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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent! He needs time out of the blue

115 replies

kellyprincess5 · 14/04/2022 15:55

Need support or a hand hold feeling so sad and desperate for it to work
Right now.

We've been together 4 years lived as a blended family over 3 years, and luckily the kids get on great. He works away a month back a month and financially in a reasonably position. I'm self employed and juggle the kids with help whilst he is away.

We entered money issues in Covid as he was off work 4 months and I was (self employed) we had to use savings credit cards and although these payments are manageable now we've returned to work did cause a lot of stress in the meantime. I also got pregnant by error and suffered a miscarriage which made me feel low and I know he was down about it and money at the time but I wasn't in a place where I could support how he was feeling on reflection.

He went back to work got a great promotion and things were great for us but it was short lived and made redundant, which then caused us a few stresses and bickers as i was still
Rebuilding my business back. He got another job and the money is manageable but I know he is anxious about this new job and the debts but so far so good. Around this time he wrote off our second car and although wasn't intentional it was silly and has now cost us needing to get a new one. I did get angry when it happened and did say things I didn't mean. But we got through it and things have been great.

When I say great been paying it off planning to continue the work needed in the house and trips away date nights family days. Lots of love you missing you calls lots of affection. But the other night after a bad day with the kids I had a bit of a rant, and yes I did go on. He supported me through it and all was great we even booked a weekend away!

The next day he mentioned out of the blue that he had felt unhappy with us not money for a while but didn't say anything to protect us and decided to just say on Monday. He wants time to think and limited contact so can make his decision by weekend when he is home. I was upset and shocked and said that had he have said I couldve worked on things, you don't know someone is unhappy until they say. He works 7 days a week 12 hour days in North Sea so no chance of another woman.

Iv followed his request and reply simply when he messages me but any advice support any ring to help fix this im game for as all has been Amazing up to this hiccup. And nothing compared to rows friends have had with their partners. Any words of wisdom good or bad xx

OP posts:
Stevie6 · 16/04/2022 15:00

There is A LOT of ignorance regarding offshore work on this thread, still laughing at them laying on choppers to take them to see prostitutes and go to the pub 😂😂😂.

Op it's tough with a DP in this business, but please take a lot of these replies with a pinch of salt, hope it all works out for you

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 16/04/2022 15:28

@Stevie6

There is A LOT of ignorance regarding offshore work on this thread, still laughing at them laying on choppers to take them to see prostitutes and go to the pub 😂😂😂.

Op it's tough with a DP in this business, but please take a lot of these replies with a pinch of salt, hope it all works out for you

Yeah I know, very paranoid about OW now but realistically not sure when he's had chance. He works in the sea I suppose a lot of them work on land or like others say cheat the other side in Aberdeen. I was with him the last night though can't account for all times I haven't stayed there. Had a really positive phone call his end, today and last night. But we will see x
OP posts:
Chilledchablis1 · 16/04/2022 16:05

Stevie6

“There is A LOT of ignorance regarding offshore work on this thread, still laughing at them laying on choppers to take them to see prostitutes and go to the pub 😂😂😂.

Op it's tough with a DP in this business, but please take a lot of these replies with a pinch of salt, hope it all works out for you“

Unless I missed it I don’t think anyone suggested that choppers collected and dropped off workers to visit prostitutes . But affairs are very possible . My exh started taking an earlier train to Aberdeen and a later one home after his trips . At first he said it was to relax before and after ( while I held the fort with DC who were then very young !) but a bit of digging by me discovered he was cheating.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 16/04/2022 16:38

I understand some cheating may happen iv always been aware of stories iv been told about remote workers. But decided to give it a go. Hope I don't live to regret that

OP posts:
5128gap · 16/04/2022 17:37

OP, it's good to try to see your part in it, but try not to do what so many women do, and shoulder all the blame.
A miscarriage is awful for you both, but your feelings take priority. You both had to deal with the emotional side, but for you it was physical and hormonal too, so your need for support was greater.
You were not wrong to be angry about the car crash. He was hugely irresponsible to drive when as tired as he was, he coukd have killed someone. Also, anyone with any emotional intelligence knows that fear and shock can manifest as an angry outburst.
Similarly you venting about other issues. Unless you're constantly on at him all day, or verbally abusing him, a relationship should be able to stand the odd less than perfect behaviour when people are under strain. And like I said, it sounds like he has a very good deal with you, so its about balancing it out.
By all means hear him out, but don't let him convince you that it's all on you.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 16/04/2022 17:53

