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Original poster

Why would a woman go to a refuge for no reason?

116 replies

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:10

In my mind they wouldn't, right?

DP has a family friend, whose wife recently suddenly left and went to a refuge, with their small dc. DPs entire family, who have known this man since he was a child, are maintaining that he has done nothing wrong and in fact he is the victim here. That she was abusive to him, as that is what he is telling everyone.

A case has since gone to court and the man now has supervised contact with his dc.

It came up yesterday again in conversation and I again said, look we dont know all the details, but I can't imagine a woman leaving her comfortable house with her small dc for no reason what so ever or because she was the abusive one.
DP is saying his(this mans) family are now saying the wife is mentally unstable and thats the reason. They are refusing to think that this man could possibly be in any way responsible and although none of my business, I find it a bit sick that they are all 'poor him, he doesn't deserve this', 'poor him, he is so upset by it all'.

I have only met this couple on 2 occasions, though DP knows them very well. On both occasions, she did not seem mentally unwell, she was quiet and quite shy and very introverted. He was loud, brash and quite honestly the first time I met him I did think what an entitled little twat he seemed. Both occasions he had nothing to with his dc, she looked after them 100% while he got drunk.

I suppose i'm frustrated DP is refusing to believe this man could have done anything (despite him saying he was always a bit of a little shit as a teenager). I just want him to keep an open mind, but also to stop vilifying this woman, as it is in my opinion highly highly likely she is the abused victim here.

I mean women who have abused their partner do not just leave for no reason and go live in a refuge do they? Leaving the man in their house with all the luxuries?

And the fact he has supervised contact and not just regular contact, isn't that an indication that the courts are not convinced he is innocent?

I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it, but I feel bad this woman seems to have no one on her side (she has no family here, I think she has a mother abroad still)

OP posts:

Samanabanana · 13/04/2022 13:12

Yanbu

growinggreyer · 13/04/2022 13:14

I am glad you say DP and not DH. Think very carefully what this is telling you about your own relationship and what the narrative will be if anything goes wrong in it.

theskyispurple · 13/04/2022 13:14

I'd go one step further and find a way to practically and emotionally support this woman, and tell your dh and his family that they are utter fuckers

TerraNovaTwo · 13/04/2022 13:20

Of course they'll maintain he's not an abuser and she's mentally unwell. Utter shits.

This is a classic case of domestic abuse and why and how speaking out against and fleeing DA is still very much taboo.

HirplesWithHaggis · 13/04/2022 13:22

You can't just turn up at a refuge and demand admittance. I'm a former Women's Aid worker (many years ago) and even then we were often full, though we could find you a place somewhere. I was shocked to discover that even a decade ago, many WA groups don't even have refuges, and that situation won't have improved with cuts in funding since.

So if she's in a refuge, it's because she needs it.

Original poster

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:23

I'd go one step further and find a way to practically and emotionally support this woman,
That is what I am feeling I want to do. I really can't grasp how they all think he is totally innocent here. They (not DP though)say things like that bitch took his kids away from him, how dare she.
Thing is I don't know her well and I don't know exactly where she is right now.

OP posts:

cornflakedreams · 13/04/2022 13:23

I think a better question is why your DP automatically disbelieves a female victim and villifies her?

Or indeed why he is entertaining such misogynistic and ableist beliefs?

Because your question begins from a point of accepting the woman is a liar and trying to disprove it. Why is that the starting position? Why is the woman automatically a liar/mentally ill until proven otherwise?

I could not stay in a relationship with anyone who held and defended the misogynistic and ableist beliefs of your DP.

This entire narrative comes straight from the abuser playbook.

Original poster

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:25

So if she's in a refuge, it's because she needs it.

Yes thats what i'm trying to tell them. You can't just turn up because you fancy a break from home. There would have been a process for her to go through and be admitted, probably took her a while to be able to leave.

OP posts:

crackofdoom · 13/04/2022 13:27

I would be standing up for this woman and pointing out that this is a very common abuser narrative, and a transparent attempt to turn her support networks against her. Sounds like she needs allies. Do be prepared for it all to kick off if you DO do that though- it's a great way to learn just how deeply misogyny is embedded in our society.

TerraNovaTwo · 13/04/2022 13:27

@cornflakedreams

I think a better question is why your DP automatically disbelieves a female victim and villifies her?

Or indeed why he is entertaining such misogynistic and ableist beliefs?

I could not stay in a relationship with anyone who held and defended the misogynistic and ableist beliefs of your DP.

This entire narrative comes straight from the abuser playbook.

