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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I support my partner when he can’t see his children but sees mine?

126 replies

bluebell2389 · 14/04/2022 19:42

My partner is currently going through court to gain access to his 2 children as his ex wife stopped contact. His children are 5 and 2 I have 2 children age 7 and 10. All girls. My ex is accepting of my partner and being around my girls and my girls have a fab bond with him. He is however struggling with no seeing his and although doing everything to gain access I don’t know how to support him for the best of what to do? Has anyone been in a similar situation and able to offer advice as I’m at a bit of a loss and just want to be as supportive as I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:34

@deliciouschilli

Why is he not arranging to see them supervised at a contact center until he can sort out court? If I were you I would not involve your children at all. See him on your own.
They tried mediation and the mediator suggested to apply to court as his ex just wasn’t coming to an agreement. A contact centre was suggested but she said it was too far to attend and flashed with other commitments. Cafcass have been in touch but due to a back log it’s taking longer to get round to their case. The next hearing is in July.
OP posts:
Hope90x · 15/04/2022 10:45

Comments in posts like these really get my back up, MN really doesnt like to accept that there are "bad" women out there as well as bad men. Actually, some women DO stop access to children purely because they can and because it causes maximum distress to the men who are otherwise glad to escape them.

Often a catalyst for the bitter and vindictive behaviour is the man simply leaving... And then having the audacity to move on with someone else.

It's very difficult OP, your partner will feel like he is failing his children by not being there for them but you need to remind him that he has not stopped the contact and he is doing what he can by going to court.
This shows he is actively fighting for them.
Any "dirty laundry" will be aired in court but believe me, judges are MORE than familiar with these situations.

Opentooffers · 15/04/2022 10:49

I'd say the best way to support him is actually to not get too involved with it all. If too much of your conversation turns to his predicaments, he won't get any respite from it and it will start to affect your relationship. You should step back now and be his safe haven, you've seen all the nitty gritty documentation, so you know it's all true and he's not pulling a fast one. Beyond that, just keep going down the path of telling him to get advice from professionals rather than yourself. If you get too involved it may well drag your relationship down and overtake what a relationship should be about.

VeganGod · 15/04/2022 10:49

Or maybe he just wanted to see the best in her and he didn’t get married to get divorced. He’s self employed with his own business so I would say he’s pretty bright. I know you want to see things that aren’t there in this post but there really isn’t and he’s doing everything by the books as he should do. I was just asking for advice in support of him and if you don’t have any advice to give that’s beneficial then I do hope you have a good rest of your day

That’ll be it, he just sees the best in everyone. You sound seriously deluded OP.

You seem to know everything about him 😂 so surely you would be best placed to know how to support him. Realistically if you love your kids and can’t see them, nothing will make you feel better, ...not telling everyone how bad the ex is, not building ‘fab bonds’ with other children, not putting time and energy into a new relationship, nothing. Wait for the court date and see what happens, what else can you do? It’s a shame you didn’t ask for advice on having a new relationship with children involved as you’d have been told not to introduce your kids to men so soon just because you’re shagging them and it makes it easier for you to see him.

I will have a good day, thanks. 😇

Hope90x · 15/04/2022 10:51

Narcissism is a word thrown around all too often on this site yet it seems to be widely accepted that it is gender biased and only effects men

What a joke.

SecretVictoria · 15/04/2022 10:54

@Hope90x You forgot it also affects MILs Wink

Original poster
bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:55

@VeganGod

Or maybe he just wanted to see the best in her and he didn’t get married to get divorced. He’s self employed with his own business so I would say he’s pretty bright. I know you want to see things that aren’t there in this post but there really isn’t and he’s doing everything by the books as he should do. I was just asking for advice in support of him and if you don’t have any advice to give that’s beneficial then I do hope you have a good rest of your day

That’ll be it, he just sees the best in everyone. You sound seriously deluded OP.

You seem to know everything about him 😂 so surely you would be best placed to know how to support him. Realistically if you love your kids and can’t see them, nothing will make you feel better, ...not telling everyone how bad the ex is, not building ‘fab bonds’ with other children, not putting time and energy into a new relationship, nothing. Wait for the court date and see what happens, what else can you do? It’s a shame you didn’t ask for advice on having a new relationship with children involved as you’d have been told not to introduce your kids to men so soon just because you’re shagging them and it makes it easier for you to see him.

