Why would a woman go to a refuge for no reason?

[Bookworm20]

In my mind they wouldn't, right?

DP has a family friend, whose wife recently suddenly left and went to a refuge, with their small dc. DPs entire family, who have known this man since he was a child, are maintaining that he has done nothing wrong and in fact he is the victim here. That she was abusive to him, as that is what he is telling everyone.

A case has since gone to court and the man now has supervised contact with his dc.

It came up yesterday again in conversation and I again said, look we dont know all the details, but I can't imagine a woman leaving her comfortable house with her small dc for no reason what so ever or because she was the abusive one.
DP is saying his(this mans) family are now saying the wife is mentally unstable and thats the reason. They are refusing to think that this man could possibly be in any way responsible and although none of my business, I find it a bit sick that they are all 'poor him, he doesn't deserve this', 'poor him, he is so upset by it all'.

I have only met this couple on 2 occasions, though DP knows them very well. On both occasions, she did not seem mentally unwell, she was quiet and quite shy and very introverted. He was loud, brash and quite honestly the first time I met him I did think what an entitled little twat he seemed. Both occasions he had nothing to with his dc, she looked after them 100% while he got drunk.

I suppose i'm frustrated DP is refusing to believe this man could have done anything (despite him saying he was always a bit of a little shit as a teenager). I just want him to keep an open mind, but also to stop vilifying this woman, as it is in my opinion highly highly likely she is the abused victim here.

I mean women who have abused their partner do not just leave for no reason and go live in a refuge do they? Leaving the man in their house with all the luxuries?

And the fact he has supervised contact and not just regular contact, isn't that an indication that the courts are not convinced he is innocent?

I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it, but I feel bad this woman seems to have no one on her side (she has no family here, I think she has a mother abroad still)

@sweetbellyhigh

As for using "mentally unwell" as a character flaw, that beggars belief.

It would be very surprising if anyone who has suffered abuse to the extent of being driven to seek refuge is able to emerge unscathed by anxiety, depression or PTSD. To then consider that as "evidence" of being unreliable is appalling.

What a bunch of fuckwits.

I completely agree

I thought it was bad enough that this man’s family are spouting this sort of shit. Then I read several posts on here which are frankly utterly disgusting and completely out of touch with the reality of needing to live in or be eligible for a refuge for the overwhelming majority of women.

This man has done something sufficiently serious to warrant supervised contact. That should be enough to tell anyone that things are not as he would have them seem.

Perhaps they might accept more the point that they don't necessarily have to disbelieve the man or take sides, however they don't know what went on behind closed doors and so it's very unfair to malign the woman in this way as often there is little to no evidence of abuse.

@MumE78

As a woman currently living a refuge fleeing emotional & financial abuse I can assure you I waited months to be offered a space here, it is not easy to do and it's been the hardest time of my life doing it.

My ex also portrayed the same narrative about me, dismissing my word against his so I wasn't believed or supported by anyone. That is all part of the cohesive control and manipulation to isolate me.

I was so fragile when I left I couldn't even trust my own thoughts, broken down so much I hardly recognised myself yet no one around us noticed or saw anything.

Keep an open mind, abuse takes many forms and most is not visible to family and friends.

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through that and wish you love, luck and happiness in your future. It takes so much courage to leave x

It is indeed the reason why DA is such a complex issue. The solution for the victim is simple, leave the abuser. But all the follow up is just shame, blame, fear, humillation, allienation, and keep adding and adding.
It is always the same, most abusers do not look like abusers. Otherwise they would not get to keep their victims around. To the outside world, they are perfect!
We all know that, yet here we go, yet again.
I think the court will find the truth, as they have experts in the matter and evaluate all the proof.
Your DP and family are wrong to be negative about her. And in your position, I would not blame him either. You do not know the details. And though facts points to what you are saying, you do not have the details.
Be supportive. You do not know her or him, so nothing for you to get involved there.
But you know your DP and his family, so support them. It is a shock to them. They need some time to adjust and steering to the reality. That something happened and they need to open their eyes. They may find things that are hard to take in.
You do say that court is already taking place, so I assume this has happened a while ago? If so, I would give have a think about my DP's attitude indeed.
If recent, I would give him and family some time to get over their shock and feelings. In RL, not all is reason. I know I have over reacted or being unfair sometimes in my life, when I struggled with my emotions. If I look back I can see I was not ready to face the hard truth.

