts said “I’ll stay at Xs (his friend), don’t worry” “I hope you’re okay, let me know that you’re okay” and “night I love you”.

I called him at 2am in a panic, apologising over and over. He kept saying “it’s okay beautiful it’s not the end of the world”, “just come get me first thing, get some rest”, “I love you don’t beat yourself up, I’m just glad you’re okay”

It honestly actually feels so SO strange to me not being made to feel small, had a go at, anything. It’s almost as if I don’t believe a relationship could be so good or healthy. I don’t understand how he’s not livid at me.

Anyone who thinks it can’t get better or there’s no decent men out there I promise they’re out there!!

Sorry op that the initial responses were, well, plain weird. I was waiting for the word 'narc' to be thrown around!

It was lovely you offered to collect him! I'd do the same if a taxi was expensive and I had nothing else on. It's not as if he told you to collect him and expected it all the time.

Really glad to hear his response was checking you were OK.

Enjoy being happy and with someone that cares about you. You've had a bad relationship, like many of us. It's nice to see a positive post on here

@SamMil

My husband and I have picked each other up late from nights out loads of times (pre-kids!).

Does that mean we are both "setting the bar too low"?

Mumsnet really makes me laugh sometimes - so uptight!

Do you broadcast how wonderful he is for not screaming and shouting at you and allowing you to pick him up first thing in the morning? That’s setting the bar too low. A lack of abuse isn’t special, it’s basic human behaviour. That’s why people are saying it’s worth seeking help - you should expect much much more than simply not being abused. If you’re panicky and apologising repeatedly to a boyfriend you’ve been with less than a year you’re sending out the wrong signals. It doesn’t bring across a confident person who is comfortable with their own boundaries. You’re basically saying ‘I’m easy to take advantage of! I’ll accept a lot of crappy treatment as long as it’s not awful abuse!’

I can see where you’re coming from Chipchops. I’m glad for you. Enjoy your lovely relationship & take no notice of the naysayers. Keep on being happy & being pleased to have found someone like your man.

OP some of the responses you are getting here say a lot more about people posting then about you. Just ignore it.

You offered to pick him up and you were both happy with that - absolutely normal and many people do little favours like that in relationship.

You realised he's a nice person in comparison to your previous partners - this is lovely and in itself has nothing to do with setting your bar too low or putting him on a pedestal like some black and white thinkers suggest. Actually it's the opposite - recognising and celebrating his healthy behaviour is a step in right direction! That means you are starting to understand what your boundaries are, what you need and what healthy relationship looks like. We'll done!

You also noticed your stress levels went up and you apologised a lot - again totally normal after abusive relationships, but you paying attention to those behaviours and having different outcome is an eye opener. I'm sure you are still vulnerable and have some work to do but having and celebrating little positive experiences is great and it's nice to share them with others!

Op I see myself in your posts
I’m not having a dig, I really do

Just to say it’s ever so easy to set the bar low ….
You are used to it low

I hope this thread hasn’t made you feel bad 😞
Just tread with caution , as it’s ever so easy to fall into things when the big red flags arnt there
But little pink ones are

People here are usually pretty accurate !

And I don’t think there is anything wrong
I totally recognise your nerves at the messages

@chipchops

I’m baffled that offering to pick up my boyfriend from a night out (which I don’t always do, by the way) in itself means I need to be in therapy? What on Earth

It’s not normal in a healthy adult relationship. He gets a taxi. You are congratulating yourself on not being abused but there are different sorts of control and abuse and this is what the posters are saying. Be careful. A woman used to being thumped will think an angry man only shouting is a step up.

At midnight you should be asleep. As for him getting you to apologise and reminding you to come and get him ‘early’ it’s a red flag for me. Why can’t his mate drop him
Off.

Just be careful.

Be careful. A woman used to being thumped will think an angry man only shouting is a step up

Yeah . Op I’ve just ended a fling so I’m finding this thread very interesting for me personally
Sorry to hijack , and don’t want to project
Thanks for starting this

He hasn't done anything worth writing a post on here about. He's given you the normal, expected reaction. Most men wouldn't turn nasty if their girlfriend never showed up because she was asleep. His reaction doesn't say anything about him, it just shows you're used to shit behaviour from other men.

OP, it is really great that you have left your abusive relationship and moved on.

Do not listen to people on here, if you want to, of course you can offer to pick your Partner up from a night out. You can do nice things for each other without being controlled or a mug. Providing it is a mutual thing, making someone's life a bit easier now and again is not a weakness.
My now DH drove 108 miles to pick me up as I was too hungover to get the train home, he is not controlled, I am not abusive and he is certainly not a mug. I have picked him up from gigs and nights out over the years.

I think, due to your last relationship it is always good to keep your expectations in check ensuring just because he's not abusive, he's amazing, but yes, he sounds understanding and caring.

