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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Urgent! He needs time out of the blue

115 replies

kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 15:55

Need support or a hand hold feeling so sad and desperate for it to work
Right now.

We've been together 4 years lived as a blended family over 3 years, and luckily the kids get on great. He works away a month back a month and financially in a reasonably position. I'm self employed and juggle the kids with help whilst he is away.

We entered money issues in Covid as he was off work 4 months and I was (self employed) we had to use savings credit cards and although these payments are manageable now we've returned to work did cause a lot of stress in the meantime. I also got pregnant by error and suffered a miscarriage which made me feel low and I know he was down about it and money at the time but I wasn't in a place where I could support how he was feeling on reflection.

He went back to work got a great promotion and things were great for us but it was short lived and made redundant, which then caused us a few stresses and bickers as i was still
Rebuilding my business back. He got another job and the money is manageable but I know he is anxious about this new job and the debts but so far so good. Around this time he wrote off our second car and although wasn't intentional it was silly and has now cost us needing to get a new one. I did get angry when it happened and did say things I didn't mean. But we got through it and things have been great.

When I say great been paying it off planning to continue the work needed in the house and trips away date nights family days. Lots of love you missing you calls lots of affection. But the other night after a bad day with the kids I had a bit of a rant, and yes I did go on. He supported me through it and all was great we even booked a weekend away!

The next day he mentioned out of the blue that he had felt unhappy with us not money for a while but didn't say anything to protect us and decided to just say on Monday. He wants time to think and limited contact so can make his decision by weekend when he is home. I was upset and shocked and said that had he have said I couldve worked on things, you don't know someone is unhappy until they say. He works 7 days a week 12 hour days in North Sea so no chance of another woman.

Iv followed his request and reply simply when he messages me but any advice support any ring to help fix this im game for as all has been Amazing up to this hiccup. And nothing compared to rows friends have had with their partners. Any words of wisdom good or bad xx

OP posts:

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 17/04/2022 15:10

Yeah it's a six figure job, and he would be taking home a sizeable pay decrease not working away so that's why he's doing so.

And I do my business for me and for my own back up, and sense of worth.

I had debts with my ex in the beginning because he was drinking and not turning up to work. I did my bit but needed up with a bit on credit which we cleared when we set up home together. I was a single mum managing for years before I met my OH and was happy then as I was until now x

OP posts:

GingerDuo · 17/04/2022 17:15

@kellyprincess5

Yeah it's a six figure job, and he would be taking home a sizeable pay decrease not working away so that's why he's doing so.

And I do my business for me and for my own back up, and sense of worth.

It's a good wage out there! My current DP works offshore as well amazingly as I swore never again haha but he's a different kinda guy.

I really hope this is a blip and all turns out good for you OP. Is there a significant birthday or anything looming? My ex really went off the rails at turning 40 for example. I couldn't wait - all those parties haha!

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 17/04/2022 18:29

No big birthday but his auntie died recently who he lost touch with and hadnt spoke to for years. I supported him even went to the funeral. So nothing else I can think of but will
Wrack my brains. Thanks for the well wishes x

OP posts:

Stevie6 · 17/04/2022 18:55

Jesus we are doing something wrong then as we aren't on 6 figure pay 😂😂

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 17/04/2022 20:34

The higher wage helps when they have a month or 2 between contracts for savings. But when it's a long gap between and uncertainly it's a lot of money to be without x

OP posts:

Stevie6 · 17/04/2022 22:12

Offshore is so unpredictable, great when you get a good run, awful when it goes quiet.

Things ok this evening? Is it tomorrow he's back?

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 18/04/2022 07:22

He's home, talked for ages last night. And will be continuing to talk over the next few days, and a lot of things I didn't know anything about, his health being one of them. Also prepared to take steps regarding feeling low also.

His mindset is positive towards fixing it and I feel a bit like iv pulled away in the process of this week long wait to talk. I'd been thinking of potential cheating which he assured me isn't the case, showed me phone laptop but we all know it could be easy to cover up. Showed me his emails etc. I almost felt past caring at that point.

Trying to be an active listener and find my feet with things, see how I feel as we settle back into home life, see if we can work through things.

Got to try and work through an Easter fun day with kids first today without making them aware of an issue.

Thankyou for asking though.

OP posts:

GingerDuo · 18/04/2022 09:53

Really pleased you're talking and he's positive. Also seems like he's not cheating although maybe I'm naïve- I don't think so though. Not all offshore/onshore/men are the same!

Stevie6 · 18/04/2022 10:46

Glad you're talking, sometimes them being offshore when they have things on their mind isn't the best thing as everything is always magnified when they're away, it's all they have to think about and there's no escape. Hope you manage a nice day with the kids today.

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 18/04/2022 10:51

Thankyou everyone. Trying to just keep busy and not dwell on making everything a big 'talk'

OP posts:

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 18/04/2022 10:51

Focusing on fun with the kids and can try to work things out around it x

OP posts:

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 18/04/2022 10:57

If it doesn't work it doesn't work, can only try x

OP posts:

ThatshallotBaby · 18/04/2022 12:43

@kellyprincess5
I hope you are having a nice day. I think you are right to keep things chatty and fun during the day, and try and gave another chat this evening.
Hope all goes well for you.

Graphista · 18/04/2022 14:23

My thoughts are :

1 ow fairly likely women work in the oil industry too plus I'm thinking you only have his word he's at sea when he says he is, plus affairs can happen even when you think he's only at work or home seen that plenty of times on here

2 prepare yourself for a potential split - emotionally and practically/financially

3 don't dance to his tune, have your own tune! What immediately comes to mind is the song "a little time" by the beautiful south. He's having his time, have your own, really consider what you want/need

I'm afraid I am also thinking moving in together happened way too soon. Especially with a man who is away half the time!

Too late to make a difference here but worth bearing in mind for the future

Reading between the lines I'm afraid it also sounds like you can be quite hard on him at times. You always say "but we moved on from that..." you might have perhaps he wasn't able to. Did you just sweep these incidents under the rug? Did you apologise sincerely ? Make any attempt to change this behaviour? Not that this is excuses his response as if this is the issue then he needs to be clear and say so not effectively run away and expect you to be a kind reader!

I would find it hard to live with that but equally I'm aware I can be a bit like that myself and I try to work on that when I can we all have our faults.

The only thing he could work on alone that would affect your relationship is an affair or potential affair. Anything else needs your input

Any women on the oil rigs aren't ' women' as he said they are butch and like men not my words.

Well isn't he a charmer? Plus that sounds rather deflective to me!

Your physical attractiveness or not actually has little to do with whether he cheats it's more nuanced than that, I've known plenty of men cheat with objectively less attractive women than their wife or partner.

Hopefully it's all getting sorted out now but be cautious and don't be misled into thinking all is well - this came from somewhere.

Original poster

kellyprincess5 · 18/04/2022 14:51

Thankyou all
For your replies and input, will
Update in the near future x

OP posts:

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