Page 3 | How can I support my partner when he can’t see his children but sees mine?

bluebell2389 · 2022-04-14T18:42:27+00:00

My partner is currently going through court to gain access to his 2 children as his ex wife stopped contact. His children are 5 and 2 I have 2 children age 7 and 10. All girls. My ex is accepting of my partner and being around my girls and my girls have a fab bond with him. He is however struggling with no seeing his and although doing everything to gain access I don’t know how to support him for the best of what to do? Has anyone been in a similar situation and able to offer advice as I’m at a bit of a loss and just want to be as supportive as I can.

Rememberitwell · 15/04/2022 09:57

Even if what you are saying is all true, it’s not great for you as a couple is it if he’s depressed about it.

What’s in it for you to be reading all the messages and divorce documentation? No one will ever see my divorce and mediation paperwork as it’s very personal. Why is he sharing it with you?

AlternativePerspective · 15/04/2022 10:00

Amazing that women can behave however they want and other women will support them no matter what because the man must be lying.

Because there’s no such thing as a manipulative woman, oh no. All men are bastards, all women are victims.

Maybe some women lie about domestic violence as much as some men lie about why they’re not allowed to see their children? No?

VeganGod · 15/04/2022 10:00

You may have been brainwashed by this man and jumped in very quickly, introducing your kids very soon, but most of us here choose to engage our brain and exercise caution when children are involved. I’d be very surprised if this goes well. Poor kids.

Original poster

bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:02

Because stereotypically men are prejudged and he wanted to be completely open and honest with me. I never asked to see them he asked me if I wanted too. He asked my advice before filing and I’ve always said speak to your solicitor. Imagine if boot was on the other foot and a mum was being stopped from seeing her children would the reply be the same? Probably not.

This post was asking for advice if anyone else had been in a similar situation and how to support him. He attends a group but obviously when you are with someone you would like to support them would you not.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:03

Again I’ve known him 12 years. Definitely not brain washed and certainly don’t believe that all men are the guilty party when women can also be controlling where children are concerned. But thank you for your comment 🙂

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CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/04/2022 10:04

I think some of the comments belong on fathers for justice not Mumsnet. According to the op this woman is not good partner material but her partner made the choice to marry her and have children with her, and now these are his consequences for making those choices. They wanted a baby together only 2 years ago and he thought yes that's a great idea. The op has said this behaviour isn't new. So he knew the possible outcomes based on her.past appalling behaviour. Why is it a surprise someone who is manipulative is being... manipulative? That's if you believe the man's version which as I've made clear I wouldn't

HailAdrian · 15/04/2022 10:05

I don't think there is any point in you posting anymore OP. Everything you're saying is being twisted, it must be frustrating.

Original poster

bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:10

@HailAdrian

I don't think there is any point in you posting anymore OP. Everything you're saying is being twisted, it must be frustrating.

No it’s not as the odd few comments have actually been positive. I’m all for mums supporting mums and that’s there opinions based on what I post. But I take the useful replies on board as some have commented that have been in similar so that was goal of the post x

OP posts:

Original poster

bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:13

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

I think some of the comments belong on fathers for justice not Mumsnet. According to the op this woman is not good partner material but her partner made the choice to marry her and have children with her, and now these are his consequences for making those choices. They wanted a baby together only 2 years ago and he thought yes that's a great idea. The op has said this behaviour isn't new. So he knew the possible outcomes based on her.past appalling behaviour. Why is it a surprise someone who is manipulative is being... manipulative? That's if you believe the man's version which as I've made clear I wouldn't

Indeed they are his choices and he has to live with the consequences. But I suppose he didn’t think they would separate or have children used as weapons. I’m not a father so I wouldn’t be posting on fathers for justice as I’m just going off the facts that I’ve seen for myself. That is your advice and I respect your reply.

OP posts:

NOTANUM · 15/04/2022 10:16

This replies to this thread is unbelievable!

The DP has been accused of being mentally ill, abusive, unreliable, controlling.. The alternative is that his wife just doesn’t want to allow access as she’s busy playing happy families with a man she moved in two days after kicking DP out. And yet somehow the OP and DP are entirely at fault?!

I think Mumsnet has gone to the dogs. The moderators need to step in. Every thread is descending into a Twitter like brawl these days.

(OP - read the “someone was in my house last night” for the nonsensical abuse the OP got there).

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 15/04/2022 10:16

OP I don't have any advice as it's not a situation I have any experience in. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are having a difficult time and getting so much flack on here. Mumsnet can be extraordinarily biased when it comes to relationship breakdown but my own childhood experience taught me that sometimes the woman can be the abusive and manipulative party whilst the man wants the best for their children. It does happen. I hope the situation resolves for you soon.

itsgettingweird · 15/04/2022 10:18

@AlternativePerspective

Amazing that women can behave however they want and other women will support them no matter what because the man must be lying.

Because there’s no such thing as a manipulative woman, oh no. All men are bastards, all women are victims.

Maybe some women lie about domestic violence as much as some men lie about why they’re not allowed to see their children? No?

Glad someone else thinks like this!

