My abusive STBXH says he is trans

[IKJ4]

Hey
I recently left my abusive husband and last week I got a court order for supervised contact only with our daughter who is 2. Yesterday he sent me a voice note in which he came out as trans. I am just so confused as he is never like feminine or shown signs of being uncomfortable and I don't know it makes no sense. He hadn't admitted his abuse to me before but he admitted it and apologised and said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense. He says his drinking problems were down to him feeling depressed as he was in the wrong body. He has lied to me about quite a lot of things before and part of me thinks it is another lie especially as I am only the second person he has told apparently. But I think pretending to be a women like no one would lie about that and it just seems so bizarre and I don't know. I am bissexual and have dated a women before and he says that everything I loved about him won't change when he transitions but all the bad stuff and the abuse will go as its down to the testosterone and his depression at being in the wrong body. I know we should believe trans people and I have never ever doubted anyone coming out as trans before but part of me thinks he is just doing this to try and get me back or as he thinks it will make the courts rethink their decision for some reason. Also I am scared that they will and he won't change and I don't know as they might think now when he becomes a women he will be different and I don't know it just makes no sense and he might still be abusive and he might hurt our daughter and I don't know. But he might genuinely change and it makes no sense and I'm really confused and it makes no sense. I don't know as if he has changed and will become a different person then I don't want to not give him a chance to prove it and I am so confused

said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense

No. It doesn't make any sense at all.

He is supposed to have testosterone in his body. He is male and has a male endocrine system.

So testosterone does belong in his body.

He's just another abuser; another manipulative man.

Some of them have found that declaring themselves to be trans can be a bit of a get out of jail free card as they then identify as the most oppressed people ever, become the 'victim' and then DARVO the hell out of everyone around them.

Look you’re trying to understand something which in turn is eating you up. You don’t need to understand him. Stop giving this abuser so much thought and consideration, it is irrelevant why he thinks he was abusive. It’s more important that you’ve moved on and don’t get drawn back in for the sake of your small child.

Abusers are manipulative. Have you considered the freedom project

He says he is going to do HRT eventually

HRT? What hormones is he "replacing"?

testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense

That is total nonsense. Testosterone absolutely belongs in men's bodies, and women produce and need it too, although in smaller amount.

It is true that negative changes in behaviour can be the result if a hormonal imbalance, but if someone's abusive or nasty, this is likely a very small part of a much larger picture.

He’s trying to abuse you still, I think.
It’s working because he’s got you worried and confused now.

His argument about testosterone makes no sense otherwise all men would be abusive.

Ignore him completely
Can you block him ?
Ask him to contact you by email only?

Oh @IKJ4 I have been/am where you are, and ANY excuses for abuse are just that, excuses. So far my STBXH has tried depression (which could miraculously switch on and off), lack of sleep, his previous GF (crazy and abusive obvs), bad reaction to his medication, ADHD, yada yada yada.

It’s all bollocks, I know how hard it is to want to believe there is a good reason for your XH’s behaviour, but there is only one. He chose to do it.

Wishing you strength to get past the confusion and see him for who he really is…and for you and DD to just keep going, away from him.

By his logic all male to female trans would have abusive pasts, as would all men.
He's talking rubbish and coming up with excuses for his behaviour. Which in itself shows a complete lack of remorse or responsibility. Please don't be sucked in by it and keep him at arms length.

In your posts you sound very naive.

It doesnt matter what he identifies as- he was abusive to you and that's the reason why you broke up- if he thinks hes trans now- that's fine give him time to transition, at least 18 months.

Give your self time to heal, and work on yourself. Find time to yourself and enjoy being single.

If after 18 months you really believe hes changed, maybe restart your relationship but keep your partner at arms length- do not let them move in, keep your independence, so that if/ when it goes pear shaped you wont find it as difficult to separate.

Excellent. An abusive man

** excellent. An abusive man who will now feel entitled to using Women's spaces.

Regardless of what he says, he hasnt started HRT, he hasnt had surgery.

So he is still the same person you left.

For now give yourself time to get used to being single,

I think the only appropriate response to these revalations is “That’s nice dear” and then do not engage any further on it.

Abusers don’t stop abusing when they “transition”. Often(usually?) it becomes worse.

I’d definitely recommend the Freedom Programme, which will show you that this sudden discovery of a trans identity is just another strategy to manipulate and control you.

This person has abused you. Please do not let him back into your life, no matter what he says. You and your dc deserve better.

@roarfeckingroarr

** excellent. An abusive man who will now feel entitled to using Women's spaces.

This

An abuser could be on drugs or drunk during abuse but that doesn't give them a get-out-of-jail free card. Why should his problems excuse what he did to you? He's full of his own crap, and has got into your head for so long you can't see it. Cut him loose, he's an abuser and nothing excuses that. A leopard never changes its spots. Please get some domestic abuse support if not for yourself then for your kid. He's a manipulative abuser and he will never change.

