Urgent! He needs time out of the blue

[kellyprincess5]

Need support or a hand hold feeling so sad and desperate for it to work
Right now.

We've been together 4 years lived as a blended family over 3 years, and luckily the kids get on great. He works away a month back a month and financially in a reasonably position. I'm self employed and juggle the kids with help whilst he is away.

We entered money issues in Covid as he was off work 4 months and I was (self employed) we had to use savings credit cards and although these payments are manageable now we've returned to work did cause a lot of stress in the meantime. I also got pregnant by error and suffered a miscarriage which made me feel low and I know he was down about it and money at the time but I wasn't in a place where I could support how he was feeling on reflection.

He went back to work got a great promotion and things were great for us but it was short lived and made redundant, which then caused us a few stresses and bickers as i was still
Rebuilding my business back. He got another job and the money is manageable but I know he is anxious about this new job and the debts but so far so good. Around this time he wrote off our second car and although wasn't intentional it was silly and has now cost us needing to get a new one. I did get angry when it happened and did say things I didn't mean. But we got through it and things have been great.

When I say great been paying it off planning to continue the work needed in the house and trips away date nights family days. Lots of love you missing you calls lots of affection. But the other night after a bad day with the kids I had a bit of a rant, and yes I did go on. He supported me through it and all was great we even booked a weekend away!

The next day he mentioned out of the blue that he had felt unhappy with us not money for a while but didn't say anything to protect us and decided to just say on Monday. He wants time to think and limited contact so can make his decision by weekend when he is home. I was upset and shocked and said that had he have said I couldve worked on things, you don't know someone is unhappy until they say. He works 7 days a week 12 hour days in North Sea so no chance of another woman.

Iv followed his request and reply simply when he messages me but any advice support any ring to help fix this im game for as all has been Amazing up to this hiccup. And nothing compared to rows friends have had with their partners. Any words of wisdom good or bad xx

Il have to presume he's cheating then or there's an OW. I was originally thinking more on the line of depression or trying to teach me a lesson. Will see how next few days go, Thankyou everyone for your replies really appreciate it x

Update! He's rang me a couple of times, and been messaging a little but still needs time to think. He said if he wanted it to be over definitely he would've ended it there and then. But he can't 'promise' anything as he can't put his finger on what isn't right lately but hoping the space time gives him time to remember all the good times

He wants to have a really
Good chat when he's home in a couple of days, he said that he's sorry it appeared to come out of the blue but it just sort of came out then. He's been trying to protect us and work on it alone. Still just feeling so crappy more limbo waiting time.

In meantime iv checked laptop iPad and locations also been checking out all dating sites no sign yet of anything. Various searches Aberdeen locations alsorts. Just to try abs make sense. No spending suspiciously or moving money out of accounts. No spends on credit cards since the night we were together in Aberdeen.

Now just wondering how to play out Sunday xx

He wants you on the backfoot- he wants you worried
He will be issueing all sorts of conditions which he expects you to bend over backwards to achieve.
Listen to what he has to say- offer nothing when he is speaking and when he has finished tell hi YOU need time to digest what he has said and you will repsond when YOU are ready

@storminateacupagain

He wants you on the backfoot- he wants you worried He will be issueing all sorts of conditions which he expects you to bend over backwards to achieve. Listen to what he has to say- offer nothing when he is speaking and when he has finished tell hi YOU need time to digest what he has said and you will repsond when YOU are ready

Yes that's a great reply! Just not sure if he actually is preparing me or wanting to Mike you say set conditions and rules. Just have to listen and play it cool I guess x

'I've had a little time ... '

But same time what do I do if he turns round and wants to end it. Won't benefit him anymore financially for sure, but same time can I get past being treated like this. Felt happy despite setbacks we had been through before all this

Let him say his piece. Then say you need time to think about what has been said before you reply.
Do not cry beg or grovel if he wants to end it - walk away head held high and cry in the corner if you must.
How dare he spring all this on you from so far away ,leaving you to stew over what’s wrong to until gets home. Get angry.

You have his kids once a week while he’s away? If so, he’s taking the piss.