@5128gap

OP, it's good to try to see your part in it, but try not to do what so many women do, and shoulder all the blame. A miscarriage is awful for you both, but your feelings take priority. You both had to deal with the emotional side, but for you it was physical and hormonal too, so your need for support was greater. You were not wrong to be angry about the car crash. He was hugely irresponsible to drive when as tired as he was, he coukd have killed someone. Also, anyone with any emotional intelligence knows that fear and shock can manifest as an angry outburst. Similarly you venting about other issues. Unless you're constantly on at him all day, or verbally abusing him, a relationship should be able to stand the odd less than perfect behaviour when people are under strain. And like I said, it sounds like he has a very good deal with you, so its about balancing it out. By all means hear him out, but don't let him convince you that it's all on you.
Yeah I'm going to be strong and I'm just tinning of calm responses for certain things he may say without taking all blame. We've talked a lot more today, from his doing. So it's an improvement and less Awkward for when he comes back. Just need to get through next 24 hours and try and think rationally. Thankyou everyone x
OP posts:
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 16/04/2022 20:20

Uh … hang on a sec.
He’s trying to get off steroids and you have lent / given him money?
I appreciate that you say he has also lent / given you money - and now you have blended finances by the sound of it? - but you’ve known this guy for 4 years? You moved in together after a year max by the sound of it. How old are your respective kids?

I can’t tell you what he means when he says he wants some space, nobody can. All we can do is go by the broader dynamics of your relationship. It does sound as though you do a lot for him.

Stevie6 · 16/04/2022 20:45

@Chilledchablis1 it's weird, I definitely didn't dream the comment but can't see it now, said along the lines of "my ex neighbour worked on the rigs and said they regularly had trips back to visit prostitutes and pubs". Me and the DH had a good laugh about it

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 16/04/2022 22:11

Sorry not had chance to reply to everyone. Currently on the phone talking. Nervous for the face to face discussion but trying to relax. X

OP posts:
rosiebl · 16/04/2022 22:33

My DH works North Sea OP. All they have offshore is time to think. I find it so odd that he's asked for time while he's working, not while at home. And seemingly from nowhere too. It's very suspicious. BTW, there are women working on rigs, so don't rule it out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/04/2022 00:58

All this stress (him asking for space while keeping you hanging by still messaging as if things are normal ie not then actually giving you space) plus you look after his kids while he's away PLUS he's a steroid (drug) user.

Is this really someone you think is a good role model for your children?

Someone you think will be a reliable and stable partner for the rest of your life?

Someone capable of putting your relationship first?

Really?!

Fitbachick · 17/04/2022 03:02

Sorry to say but just because he works offshore does not mean he does not have a OW, as there are plenty of female workers offshore.

Fitbachick · 17/04/2022 03:37

@kellyprincess5 you state the searches are areas around Aberdeen do you know what areas? As would know by the place names if he would be there with work.

Walkingalot · 17/04/2022 04:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 17/04/2022 06:38

Aberdeen I know well plus a friend lives nearby in respect of all the areas. His location by phone/watch is in North Sea and hasn't moved for weeks. Any women on the oil rigs aren't ' women' as he said they are butch and like men not my words. But could be a possibility. Not ruling it out. I'd like to mention he's bio children have not received a message from him in this time of thinking but mine have which is odd. But will find out more about that.

The space and time to think stopped yesterday we text all day his texts always starting the Conversation and rang me twice and asked to call me this morning.

All steroid related stuff has gone here from the house and he would struggle to get out there but possibility. So as far as I'm aware he's stopped suddenly, which surely will have a negative effect on your body and mentally also, but I can't deal with that just yet until we talk plus I need to decide if I need all this.

In the nicest way possible I'm trying to think why he would feel the need. Sexually he can't keep his hands off me the whole time. I'm not overweight i go to the gym and home workouts if I don't get chance. I work in the beauty industry so fairly well groomed. Always get compliments. So if he's cheating he's just a greedy pig basically. As not once has he said I'm unattractive. And I'm not allowing him to think it's anything wrong with me

OP posts:
GingerDuo · 17/04/2022 07:06

My ex worked offshore and cheated constantly. Regular women in Aberdeen and in our home town. A very high percentage of his colleagues, but not all, were the same.
Also on dating/sex sites and loved the attention and chatting to women who stroked his ego among other thingsHmm. I found him repeatedly on the sites and even saw him when we'd finished and he was married again. And still now he's having an affair with a local woman.
I agree with the PP all they have offshore is time to think!
He didn't use steroids but lots of performance enhancing stuff which affected his moods hugely to the extent I refused to let him buy certain ones as it was so extreme!
Good luck OP Flowers

GingerDuo · 17/04/2022 07:07

And no the women offshore are not butch! However offshore they'd have to be very discreet to get away with it but it's not impossible!

