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Original poster

My abusive STBXH says he is trans

112 replies

IKJ4 · 15/04/2022 19:27

Hey
I recently left my abusive husband and last week I got a court order for supervised contact only with our daughter who is 2. Yesterday he sent me a voice note in which he came out as trans. I am just so confused as he is never like feminine or shown signs of being uncomfortable and I don't know it makes no sense. He hadn't admitted his abuse to me before but he admitted it and apologised and said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense. He says his drinking problems were down to him feeling depressed as he was in the wrong body. He has lied to me about quite a lot of things before and part of me thinks it is another lie especially as I am only the second person he has told apparently. But I think pretending to be a women like no one would lie about that and it just seems so bizarre and I don't know. I am bissexual and have dated a women before and he says that everything I loved about him won't change when he transitions but all the bad stuff and the abuse will go as its down to the testosterone and his depression at being in the wrong body. I know we should believe trans people and I have never ever doubted anyone coming out as trans before but part of me thinks he is just doing this to try and get me back or as he thinks it will make the courts rethink their decision for some reason. Also I am scared that they will and he won't change and I don't know as they might think now when he becomes a women he will be different and I don't know it just makes no sense and he might still be abusive and he might hurt our daughter and I don't know. But he might genuinely change and it makes no sense and I'm really confused and it makes no sense. I don't know as if he has changed and will become a different person then I don't want to not give him a chance to prove it and I am so confused

OP posts:
LouOver · 15/04/2022 19:31

He cannot identify out of being an abuser, you need to remind yourself of this and if he is truly transitioning this doesn't not erase his past actions. They do not get a fresh start, even if in the future your gaslighted by other people to accept that. They own what they've done and any safeguarding you have in place for your daughter remains.

caecilius1 · 15/04/2022 19:35

@LouOver
Absolutely spot on advice.

CheesePleaseLoueese · 15/04/2022 19:35

@LouOver

He cannot identify out of being an abuser, you need to remind yourself of this and if he is truly transitioning this doesn't not erase his past actions. They do not get a fresh start, even if in the future your gaslighted by other people to accept that. They own what they've done and any safeguarding you have in place for your daughter remains.
Fully agree with the above. There are so many warning signs here. Please give him a wide berth and (continue to) focus on your daughter and yourself. Good luck.
Original poster
IKJ4 · 15/04/2022 19:36

@LouOver

He cannot identify out of being an abuser, you need to remind yourself of this and if he is truly transitioning this doesn't not erase his past actions. They do not get a fresh start, even if in the future your gaslighted by other people to accept that. They own what they've done and any safeguarding you have in place for your daughter remains.
Ok I just its so confusing and like what he said about he was abusive as the testosterone doesn't belong in his body does make sense and maybe after he had HRT he might be different? I don't know
OP posts:
Opentooffers · 15/04/2022 19:37

You've already split with him, so just bide your time. Whether he's telling the truth or just jumping on a bandwagon to suit his own ends will become evident in time. Meanwhile, treat him the same, as a person who abused you, whatever sex he/she/ they is, is irrelevant.

Rinatinabina · 15/04/2022 19:39

Women have testosterone too. He’s a shit regardless of how he identifies. I’m sure there are trans people who have managed to never abuse anyone regardless of how they felt.

WhatNoReally · 15/04/2022 19:40

He's talking absolute bollocks. Basically saying 'the testosterone made me do it'. Not sure what the vast majority of non-abusive men would make of that!

KnightonShiningArmour · 15/04/2022 19:40

OP, it’s a get out of jail free card for narcissistic abusers. Look at the trans widows threads - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

You can’t be born in the wrong body. He’s chosen to be an abuser. Run for the hills.

Jackdawface · 15/04/2022 19:41

Treat it as separate op. Wish him well I uppose but it does not excuse the behaviour and don’t take him back/lower boundaries.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 15/04/2022 19:43

Women have testosterone in their bodies as well. Plenty of men are not abusers despite their testosterone levels so what he's saying makes zero sense. You've done the hard, valuable, self preserving part of breaking away from an abusive person. Don't get sucked back in.

