My abusive STBXH says he is trans

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Hey
I recently left my abusive husband and last week I got a court order for supervised contact only with our daughter who is 2. Yesterday he sent me a voice note in which he came out as trans. I am just so confused as he is never like feminine or shown signs of being uncomfortable and I don't know it makes no sense. He hadn't admitted his abuse to me before but he admitted it and apologised and said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense. He says his drinking problems were down to him feeling depressed as he was in the wrong body. He has lied to me about quite a lot of things before and part of me thinks it is another lie especially as I am only the second person he has told apparently. But I think pretending to be a women like no one would lie about that and it just seems so bizarre and I don't know. I am bissexual and have dated a women before and he says that everything I loved about him won't change when he transitions but all the bad stuff and the abuse will go as its down to the testosterone and his depression at being in the wrong body. I know we should believe trans people and I have never ever doubted anyone coming out as trans before but part of me thinks he is just doing this to try and get me back or as he thinks it will make the courts rethink their decision for some reason. Also I am scared that they will and he won't change and I don't know as they might think now when he becomes a women he will be different and I don't know it just makes no sense and he might still be abusive and he might hurt our daughter and I don't know. But he might genuinely change and it makes no sense and I'm really confused and it makes no sense. I don't know as if he has changed and will become a different person then I don't want to not give him a chance to prove it and I am so confused

@onlymyselftoanswerto1

Was he nasty and abusive to his boss or his friends or regular people in the street? I'm guessing not, and therefore the abuse of you was a choice, not a hormone. They are two separate issues. And even on the offchance he WAS abusive to other people besides you - that's still a choice, everyone has testosterone in their bodies, they aren't all abusive.

I get that you are confused but he's trying it on OP. Sending you a hug as it sounds like you could do with one!

I agree. And it's sad that someone I know of said the person can't be that bad kind of thing as how comes they can be with someone else and not show the same abusive side 😔 not getting that they do it because they can.

He’s a very manipulative man.

@Teddeh

This isn't specific to his being trans, but keep in mind: you broke up for VERY good reasons. This person hurt you so badly you ended your marriage and took steps to stop him seeing your daughter unsupervised. I'm sure none of that was easy, and that you must have given him many second chances and tried everything you could before leaving.

So, remember nothing has changed, and you cannot go back to where you were. Best case, your ex really has discovered something life changing and will - eventually, with extensive therapy and a lot of work - overcome some of his issues. But even if he's on the level, it's a long, long process and he's only at the very beginning. If it's even possible for you to trust him on any level again, it will take years. And you have no obligation to even try. I think this changes nothing for you: you still continue with the divorce, you still keep your daughter safe and, since he's given you some startling new information, you stay wary.

Imagine if he'd instead told you he discovered he was an alcoholic and now he'll get help. It's a change, and it seems positive on the surface - but you have no idea if his self-diagnosis is correct, if he'll stick with his plans to quit, if he'll be successful, etc. It will be years before you know. And even then, the doubts and mistrust and the memories of the painful past are still there. The idea that there's some magical explanation or cure or change - it's a fantasy. You're not even sure you believe what he's telling you. Be very wary, but go ahead and get on with your life. You can wish him luck, but you can't trust him.

I guess it is just so confusing and makes no sense but it is like I don't know. You're right though I can't wait for him even if he will change and i don't know it is just crazy and it just seems so strange he showed no signs of this before

@Honestopinion23

Unbelievable. OP, this is an abusive man. He may have decided that in his head he feels like a woman (what the fuck does that even mean?) but it changes nothing about who he is. He sounds like a narcissistic gaslighter who is using this shit to excuse his behaviour. If I were you I’d get your daughter away from this guy. He’s not a good father and he won’t be a good father if he starts taking estrogen.

I guess but it just doesn't make sense and like would he really go to all those lengths as to take hormones to try and manipulate me though? I don't know it just seems too far even for him and I don't know. But you're right in that he's abusive and I can't go back and we need to stay away but its like nothing makes sense

OP the reasons don’t matter. You need to love yourself enough to trust yourself. You know he abused you. This is a fact. That is all you really need to choose to not entertain his sloppy manipulations.

This man (who wasn’t born in the wrong body btw) ABUSED you. You! The mother of his child! He did that!

Nothing else matters. He can get a spiny skirt and eat all the horse piss pills he wants and it won’t ever change him into a female and it won’t change his fundamental self.

Plenty of men with loads of testosterone don’t abuse their partners. He is simply trying to get out of being accountable for his very bad behavior. He does not want to actually take ownership for his actions.

Don’t entertain him anymore.

Do it for your daughter if you can’t do it for yourself.

@334bu

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

Post on this thread
.The women here know what you are going through and know just how manipulative these.men can be. Take care.

thanks, I've looked and I think most of the women here have left or have problems because their partner has transitioned when I think it is a bit different for me as our problems are more about his abuse before and have left already before he told me so I don't know as it is quite different?

He says he is going to do HRT eventually but I am not sure if he will like have surgery or anything like that
So, what makes him trans then, op?

@KnightonShiningArmour

OP, it’s a get out of jail free card for narcissistic abusers. Look at the trans widows threads - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

You can’t be born in the wrong body. He’s chosen to be an abuser. Run for the hills.