Look, he may or may not have another love interest, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. What you have is a situation where two women are doing the vast majority of parenting for his kids. Does his track record with his first wife/partner give you any insight? Sometimes you don’t have to cherchez la femme, just look at the man. I do think families where a parent works away for long stretches have a really testing time, and I’d find it very difficult personally. It would make me wonder why a man with two families doesn’t either look for a different job that keeps him closer to home, or why he isn’t eager to be in touch regularly.

When you say blended, I am not sure if you have children together, or if you have children from a previous relationship. Sorry if I have missed that. If you have children together, I’d seriously consider if he is repeating a pattern from his first marriage, and is content to be a very occasional father. Meantime, you are providing love and care to his kids, while he’s away. Either way, it’s not a good look for him.

He's always worked on the rigs since before he had children with his ex, and he does it for the money. He's tried other positions working Monday to Friday in the gaps of contracts renewing and had less time. He had them around 3/4 nights a week the whole month he is off. More when we take them on holiday. jSo from his point of view more than a lot of dads see their kids in a split situation. He's very keen to have them and makes no excuses to not have them and we always do the extra if asked or to help out.

Same with my children, we don't have children together and we both don't want anymore as we have plenty between us. He does all the school runs for them when he is home and takes them to activities so my parents have virtually the month off. And when my kids go off to their dads we have free time for a date night away etc which we do regularly as well as trips out for the kids when we have them all.

His kids contact mine a lot when they aren't together, and other than the odd bicker regarding gaming who's won or lost we haven't had any flare ups between the kids when all together. It's a mad house but we also have quieter times.

Suppose I now just have to await his feelings

@FrancescaContini

You have his kids once a week while he’s away? If so, he’s taking the piss.

Well no, not necessarily. If he still.suports the household financially whilst he's away it seems fair enough.

Hope things work out for you OP, one way or another.

As soon as you said “works away” I thought “OW”. When you said oil and gas industry I was convinced. I’d say the majority of them are playing away in some shape or form. Sorry.

I would definitely not be letting this man make you an option. Arrogant knob. Assuming that you’ll be waiting meekly at home, looking after his kids and home, while he sits up on his big man throne deigning to make a decision about your future.

I earn well and always have despite being closed in Covid a period of time and his job very much provides for the family and he makes sure of it whilst away. Joint accounts etc.

Yes not sure how I will feel either way but not long to wait x

@BitOutOfPractice

As soon as you said “works away” I thought “OW”. When you said oil and gas industry I was convinced. I’d say the majority of them are playing away in some shape or form. Sorry.

I would definitely not be letting this man make you an option. Arrogant knob. Assuming that you’ll be waiting meekly at home, looking after his kids and home, while he sits up on his big man throne deigning to make a decision about your future.

Yeah iv defo got some thinking to start doing myself also

I think I must be reading a different thread to a lot of others here. I don’t think he’s got another woman, I just think he’s had enough of how you treat him…

1. you admit you totally ignored his worrying about finances and his emotions regarding your miscarriage.

2. when he was in an accident so bad it wrote off the car he was in, rather than just be glad he was still alive and not critically injured you say you got angry and said things you didn’t mean. This is despite the fact that when you get together he paid off all your debt AND bought you a car.

3. he was made redundant, so clearly no fault of his, but you say that lead to bickering. Why? Again, where was your support?

4. YOU had a bad day, and so decided to rant on and on at him about it.

He’s supposed to be your partner, not your emotional and verbal punching bag. I’d be needing some space from you too to be honest. Maybe some self reflection on how you have contributed to this situation might be helpful going forward.

Wow Monty!

1. Where does she say she ignored his worry about finances? And the poor woman had a miscarriage. Give her a break.

1. Where does it say it was a bad accident that could’ve killed him? It doesn’t have to be an injury inducing accident to write a car off. You've made that up. You’ve also made the bit up about him paying off her debts and buying the car. They had joint debts caused by the pandemic when neither of them worked.

1. Having a rant about a bad day every once in a while does not make a partner an “emotional punchbag”.

You’ve done a massive amount of projecting there. You ok?

1. I’d say it lead to bickering because of the financial strain it caused. And bickering is, by it’s nature, two way so he bickered too.