I will have a good day, thanks. 😇

I mean is ex moved someone else in 2 days after so at least I waited 5 months 😉. Please do have a wonderful day and thank you for your input on this thread 😊
OP posts:
Original poster
bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:56

@Opentooffers

I'd say the best way to support him is actually to not get too involved with it all. If too much of your conversation turns to his predicaments, he won't get any respite from it and it will start to affect your relationship. You should step back now and be his safe haven, you've seen all the nitty gritty documentation, so you know it's all true and he's not pulling a fast one. Beyond that, just keep going down the path of telling him to get advice from professionals rather than yourself. If you get too involved it may well drag your relationship down and overtake what a relationship should be about.
I didn’t think of it like that actually so thank you I appreciate it x
OP posts:
GirlOfTudor · 15/04/2022 10:58

You're in very deep with a man you've only been with for 6 months 🙄

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/04/2022 11:01

OP you've explained things very clearly and I have no idea why so many PPs on here are piling on determined to discover some terrible secret that doesn't exist.

This happened almost word for word to my now DH. We were friends and work colleagues, I was friends with them both so saw first hand what happened. For those posters who can't imagine why a mother wouldn't want a bit of time off to spend time with their new partner, consider that they might be rewriting history so the new partner plays Dad and there's no requirement for actual Dad.

Thankfully my DH had the resource and support to get court ordered contact set up quickly, but if you don't have the money I can easily see how this can happen.

Original poster
bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 11:07

@GirlOfTudor

You're in very deep with a man you've only been with for 6 months 🙄
Again I’ve known him 12 years, unfortunately these circumstances can happen and not every separation is amicable.
OP posts:
TheBigDilemma · 15/04/2022 11:07

Op, this is mumsnet…

-if you dare to have a relationship being a single mum, you are not thinking of your children, you should abstain from every wish of your heart or flesh until your children have graduated, raised his children and you are no longer required (you should have and should continue to keep your legs crossed, I have been told)

  • God forbid if you have a relationship with a divorced man, if you do, you are the OW and should pay for it whatever the reasons they split for and even if that was 40 years before you met him.

So remember, you don’t need to justify yourself, you know him better than we do, in fact… we don’t know him at all. I suggest you re read the thread looking for the advice you need and ignore any further attack.

And well done you for putting your children first and ensuring a relationship between your children and their dad could be re started with your support.

Best of luck!

totallyoutnumbered · 15/04/2022 12:40

For what it's worth (not a lot at this stage in the thread). I work with children and have sadly lost count of the amount
Of terrible mums I have come across. Mums who see there kids as a cash cow, some sort of accessory and ultimately an inconvenience. I work directly with both sets of parents. For every lousy dad there's a lousy mum out there in my opinion. You're receiving a lot of judgment on here and have handled it better than I would have at this stage to be honest. I wish you both well, just be there is my advice. Life isn't always fair sadly x

itsgettingweird · 15/04/2022 13:04

Vegan what makes you think you know more about a man by twisting the OPs posts than she knows about him after 12 years of friendship?

TracyMosby · 15/04/2022 20:03

Op, you've been in a relationship with him for 6 months. Knowing him before that isnt the same. Reframe your thinking on this. It has been SIX MONTHS. And your mental health is clearly taking a hit. And you know he already has poor mental health. This will impact both you and your children. Instead of asking hoe you can support him, why not ask yourself if the strain on your mental health and the future impact on your children, is worth it for a sixth month relationship.

Livelovebehappy · 15/04/2022 21:18

I would advise you to just be there for him, listen when he needs to vent or talk, but just try not to get too involved with what's going on. Divorce when amicable is stressful and draining, so if not amicable, together with the Court cases, the situation is going to affect him massively, and it will be a long road. Even if he does manage to get access, it will still be very difficult with a lot of drama for the foreseeable future. You just have to be able to step back from it a bit for the sake of your own mental health because it's going to be a long and rocky road.

HerRoyalHappiness · 15/04/2022 21:36

OP his court documents may not reflect reality. My ex could have shown people letters he instructed his solicitor wrote to me when he wasn't seeing our son (I said he could see him at a contact centre. He refused) that made me out to be a manipulative bitch stopping him from seeing his children.
Luckily the truth all came out as I documented and recorded everything he ever text me, emailed me, and I even put in solicitors letters to him that suitable access arrangements in a centre were fine by me.
He had to see him for a year in a supervised centre and his family is not allowed to see him at all as his family were assessed as being unsafe.
But as I said, his original documentation, before it went to a judge had me down as a manipulative, mentally ill bitch who stopped him seeing his child for no reason.

