April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

I’ve been away on hols so catching up

@MyFragility
My heart reaches out to you. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe (well, I can) that your family behaved like that at such a desperate time. Small comfort, but the boundaries you’ve already put in place will serve you well in the coming years. I can’t imagine your pain. We are all here for you. Xxx

@54isanopendoor

It sounds like lots of emotions are, understandably, stirred up by her death. I know I felt incredibly upset when my late dad died as I had so much to straighten out with him which would have been possible as he wasn’t abusive but just a very British emotionally uptight guy. And he was normal! The control - and possibly dodgy behaviour by your brother - has stirred up even more crap for you. I’m so sorry.

@JerryGarcia
Oh god, my heart sinks reading your post. Why do they always make it about them?
Is there a text book of shitty behaviour that our emotional vampire families read, I wonder?

@JoyLurking9to5
Nope, she didn’t run after you to talk. She ‘thought’ she saw you. It’s all about making her look like the good person, making you doubt yourself and starting the game again. As you know, of course! You can’t reason with these people. Emotional honesty and taking responsibility for their actions is completely out of their point of reference. You were right to go LC/NC.

@ChiswickFlo
The Calm app is brilliant for insomnia. Hope the cake meet up with the loons in your family was ok. Going forward, I suggest a gazebo with hazard tape all over it! Lol.

@beachcitygirl
it’s all straight out of Mean Girls. You are right to feel hurt. Hugs to you. X

@Fantastique11
This is a great place to find support.
Welcome. Absolutely - once you see the behaviour for what it is ALL the jigsaw pieces drop into place which can be really painful especially when you reconsider the past through your new filter.

It went OK thank you @MonkeyfromManchester but I don't think I realised just how much I was dreading it!
Dh had a nice time and was very grateful.
Hope your hols went well?

@ChairP0se9to5
air punch for you! She will try and pile on the pressure to get you back in her clutches. Stay strong.

@Sicario
jesus. Well, you predicted the drama would be Oscar winning...but involving your daughter is a low. I hope you are OK. Here at Stately Homes, we’ll dust off our big frocks for the ensuing Toxic Sister Awards, BUT we might not need them as the thing is with these narcs is that you never know what they will do - like you say, they could cut you out completely or try to involve you so they can hurt you more. God only knows.

I’m feeling good. Nice break away to see my family overseas and then back to the maelstrom of Hag (toxic MIL) world.

It’s been six months since I saw her - 26 December. No intention of seeing her this year until Xmas Day. FOR TWO HOURS. After her APPALLING behaviour at Xmas 2021 at my mum’s who kindly invites her for Xmas Day/Boxing Day each year (and not to mention the Hag ramping up abusive behaviour from September onwards to ruin our Xmas), I hit on a cunning plan.

Xmas lunch at a local pub. Hag, mummy monkey, mr monkey and me. Minimum spend, two hours, and then Mr Monkey and I head to my mum’s for a week of peace.

Whilst I was away, Mr Monkey took Slave Son out for a curry, they rarely see each other as MM has a life. Of course, the Hag couldn’t believe she wasn’t invited and there was HUGE drama over her being “left out”, she’s 85, doesn’t like curry and doesn’t drink lager, but she just wants to extend control beyond 60 something Slave Son to MM and sit there as the centre of attention.

She didn’t go, thank fuck, as they stood their ground. They discussed plans for Xmas 2022* In years past, when The Hag is at my mum’s for Xmas Day Slave Son uses those two days as respite from caring for the abusive Bitch. she doesn’t need care - he plays the role of punch bag. Slave Son - of course - didn’t know the extent of the horrendous behaviour at Xmas 2021. MM updated him. Slave Son was shocked.

MM presented the plan and explained why we can never host her at my mum’s EVER AGAIN. Slave Son thinks the local pub is a great idea and he will come along! Whilst this is another level of crap - alcoholic, no conversation, chain smoker, weird - it corners the Hag as we’re having an ostensibly “nice family Xmas” it involves Slave Son, and it’s on her turf and in her point of reference i.e. local pub. She will also revel in it as she’ll feel she’s pissed on our Christmas and has delivered a winning blow against her rivals for her son’s affection - my mum and me - but that’s OK as she is well and truly outwitted. Hopefully, this will be the last Xmas. I will work 2022 Xmas in such a way that the people thar matter - my mum and us - have the best time.

*cannot believe I’m having to think about Xmas in June, but I loves a plan that fucks over an abuser.

Hag also knows that MM has backed away. Lots of histrionic calls recently. Tons when he’s at work which is totally inappropriate and this is DESPITE him saying don’t ring me so he doesn’t pick up any more. The latest few when he’s answered at home have involved hysterical tears and “I can’t believe my life has ended up like this.” and “I’m better off dead”.

well, yes, you do have a point.