Every word of this. I would steer well clear of any man who claims a woman who stands up to male violence is mentally unwell.

LetitiaLeghorn · 13/04/2022 13:30

I think if you've known someone for a long time and have never seen them behave badly, it's natural that you would stand up for them. I don't think it means the ops partner is an abuser.

Herja · 13/04/2022 13:30

I have known one woman who did, a few times, but it was a very different situation to this. She was so mentally broken and they were the only people who had ever been there for her; she was in so much need of support and failed by every other support source. And it was all caused by men, if not right then, so she needed their specialist skills.

In this case, I suspect your reading of the situations is entirely right. I'd be pointedly ending any sympathetic conversations about the man and being clear why. Personally, I'd be trying to offer the woman support.

EssexLioness · 13/04/2022 13:32

You are correct. Refuges aren’t an easy option and places are in short supply. I think you have to be pretty desperate to go to one. Years ago I was offered a place but thankfully another option came up. I was terrified to stay in my own home but I must admit I was a bit scared of the idea of going into a refuge too.

Sorry to say but I would think much less of my husband if he shared the views that your dp are sharing.

Original poster

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:33

Yes, DP seems to have accepted the mentally unstable thing from his family. But I've firmly pointed out thats a load of bull. Hes very much in the doesn't want to get involved, not our business camp, but I can tell he is more on this mans side by the way he is dissmissive when I point out some facts. He thinks i'm too invested, but for some reason I feel like its important for me to stick up for her.

I am trying not to cause friction with his family, just stating my little bit and leaving it there. But we have a dinner with this mans family next week and I just know its going to come up and I also know I'll probably end up saying quite a lot.

OP posts:

Lunificent · 13/04/2022 13:33

I couldn’t be with a DP who has these sorts of views, shocking to dismiss what this woman is likely to have been through.

LIZS · 13/04/2022 13:38

If he needed supervised contact things are clearly not being said. Noone heads to a refuge lightly or just to take a break. If family want to be involved supporting housing him elsewhere so they can return to the family home might be a start. Or are they in a place of safety away from him?

Original poster

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:44

To defend DP a bit, he isn't abusive in any way. He has led quite a sheltered life I think in terms of understanding what women put up with and he has said that since meeting me it has really opened his eyes.
But he can't seem to get his head around this man, who he says has never led him to think he is abusive, can do this and its frustrating the hell out of me.
He has said if its all true, which the courts will decide, then he'll want nothing to do with this man.
However, he also seems to think that because he now has contact with his dc that it can't be all true. I have pointed out that its way more complicated than that and half the time men get away with this sort of shit and often they are the ones that friends and neighbours describe as 'really nice guys, we can't beleive it'.
His family are a different matter. They are vehemently denying he could possibly have done anything wrong. I do wish DP would say something to them, instead of just mostly 'keeping out of it'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:46

By mostly keeping out of it, I mean he sympathises with them instead of standing up and saying, well actually, she must have left for a reason type thing.

OP posts:

Jobseeker19 · 13/04/2022 13:46

For some people it's a way to secure housing.

SantaHat · 13/04/2022 13:47

Yes thats what i'm trying to tell them. You can't just turn up because you fancy a break from home.

Nor does a father only get granted limited SUPERVISED contact for no good reason.

tabulahrasa · 13/04/2022 13:48

Yeah you can’t just book into a refuge like a hotel... and courts do not give only supervised contact just because one parent says there’s an issue.

So I’d assume there’s evidence tbh.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 13/04/2022 13:50

It seems pretty difficult to get contact restricted to supervised only. That alone would be a marker for me that the guy has been behaving badly as a husband and father.

Can you get out of this dinner with his family? I can imagine it will be full of conversation about how awful his wife is and you'll end up in a row.

ConfusedNoMore · 13/04/2022 13:50

To have supervised contact only, she had to convince a judge. It's not a low bar to get this. There is a case that he must be a danger to the children or potentially so while awaiting further assessments. No way she went to a refuge AND got a court order with no evidence.

This would put me off my dp. A family member has expressed similar mysogynistic views and I struggle very much with them. He purports to know that loads of women lie about being raped or domestic abuse because he has mates in the police and this is what they tell him. It's a worrying picture of police and attitudes generally imo.

FairyCakeWings · 13/04/2022 13:51

It may be that this man was abusive in ways that aren’t physical and that’s why she left for a refuge, but his family are only thinking about physical abuse.

Original poster

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:52

I am kind of hoping someone in this mans family (and DPs) is on MN and can read these replies.

OP posts:

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