Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I support my partner when he can’t see his children but sees mine?

126 replies

bluebell2389 · 14/04/2022 19:42

My partner is currently going through court to gain access to his 2 children as his ex wife stopped contact. His children are 5 and 2 I have 2 children age 7 and 10. All girls. My ex is accepting of my partner and being around my girls and my girls have a fab bond with him. He is however struggling with no seeing his and although doing everything to gain access I don’t know how to support him for the best of what to do? Has anyone been in a similar situation and able to offer advice as I’m at a bit of a loss and just want to be as supportive as I can.

OP posts:
ahsan · 16/04/2022 23:31

Im sorry but its funny how everyone leaves him. Dont buy whats being said she moved a man in two days after he left im sorry but if her child is two I have a two year you met him 6 months ago that would have been one and a half what time would she have with a 6 month or 1 year old for cheating. This is complete bull and lies. Women are too tired for men at this point and are hardly interested in sex. To say shes gone out formed a relationship and moved him in is lies. Your man is lying properly dumped her while she was pregnant. Hes a nasty piece of work id run for the hills

ahsan · 16/04/2022 23:34

My exe cheated on me dumped me while I was pregnant and guess what hes blames it all on me its to rid any guilt these heartless men have. Its a massive red flag and id run while I still could. Her exe boyfriend isnt a reliable source as all exes swear at each other so id dismiss that

Original poster
bluebell2389 · 17/04/2022 11:29

@ahsan

Im sorry but its funny how everyone leaves him. Dont buy whats being said she moved a man in two days after he left im sorry but if her child is two I have a two year you met him 6 months ago that would have been one and a half what time would she have with a 6 month or 1 year old for cheating. This is complete bull and lies. Women are too tired for men at this point and are hardly interested in sex. To say shes gone out formed a relationship and moved him in is lies. Your man is lying properly dumped her while she was pregnant. Hes a nasty piece of work id run for the hills
He definitely didn’t leave her while pregnant. He didn’t want his marriage to end. She met someone else while they were together after their daughter was born. She’s openly admitted this. Like I say I’ve spoke to both parties and I know them both before I got with him.

I left my ex for no one else other than the relationship faulted. But he blames me for everything that’s gone wrong in his life and was seeing someone behind me back which later came out.

But women can also be the guilty party it’s not always men.

I’ve been on both sides but I’m happy in my relationship and will support my partner I was just asking advice on how given the situation 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebell2389 · 17/04/2022 11:32

@ahsan

My exe cheated on me dumped me while I was pregnant and guess what hes blames it all on me its to rid any guilt these heartless men have. Its a massive red flag and id run while I still could. Her exe boyfriend isnt a reliable source as all exes swear at each other so id dismiss that
Again I had this happen to me. But in his case I’ve spoken directly with her. He didn’t want his marriage to end and would have done anything regardless of how she treated him.

She left him and moved someone else in around his children. He met me romantically a fair while after all this had happened.

I know it can happen and it does as I have also had it happen to me but in this situation after speaking to the horse directly meaning her. I have the picture pretty clear from both sides.

I was asking advice on supporting him, I will not be leaving him as it’s not our relationship that’s in question.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 17/04/2022 12:13

I would say to be supportive then not to allow his court case to dominate every conversation. I met a couple who were going through a similar situation and the father was legitimately going through hell, but my goodness me he used up all the oxygen with it. It's great that he's going to a men's support group, good for him. Do nice stuff together when you can, that way your new relationship isn't all about his past old one. Build up new positive experiences together and his ex wife's shenanigans will become ridiculous as he becomes stronger. That thing about living your best life being the best form of revenge, embody that. Not that revenge is needed of course, but it gives him his power back.

layladomino · 17/04/2022 16:31

It's pretty shocking how many posters have cherry-picked statements, made up 'facts' and assumed a narrative that means he is obviously an abusive / cheating / deserting father who lies and has been legally denied access to his children.

From the Op's posts, none of that is true. Can we not just give her advice based on the facts as she's given them? Sometimes posts do raise alarm bells and you realise there may be a subtext the Op isn't sharing or hasn't yet realised, but in this case I don't see it.

Women can be in the wrong as well as men.
Women can cheat.
They can use their children as weapons. They can keep children from their dad for no reason other than to hurt him.

If he wasn't pushing for access through a legal route I'd be questionning him too. If he's left his wife for Op while his wife was pregnant I'd have less sympathy (although still not OK to use children as weapons).

He was cheated on. He wants to see his children. His wife won't let him. He's pursuing this through the courts. Op wants to know how to support him.

Anything else is just made up by posters to fit the narrative that the man must be in the wrong.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 17/04/2022 17:31

Be careful telling people you have read the court paperwork. These are meant to be private, I'm pretty sure it's a criminal offence showing them to others, esp as you have no need to read them.

Original poster
bluebell2389 · 26/09/2022 17:56

To let everyone know he’s got access now and all is well :) and we are still going strong.

thank you for all your kind words at the start was much appreciated :) x

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 26/09/2022 18:52

bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 08:24

She left him over a year ago for someone else and moved her new partner in 2 days after they split.

She stopped access 2 months after they split as they had an argument about finances and when he went to collect his children she refused him access and has ever since so he instructed a solicitor and applied to court. She stopped not only him but also his entire family.

We have been together 6 months but I’ve known him for 12 years. He met my children as my partner properly a couple of months ago as my children are older and live with me full time. I sat them down and gave them the choice to meet him when they wanted too.

I’m aware to some the father must have done something to be stopped but in some cases that’s not always the truth.

He wasn’t gonna storm in her house and take his kids and upset them so he tried for a few months to see them and she refused so he applied to court.

He’s gone down the legal route but his next hearing isn’t until July as cafcass have a back log due to covid.

So my question wasn’t about his access but more as his partner how best to support. He doesn’t live with me we see him a couple of times a week but my children get on well with him.

So he says

Gotmynewshoes · 26/09/2022 20:44

Glad to read your update OP

Otterhound · 26/09/2022 20:51

Great news. I’m also glad to hear you proved all twats wrong.
onwards and upwards!

Darbs76 · 26/09/2022 20:53

bluebell2389 · 26/09/2022 17:56

To let everyone know he’s got access now and all is well :) and we are still going strong.

thank you for all your kind words at the start was much appreciated :) x

Great news. Literally just been reading the comments on here open mouthed. People literally twisting everything you said re-writing the narrative into something completely different. How sad

CakeIsNotAvailable · 26/09/2022 23:22

bluebell2389 · 26/09/2022 17:56

To let everyone know he’s got access now and all is well :) and we are still going strong.

thank you for all your kind words at the start was much appreciated :) x

So glad you got a good outcome. My husband has had a very similar situation with his ex so I don't doubt your account for a second - sadly, sometimes mothers do deny access inappropriately. I'm really glad that you're still happy together and I hope his child contact is going well.

totallyoutnumbered · 27/09/2022 08:28

Really glad to read your update x

PurpleWisteria · 27/09/2022 08:38

Great update. Hope the critics and doubters feel as stupid as they now look.

NoMatchingLastNames · 22/11/2022 16:17

I have literally just signed up - was about to post for some advice and caught this post in a search. ……

Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans - I don’t think I’ll ever consider an online forum again. Some of the comments here were brutal to say the least. I can happily log out and forget I ever thought it was a good idea.

I was glad to get to the end and see your update though @bluebell2389

all the best for the future
x

fruitbrewhaha · 22/11/2022 16:42

How do you support him? By listening and talking things over. I'm not sure why you'd need to ask really. It's the same way you can support anyone. However, you really ned to look after yourself too. It's all very messy and stressful and doesn't bode well for a new relationship. You have just started dating, it should be fun, not reading through court documents. I'd probably throw this one back until he sorts all this out and has built some stability for his children.

fruitbrewhaha · 22/11/2022 16:44

Oh %^& he's sorted it. Good for him. I hope things work out, but take care of yourself.

Talon01 · 22/11/2022 17:11

TheBigDilemma · 15/04/2022 08:44

Op, I always said that whenever a man had no contact with his children, there were 99% of the times reasons for him not to have it or he was not really bothered but…

There is that 1% when a mum is vindictive, jealous or plainly unreasonable and uses the children as pawns. What I would remind him in this case is that the court would always try to protect the contact with both parents and I can tell you that even if a parent is violent, inestable, on drugs or whatever other nasty behaviour the court would still protect contact as long as the behaviour is not aimed to the children, the worst that could happen is to get supervised contact until they can trust him to have it on his own.

The only thing that I would say is that if the court says “no”, listen, a court never says no unless there is irrefutable proof that the parent is a sure and imminent danger to his children and this often involves the children ending up in hospital with serious injuries the parent cannot deny.

If he is normally a nice person and good parent his chances for regular unsupervised contact to be resumed are very very high. It is just about surviving the stress a court process brings without loosing the plot. If you want to help him, build up his strength and be positive, the worst thing you can do is to tell him things like “how could they do this to you?”, “poor you” and all that well intentioned rubbish that could disempower him by making him see himself as a victim and make him more vulnerable at court. He needs to keep a clear mind and a level head to go through this.

1%

The bull shit you read on this forum

GetThatHelmetOn · 22/11/2022 17:15

There are a lot of vindictive women who use children as pawns, no matter how nice and respectable they may appear BUT the chances of keeping an interested dad away from his children are remarkably low… if the dad is prepared to fight that battle. Some are simply not.

Talon01 · 22/11/2022 18:07

OP you need to empathise and also be objective as many men make the mistake of getting riled which is what the ex wants.

Keep communication amicable as possible, clear and to a minimum.

Jump through the hoops and get the allegations thrown out. Ultimately a vindictive ex will be left in a situation where they have to compromise. Your partner needs to keep sight of that. Having been through the process it's tough. Best of luck!

Talon01 · 22/11/2022 18:11

Sorry missed the update. Well done!

Original poster
bluebell2389 · 29/11/2023 03:02

Thank you.

he actually won his court case and now has the children 40/60.

some mothers actually are vindictive and in his case it was proven.

I hope some of the commenters on this read the update.

we now have 4 happy and healthy children and a very strong relationship and it was all worth it :) x

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 29/11/2023 03:24

You mentioned he has mental issues? What are they?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 29/11/2023 05:50

I honestly think you should do a Claire's law request. Just to be on the safe side.