THIS with bloody great bells on

You need to ignore him.
You're not his free therapist.
Him unloading this on you got you to respond to him so he could unload more manipulation on to you.
Whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter as its not your problem

Stop talking to him except if it directly is about the children. Schedule, pick up, etc.

@RantyAunty

You need to ignore him. You're not his free therapist. Him unloading this on you got you to respond to him so he could unload more manipulation on to you. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter as its not your problem

Stop talking to him except if it directly is about the children. Schedule, pick up, etc.

This op

Testosterone does not make you abuse others.
Women can take it without abusing their partners - men who have lots of it don't all abuse their partners.

He doesn't sound to be taking responsibility for his abuse of you. He is blaming it all on his body... as if it is seprate from him.

You seem still to have feelings for him and would like what he says to be true. Sadly though, wishing won't make him a better person.

You have been abused by him and could be again.
Please take care.

OP do you know about the Freedom Programme? Or Lindy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? Both might be useful to you.

Like the above, Dr Ramani on YouTube may also be helpful in recognising some things about parts of your relationship.

Most trans women (like your ex). have no surgery and it's possible to be a trans woman without taking hormones. So he can literally self-ID as trans and say he plans on taking hormones, but there's zero requirement for him to do that these days. If he wants to get a Gender Recognition Certificate he needs to do some things over a 2-year (I think) period. But basically the idea he'll be taking drugs is almost laughable.

Did you know that a significant number of trans women prisoners who were released suddenly realised they were male all along/"detransitioned", upon release from a woman's prison.

So why would he say he's a woman, because just like those "detransitioners" he's doing it to game the system.

Save that voice message, just in case.

*could be doing it

“go to all those lengths as to take hormones to try and manipulate me though?”

He’s not gone to ANY lengths yet, though, has he? He might (but probably won’t) take HRT “some time in the future.” It’s complete bollocks OP.

Even if it wasn’t bollocks (it is), testosterone doesn’t make anybody abusive on its own - unless they’re adding a lot more of it artificially and get ‘roid rage. And you don’t need a lot of testosterone to be an abuser.

Think of all the Catholic Nuns who abused kids in their care in Ireland. The Soviet and Nazi female concentration guards, or the current ones in North Korea and Chinese “re-education” camps. Women like Rose West. Or the very ordinary women who attack and abuse other women, men and children. Not so many in number as the men who do, admittedly, but they don’t have testosterone to use as an excuse…

…and nor does the worthless piece of shit you’re rightly divorcing.

Most men are not abusers in spite of their testosterone.

There is nothing special about his body that meant the testosterone was affecting him in a peculiar way compared to other men - his abusive behaviour is likely rooted in something deep in his psyche. So even if oestrogen does make him feel calmer that is no guarantee his abusive behaviour will have gone.

Stick to the supervised only order whatever you do.

To add OP, I had to take extra testosterone for the process of freezing my eggs.

I didn’t abuse anything except for chocolate. Which I did before lol oh! And after!

He's not trans He's just a dickhead. He 'feels' like a woman... mmmkay then

If it's down to testosterone, as he says, was he abusive to other family members, people he worked with and friends? If he wasn't abusive towards everyone and it was directed at you, then he had control over 'said testosterone' and he was abusive, not because his body wanted to be a woman, but because he was abusive

The important point here for your safety and that of your child is that your ex is abusive.

I don’t think it matters a whole lot if we say she is abusive or he is abusive - it is the abuse that is significant. Imagine you had a female partner who behaved in the same way as your ex. Would you have stayed? Of course not!

I would probably reply to the voice note with something like «thanks for letting me know, good luck on your journey “ and I’d keep it as proof of the abuse if it’s denied in the future.

The gender of the perpetrator is irrelevant - the important thing is no contact from you and supervised contact for your daughter to keep everyone safe.

Abuse isn't in his hormones. It's in his head and he can't change that. That is why treatment for abusive men is so rarely successful. He can pretend to be a woman, but he'll still be an abusive man in a 👗.

I bet he at this moment is not living as a woman.

Like others have said I think he is using this to get round you.

Look after yourself and your children. He is not your problem.

I agree with, "OK, thanks for telling me" then ignore.
He's an abuser, and transing himself won't change a thing.
Be very cautious.

I am absolutely stunned that they have said this. Testosterone is no excuse. Abuse is not a biological process, if it was it wouldn't be so bloody common, we would have treatment centres, we wouldn't have repeat offenders, rehabilitation would work.

Abuse is a sense of entitlement mixed up with ideals about gender roles, what power should look like, how people process shame, selfishness, manipulation, driving self worth from external sources. These are all laid down in your personality are largely very difficult to change.

My feeling on abusive ex partners is maybe they will change but let someone else find out. The risks to you are too high.

I find it hard to believe a man who abuses women has any idea what it feels like to be a woman.

More chillingly, some men have a sexual fantasy about what the experience of abuse feels like to a woman.

Either way, get out. And get your children out.

I'd suggest this is another tactic to be abusive towards you.
Pay no heed. It's not your problem. Don't engage.
He's still the same person.