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Original poster

Urgent! He needs time out of the blue

115 replies

kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 15:55

Need support or a hand hold feeling so sad and desperate for it to work
Right now.

We've been together 4 years lived as a blended family over 3 years, and luckily the kids get on great. He works away a month back a month and financially in a reasonably position. I'm self employed and juggle the kids with help whilst he is away.

We entered money issues in Covid as he was off work 4 months and I was (self employed) we had to use savings credit cards and although these payments are manageable now we've returned to work did cause a lot of stress in the meantime. I also got pregnant by error and suffered a miscarriage which made me feel low and I know he was down about it and money at the time but I wasn't in a place where I could support how he was feeling on reflection.

He went back to work got a great promotion and things were great for us but it was short lived and made redundant, which then caused us a few stresses and bickers as i was still
Rebuilding my business back. He got another job and the money is manageable but I know he is anxious about this new job and the debts but so far so good. Around this time he wrote off our second car and although wasn't intentional it was silly and has now cost us needing to get a new one. I did get angry when it happened and did say things I didn't mean. But we got through it and things have been great.

When I say great been paying it off planning to continue the work needed in the house and trips away date nights family days. Lots of love you missing you calls lots of affection. But the other night after a bad day with the kids I had a bit of a rant, and yes I did go on. He supported me through it and all was great we even booked a weekend away!

The next day he mentioned out of the blue that he had felt unhappy with us not money for a while but didn't say anything to protect us and decided to just say on Monday. He wants time to think and limited contact so can make his decision by weekend when he is home. I was upset and shocked and said that had he have said I couldve worked on things, you don't know someone is unhappy until they say. He works 7 days a week 12 hour days in North Sea so no chance of another woman.

Iv followed his request and reply simply when he messages me but any advice support any ring to help fix this im game for as all has been Amazing up to this hiccup. And nothing compared to rows friends have had with their partners. Any words of wisdom good or bad xx

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:55

We have family group chats that go off he replied to minimally or sometimes not. He has work group chats also. So may be cheating or trying to but he's online same amount of time as usual but would always message me

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 17:56

Sunday night was I love you countdown to coming home now short Messages no kisses

OP posts:
supercali77 · 14/04/2022 17:59

So the 'rant' that happened, that wasn't irl I take it...all happened online?

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 18:00

Over Text and he rang me after. We sorted it got the whole night love you messages and he started saying Monday out of the blue he wasn't happy and kept it from me to protect us whilst hoping it would sort out. But over the time this was meant to be we had been away with Kids and on our child free time. Nice dates lunches when kids are at school so it just seems so random

OP posts:
Chilledchablis1 · 14/04/2022 18:02

My exh worked offshore similar pattern yet managed to have several affairs !

supercali77 · 14/04/2022 18:05

Thats why I'm suggesting possible OW. If the 2 of you had been having serious barneys for months I could understand a need to take time apart and think about things .....but out of the blue?

2bazookas · 14/04/2022 18:07

So you've been free nanny sole- care for his child, on alternate months,.

Does he expect you to continue housing and caring for his child while he's off having a think?

Greensleeves · 14/04/2022 18:07

How big a rant was it exactly? Could it have really, seriously upset him?

Hard to call it without more information, but I'm 50/50 between a) your "rant" was abusive and he's upset, and b) he's got an OW and is beginning the script.

If he comes home and tells you he loves you but isn't in love with you, then its b).

Fluffymule · 14/04/2022 18:20

I’d be tempted, next time he messages to ask how you are, to simply reply that you are good, actually finding it useful to have the time and space to do a lot of thinking yourself and now taking the opportunity to work out how you want to move forward in the future too.

Let him see you are not without agency in this, that you have self-respect and will not put up with manipulative games where he takes all control.

And remember this is true! You decide what you want and what you do, and that includes what you will and won’t put up with in terms of how other people treat you.

