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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I support my partner when he can’t see his children but sees mine?

126 replies

bluebell2389 · 14/04/2022 19:42

My partner is currently going through court to gain access to his 2 children as his ex wife stopped contact. His children are 5 and 2 I have 2 children age 7 and 10. All girls. My ex is accepting of my partner and being around my girls and my girls have a fab bond with him. He is however struggling with no seeing his and although doing everything to gain access I don’t know how to support him for the best of what to do? Has anyone been in a similar situation and able to offer advice as I’m at a bit of a loss and just want to be as supportive as I can.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 14/04/2022 23:50

How long have you known him and why has she stopped access?

AHungryCaterpillar · 14/04/2022 23:51

Why has she stopped it?

TracyMosby · 14/04/2022 23:54

Yes another asking why has she stopped access. He has a very young child. How ling have you been together? How serious is this? For how much of that has he been seeing your children?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 15/04/2022 00:15

All you can do is check how he is feeling, tell him how bad you feel and continue to be available for him to talk to. Dont feel you have to offer advice or solve the problem - just being there to support him and talk if and when he wants to is really helpful.

lesgalettes · 15/04/2022 05:28

Do you mean 5 and 12? If his youngest is 2, I'd be worried about the quick timeframe of his separation, divorce and then him having a fab bond with your DDs.

VeganGod · 15/04/2022 05:37

His youngest is only 2, yet he’s found time to have a relationship with you and already build a good bond with your children. I wonder why his ex might have concerns about his suitability as a father. If he does get to see them, no doubt you’ll all try to be one big blended family within a few weeks. I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to him or that situation either.

MintyMoocow · 15/04/2022 06:00

Oh FFS, OP asked a question. Why not answer it? Instead of laying into someone you know nothing about, just because he is a MAN!

BuanoKubiamVej · 15/04/2022 06:20

Lots of alarm bells ringing here.

If a man is a good dad who is being unreasonably denied access to his children by a vindictive and hateful ex who is using access to the kids as a weapon - then that man simply does not immediately on such a short timescale that the youngest child is still 2, get so deep into a new relationship as to be having a great bond with his new partner's children.

Good parents put the needs of their children first, and are very cautious about new relationships, and do not start trying to cultivate a blended family until they are absolutely sure that a new relationship is long-term.

It's impossible to say from the info in the OP what is actually going on but my advice to you OP is that they best way to support him is to tell him he needs to prioritise his kids wellbeing over his own relationship with you. He needs to set up his life so that he is fully able to share time with his children without you and your kids on the scene (ie he needs his own place with appropriate sleeping arrangements) and needs to apply to the courts for access. If the 2yo barely knows him this access will be very gradual at first. He can still do dates with you but these must not nterfere with or overlap with his contact time with his children when that happens.

After a couple of years of that kind of setup funtioning well, it could be reasonable to start integrating your family lives, if your own relationship with him is still strong over that timescale.

Clymene · 15/04/2022 06:32

@MintyMoocow

Oh FFS, OP asked a question. Why not answer it? Instead of laying into someone you know nothing about, just because he is a MAN!
Because she's not asking the right question
knittingaddict · 15/04/2022 06:35

@MintyMoocow

Oh FFS, OP asked a question. Why not answer it? Instead of laying into someone you know nothing about, just because he is a MAN!
Because it's relevant.

My ex son in law didn't see his children for about 6 months and then had supervised for a few months. He was abusive. Presumably his new partner is ok with this since she has her own children and is happy to be with him. Did he tell her the truth? I highly doubt it.

greyspottedgoose · 15/04/2022 06:42

I can't see an issue with the youngest being "only two" the parents could have split very early in the pregnancy and the daughter be closer to three.
As long as he has been a good dad to them in that time what issue is there if he has started a new relationship and bonded with his partners children?

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 06:52

You can't do much to help with the emotional stuff - it's shit. But is he doing the practical stuff like putting money aside for them, buying birthday and Xmas presents etc that he can give when he does get to see them again?

Presumably he's paying maintenance?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/04/2022 07:49

I just split with someone who had similar
I don’t know why acess stopped so suddenly
It all was very toxic and weird
He was so anxious about it made Him ill

I think you are younger and less bruised by life than me
But it’s a major red flag 🚩

NCFT2022 · 15/04/2022 07:54

@BuanoKubiamVej

Lots of alarm bells ringing here.

If a man is a good dad who is being unreasonably denied access to his children by a vindictive and hateful ex who is using access to the kids as a weapon - then that man simply does not immediately on such a short timescale that the youngest child is still 2, get so deep into a new relationship as to be having a great bond with his new partner's children.