Well to balance the rather strange conclusion drawn by Monty OP, I actually think he's won life's lottery with you.
I don't think I've ever read of such a thoughtful and generous attitude towards step children than yours. You seem to have worked incredibly hard to create what sounds like an lovely family life, 50% of the time on your own, and despite your own struggles. Don't let anyone convince you that occasionally venting negates your otherwise huge contribution to the life of this man and his children.
Sadly, some men are so entitled its never enough, they simply don't know how lucky they are.
And even worse, their entitlement is reinforced when people like Monty above collude with them to expect a level of perfection in women that you'd never dream of finding in a man.

Yeah I expected someone to Il pipe up negatively at some point. I appreciate what he's done for me financially in the beginning and to be honest I admit I could've supported him more regarding the miscarriage and was in an awful place myself. Since then I have supported him, and although was angry of the nature of how he wrote the car off and vented I did say we would sort together and thankful he was alive and nobody was hurt. Since the pandemic we've managed to get our house and start work on it from some of my cash back from property with an ex and his own. But I understand people will have their own view. We had a much more positive phone conversation this morning . So will just see how that goes and keep doing nice things with the kids to keep me busy xx

For all wondering he came home straight off. Shift and drive his car out the drive and fell asleep at the wheel. Crashed it into the post, and the damage to body work and radiator was too much to fix. Nobody got hurt. I was out dropping kids at school and heading to work. X

It's our second car we only use when he's home so slightly older and not as easy to repair as Main car. Haven't told the prick yet that my bonus will cover getting a new one. Will see how Sunday goes first x

I also told him to wait to go to the gym til he had a sleep but as usual he knows better. We had a big hug and I came out of work to check he was ok. The argument about him being wreckless came later on x

Also I am spending my time thinking about my part in this not blaming him at all. Il take ownership over anything iv done to contribute x

@BitOutOfPractice I’m sure there is some projecting in there. We all bring our life experiences to the table, and they will influence our view of things.

I’ve had 2 miscarriages, and they were devastating. But I was still able to recognise the impact it had on my DP. We supported each other.

It’s possible the car was written of in a way that would have meant no danger of injury to the OPs DP, but it’s not that likely is it? Again, having done that myself I vividly remember how much I was thinking “oh shit, I’ve annihilated his car, how do I tell him”, so again some projection. I also remember the only thing he was worried about was if I was ok. As he said to me, it’s just a car.

The OP herself wrote in one of her replies ”Not that I care about this at this point but Financially when we got together he paid off a little debt I had and he bought me a car, which I appreciated and that allowed me to pursue my business.” I most certainly did not make that up!

The fact the op has mentioned the bickering, and the ranting, would suggest to me she can see that it was something that perhaps wasn’t fair or helpful, so I’m simply saying maybe she look at if a bit more insight into why it happens, and if it is necessary would be helpful going forward.

That he needed space after an outburst (and the op mentioning saying things she didn’t mean and about the bickering) would suggest it’s more likely to be related to that. It doesn’t sound very healthy to me. Have you ever said something negative you didn’t mean to your dp in the heat of the moment when you are really angry? I haven’t. To be honest we don’t often get that angry with each other. We also don’t bicker when there’s a problem. It all sounds very stressful, and not great as far as a partnership goes.

Monty your entitled to your opinion so that's fine. Hope you never find yourself in a position like im in.

The comment regarding the car and debt when I said I don't care about this right now was in relation to comments where people presumed I getting nothing out of the relationship emotionally or financially so he was all take sort of thing. We started the relationship off like that with a debt free start and it was a shame my business was forced to shut and he was made redundant: since then we've battled on and got a house using my money and his and we've helped each other since. I have helped significantly with needing a loan he had with his ex with a bonus I received also, which I didn't feel was necessary in my original post to point out,

This if going on about a very small section of the relationship six months in 2020 and now just recently. I forgot to add he has been using steroids also so have been battling to get him to be more sensible.

Yes iv said things in the heat of the moment but so has he abs we've resolved each time. Really not been many times we've never had a big bust up where one leaves or any aggression nothing like that.

We've been away trips with kids and been having a much better time of things with over half the debt paid off. And it's a manageable amount to pay back with our earnings.Things lately on the surface have been great since the car and before the rant x

On Friday I had received beautiful flowers abs a gift to say he was thinking of me only days before the rant. At the start of his trip I had packed a little surprise for him. It's equal we both try to make the effort and care on most occasions. There has just been the odd bicker here and there x