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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My abusive STBXH says he is trans

112 replies

IKJ4 · 15/04/2022 19:27

Hey
I recently left my abusive husband and last week I got a court order for supervised contact only with our daughter who is 2. Yesterday he sent me a voice note in which he came out as trans. I am just so confused as he is never like feminine or shown signs of being uncomfortable and I don't know it makes no sense. He hadn't admitted his abuse to me before but he admitted it and apologised and said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense. He says his drinking problems were down to him feeling depressed as he was in the wrong body. He has lied to me about quite a lot of things before and part of me thinks it is another lie especially as I am only the second person he has told apparently. But I think pretending to be a women like no one would lie about that and it just seems so bizarre and I don't know. I am bissexual and have dated a women before and he says that everything I loved about him won't change when he transitions but all the bad stuff and the abuse will go as its down to the testosterone and his depression at being in the wrong body. I know we should believe trans people and I have never ever doubted anyone coming out as trans before but part of me thinks he is just doing this to try and get me back or as he thinks it will make the courts rethink their decision for some reason. Also I am scared that they will and he won't change and I don't know as they might think now when he becomes a women he will be different and I don't know it just makes no sense and he might still be abusive and he might hurt our daughter and I don't know. But he might genuinely change and it makes no sense and I'm really confused and it makes no sense. I don't know as if he has changed and will become a different person then I don't want to not give him a chance to prove it and I am so confused

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 15/04/2022 20:35

The testosterone made me do it? That's one I haven't heard before.

Bananalanacake · 15/04/2022 20:37

Who cares, you're not getting back with him

Hoppinggreen · 15/04/2022 20:38

However he chooses to live his life now it doesn’t mean his abuse of you didn’t happen

Scout2016 · 15/04/2022 20:42

There's no excuse or justification for being abusive.
He might turn out to be trans, if so he is abusive and trans.
I suspect he's playing on your bisexuality too, because he wants you to think you have common ground, that he's a vulnerable oppressed minority rather than yet another man abusing a woman.
He's trying to paint himself as the victim, as vulnerable, as someone who acted that way because they couldn't help it.
As a PP said, I bet he can help it when he wants to.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 20:44

Hormones don’t make you an abuser,

He is talking utter bollocks - it’s just another way to try snd manipulate and control you. Don’t fall for it.

PickAChew · 15/04/2022 20:49

You are not obliged to take pity on him. Keep him at a very safe distance because this "coming out" does nothing to change who he is and how he has treated you.

sjxoxo · 15/04/2022 20:53

His chosen gender is irrelevant- his behaviour has been shit - judge his character on that and that alone. x

Instantnoodles · 15/04/2022 20:54

All men have testosterone but the majority are not abusive. Testosterone isn't a free pass for abusive behaviour.

VodselForDinner · 15/04/2022 20:57

A dick in a skirt is still a dick.

AlisonDonut · 15/04/2022 21:00

I think you need to always assume this is part of the abuse, and stop getting drawn into pondering testosterone/wrong body nonsense.

He is your ex. He is abusive. Do not fall for this utter bollocks.

AngelicaElizaAndPeggy · 15/04/2022 21:05

It sounds like he has been down some dubious internet wormholes there, OP.
He's probably been told that he is loved, supported, stunning, brave, validated and affirmed by people he's never even met and may genuinely believe this is a magic bullet to make his life better. I'd be very wary, as others have said. He sounds very vulnerable.

ThreeLocusts · 15/04/2022 21:06

You ask why he would lie about being a woman. To get into your head would be my suggestion for an answer. He's trying a new tack. Keep your guard up.

Whatinthelord · 15/04/2022 21:07

He abused you. I. Assuming it was in a fairly significant or protracted way if the courts has enough evidence to justify supervised contact only for your child. Him identifying as another gender doesn’t change that. It means literally nothing.

He abused you.
He isn’t safe around your child.
His gender identity is irrelevant.

I don’t believe his behaviour or abuse will change if he transitions. I don’t believe it one bit. Even if he does change, so what the previous abuse will always be in your past, that will always affect the dynamics in your relationship.

If I were you I’d block him on everything, but one mode of written communication (eg an email or texts to a phone used only for him). Then only communicate about things relevant to contact or your child,

I sincerely hope the courts will still be strict on abuse regardless of how he IDs.