Benmac · 14/04/2022 18:26

Putting tin hat on. I am sorry this is horrible for you. Reading your post it is clear you both have had a lot to cope with since Covid. It reads to me as if you are both ground down with it all.
His taking space is not a good reaction but it sounds like he is at the end of his rope.
I think you should send him the post which so eloquently details all you have gone through. Tell him you know it has damaged you both. You need to be kind to each other and see if you can find your way back. You have rants, which is normal. He shuts off. Maybe because he does not know how to cope with how he is feeling.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 18:30

His step sister (who he sees but forced as he isn't keen on her but I always go to things attend and make effort for the kids and for his dad and wife which he agrees to so he doesn't have to ) m invited me to her baby shower on the Sunday via social media event. She had set the event up in January but only invited me now as couple of people had dropped out it seems going through all the comments from jan to April! I was hurt to not be included when I always go to meals with her but her kids bday gifts we have a family group chat. I had also had some challenging behaviour off the kids. And I just said I was fed up making the effort with people and from now on was only going to match the energy they give me( ironic at the moment 😢)

It then led on to me maybe going on a bit about the kids and a work issue I was irritated by so was a big moan sesh. He agreed that I should do what I want with the baby shower and she could've invited me he got it but it wasn't personal to me. Reassured me and we talked was all night love you all that and then it started with the my head a mess thing the next day

OP posts:
WaterBottle123 · 14/04/2022 18:47

@Fluffymule 's response is perfect. It will panic the cowardly man baby.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 18:52

[quote WaterBottle123]@Fluffymule 's response is perfect. It will panic the cowardly man baby. [/quote]
Responded with those exact words to this evenings. Hello hope you are ok and had a good day and sleep
Well text 🤣 have moments of feeling sad but also moments where I want to really get him where it hurts.

OP posts:
5128gap · 14/04/2022 19:02

@WaterBottle123

Oh god another man baby thinking a woman should passively await his decision and do a 'pls stay with me darling I'll do anything dance'. And withholding contact as a power play.

Tell him to act like a grown man and have a real conversation immediately or sling his hook.

He wants you feel scared and vulnerable

Absolutely this. He doesn't need time away from you to think OP. He gets plenty of that on the rig. Either its a power play, 'punishment' for you getting angry, or he's seeing how it might go with another woman while keeping his options open (sorry.) Whichever, it's totally unacceptable to keep you hanging. Completely agree with the above.
5128gap · 14/04/2022 19:04

@Fluffymule

I’d be tempted, next time he messages to ask how you are, to simply reply that you are good, actually finding it useful to have the time and space to do a lot of thinking yourself and now taking the opportunity to work out how you want to move forward in the future too.

Let him see you are not without agency in this, that you have self-respect and will not put up with manipulative games where he takes all control.

And remember this is true! You decide what you want and what you do, and that includes what you will and won’t put up with in terms of how other people treat you.

Agree. In fact I feel a Beautiful South song coming on...!
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 19:17

He seems a little more chatty since the comment actually. But iv wrapped it up. Not playing that game not tonight shit dick 🤣

OP posts:
PrincessPaws · 14/04/2022 19:27

Why the hell do all these men seem to think that it is entirely up to them whether a relationship continues? Why is it always them that get the 'thinking time'?

Fuck that, I'd be making sure he knew that I would also be using the time to decide if I wanted to be with him. He does not hold all the power here, don't let him think he does.

PrincessPaws · 14/04/2022 19:30

Clearly hadn't got to @Fluffymule's post when I responded 🤦‍♀️

FinallyHere · 14/04/2022 19:45

The kids stay with me once a week whilst he's away

Honestly, what is the point of that from the children's point of view ?

And as for him 'needing time out to decide' I would not be having that. Take away his power to choose by telling him to sling his hook. Your life will be so much better without him. Blending families that quickly will not have been without its issues.

Your DC deserve your undivided attention

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 19:57

@FinallyHere

The kids stay with me once a week whilst he's away

Honestly, what is the point of that from the children's point of view ?

And as for him 'needing time out to decide' I would not be having that. Take away his power to choose by telling him to sling his hook. Your life will be so much better without him. Blending families that quickly will not have been without its issues.

Your DC deserve your undivided attention

His kids stay over once a week and full day so when he's away for up to 6 weeks at a time they still see my children and me and our home. It keeps some continuity for them And also helps out childcare one day for the mum his ex. We are meant to be moving into our house we've renovated 5 mins down the road from the high school they will attend and more so for his children to be able to call in when they like as they are getting older. The kids seem to love coming whilst he's away .
OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 19:59

And we've done this since day 1 3.5 years of living together x

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 20:12

We didn't introduce kids to us or each other either for a year prior to it

OP posts:
rollinghillz · 14/04/2022 22:28

I would subtly become cool, busy and disinterested.

BlametheMachines · 15/04/2022 00:44

It could be another woman or multiples. My old neighbour worked on the rigs and he used to tell me how they had visits to prostitutes and bars on shore all the time.

YerAWizardHarry · 15/04/2022 00:52

As someone from Aberdeen and when I used dating sites to get an INSANE amount of “in a hotel near the heliport for the night Wink” type messages. Like at least daily.