Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent! He needs time out of the blue

115 replies

kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 15:55

Need support or a hand hold feeling so sad and desperate for it to work
Right now.

We've been together 4 years lived as a blended family over 3 years, and luckily the kids get on great. He works away a month back a month and financially in a reasonably position. I'm self employed and juggle the kids with help whilst he is away.

We entered money issues in Covid as he was off work 4 months and I was (self employed) we had to use savings credit cards and although these payments are manageable now we've returned to work did cause a lot of stress in the meantime. I also got pregnant by error and suffered a miscarriage which made me feel low and I know he was down about it and money at the time but I wasn't in a place where I could support how he was feeling on reflection.

He went back to work got a great promotion and things were great for us but it was short lived and made redundant, which then caused us a few stresses and bickers as i was still
Rebuilding my business back. He got another job and the money is manageable but I know he is anxious about this new job and the debts but so far so good. Around this time he wrote off our second car and although wasn't intentional it was silly and has now cost us needing to get a new one. I did get angry when it happened and did say things I didn't mean. But we got through it and things have been great.

When I say great been paying it off planning to continue the work needed in the house and trips away date nights family days. Lots of love you missing you calls lots of affection. But the other night after a bad day with the kids I had a bit of a rant, and yes I did go on. He supported me through it and all was great we even booked a weekend away!

The next day he mentioned out of the blue that he had felt unhappy with us not money for a while but didn't say anything to protect us and decided to just say on Monday. He wants time to think and limited contact so can make his decision by weekend when he is home. I was upset and shocked and said that had he have said I couldve worked on things, you don't know someone is unhappy until they say. He works 7 days a week 12 hour days in North Sea so no chance of another woman.

Iv followed his request and reply simply when he messages me but any advice support any ring to help fix this im game for as all has been Amazing up to this hiccup. And nothing compared to rows friends have had with their partners. Any words of wisdom good or bad xx

OP posts:
supercali77 · 14/04/2022 16:53

Sorry but I just wanted you to be aware that being in the North Sea is no guarantee of no OW. There are so many oil rig workers on OLD apps who magically transpire to have a wife or gf at home.

Besides that, it sounds like you blended within a year which is fast and then covid hits and all the associated financial fallout. Its obviously been a rough period...where are his kids while he's doing all this thinking? Are they with you or their mum?

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:08

His kids are with their mum but stay with me once a week. It hasn't all been bad during Covid short spells and more recently been really good in terms of money connection alsorts. Just now what to do from here with the minimal contact, I don't message unless he messages first as he wanted time and space. And then awaiting his decision making at weekend.

If he is seeing someone else it's started on a talking only basis as in his time off a month ago we didn't spend a day apart. And I stayed with him( his choice) the night before he got on the helicopter out to see in Aberdeen. Plus he rang couple of times of the site phone as he is office position. But suppose yeah it could happen.

Just feeling shocked and low a little lied to when he's been pretending all is ok. Unless that's an excuse

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:09

The kids stay with me once a week whilst he's away and stay half the week when he's home as his kids go to a different school. I have them more time in holidays if they aren't away etc with mum who I have no issues with x

OP posts:
WaterBottle123 · 14/04/2022 17:12

Oh god another man baby thinking a woman should passively await his decision and do a 'pls stay with me darling I'll do anything dance'. And withholding contact as a power play.

Tell him to act like a grown man and have a real conversation immediately or sling his hook.

He wants you feel scared and vulnerable

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2022 17:14

So what is he messaging about? Just essentials? His ‘space’ sounds very him-centred- if he’s messaging about things he needs done, at what point in having ‘space’ does he have to look after himself? At what point does he have to make other arrangements for his dc?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/04/2022 17:22

@WaterBottle123

Oh god another man baby thinking a woman should passively await his decision and do a 'pls stay with me darling I'll do anything dance'. And withholding contact as a power play.

Tell him to act like a grown man and have a real conversation immediately or sling his hook.

He wants you feel scared and vulnerable

This! Absolutely this.

Ignore the twat.
Don't respond to his messages.
Be busy.

Give him all the space he needs and more! All the space forever in fact.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:27

I feel like yeah he's wanting me to be scared vulnerable maybe teach me a lesson but this behaviour is so out of character I'm thinking maybe he just wants us knee. But if he did he would just do it surely? Gave him the option that if he wanted to leave now then il be sad but have to respect his decision and he said that he needed time and space.

When he messages he messages to ask if I'm ok how I slept how the kids are how I'm feeling? Hasn't asked for anything he needs or anything like that. He's also text my bio children but weirdly iv spoke to his children over FaceTime as they are away with grandparents this week. And they said they hadn't spoke to daddy but didn't know how true it was.