FrangipaniBlue · 15/04/2022 10:18

@Clymene

But if he's not allowed unsupervised contact with his children *@FrangipaniBlue* then it would be remiss of posters to advise on how to support him.

We simply don't have enough information

Which is exactly what I said

VeganGod · 15/04/2022 10:22

But I suppose he didn’t think they would separate or have children used as weapons.

She’s has a history of affairs and being manipulative and vindictive but he didn’t think they might separate or that she’d use the children. 🤔 He’s not very bright is he?

AlternativePerspective · 15/04/2022 10:23

I think some of the comments belong on fathers for justice not Mumsnet. According to the op this woman is not good partner material but her partner made the choice to marry her and have children with her, and now these are his consequences for making those choices. They wanted a baby together only 2 years ago and he thought yes that's a great idea. you only have to look at the relationships boards to see the numbers of women who decide to have babies with absolute wasters. Do we blame them when it all goes wrong? After all, they thought having a baby with them was a great idea, so surely the consequences are on them when it all goes wrong.

Fact is nobody knows the circumstances. The OP has known this man for 12 years, so hardly some bloke she’s met on match.com. Added to which maybe 3 years ago (the baby is 2, ergo, the pregnancy was planned 3 years ago,) having a baby together was a good idea. It doesn’t always take long for a marriage to deteriorate. Or maybe the pregnancy was unplanned. Who knows?

FrangipaniBlue · 15/04/2022 10:23

So many posters have immediately waded in attacking the OPs partner - the poor OPhas ended up spending threat of the thread on the defensive instead of getting the support she came here for.

and even still, posters are picking apart her replies!!!

By all means ask questions if you don't feel you have enough information to offer advice, but don't ease in offering advice based on your own set of assumptions!

FFS I despair at this place sometimes.

Floraflower3 · 15/04/2022 10:24

The ex stopped contact though - it wasn’t court mandated supervised contact so I don’t know where pp’s are getting that from.

AlternativePerspective · 15/04/2022 10:25

And when women are criticised for having babies with men who have a history of abuse/infidelity those being critical are ripped apart.

But hey, he’s a man, so fair game.

deliciouschilli · 15/04/2022 10:26

Why is he not arranging to see them supervised at a contact center until he can sort out court? If I were you I would not involve your children at all. See him on your own.

Palavah · 15/04/2022 10:26

Some of these replies are unbelievable.

OP, suggest you ask him how you can best support him. Is he looking for sympathy or solutions?

Is he getting advice from elsewhere? Has he filed for divorce?

BungleandGeorge · 15/04/2022 10:27

@Thisisworsethananticpated

The advice my (male !) psych gave me was Let him vent Don’t give advice Gently change subject when it becomes wearying

Look I have a psycho ex , so men can have them too !

My issue was how much it impacted his mental health
It was too much for me x

I think this is good advice. Be supportive but don’t take it on yourself to be his main source of support. You’ve only been together a few months. I’d encourage him to find a counsellor and make sure he’s getting treatment for the mental health issues. If his ex has flagged those problems to the court he needs to make sure that he shows he’s actively obtaining treatment/ has been assessed. I’d personally not get too involved with the situation with the ex, your relationship is a separate thing

Rockbird · 15/04/2022 10:28

I don't have any experience or advice to give. But what stands out on threads like these, is the infantilising of grown women. Yes some people are abusive and you should absolutely have your eyes open in a (new) relationship. But why not allow the OP the common sense to make her own decision on a man that she's known for years? Women can make good choices too. She's not asking for a critique of her relationship.

Original poster

bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:29

@VeganGod

But I suppose he didn’t think they would separate or have children used as weapons.

She’s has a history of affairs and being manipulative and vindictive but he didn’t think they might separate or that she’d use the children. 🤔 He’s not very bright is he?

Or maybe he just wanted to see the best in her and he didn’t get married to get divorced. He’s self employed with his own business so I would say he’s pretty bright. I know you want to see things that aren’t there in this post but there really isn’t and he’s doing everything by the books as he should do. I was just asking for advice in support of him and if you don’t have any advice to give that’s beneficial then I do hope you have a good rest of your day 🙂

OP posts:

Original poster

bluebell2389 · 15/04/2022 10:32

@Palavah

Some of these replies are unbelievable.

OP, suggest you ask him how you can best support him. Is he looking for sympathy or solutions?

Is he getting advice from elsewhere? Has he filed for divorce?

He just shuts off when I ask him. But I will try and broach the subject again. He attends a mental health group for men and that seems to be helping.

He has filed for divorce x

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Honeyroar · 15/04/2022 10:33

Some of these bitter women on here make me laugh! There are a lot more than 1% of mothers that are unfair and horrible exes. A heck of a lot more. A lot of women treat their children as their possessions and weapons.

My husband’s ex left him for the man she’d been having an affair with. She tried to erase my husband from his life, putting her new husband his place. She wanted to play happy families with him, and shared custody got in the way. She broke up with him a few years later, but frequently repeated the pattern with new boyfriends she moved in. Now my stepson is in his 20s he sees how controlling and selfish she is for himself.

Op you’ve just got to listen and support. I hope the courts help.