"Supervised contact " tells the tale.

They wouldn't, it simply doesn't happen. In fact, by the time a woman goes a refuge she has been attacked many times.

I know of a woman who "escaped domestic abuse" (please note that I haven't said violence).

They both say now that they know the marriage was toxic, that they constantly pushed each others buttons.

I've watched since (they're divorced, both now in new relationships), and she is utterly toxic. Still attempts to push his buttons, uses their son as a weapon, has attempted to take time off Dad with the child via court (and lost....Dad got extra time). She actually received legal aid off the back of the DA claim. Not sure if she actually went into a refuge, but when she left she actually left the child behind.

Mum has berated Dad for many years and still calls him abusive. In my opinion it is clear she is the abusive one

YANBU.

I had a very friend years ago who had a sister who was 'happily' married with three children. The sister was very confident and capable and her husband quite quiet and easy going.

I was really shocked one day when my friend told me that her sister said she gets sick of being labelled as a bit of a hen pecker to poor old *Tony.

The actual fact was that he frequently hit her, usually by punching her in the back, where no one would see. She did stay with him and is still with him to this day. They seem nothing but happy when you look at their photos.

No doubt if she'd gone to a refuge he would have been painted as the wronged one.

I'm also sceptical when my DH tells me about a couple who were in their 60s where he is always lovely and friendly and cheerful and she always seemed moody and critical. Why be like that with such a lovely man? Right.

The point is no one knows what goes on in any marriage apart from the two people involved.

If she has mental health issues yoh can put money on it that it’s a result of the DV/A she’s experienced from this bastard who’s clearly digested the Abusive Bastards’ manual and it now regurgitating it for anyone who will listen. Let’s hood professionals involved will see through if - because sometimes , they don’t and instead side with the abuser. I unfortunately have got the T-shirt.

Offer you’d support - and think very carefully about the road you’re travelling with your DP - I’d personally see his attitude as a huff red flag,

She's come out of a very vulnerable position, hasn't she? No family in this country, her mother overseas, surrounded by her DH's family who no doubt fed into the narrative that he could do no wrong. She must have felt desperate, poor woman.

@EssexLioness

SandyY2K

I'll give you another side of this. I do know of a woman who went to a refuge and she was mentally unstable. She was actually abusive towards her kids and wanted to make the dad look bad ...plus it was in a bid to be rehoused.

I heard this from one of her now grown up kids, so I'd say that things are not always good they appear. I was told how she made them say they were scared of their dad and that they hated him.

The marriage had its troubles, but she wasn't innocent and her manipulation of the kids caused a real breakdown in their relationship with their dad. She made them rehearse what to say and none of it was true.

This sounds so much like my mum it is scary to think there are others out there like her. Several differences though: we had to retell these lies to family and friends so they all hated dad and they only split when I was an adult.

Oh she did that and a whole lot more. Trashing the dad on social media to HIS family members, by hacking into the kids accounts, so it looked like they were doing it.

"My dad is crap...he's left us...we're starving, he doesn't care" all that and a whole heap more.

The truth is, you never know as an outsider what is really going on in the relationship.

He may be abusive, but it could be her who is the issue...or both.

Well you don't just walk to a refuge and go 'hi, room for two please'
You get places there by a domestic violence team. And you're correct; the family courts would not make a parent have supervised contact unless they were deemed a safety risk for the child, not even the mother, but the child.

My sister falsley claimed her ex had been physically/emotionally abusive to her during their relationship. They were made homeless due to her not paying the rent of the flat and ended up living in a caravan. So when she got sick of that she claimed she was a victim and moved into a refuge with my nephew. She openly told people she knew that she was in a refuge and that her ex had broken her jaw etc which was all lies. She was kicked out the refuge after a few weeks as she brought a random man she met on the Internet back to the refuge!

Posted earlier and haven't rtft since, but wanted to add that even if this woman did have MH issues that is not excuse for abuse/justify domestic abuse.

Really rotten of your DP and his family to deny abuse has taken place and place it all on the mother who has fleed and taken herself and her children to safety.