@ThreeLocusts

You ask why he would lie about being a woman. To get into your head would be my suggestion for an answer. He's trying a new tack. Keep your guard up.

This. Please see this for the enormous red flag it is, OP.

He knows you. He knows you’re bi and so feel part of the LGBTQ community. He knows you think it’s important to “believe trans people”. He knows this is the best way to get back into your head, to make you question your decisions, to weaken your boundaries.

And it’s working. Look how confused you are already, how willing you are to believe him and accept his preposterous “explanation” for the abuse.

This is him still abusing you. This is what abusers do. You have managed to escape his control and protect your DD from him; this is him responding and trying to reel you back in, by appealing to what he knows your beliefs and values to be. He’s playing you like a fiddle. He doesn’t want you to get away from him, he wants to keep exercising control over you, because that’s what abusers do.

I can only second the suggestion upthread to do the Freedom Programme. And the one to read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That.

You have done so, so well to get away from this man and safeguard your DD; huge congratulations on that. Now you just have to recognise this for what it is and hold firm against this new attempt to abuse you. And be prepared for him to keep trying to get at you. If this plan doesn’t work, he’ll likely come up with another.

This is what abusers do.

Stay safe.

Hi, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Your ex is probably using this as a way to manipulate and control you, because that's what abusers do. It's working, because you're doubting yourself and your decision. And because you might be fooled into taking him back and allowing yourself to remain trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't fall for this.

If he is truly trans, then he can crack on with that. And if transitioning puts him in a better place emotionally and physically, that's great! And that's something he can demonstrate by being a respectful and supportive co-parent while you are separated/divorced. That will give both of you time to adjust to his new identity. If you're then meant to be together, that's a possibility in the future, but you should NEVER agree to take him back because he is pressuring you, or minimizing or excusing his previous abuse.

You can be supportive of his new identity while moving ahead with divorce. Tell him you are giving him space to settle into his new identity and decide which path he wants to take.

Oh, fuck off to him that it was not his fault he was abusive. Insulting to all the trans people who are not assholes, of which there are many. Being unhappy or in difficulty does not make you abusive to others.

Ignore the trans thing as it doesn’t actually matter. He is abusive and it’s highly unlikely that will change.

From your posts you sound lovely and seem like you want to understand what’s going on with him, but don’t waste your energy on trying to get to the bottom of things. So many people waste energy on trying to find answers to why their partners do/did things but they aren’t worth it. Why should he get to take up more emotional headspace? He’s done enough harm and taken enough of your energy. Cut him out of your life and don’t search for answers. He abused you because he is abusive and that’s all the information you need.

With regard to your DD, he must have been pretty bad in order to just get supervised contact. Please protect her as much as you can. If he does actually go down the full transition path (and remember that he doesn’t need to. He doesn’t even need to take hormones in order to be trans) is he the sort who will want to be called mum? How would that make you feel? You will know what the abuse he put you through was like. If he goes down the dark trans path, how is that going to come out in his relationship with your daughter? Unless he gets counselling for his abusive behaviour, he’ll just be an abuser on hormones.

Your STBXH was abusive. Whatever exogenous hormones your STBXH may or may not take in the future, or whatever medication he may tell you he's taking, he's responsible for everything he's done, and he's not magically a safe person.

So what if he gets prescribed hormonal therapy and takes it? If I hurt your daughter, would you trust me with her again because I'd told you I was taking the contraceptive pill (which contains oestrogen) and had changed my natural hormone levels?

@RoaringtoLangClegintheDark says it all very clearly, OP.

Please listen.

The nonsense of this T excuse is not worth engaging with and I feel this is another thing to explore in gaslighting terms.

RoaringtoLangClegintheDark writes solid sense.

Ok I just its so confusing and like what he said about he was abusive as the testosterone doesn't belong in his body does make sense and maybe after he had HRT he might be different? I don't know

Testosterone does belong in his body though, given that he’s male. He’s an abuser and a liar.

This is working rather conveniently for your ex as a means to create a new person who is wholly different from the previous person they were, who should definitely be understood as having done things they shouldn't because of these identity issues, and the new person should not have to take any consequences for something the old person did. It's a very helpful get out clause for them in many ways, that means not having to be accountable, take responsibility or ownership or do anything to repair the situation because it wasn't them, and poor them.

It's also working quite nicely to confuse you and make you doubt yourself and your understanding of what happened to you, and to be confused about holding them accountable.

This is not helping you and it's making further use of you for their own ends, without valuing you or caring about your experience, only in how it all helps them. It doesn't matter if they're gay or trans or bi or pan or furry or ace or hetero; that bit is irrelevant. What matters is that someone who treats you like this is not good relationship material.