You arranged to pick up your DP at an inconvenient time (as most people probably have done at some point in their life for partners/friends/parents be it airport drop offs/hospital appointments) but you weren't there and got an understandable response from your boyfriend. You're allowed to feel relief in this reaction from your past history.

Not all snakes are bad either , would you tell women you’ve had a snake for seven months and it hasn’t bitten you yet …

Most women here know exactly what most men are like and that there are rare exceptions . Most of us need more than seven months to decide one is an exceptions considering what we have learnt throughout the years …some many many years of dealing with them

Why SHOULD he get annoyed ? Is the bar so low that women are not allowed to fall asleep now lest we not be waiting beck and call on men

Considering your past experiences this may feel nice to you . In a real world any decent bloke would have taken a taxi home to check on his partner that failed to turn up or answered her phone , not going to a friend without a care in the world.

OP I totally get the euphoric relief of his response not being bad.
But..

Keep your wits about you and be mindful and careful. Better than an abusive ex doesn't always mean good.

I posted on another thread early about how many people on these threads are like a pack of wolves and enjoy hating on people

Only read this thread briefly but i’m surprised some of the people commenting have partners to pick them
up at anytime of the day never mind midnight

Some of you sound like bloody hard work

OP I am
glad to hear you are happy 😃

@RamsayEaster

I posted on another thread early about how many people on these threads are like a pack of wolves and enjoy hating on people

Only read this thread briefly but i’m surprised some of the people commenting have partners to pick them
up at anytime of the day never mind midnight

Some of you sound like bloody hard work

OP I am
glad to hear you are happy 😃

Are you a male or just a male apologist 😂 Why do you think the bar fora men is simply not being angry when you don’t pick them up ?

No one enjoys ‘hating ‘ on people . Many women are just sick of basic decent human behaviours being applauded in men as if throat should be celebrated for not beating or abusing us

@Littlebylittlelittle

my point is op has obviously been through a torrid time from a previous relationship
where we think how the op dealt and felt about the situation is entirely up to her

op appears to be in a good place just now then some people with comments feel the need to drag her back down

like I said this website has some awful people on it

I think it’s important the OP has another perspective. It’s great this guy isn’t as toxic as the previous one - or hopefully at all - but it’s pertinent to consider whether or not the guy would/has picked the OP up too, why he expects her to come out in the middle of the night (most people would say no darling I’ll get a cab!), if he makes a lot of requests, etc.

I hope it is just all positive OP but it’s worth considering all angles.

i was waiting for the word 'narc' to be thrown around 😂😂

I think that all couples are different. Friends of mine - a couple - don’t use taxis snd always pick each other up. They both do it. When they both go out, She drives a bit more because she doesn’t drink as much as him . I think it’s just their arrangement . I don’t think that in itself means anything.

Also if you had been promised a lift and the person fell asleep that would be annoying so his response was kind to be fair

Some really scathing and unkind comments here. You messed up an arrangement and he was lovely about it and you're relieved.

My partner who is an absolute darling, would still be a bit miffed if I didn't pick him up when I'd arranged to. So...

Ignore them hunny.

Ahh op, you're getting some shitty, unfair responses. If you offered that's fine - I'd collect someone from a pub, I wouldn't if they went clubbing though. My DD often collects her DP from pubs/railway stations late at night, and she's nobodies fool, she just loves him and wants him to get home safe - he does the same for her.

I think people forget 7 months in you look forward to seeing each other - you probably offered because you actually like him (imagine? ) and wanted to spend, even just a short car journey, with him - 'cos that's what it's like at the beginning of a relationship. A few years down the line you'll probably be saying 'get a taxi, cheeky fucker' but for now, you're loved up, so enjoy it!

[quote RamsayEaster]@Littlebylittlelittle

my point is op has obviously been through a torrid time from a previous relationship
where we think how the op dealt and felt about the situation is entirely up to her

op appears to be in a good place just now then some people with comments feel the need to drag her back down

like I said this website has some awful people on it[/quote]
I havnt seen aweful people just people reminding OP how important it is to keep healthy perspectives

Just because we’ve had bad past relationship wr should be aware our bar of what’s ‘ good ‘ might be low
Nothing wrong with picking each other’s up after a night out imo but to think it’s something special for a man not to be angry if you didn’t because you fell asleep is concerning
People fall asleep , miss appointments , forget etc all the time and it should be EXPECTED that he doesn’t get angry . Not held up as proof he’s somehow a good man . I think that’s what a lot of people are trying to say . I don’t think that makes them awrful people at all .

OP I would t worry about anyones afvice that there anything wrong with picking someone up . That’s an agreement teo people can make and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it
I do think however that you should EXPECT him not to be angry just because you were unable to because you fell asleep

I think this is an extremely low bar you have set.