Whatinthelord · 15/04/2022 21:08

@ThreeLocusts

You ask why he would lie about being a woman. To get into your head would be my suggestion for an answer. He's trying a new tack. Keep your guard up.
It appears to be working, it’s making you confused and question your choices.
beastlyslumber · 15/04/2022 21:16

@ThreeLocusts

You ask why he would lie about being a woman. To get into your head would be my suggestion for an answer. He's trying a new tack. Keep your guard up.
This, 100%.

It's all part of his abuse.

He'll think this is a good tactic to get whatever he wants.

2DogsOnMySofa · 15/04/2022 21:17

He isn't actually asking you anything by the sounds of things. Wish him well and keep your boundaries in place. He's trying to explain away his behaviour. Plenty of people have been through the same and haven't turned into abusive arseholes.

It's not your job to fix or help him through this process

Twizbe · 15/04/2022 21:18

It's interesting it was a voice note and not a written message.

He's using this for his own abusive ends.

334bu · 15/04/2022 21:24

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

Post on this thread
.The women here know what you are going through and know just how manipulative these.men can be. Take care.

AlisonDonut · 15/04/2022 21:26

This trans get out of jail free card, is just another tactic available to abuse women. You might want to read up on DARVO. See if anything resonates.

ChairCareOh · 15/04/2022 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

WelshyMaud · 15/04/2022 21:31

Testosterone is entirely appropriate for his male body and would not have been the cause of his abuse any more than it would be for any other man..

Keep your guard up, he's trying new tactics.

Honestopinion23 · 15/04/2022 21:38

Unbelievable. OP, this is an abusive man. He may have decided that in his head he feels like a woman (what the fuck does that even mean?) but it changes nothing about who he is. He sounds like a narcissistic gaslighter who is using this shit to excuse his behaviour. If I were you I’d get your daughter away from this guy. He’s not a good father and he won’t be a good father if he starts taking estrogen.

Teddeh · 15/04/2022 21:41

This isn't specific to his being trans, but keep in mind: you broke up for VERY good reasons. This person hurt you so badly you ended your marriage and took steps to stop him seeing your daughter unsupervised. I'm sure none of that was easy, and that you must have given him many second chances and tried everything you could before leaving.

So, remember nothing has changed, and you cannot go back to where you were. Best case, your ex really has discovered something life changing and will - eventually, with extensive therapy and a lot of work - overcome some of his issues. But even if he's on the level, it's a long, long process and he's only at the very beginning. If it's even possible for you to trust him on any level again, it will take years. And you have no obligation to even try. I think this changes nothing for you: you still continue with the divorce, you still keep your daughter safe and, since he's given you some startling new information, you stay wary.

Imagine if he'd instead told you he discovered he was an alcoholic and now he'll get help. It's a change, and it seems positive on the surface - but you have no idea if his self-diagnosis is correct, if he'll stick with his plans to quit, if he'll be successful, etc. It will be years before you know. And even then, the doubts and mistrust and the memories of the painful past are still there. The idea that there's some magical explanation or cure or change - it's a fantasy. You're not even sure you believe what he's telling you. Be very wary, but go ahead and get on with your life. You can wish him luck, but you can't trust him.

TracyMosby · 15/04/2022 21:52

It is all about him isnt it! He is abusive and now he says it wasnt his fault.

said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense
No. This is wrong. The abuse happened because he is abusive. Not because of testosterone.

He is lying to you to get a more favourable outcome for him.

Crack in with divorce, ignoring him, firm boundaries, report the abuse. Anything else is his problem.
Has he actually said he is going to fully transition?

IKJ4 · 15/04/2022 22:24

@TracyMosby

It is all about him isnt it! He is abusive and now he says it wasnt his fault.

said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense
No. This is wrong. The abuse happened because he is abusive. Not because of testosterone.

He is lying to you to get a more favourable outcome for him.

Crack in with divorce, ignoring him, firm boundaries, report the abuse. Anything else is his problem.
Has he actually said he is going to fully transition?

I don't know at least he's not blaming it on me I guess you're right and he could control it and he is probably doing that He says he is going to do HRT eventually but I am not sure if he will like have surgery or anything like that
OP posts:
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