LauriePartridge4Eva · 15/04/2022 19:44

Testosterone DOES belong in the male body. There is no such thing as being born in the wrong body - he is manipulating you to feel sorry for him so you lower your safeguards. DON'T!

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 15/04/2022 19:44

Don't fall for it OP. He's using the trans card to avoid the consequences of his actions. He be shouting transphobia about anything you do from now on and the gullible will fall for it. He abused you. Never forget that. He is responsible for his actions, like the rest of us.

Opentooffers · 15/04/2022 19:44

I've got polycistic ovaries, more testosterone than your average female, but I don't go around abusing people. It's likely a cop out for atrocious behaviour and not a valid excuse, because there are no valid reasons in existence to abuse, it's unacceptable end of.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 15/04/2022 19:45

Good lord, this is a new one on me 'the testosterone made me do it'! What a load of crap, OP, keep your boundaries and keep your guard up. Plenty of trans people struggle with gender dysphoria and manage not to abuse those around them.

Their confusion may go someway to explain some of the behaviour but this is no excuse to behave abusively. Abusers choose to be abusive. Please remember that.

Felicity42 · 15/04/2022 19:48

Most women suffer from PMT that makes us more irritable, angry and emotional. We don't go around abusing our partners because of that. If he was aware of his abuse of you before, why did he not do anything about it then?
The trans issue is a massive distraction technique to lure you away from your needs, and oh funny enough, bring the situation back to him and create a big drama around him. Where he is the victim of a cruel life. Sound familiar?

onlymyselftoanswerto1 · 15/04/2022 19:51

Was he nasty and abusive to his boss or his friends or regular people in the street? I'm guessing not, and therefore the abuse of you was a choice, not a hormone. They are two separate issues. And even on the offchance he WAS abusive to other people besides you - that's still a choice, everyone has testosterone in their bodies, they aren't all abusive.

I get that you are confused but he's trying it on OP. Sending you a hug as it sounds like you could do with one!

Toomanyradishes · 15/04/2022 19:52

Personally what I think your ex has said is insulting to all those trans people who have managed not to be abusive arseholes

layladomino · 15/04/2022 19:53

He is manipulating you. Even if he's telling the truth, he's still an abuser. It doesn't make it OK.

Testosterone doesn't mean you can't help yourself being abusive.

It doesn't make you abuse people.

He is an abuser. He's just managed to find a way of explainng why you should accept it.

Original poster
IKJ4 · 15/04/2022 19:54

I don't know as it is right that testosterone does change things and does make him react to things differently and also like why would someone lie about being a woman and he would have to change every aspect of his life? Like I don't know I guess I am not going to change unless like he really shows it has changed but it makes no sense I don't know

OP posts:
SexiestDogWalker · 15/04/2022 19:56

This is more common than it should be. Not because they're trans. Because they're looking for an excuse and preferential treatment from the law.

I have a friend who is going through this right now with her abusive ex. Hers is likely to go to prison and he has suddenly decided to identify as a woman, his reasons being twofold. One, if he goes to prison he can choose which one 😑
Two, his crimes (he imagines) won't be attached to his birth name in the local press

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2022 20:18

said that the abuse happened because testosterone doesn't belong in his body which does kinda make sense

It doesn’t make sense.

Wish him well with his transition but do not get involved any further with him. Keep your boundaries.

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2022 20:18

It’s totally irrelevant to you if he changes his identity. He treated you like shit and he has no place in your life. It’s just a way for him to take no blame or ownership of his abuse.

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2022 20:21

“Testosterone doesn’t belong in my body” is actually laughable. Many of us women struggle with moods and hormones, doesn’t make us abusive.

rwalker · 15/04/2022 20:25

A lot of his behaviour may of been caused by inner turmoil not testosterone but that ship has now sailed .
Keep your guard up ,watch this space and build a new life for yourself .

AnnaMagnani · 15/04/2022 20:32

He is just continuing his abuse of you in another way.

You clearly have a kind nature and he exploits that as you continue to try to believe the best, despite his always being the worst.

Transwomen offend like males - changing his hormones, which he hasn't even started to do, and likely won't for years, even if he does at all, will make no difference.

He is just continuing to mess with your head. The only response needed is 'Thank-you for the information' and then carry on with the divorce and supervised contact only.

His transition is not your problem.

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