How can I support my partner when he can’t see his children but sees mine?

[bluebell2389]

My partner is currently going through court to gain access to his 2 children as his ex wife stopped contact. His children are 5 and 2 I have 2 children age 7 and 10. All girls. My ex is accepting of my partner and being around my girls and my girls have a fab bond with him. He is however struggling with no seeing his and although doing everything to gain access I don’t know how to support him for the best of what to do? Has anyone been in a similar situation and able to offer advice as I’m at a bit of a loss and just want to be as supportive as I can.

No he doesn’t and that is definitely not on the cards.

For reference I also know his ex wife through her boyfriend before him. She is manipulative and vindictive and also had multiple affairs in all of her relationships.

He does pay maintenance every week to her and he’s sent them presents for birthday and Christmas.

She sent him pictures of the eldest on her birthday saying she had a good day and then blocked him.

I completely understand I didn’t relay a lot of information regarding their separation in my post because I didn’t think it was relevant to my question.

He is a decent person, that had a bad break up and she’s playing god. He’s only been able to get his things out of the house in the last 2 weeks and she gave him a 30 min time slot after asking through his solicitor since august.

He has a good job, a loving family and he adores his kids they are his world.

I have no intention of being involved with his children yet, I will of course take a step back when he gets access.

But again that was not my question it was purely how to support him and any advice given the situation.

I was with my ex partner for 10 years and he didn’t see my girls for over a year through his choice. I never held it against him and he has access now and we are civil.

There’s no chance of us “extending” our family as i had a hysterectomy 2 years ago for cervical cancer.

Before anyone suggest that 😂.

I’m just trying to be a supportive girlfriend and speak to people that have been in similar situations.

Op, I always said that whenever a man had no contact with his children, there were 99% of the times reasons for him not to have it or he was not really bothered but…

There is that 1% when a mum is vindictive, jealous or plainly unreasonable and uses the children as pawns. What I would remind him in this case is that the court would always try to protect the contact with both parents and I can tell you that even if a parent is violent, inestable, on drugs or whatever other nasty behaviour the court would still protect contact as long as the behaviour is not aimed to the children, the worst that could happen is to get supervised contact until they can trust him to have it on his own.

The only thing that I would say is that if the court says “no”, listen, a court never says no unless there is irrefutable proof that the parent is a sure and imminent danger to his children and this often involves the children ending up in hospital with serious injuries the parent cannot deny.

If he is normally a nice person and good parent his chances for regular unsupervised contact to be resumed are very very high. It is just about surviving the stress a court process brings without loosing the plot. If you want to help him, build up his strength and be positive, the worst thing you can do is to tell him things like “how could they do this to you?”, “poor you” and all that well intentioned rubbish that could disempower him by making him see himself as a victim and make him more vulnerable at court. He needs to keep a clear mind and a level head to go through this.

@bluebell2389

She left him over a year ago for someone else and moved her new partner in 2 days after they split.

She stopped access 2 months after they split as they had an argument about finances and when he went to collect his children she refused him access and has ever since so he instructed a solicitor and applied to court. She stopped not only him but also his entire family.

We have been together 6 months but I’ve known him for 12 years. He met my children as my partner properly a couple of months ago as my children are older and live with me full time. I sat them down and gave them the choice to meet him when they wanted too.

I’m aware to some the father must have done something to be stopped but in some cases that’s not always the truth.

He wasn’t gonna storm in her house and take his kids and upset them so he tried for a few months to see them and she refused so he applied to court.

He’s gone down the legal route but his next hearing isn’t until July as cafcass have a back log due to covid.

So my question wasn’t about his access but more as his partner how best to support. He doesn’t live with me we see him a couple of times a week but my children get on well with him.

Does all that info come straight from him?

Or from other sources?

Do you ever, ever wonder why - irrespective of what he says - he's not allowed access to his kids?

Maybe a Claire's Law application through the police would help to answer some of these questions.

Other sources and him. I’ve spoken with her directly also I do know her.

I’ve seen the court documentation. He attends a club for men with mental health. As it was getting too much for him. She has put in her documentation that his mental health is a concern because he attends this group and because he lives with his mum and dad.

He had no choice but to live with his mum and dad as he couldn’t afford to rent somewhere when he was tied to her house plus his court fees and solicitor fees. He is looking for his own house but financially he’s crippled at the minute.

They have done mediation, no agreement was made to it was suggested to court.

Again I’ve seen the documents he’s really not hidden anything from me. He’s no angel, of course he was upset when she moved someone else in days after they split. But they just can’t come to an agreement between them for the kids.

He’s doing everything he can legally to gain access. There’s literally nothing more he can do.