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 17/04/2022 07:17

I don't think Il ever be able to know in the future about OW and dating sex sites when he's away. I'd simply be going off his word.

I really wasn't thinking about it before this week but I will be doing now whatever happens. Which isn't what I want to be spending the month thinking about each time he's away or 6 weeks if rota changes.

He's suggested a job at home but would be a pay cut I imagine, so could consider it after the last bit of Covid debt catch up. Just more if we can get past stuff now. Thinking of all the time he could've done it and pretended to be happy.

Will just be so sad to not see his children when we've got a great bond if that's how it goes and will be sad for mine. But thinking time before tonight now my end

OP posts:
Faevern · 17/04/2022 07:30

Oh he is walking all over you and not only are you allowing it to happen but are hoping he’s going to come to his senses soon and say he wants to stay.

He wants space and time to think. How much space and time away does he need on the rigs? He’s still contacting you, just to keep you hanging on.

Flowers and baths are tokens compared to his actions, he could be chatting to loads of women, one woman or none. But he’s definitely treating you badly and you are looking for excuses, including blaming yourself.

However your whole relationship sounds beset with issues, moving in so quickly, a pandemic, job losses, building up a business, redundancy, blending the family, childcare, him working away so much, how much do you actually know each other?

So many distractions in such a short time, so many rants, bickering and disagreements, have either of you had time to actually get to know each other or think how you really feel? Or have you just moved from one practicality or disagreement to the next?

Needing space after 4 years? Fuck that, he’s had the upper hand for almost a week, don’t be waiting for his crumbs.

Fitbachick · 17/04/2022 09:44

@kellyprincess5 Sorry but i know of some women who work offshore and they most definitely are not “butch” more like absolutely stunning. So this is not true OP..
Did not want to ask this but is your DP from north east England?

TalkingCat · 17/04/2022 09:54

I'd never, ever, ever get involved with a man who 'works away'. 99% of the time that's code for cheating. Just.....run away as far and as fast as you can if you meet a man and they work away. As fast as your legs can carry you. Is there any reason who he can't get an actual normal job?

TheBigDilemma · 17/04/2022 09:57

OP, most of us get surprised when a relationship ends and think it came out of the blue, but once the shock wears off and you look back you can see the signs we’re all over the place.

I wouldn’t torture myself with the idea of another woman, the plain reality is that as many couples, you have struggled a lot during the lockdowns, you had a difficult time with money and above all a miscarriage, that may be far too much for a new relationship, especially when you spend long periods apart.

I would give him the space he needs and wants, this not the time to call the shots and push him further with demands when you have been together for just a short time, your relationship is not yet established enough to survive that. My guess is that by having a go about the children and particularly his children, after a number of difficult months, he has felt the need to slow down and re evaluate the situation.

Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 17/04/2022 10:24

[quote Fitbachick]@kellyprincess5 Sorry but i know of some women who work offshore and they most definitely are not “butch” more like absolutely stunning. So this is not true OP..
Did not want to ask this but is your DP from north east England?[/quote]
Not from North east England no

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyprincess5 · 17/04/2022 10:53

@TheBigDilemma

OP, most of us get surprised when a relationship ends and think it came out of the blue, but once the shock wears off and you look back you can see the signs we’re all over the place.

I wouldn’t torture myself with the idea of another woman, the plain reality is that as many couples, you have struggled a lot during the lockdowns, you had a difficult time with money and above all a miscarriage, that may be far too much for a new relationship, especially when you spend long periods apart.

I would give him the space he needs and wants, this not the time to call the shots and push him further with demands when you have been together for just a short time, your relationship is not yet established enough to survive that. My guess is that by having a go about the children and particularly his children, after a number of difficult months, he has felt the need to slow down and re evaluate the situation.

Wasnt planning on making any demands and not complained about his children at all they were not involved in my conversation about the children. I'd had a difficult day I was not abusive.

Anyway conversation was a positive one from his perspective I did a lot more listening until we will be face to face, but I'm just going to think about everything we've been through as to the next step.

Iv got a lot of perspective and Thankyou for everyone's input.

OP posts:
GingerDuo · 17/04/2022 14:42

@TalkingCat

I'd never, ever, ever get involved with a man who 'works away'. 99% of the time that's code for cheating. Just.....run away as far and as fast as you can if you meet a man and they work away. As fast as your legs can carry you. Is there any reason who he can't get an actual normal job?
The money is fantastic and especially for what are lots of manual labour type roles. My ex literally worked his way up with zero qualifications and was on 6 figure salary for working 6 months of the year