Heads a mess

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 14/04/2022 17:28

@WaterBottle123

Oh god another man baby thinking a woman should passively await his decision and do a 'pls stay with me darling I'll do anything dance'. And withholding contact as a power play.

Tell him to act like a grown man and have a real conversation immediately or sling his hook.

He wants you feel scared and vulnerable

Absolutely this.

If there is a problem in your relationship, then both of you need to work at improving things.

This isn't something you can fix, it's something you both work out together. That does not mean one person issues warnings of doom and decides what they will do, while the other desperately flaps around wondering what to do to repair things.

Has he checked in about how everyone is, or is he assuming you and his kids, house, finances are all fine while he's away?

Let him know you are also having a little think about what isn't working in your relationship, and will let him know when you are ready to talk.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:29

That was meant to say maybe he just wants to prepare me to end it

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/04/2022 17:30

Space is space. Please message him and say look I think you should have your space, but I’m not happy with this mix where you can contact me. Please take your time to think but don’t message me again until

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:31

We have a joint account and all bills are paid food shop which we get delivered sorted. He hasn't asked me to send anything so anything or messaged me regarding things he needs. He asks how kids are, I am how I slept how the dog is how work is? Says he's glad I'm ok. But only couple
Messages morning couple
Of messages night time x

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:34

@timeisnotaline

Space is space. Please message him and say look I think you should have your space, but I’m not happy with this mix where you can contact me. Please take your time to think but don’t message me again until
Yeah I was thinking of that. But then thought he may come back with the well I need to hear how kids are and wondered if he thought I'm just proving a point like a mood I'm not talking to you because your hurting me. My replies are very basic and couple of times iv ended the text trail so convo isn't kept going. Wondering whether to do full no contact not block him though
OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:35

I also think if he wanted to end it he just would so trying to hurt me and teach me all week.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/04/2022 17:35

That should help sharpen his mind on the challenges of being a remote worker with children. Without you he’d have to tell his ex he can’t have his dc regularly anymore, so him having space without addressing these questions seems very much having his cake and eating it if he’s truly checking out.

MachineBee · 14/04/2022 17:35

I’m sorry to say but he may be trying to prepare you for a split. If I were you I would use this time to sort out what you want. From what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like you’ve got as much out of this relationship as he has. You’ve provided a lot of free childcare and got into debt. If you haven’t stayed calm and compliant I’m not surprised - it’s been tough but may also indicate a growing sense of unease within you.

Perhaps try to talk this over very honestly with someone in real life who knows you well.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:36

Yes I agree they do speak his ex and him and we have 2 rental properties so he has a place to stay should we end. But if he was going to surely he would just say

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/04/2022 17:37

I wouldn’t block him. You don’t have any of his dc at the moment and none of the dc are joint, so space from you means space from your dc, I’m sorry if that hurts but it’s true. So if you have his dc before he gets back you could write ‘I think it best you not contact me while you have the space you requested, of course I’ll support the dc to contact you next week when they arrive, but please don’t message me again before then.’

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:38

Annoys me he's online and awake but not messaging me but it's what he wants

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 14/04/2022 17:40

If he does respond with any of that I would just ignore. You know it's flannel. You are there with the kids like any other week, and like any other week they'll be fine - plus what would he do if they weren't? This isn't space. No more messages or replies. That's not playing games, that's you asked for space so this is it.

supercali77 · 14/04/2022 17:40

It could just be talking. Do you know exactly where they go? I know you can track them at sea if you have the ID. They visit other places and have women there.

Either way, whatever it is I agree with pp. Him 'making a decision', having space, but still contacting you is bollocks. Give him all the rope. Let him have it. Never pander to a man's ego it does then no favours

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:45

Yeah I could track him to be fair might do that. When he's home from work he looks after all the kids mine also who he treats so lovingly like his own, been texting them all week. So with the childcare I feel like im not doing more than him if you get me. Not that I care about this at this point but Financially when we got together he paid off a little debt I had and he bought me a car, which I appreciated and that allowed me to pursue my business. Which is now paying reasonably after a decline in Covid. Sex is great he's always sending me flowers running baths after work
For me and making dinner when home, I also return favour by doing nice things for him.

Just so confused how this happened Monday after my really bad day and rant!

OP posts:
supercali77 · 14/04/2022 17:49

Hmmmm. Has he ever 'punished' you like this before? Witholding contact?

bellalou1234 · 14/04/2022 17:53

Is he online on WhatsApp for a while

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:53

Never punished me before with contact no

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:54

On and off online on WhatsApp not long periods at all

OP posts: