Why would a woman go to a refuge for no reason?

[Bookworm20]

In my mind they wouldn't, right?

DP has a family friend, whose wife recently suddenly left and went to a refuge, with their small dc. DPs entire family, who have known this man since he was a child, are maintaining that he has done nothing wrong and in fact he is the victim here. That she was abusive to him, as that is what he is telling everyone.

A case has since gone to court and the man now has supervised contact with his dc.

It came up yesterday again in conversation and I again said, look we dont know all the details, but I can't imagine a woman leaving her comfortable house with her small dc for no reason what so ever or because she was the abusive one.
DP is saying his(this mans) family are now saying the wife is mentally unstable and thats the reason. They are refusing to think that this man could possibly be in any way responsible and although none of my business, I find it a bit sick that they are all 'poor him, he doesn't deserve this', 'poor him, he is so upset by it all'.

I have only met this couple on 2 occasions, though DP knows them very well. On both occasions, she did not seem mentally unwell, she was quiet and quite shy and very introverted. He was loud, brash and quite honestly the first time I met him I did think what an entitled little twat he seemed. Both occasions he had nothing to with his dc, she looked after them 100% while he got drunk.

I suppose i'm frustrated DP is refusing to believe this man could have done anything (despite him saying he was always a bit of a little shit as a teenager). I just want him to keep an open mind, but also to stop vilifying this woman, as it is in my opinion highly highly likely she is the abused victim here.

I mean women who have abused their partner do not just leave for no reason and go live in a refuge do they? Leaving the man in their house with all the luxuries?

And the fact he has supervised contact and not just regular contact, isn't that an indication that the courts are not convinced he is innocent?

I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it, but I feel bad this woman seems to have no one on her side (she has no family here, I think she has a mother abroad still)

Not only is it vanishingly unlikely she'd be in refuge for no reason, women's aid have criteria you have to meet in order to access the refuge in the first place. For context, I'm currently in a refuge with my young child, having left after stbxh did something so bad I couldn't overlook his behaviour anymore. People are struggling to believe he could be abusive, and he is maintaining my reaction was overblown.

I actually didn't think I'd be able to access refuge because his behaviour (apart from the incident that finally caused me to leave) wasn't 'that bad' - I called Women's Aid after a friend recommended them for information on legal advice, but once I was on the phone they asked me a bunch of questions about what he did and the relationship overall, and said that because of this I would be eligible. Then when I decided to take them up on it, they went through a lot of paperwork to determine the extent and nature of the abuse.

Add to this the fact that he only has supervised contact and I find it extremely hard to believe he wasn't and isn't dangerous - you have to have compelling evidence to do that.

As PP said, they wouldn't let just anyone in a refuge for no reason.

the man now has supervised contact with his dc.

This is more evidence he did something @Bookworm20 . Maybe involving the DC. If he hadn't done anything, it's very unlikely he'd only get supervised contact.

No mother will disrupt her kids home life voluntarily and go into a refuge. Why would they? What have they got to gain? Slightly higher banding on a council house queue is not worth being effectively homeless for ages. It's not their home - they can't decorate, they can't have visitors, they're living without all their stuff and their kids stuff as they have had to flee with just the essentials.

I'd be asking your partner
What he thinks an abuser looks like? Most abusers have normal lives, friends, jobs where they are respected, family who love them. They don't come across as nasty and they are careful not to do it infront of other people. Which is why they get away with it. What would someone have to do for your husband to be abusive? Batter his partner to the point of witnesses and hospitalization?

Ask him if he has any sort of proof that a woman has ever lied to get into a refuge and what she gained from it.

Ask him if he is aware of just how common it is for women to be abused. One in three women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. He will know plenty of abusers. Less than one in five report this abuse to the police, so most abuse is a hidden crime . If he doesn't think the friend that acts like a twat and was a shit when he was younger is capable of abuse, then which friends, because he will have some that are abusive.

Get him to read some of the stories on here - its clear that most women will actually put up with abuse rather than leave, because they don't want to put their children through the trauma, because they are worried about how they will cope financially, because they are scared they won't be believed, because they hold out hope that things might get better because they feel some kind of shame (mainly caused by comments from people like your husband), because their partner tells them they will take the kids and tell everyone their wife is crazy, and because if you are in an abusive relationship then its a very dangerous time to leave.

It's normal for contact to be given to the dad unless they have been directly abusive towards the children.

If this was a court battle and the wife was making claims and the husband was making counter claims then I could see why people might think it was a he said / she said situation and give both parties the benefit of the doubt. But no one actually flees to a refuge unless they really need it and like PP have said, they wouldn't get in.

Your partner and others need to educate themselves before judging this poor woman. I'd see if there was any help you could offer her.

Honestly I would keep this in mind regarding your partner. My ex knew all the right things to say about women and came across as very ‘new man’ in touch with his feelings. But on occasion (and it was very occasionally) he would say things that would contradict that. Excuses made like ‘they’re both as bad as each other’ or ‘she knew how to push his buttons’ etc.

Then one day it was me on the other side of it. This situation is a marker of how your partner genuinely feels about women. I’m not saying he’s an abuser, but he certainly seems to have a lot of sympathy for one.

Of course he abused her

The most worrying thing here is how your chap and the circle are minimising this
This would worry me a lot to be honest

If you can reach out to her do but she might want a totally clean break and why could blame her

I'm going to show the other side here too.

I've known women desperately in need of refuges.

I've also known women who have chosen to leave knowing they're not eligible for council housing and opting for this route as it meant that they would effectively queue jump into emergency and temporarily accommodations after the refuge. Citing emotional abuse which obviously cannot be disproved leaving the ex with the mountains of debts etc.

It does happen and assuming it doesn't is naive. In the same way that some parents will do anything to not "share" their children.

@ChoiceMummy

I'm going to show the other side here too.

I've known women desperately in need of refuges.

I've also known women who have chosen to leave knowing they're not eligible for council housing and opting for this route as it meant that they would effectively queue jump into emergency and temporarily accommodations after the refuge. Citing emotional abuse which obviously cannot be disproved leaving the ex with the mountains of debts etc.

It does happen and assuming it doesn't is naive. In the same way that some parents will do anything to not "share" their children.

But they don't get supervised contact orders from a judge as well !

Sadly, that isn't as hard as you'd think either, if determined!

@ChoiceMummy

Sadly, that isn't as hard as you'd think either, if determined!

Well it was impossible in my case and he had done some serious shit but then he hid money and could pay for a barrister and I couldn't.

I just hate the seemingly common view that women must be lying and it happens all the time. From my experience, I can't conceive of why a woman would put herself through the experience of a refuge and family court unless genuinely desperate.

All abusers are charming, that’s how they get away with it.

The most difficult thing about leaving an abusive relationship is that every one, from your mother to your abusive husband, think you are crazy for throwing such nice relationship away.

All I will say on this subject is I know of 2 woman who one was victim of financial abuse and left husband the other left husband after many years no abuse but many other reasons she ended the marriage . On both cases both woman were accused by the partner and their families of being mad because they left . Can you imagine being accused of going mad simply because you have had enough of being in a relationship that’s arguments and your unhappy ? .
So anybody that says that about a woman again I’d dismiss it based on not knowing the facts .
Would anyone say this about a man ? No !

@gettingolderandgrumpy

All I will say on this subject is I know of 2 woman who one was victim of financial abuse and left husband the other left husband after many years no abuse but many other reasons she ended the marriage . On both cases both woman were accused by the partner and their families of being mad because they left . Can you imagine being accused of going mad simply because you have had enough of being in a relationship that’s arguments and your unhappy ? . So anybody that says that about a woman again I’d dismiss it based on not knowing the facts . Would anyone say this about a man ? No !

And sadly, some women accuse men of not being fit parents as well or as abusive when actually they have been the abusers. But due to the shame and disbelief many feel incapable of pursuing. Sadly, when it comes to relationships breaking down, anything seems fair gambit by some. And many remain abusive afterwards. But not always is what the situation appears as the reality and that works both ways...

The supervised contact depends on where they are in the court process. If they have had the final hearing and its still supervised contact then obviously there is evidence he could cause the children harm. During the fact finding hearings its normal for supervised contact if there are any accusations of abuse.

Supervised contact?

Lol, do they SS are dumb?

SS are often criticised for doing too little/not reacting enough; what do they think has happened that they've only given him supervised access.

You have known multiple women who have disclosed to you that they are falsely claiming abuse in order to jump the housing queue? Or have you been sufficiently acquainted with the private lives of multiple women who claim to be abused that you know they are lying to get rehoused?
Or is it that the men concerned are claiming there has been no abuse and you're choosing to believe them over the women?

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