If she has mental health issues yoh can put money on it that it’s a result of the DV/A she’s experienced from this bastard

Yep 100%

And the ironic thing is if he had left visible marks/beat her to the point of hospitalisation, as opposed to emotional/psychological abuse, I bet your DP and his lovely family would be spouting off comments like "why didn't she leave him?"

What I am finding astonishing about this thread is the number of people who think it's 50/50 that she's telling the truth. I mean, sure, we know women can of course be abusive. But we also know that statistically, it is a much much smaller likelihood. And yet reading so many of these posts, you'd honestly think that women regularly lie about being abused?

Bizarre. NO wonder so many abused women find it hard to leave. The victim blaming, the shame, the disbelief.... it must be endless.

The misogyny and victim blaming here is pretty vile but not surprising.

Society sticks up for men who abuse women, the same they stick up for men who harm children by CSA.

The statistics don't lie.
The home has become one the top most dangerous place for a woman. Worldwide, the majority of women who are murdered are murdered by their partner or a family member.

There is nothing 50/50 about DV. It's a gendered crime.

DV is up 6% from last year with over 1.5million DA incidents and those are just the ones that were reported. Only about 18% of women experiencing DV reported it to the police in the past 12 months.
There is an average of 100 DV calls per hour in the UK.

2 women per week are murdered by a partner or former partner.
In a woman's lifetime, 1 in 3 women will experience DV.

OP, text the woman and offer your support. She's likely feeling isolated and afraid. You don't have to share that you have with your DP or anyone else as they will be loyal to the abuser.

I've been the woman in this situation. The crazy unstable ex who is using the kids as a weapon. I might have seemed 'crazy' at the time but it was a product of what he did to me and I was trying my hardest to protect my kids. No one believed me at the time and that was the worst thing about it. Until my ex showed his true colours one day and ended up in the newspaper for it. I've had a few people reach out and apologise for the way they treated me, but it is too little too late. Reach out now OP.

@SandyY2K

I'll give you another side of this. I do know of a woman who act to a refuge abs she was mentally unstable. She was actually abusive towards her kids and wanted to make the dad look bad ...plus it was in a bid to be rehoused.

I heard this from one of her now grown up kids, so I'd say that things are not always good they appear. I was told how she made them say they were scared of their dad and that they hated him.

The marriage has its troubles, but she wasn't innocent and her manipulation of the kids caused a real breakdown in their relationship with their dad. She made them rehearse what to say and none of it was true.

I once knew someone who stole a car. My neighbour's got a new car on his drive that he told me he bought. Do you think I should call the police in case he's stolen it?

My exes previous girlfriend ended up in a refuge he claimed it was so she could get support to get her children back he ruined it by demanding she came home and she did she still doesn't have her kids back

@Jobseeker19

For some people it's a way to secure housing.

Knowing a little bit about the system, this is true. It is possible to get your social housing banding raised if you are considered at immediate risk of harm. But it would require support from a DV service, the police or SS. You can't just say "I'm a victim of DV" and get put up a band.

I know of one woman personally who was living with her DP (1 DC pre-school age), they decided they could no longer live together. He owned the house. They agreed that she would request emergency accommodation due to relationship breakdown and after a few months in some quite unpleasant accommodation she got her social housing. It worked out well for them in the end. I don't know what she told the council to get herself moved so quickly, but I do know there were no courts involved.

@Theunamedcat

My exes previous girlfriend ended up in a refuge he claimed it was so she could get support to get her children back he ruined it by demanding she came home and she did she still doesn't have her kids back

What?

@Theunamedcat

My exes previous girlfriend ended up in a refuge he claimed it was so she could get support to get her children back he ruined it by demanding she came home and she did she still doesn't have her kids back

He demanded she came home? She did and lost her children. Nice guy.

Hes very much in the doesn't want to get involved, not our business camp, but I can tell he is more on this mans side by the way he is dissmissive when I point out some facts

But he has involved himself by agreeing with them and taking the man's part.

How privileged to think you can look the other way whilst someone else is abused or brutalised and even worse support their attacks on the victim. His family are not "processing" - this is text book behaviour from abusers. Attack the victim, say they are mentally unstable, blame them for the abusers behaviour "she drove him to it" all secure in the knowledge that men stick together and excuse each other.

These are the tropes your DP is reinforcing and agreeing with.

Then we wonder why the home is the most dangerous place for a woman and why 2-3 women are murdered every week in a domestic context.