Good parents put the needs of their children first, and are very cautious about new relationships, and do not start trying to cultivate a blended family until they are absolutely sure that a new relationship is long-term.

It's impossible to say from the info in the OP what is actually going on but my advice to you OP is that they best way to support him is to tell him he needs to prioritise his kids wellbeing over his own relationship with you. He needs to set up his life so that he is fully able to share time with his children without you and your kids on the scene (ie he needs his own place with appropriate sleeping arrangements) and needs to apply to the courts for access. If the 2yo barely knows him this access will be very gradual at first. He can still do dates with you but these must not nterfere with or overlap with his contact time with his children when that happens.

After a couple of years of that kind of setup funtioning well, it could be reasonable to start integrating your family lives, if your own relationship with him is still strong over that timescale.

This
FrangipaniBlue · 15/04/2022 08:02

@greyspottedgoose

I can't see an issue with the youngest being "only two" the parents could have split very early in the pregnancy and the daughter be closer to three. As long as he has been a good dad to them in that time what issue is there if he has started a new relationship and bonded with his partners children?
This is what I was thinking......

The youngest could be 2, but about to turn 3.....

They could've split up while she was pregnant.......

That's nearly a 4 year timespan in which he could've met the OP!!!

Or he could just be an arsehole who's jumped straight into a new relationship.

So many unknowns yet so many assumptions being made instead of just answering the OPs question Confused

Bananalanacake · 15/04/2022 08:11

You support him by giving him lots of space and time to sort it out himself. Don't let him move in with you, but that goes without saying.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/04/2022 08:13

Take a huge step back. A parent who is not allowed unsupervised contact with his very young children is not someone you want to get close to your kids at this point. Maybe in the future when he gets his contact sorted. You won't know his situation, you will know his version of events. I agree, if he has a tiny 2 year old, that should be his focus, sorting it all out before putting himself out there for a serious relationship and draining all your time and energy, which should be going into you and your children. You can date him separately to your children if you really want to, but otherwise don't have him as part of the family just yet

Clymene · 15/04/2022 08:18

But if he's not allowed unsupervised contact with his children @FrangipaniBlue then it would be remiss of posters to advise on how to support him.

We simply don't have enough information

Original poster
bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 08:24

She left him over a year ago for someone else and moved her new partner in 2 days after they split.

She stopped access 2 months after they split as they had an argument about finances and when he went to collect his children she refused him access and has ever since so he instructed a solicitor and applied to court. She stopped not only him but also his entire family.

We have been together 6 months but I’ve known him for 12 years. He met my children as my partner properly a couple of months ago as my children are older and live with me full time. I sat them down and gave them the choice to meet him when they wanted too.

I’m aware to some the father must have done something to be stopped but in some cases that’s not always the truth.

He wasn’t gonna storm in her house and take his kids and upset them so he tried for a few months to see them and she refused so he applied to court.

He’s gone down the legal route but his next hearing isn’t until July as cafcass have a back log due to covid.

So my question wasn’t about his access but more as his partner how best to support. He doesn’t live with me we see him a couple of times a week but my children get on well with him.

OP posts:
Rememberitwell · 15/04/2022 08:26

Does your partner live with you and your children?

Rememberitwell · 15/04/2022 08:27

Cross post there.

IhateJan22 · 15/04/2022 08:29

It’s Mumsnet, there is no way the ex-partner could be in the wrong here, mothers don’t stop fathers seeing their children out of spite, you’ll be told to LTB soon.

All you can do is be there for him and listen to him when he needs to vent. It’s a lengthy process but he needs to not give up.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/04/2022 08:32

So she would rather have her tiny children every single weekend and never ever have a break, than allow him contact? I call bullshit on his version of events. Also don't give your children the responsibility of whether they have contact with your romantic partner who you know is not allowed contact with his own children. You're the adult. You make those decisions. You should decide to wait imo but you do you. To support him take everything he says with a huge dose of salt. Mediation is usually a first step. This doesn't have to happen if there is domestic abuse, so the fact they've skipped mediation and gone straight to court suggests a possibility of domestic violence as opposed to a falling out over finances

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 15/04/2022 08:34

One child is school age - surely he can still be seeing that child through school events and school days? And can turn up at a regular pick up time each week in a non threatening or combative manner to wait to pick up said child with his ex (which might also allow him time to see the 2 year old).

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/04/2022 08:35

The advice my (male !) psych gave me was
Let him vent
Don’t give advice
Gently change subject when it becomes wearying

Look I have a psycho ex , so men can have them too !

My issue was how much it impacted his mental health
It was too much for me x