This stuck out particularly from OP's recent post:

"I was with my ex partner for 10 years and he didn’t see my girls for over a year through his choice. I never held it against him and he has access now and we are civil."

You never held it against your ex that he CHOSE not to see his own kids for a year?

WTAF??!!

Looks like you have previous form for putting abusive twatty men above your kids' needs.

I mean I never stopped his access. I absolutely do not put any man above my children. When I left him (by the way) I made sure my kids were okay. I’ve always left the door open for him to see his children because I ain’t playing god. He now has a stable relationship with the children and I don’t hold it against him and stop him seeing them is what I meant ☺️

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

So she would rather have her tiny children every single weekend and never ever have a break, than allow him contact? I call bullshit on his version of events. Also don't give your children the responsibility of whether they have contact with your romantic partner who you know is not allowed contact with his own children. You're the adult. You make those decisions. You should decide to wait imo but you do you. To support him take everything he says with a huge dose of salt. Mediation is usually a first step. This doesn't have to happen if there is domestic abuse, so the fact they've skipped mediation and gone straight to court suggests a possibility of domestic violence as opposed to a falling out over finances

That sounds very plausible from my second hand, but close experience of family court proceedings.

He chose to marry and have children with this woman. He's now left the family home and started a relationship with you. They haven't had mediation. He's not allowed contact. Paying child maintenance and buying presents for his children doesn't go into his "pros" column. Of course he should be doing that regardless of how he feels about the person he chose to be the mother of his children. If all is as he says it is he will get unsupervised contact through court. In the meantime, clear up the he sees my kids issue by ...not involving your kids in your romantic relationship. I believe women and hell would freeze over before I took a man's word for the reasons he can't see his little children, especially if he was badmouthing the mother of his children. A woman he chose to impregnate 3 years ago..

You haven’t read my post clearly.

She left him. He didn’t chose to leave his marriage.

I haven’t taken his word I’ve seen the documentation on both sides.

I’ve known him years. We didn’t expect our friendship to turn romantic but it did this was a good while after his wife left him for someone else. Not the other way around.

My children live with me and are older. They aren’t stupid. I was on my own for a good couple of years and he’s the first person they’ve met as my partner.

There’s no issue with my children, him, my ex nothing.

As I said he is doing everything he can, mediation was tried and unsuccessful. Yes I know how that works too as I also took my ex to mediation so again I haven’t gone in to this blind in anyway.

I do have all the information and I’ve seen it all in black and white. Her concerns and his and her reasons and her reasons have been as he lives with mum and dad and her concerns over his mental health because he attends a mental health group for men.

If I thought any of this was relevant to asking advice on how to support him I would of posted it in the first instance.

But my original question still stands on how to support.

I’m aware this is mumsnet but mums ain’t always the innocent party where contact with the kids are. Some like to use it as a form of control which she is doing ☺️

With the statistics on DV and the amount of women who are forced to send thier children to their abusers, is it really worth the risk having this man around your children right now?

@Clymene

But if he's not allowed unsupervised contact with his children *@FrangipaniBlue* then it would be remiss of posters to advise on how to support him.

We simply don't have enough information

Totally agree with @Clymene posts

You say your kids are older and not stupid - but they are primary school age so are vulnerable
We dont know why your boyfriend is not allowed to see his own kids but of course the scenario u describe would make mothers heckles stand up to protect their own kids from a man deemed to not be suitable to see his own kids ……

Gosh.

I know at times MN is stuck brutally to the line the SM must always be on the wrong and men are all likely to be in the wrong but this thread is something else.

The OP has known this man and his ex for over a decade. I'm pretty sure most of us would trust someone we've known that long?

This situation doesn't point to abuse in the usual way.

A woman moved her new partner in after kicking her old one out. She is having the house still half paid for and maintenance. The father is being financially crippled to be able see his children.

I've seen this happen many a time. Most of the time the fathers genuinely just want to see their children and be a father.

OP - all you can do is listen to him and support. Get him to keep to facts when he does these applications and keep the emotion from it.

Common sense tells you she has no reason to use her children as a form of control. She has a new partner, she'd probably like to go on a date with him at the weekend, and recharge her batteries, but instead she feels she must have her children with her and let her ex take her to court for contact. What would she be getting out of that? She's blocked him so she's not looking for a reaction from him. She also chose to exit the marriage shortly after giving birth, you haven't been specific about the timeline, but I can't imagine how difficult that is. You trust him far too much. Just because you've known him years doesn't mean you know how he behaved in his marriage.

He's an adult, can he not seek the help and support he may need himself? If you have a mutually respectful and supportive relationship, is this not sufficient? You're not his mum. I'd focus on your own family.