SunflowerTed · 16/04/2022 14:44

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

Common sense tells you she has no reason to use her children as a form of control. She has a new partner, she'd probably like to go on a date with him at the weekend, and recharge her batteries, but instead she feels she must have her children with her and let her ex take her to court for contact. What would she be getting out of that? She's blocked him so she's not looking for a reaction from him. She also chose to exit the marriage shortly after giving birth, you haven't been specific about the timeline, but I can't imagine how difficult that is. You trust him far too much. Just because you've known him years doesn't mean you know how he behaved in his marriage.
She is denying access to the father. That is wrong
SunflowerTed · 16/04/2022 14:45

@totallyoutnumbered

For what it's worth (not a lot at this stage in the thread). I work with children and have sadly lost count of the amount Of terrible mums I have come across. Mums who see there kids as a cash cow, some sort of accessory and ultimately an inconvenience. I work directly with both sets of parents. For every lousy dad there's a lousy mum out there in my opinion. You're receiving a lot of judgment on here and have handled it better than I would have at this stage to be honest. I wish you both well, just be there is my advice. Life isn't always fair sadly x
Common sense answer. Thank you - the man haters have been out in force on this post!!!
SunflowerTed · 16/04/2022 14:46

@TheBigDilemma

Op, this is mumsnet…

-if you dare to have a relationship being a single mum, you are not thinking of your children, you should abstain from every wish of your heart or flesh until your children have graduated, raised his children and you are no longer required (you should have and should continue to keep your legs crossed, I have been told)

  • God forbid if you have a relationship with a divorced man, if you do, you are the OW and should pay for it whatever the reasons they split for and even if that was 40 years before you met him.

So remember, you don’t need to justify yourself, you know him better than we do, in fact… we don’t know him at all. I suggest you re read the thread looking for the advice you need and ignore any further attack.

And well done you for putting your children first and ensuring a relationship between your children and their dad could be re started with your support.

Best of luck!

Hear hear x
Whitecushion · 16/04/2022 16:14

I also work with children and have lost count of the nasty , vindictive women who use their children as pawns and prevent their fathers seeing them. There are at least as many nasty women as there are men and women seem to hold so much of the power in this situation. This thread is unbelievable. I hope your partner manages to sort out access to his children

Original poster
bluebell2389 · 16/04/2022 20:24

Thank you all for you responses positive and negative. All taken on board in some way to another.

We are incredibly happy and regardless of our friendship previous we chose to embark on a relationship with the cards I was given and I truly believe it’s worth the long road ahead. So I will continue to support him but I obviously will have my eyes open as I have from the start.

We shall see what happens regarding is access and I do hope they come to an amicable resolution for the sake of their children.

For the ones that stated negative things, you aren’t in my situation but I respect your opinion and I truly hope if you have partners or have to go through this situation at any point you may have a less biased opinion ☺️.

But thanks everyone for your inputs I appreciate it 🙂

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 16/04/2022 20:52

@bluebell2389

Thank you all for you responses positive and negative. All taken on board in some way to another.

We are incredibly happy and regardless of our friendship previous we chose to embark on a relationship with the cards I was given and I truly believe it’s worth the long road ahead. So I will continue to support him but I obviously will have my eyes open as I have from the start.

We shall see what happens regarding is access and I do hope they come to an amicable resolution for the sake of their children.

For the ones that stated negative things, you aren’t in my situation but I respect your opinion and I truly hope if you have partners or have to go through this situation at any point you may have a less biased opinion ☺️.

But thanks everyone for your inputs I appreciate it 🙂

I wish you both luck OP. It's a king road ahead no doubt so make sure you preserve some stamina for yourself too x
Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/04/2022 22:37

To be fair with my ex fling - his ex was horrible
But it cast such a long shadow and was so toxic and made him so miserable

Good luck op

stickanotherlogonthefire · 16/04/2022 22:55

It's not your mess to clear up and I don't think you can or should do anything.

If you have a good and happy relationship then it's all good, you obviously just need to ensure you put your children far far ahead of any romantic relationship you have which might just be temporary.