@ChiswickFlo it’s the adrenaline! Truly awful how it overshadows everything. I do have a spare gazebo for future use.

Yes, probably!

Dh knows that from now on our Xmas is at home. People know where we live...if they want to "pop in" they can.

My difficulty is mum...she much prefers to come here for Xmas lunch rather than my sisters so we will probably have to have her.

My brother always does what sil and her family wants so has never - in 20 years - had mum for Xmas.

Sigh. Thinking about Xmas in June is pants isn't it?

Hi 👋
Its me (Chiswick flo)
Re subscribed due to latest mn data breach
(Twirls new nn)

Nice twirl there Chevyimpala!

I would say to your mother than you're going to mix things up this year by going out to a restaurant on Christmas Day. Think your brother has good reason why he has never hosted his mother for Christmas.

I start thinking about the following Christmas not too long after the festive season is over!. MIL's behaviour (Eviangate amongst other gems like she writing and handing over separate Christmas cards after marriage till I complained to DH about it) over the years remains the overriding factor for us being on holiday for the festivities.

"Eviangate"!? Sounds...interesting...

Tbh she's no trouble (ha!) She pretty much eats then leaves really 🤷‍♀️ although she's not even doing much of that lately 😕

I shall - tentatively - ask mum what her plans are after my bday (it's a big one this year...). I'm going to shelve thinking about it til then!

@MonkeyfromManchester has a great plan! Make the narc think they have "won" by spoiling Xmas then sailing off into the sunset to enjoy your "real" Xmas!
Genius! 👍

@AttilaTheMeerkat I LOVE Eviangate. The Hag doesn’t even bring that - too narc to think about anyone else -but I reckon your MIL knew EXACTLY what she was doing.

@Chevyimpala67 sorry to hear about the data breach. I know re Xmas - it’s hideous having to plan in flipping June.

Maybe the restaurant idea could work for you? A little drink at yours specially timed to a minimum that you are watching the time and have to go for the meal and then a speedy meal and immediate drop off. Then chill out with wine.

I’m doing the cheapest possible option at Beefeater up the road. £20 a head. Then we can either spend the rest of the day with my mum here sans Hag or drive off into the sunset with her. Hag can just deal with it and with Slave Son as part of it there’s no room for wriggling.

We’re doing the spare room up, and it’s nice to know there’s a proper room for my mum and other normal people this summer. I’m sure Mr Monkey will mention it in passing to The Hag that we’re doing the spare room.

No doubt, The Hag will think she’ll be able to move in - the ongoing absolute histrionics about her dodgy heating over the last two months has been supposed to elicit a ‘come and stay here’ from us hence the refusal of an interim heater from both us and the housing association* - but NEVER AGAIN.

*this has only just dawned on me.

I just don't have the bandwidth for everything atm. Dh is stepping up a bit more which is good.

I'm enjoying my weekends "off" but feel guilty as I know my siblings only pop in for 20 mins max. Sigh.

I just don't have the bandwidth for everything atm. Dh is stepping up a bit more which is good.

I'm enjoying my weekends "off" but feel guilty as I know my siblings only pop in for 20 mins max. Sigh.

Ugh
Double post
Sorry

I have been on these threads for a few years now under different user names. I just need to document a timeline for my own ref - around NC.

It’s the only option but it is excruciating.

I vacillate between deep loss and sorrow, physically painful and preoccupied with injustice - to anger and rage (all internal).

It’s exhausting. I am not sure if I find it liberating. I find it lonely and shocking that I have been scapegoated. And my only option is to ignore the atrocious behavior and fawn over them like I had done something wrong. Anyways:

It’s been 3 years now since one sister stopped responding to me and then got in the head of another sister who is/was emotionally unstable and who then went on a campaign of malicious emails and actions against me. I had to block this sister as although she was unraveling her behavior was taking its toll on my own MH.

My third sister who was silent throughout this chaos has not been in contact since Nov 21.

I feel lost and confused. The pain of NC seems never ending.

I have read somewhere that estrangement lasts on average 7 years. I suppose that’s how long we can hold on to anger / emotion? The whole Royal family rift and watching the frosty manoeuvres around the Jubilee weekend was quite triggering for me.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

Any "big occasion" can be quite triggering can't it? Although I'd wager a LOT of those jubilee parties ended badly (one locally ended up with a 20 person riot and 4 arrests!!!) So don't get sucked into the msm loving family narrative on that one.

I came to terms with my defined family "role" of scapegoat many years ago. I no longer let it bother me. The people who matter know the score, including, amazingly, finally, my mother!

It's still hard for her to admit how useless her favourites have been/are but the scales have well and truly fallen from her eyes on that one.