There was NO domestic violence. Stated by her and by him. Her concerns are his living situation and his mental health because he attends a group for men with mental health.

I’ve seen the documentation from him filing and her response.

So yes I do think my relationship is worth it. I absolutely would not put my children in a domestic violence situation or be with someone in this situation without knowing all the facts.

She stopped access. Used his group attendance and living situation as a reason and he applied to court for access and waiting for the next hearing.

But until then cafcass have apologised as they have a back log due to covid so it’s taking longer than it would have pre covid.

Sometimes mothers can be the party in the wrong when they don’t get their own way.

I also forgot to mention contact stopped after her new relationship fell through.

She’s also has a good family support so she isn’t stuck with the kids as they go to their other grandparents every other weekend.

She cheated on him multiple times in the relationship and each time he took her back. This time he didn’t and he stayed on his own and met me romantically a good while after.

She was happy for him to have the kids when she had her partner and then when that fell through and she demanded more money and he refused she said he couldn’t see them (yes I’ve seen the proof of the message exchange between them).

So I think I’ve cleared everything up that everyone was asking. Apologies if it’s in reply to some comments I wasn’t expecting to lay out his life story for advice on how to support him 😂

What does 'He's no angel, of course he was upset' mean?

Sounds like he’s done a good job on you OP. You’re 6 months into a relationship and he’s so desperate to prove he’s the ‘goodie’and she’s the ‘baddie’ that he’s sharing documents and messages between them with you. I bet you’re only seeing the ones he’s cherry picking. I feel sorry for all the kids, it’s a very fucked up situation and not a sensible parent to be seen.

She demanded more money? Ok, but having her children all the time costs her more money, so again, common sense tells you this isn't the whole back story. However, if she really is this the malignant force of evil you're portraying, the advice still stands at keeping him away from your children as he doesn't make good choices in his personal life, and he will drain your time and energy with all this drama if you give him half a chance. He got her pregnant 3 years ago, yet according to you she is unfaithful, greedy, manipulative, controlling and desperate to get her own way. You shouldn't be involved in his poor choices even if you choose to believe him

Meaning he didn’t want to kick off and upset his kids and take them when she stopped his contact so he was upset.

He’s no angel meaning he obviously has flaws like everyone he’s not perfect.

Sorry didn’t mean for them both to be next to each other.

I was typing fast trying to keep up with comments.

Why is he "no angel", OP?

He didn’t get her pregnant they actively chose to have a second child together it was not one sided. She cheated on him before they were married and he chose to stay.

I’m aware men are usually portrayed as the culprit but in some cases they can be victims.

He pays £300 a month and is self employed plus paying half towards a house he no longer lives in and she stopped him seeing his children so he’s applied to court and paid them fees too.

He financially can’t afford more.

Again my children are not a concern here. They see him like once a week if that I was asking as his partner how to support him because it’s destroying him and I’ve not been in this situation before.

Christ almighty. Women can be wrong too!

OP my ex went through the same, years before I met him. Contact was arranged through court, but his EX-W would go out for the day with his DC, so he’d turn up to an empty house. He returned to court numerous times (he still has the paperwork, I’ve seen it) but it got too much in both costs and stress for him. Every time she breached the order, he’d go back to court, but then it’s weeks/months for the hearing. She’d be ordered to stick to the order and the same would happen again.

She sent the DC to live with her DM (DCs DGM) to frustrate contact further. His ex then sent DC to him in their teens as she couldn’t cope .

In answer to your question @bluebell2389, my DH doesn’t really have a relationship with his (now adult) DC. All I do is say I’ll be there for him if he decides either way to have contact or not. They had some when he was seriously ill a few years ago but that petered out.

There’s more I could add but it would be a dissertation! Just be there for him to talk to. I wish you both well.

"So she would rather have her tiny children every single weekend and never ever have a break, than allow him contact?"
Yes, some do. I recall very well about 30 years ago a person I was seeing, an associate of hers met a new fella so decided to move to the other end of the county with him, and not tell the dad or anyone else where they had gone. While she and the new guy were sorting out a place they left the 5-year-old with my then partner. Inevitably it was me - a complete stranger to the associate and more importantly the poor child - who did most of the babysitting!

He hasn’t at all he can’t cherry pick court documentation. I’ve known him a very long time and her also. He isn’t a new person to me and I’m not blind to the situation.

My children are happy and healthy and have a good relationship with their dad.

His children are also happy and healthy and I do not doubt in anyway her ability to raise her children.

Women can also be in the wrong and more than you would like to believe can choose to play god with their children when they lose control over someone who has always ran back to them no matter how many times she stepped out of their relationship and then marriage.