I imagine it's rather painful for her, but that's not my problem.

Wrt your nc status - I'm on the way to that with my siblings. Indeed, once mum is gone I will definitely be nc. There was no acknowledgement of dhs big birthday this week and no doubt won't be one for ds1s next week. 🤷‍♀️

It's fine. Less obligation for me in return.

I think accepting people for how they are and not how you wish them to be is key. And then acting accordingly based on their behaviour towards you. My siblings won't change. They add nothing to my life but stress and obligation. Sad, but true.

There won't be estate/will issues once mum is gone. She has some savings and her furniture etc but thats it.

Once my siblings have made sure they get their share that'll be that.

They can have the lot tbh. I certainly won't be arguing with them over money or sofas!

Too much has happened to recount here but after a few years of obvious mistreatment and favouritism the scales have fallen from my eyes and it is very painful to see you have been used your whole life. The final straw was when dn was pushing and shoving dd and i spoke up about parents doing nothing (dd was only 3 at the time so couldnt defend herself). I was called a bully and many other things and cut off by ds and bil. Dm enjoying all of it had already been doling out regular silent treatments, didnt come and see my new baby before all of this happened despite spending weeks upon end with cousins and regular cutting remarks and put downs for no reason at all.
Im finding even minimal contact is having a negative impact on myself and family.how do you get to a place where you can look forward to a life without being used rather than keep looking back to the past? I am considering talking to an 'impartial' brother as the pretending and then being blamed for everything feels unbearable.

Ive been reading other comments and sorry so many are going through this.

I suppose the question is what does this minimal contact bring to your life? I'd hazard a guess stress and upset?

So...stop.

The only reason I still contact my siblings is to inform them if mum is ill/in hospital.

That's it.

And its bloody great.

Chevyimpala67 - yes you are right. It only brings stress and upset. Honest communication is not allowed and every conversation I feel like I am going into a boxing ring waiting for the jabs and manipulations. Im so programmed to people please that I only see the loaded comments later. Then get called sensitive or crazy.

I suppose its societal expectations and answering the question 'how are your family?'

I also have an impartial brother. I have found that it doesn’t help to involve them - that’s just my experience. I have decided to have a separate one to one relationship which is unpolluted by talk of my other siblings. I don’t want to draw him in which just triangulates him into the conflict.

I have only once spoken to him about the messy conflict (this year) and he had by then absorbed a whole convoluted tissue of lies narrative from the others which I chose not to unpick via him. He can judge me on my actions, his experience of me and our relationship and we have a great friendship - I am not going to muddy that with their spin.

I also recently mentioned the situation briefly to an aunt (after 3 years) and she was very much of the opinion that my sister is emotionally unstable and I just need to suck it up and support her. She was trying to be diplomatic and smooth troubled waters but I felt very alone and unheard but others don’t understand.

I usually reply
"Mad as a box of frogs thanks 😊 "

Sorry, don't mean to appear flippant but I tend to use humour to help me.

You could just "fine thanks" and then ask about their family/work/holidays etc

Ime people like to talk about themselves and only ask our of politeness

"Being blamed for everything feels unbearable"

YES IT DOES!

DFOD

re your comment:
"I also recently mentioned the situation briefly to an aunt (after 3 years) and she was very much of the opinion that my sister is emotionally unstable and I just need to suck it up and support her. She was trying to be diplomatic and smooth troubled waters but I felt very alone and unheard but others don’t understand".

Your aunt here is a flying monkey and these people have their own agendas. FMs are also not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored. I will also try and find the link re boat rocking behaviour in toxic families as this could be helpful to you as well.

"Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard".

There is much truth in @AttilaTheMeerkat post above...

Since I told my siblings - after mums last admission for sepsis - that I could no longer do it all alone they have totally ghosted me. Left the sibling WhatsApp group I set up years ago (so I only had to send 1 message, not 2) ...

Pathetic, really.

They are - genuinely - enraged I have the temerity to point out I am still doing 5 days per week to their 1 (they visit for 20 mins - unless they want something...)

They are - genuinely - shocked when I point out I have a dh and dc who also need me and a life of my own

They are - genuinely - offended when I point out that they don't spend any time with mum and that they need to be more aware of her health problems.

There is no sane response to that ^ level of deluision/selfishness so I just don't bother.

I now only contact my sister if I have to re: mum. She picks up because she knows I only ring when mum is very ill/in hospital.
Then she passes the message onto golden bollocks my brother. If she doesn't pass it on its not my problem...he flounced from the WhatsApp chat 🤷‍♀️

All in all my life is immeasurably calmer from that pov.

It'll all kick off once mum dies but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

They will struggle to provoke me or upset me. I simply don't care about them or their opinions at all anymore.