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Original poster

Why would a woman go to a refuge for no reason?

116 replies

Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 13:10

In my mind they wouldn't, right?

DP has a family friend, whose wife recently suddenly left and went to a refuge, with their small dc. DPs entire family, who have known this man since he was a child, are maintaining that he has done nothing wrong and in fact he is the victim here. That she was abusive to him, as that is what he is telling everyone.

A case has since gone to court and the man now has supervised contact with his dc.

It came up yesterday again in conversation and I again said, look we dont know all the details, but I can't imagine a woman leaving her comfortable house with her small dc for no reason what so ever or because she was the abusive one.
DP is saying his(this mans) family are now saying the wife is mentally unstable and thats the reason. They are refusing to think that this man could possibly be in any way responsible and although none of my business, I find it a bit sick that they are all 'poor him, he doesn't deserve this', 'poor him, he is so upset by it all'.

I have only met this couple on 2 occasions, though DP knows them very well. On both occasions, she did not seem mentally unwell, she was quiet and quite shy and very introverted. He was loud, brash and quite honestly the first time I met him I did think what an entitled little twat he seemed. Both occasions he had nothing to with his dc, she looked after them 100% while he got drunk.

I suppose i'm frustrated DP is refusing to believe this man could have done anything (despite him saying he was always a bit of a little shit as a teenager). I just want him to keep an open mind, but also to stop vilifying this woman, as it is in my opinion highly highly likely she is the abused victim here.

I mean women who have abused their partner do not just leave for no reason and go live in a refuge do they? Leaving the man in their house with all the luxuries?

And the fact he has supervised contact and not just regular contact, isn't that an indication that the courts are not convinced he is innocent?

I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it, but I feel bad this woman seems to have no one on her side (she has no family here, I think she has a mother abroad still)

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 13/04/2022 13:55

Women don’t flee to shelters without a really compelling reason. They don’t flee at all. Secondly, why is he only allowed supervised access to his child? That’s not usual. I’d put money on his story not checking out.

minniep · 13/04/2022 13:56

We used to live across from a women's refuge. It was used by some women to secure housing and get bumped up the council house list. In the case you are describing OP this does not seem to be the case at all.

BusinessMindThoughts · 13/04/2022 13:56

How thick are these people that they think an abuser would choose to show that to his friends and family? They clearly don't think he's the sort of person that would be proud of being abusive, so maybe it's occurred to him to... idk, pretend he's not?

Ballcactus · 13/04/2022 14:01

This is when I get so frustrated with the narrative around DA. So many women get abused and people deny it or stick up for people like this shit and claim he couldn’t have done anything, tell me where all the abusers are then because there is bloody loads of them!

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 13/04/2022 14:02

Well here, in the refuge I volunteer in, women come to us because:

They want to screw more money out of the poor sod who had kids by them

They are totally batshit and make up all sorts of lies about him

They had to because it was the only way they could stop SS taking the kids due to their abusive actions

They always want more money

They always lie

They always do it to cover their own tracks.

Alternatively, last week:
BIL threatened the kids
FIL smacked one of the kids
DF acted inappropriately
DH was out of control, angry

And one woman woke up to find the house full of people she didn't know, having a party. Her DP had posted an Open House and then left to live with his OW. There were 3 kids under 6 in the house.

So NAMALT. But enough of them are and we need to stop pretending, being polite.so as not to hurt their feelings.

AnnUumellmahaye · 13/04/2022 14:05

@LetitiaLeghorn

I think if you've known someone for a long time and have never seen them behave badly, it's natural that you would stand up for them. I don't think it means the ops partner is an abuser.
I agree with this. If the woman is generally quiet and introverted,your DH is unlikely to know her as well as he knows his friend, so it's easier to make her the problem. I don't think it's indicative that your partner is an abuser and he condones violence. I think it's just showing he's struggling to reconcile the friend he thinks he knows, with the reality of who is friend is.
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/04/2022 14:07

@Bookworm20

I'd go one step further and find a way to practically and emotionally support this woman, That is what I am feeling I want to do. I really can't grasp how they all think he is totally innocent here. They (not DP though)say things like that bitch took his kids away from him, how dare she. Thing is I don't know her well and I don't know exactly where she is right now.
There is NO WAY :

If he was innocent of this stuff..

That she a) would have a refuge place

B) he would have supervised contact.

Those horrid folk are victim blaming...

Moonface123 · 13/04/2022 14:07

He' s showing his true colurs playing the mental health card, shes gone there because he is most likely a violent bully who is unbearable to live with, but how many men will admit that upfront? Its possible the police are involved and the truth will come out further down the line. His family probably find it easier accepting his warped version than the grim truth that he' s a wife beater.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2022 14:10

I'll give you another side of this. I do know of a woman who act to a refuge abs she was mentally unstable. She was actually abusive towards her kids and wanted to make the dad look bad ...plus it was in a bid to be rehoused.

I heard this from one of her now grown up kids, so I'd say that things are not always good they appear. I was told how she made them say they were scared of their dad and that they hated him.

The marriage has its troubles, but she wasn't innocent and her manipulation of the kids caused a real breakdown in their relationship with their dad. She made them rehearse what to say and none of it was true.

Rainbowshine · 13/04/2022 14:15

His family may have a deeper background and history of how men treat women and what they think acceptable behaviour is in a relationship. They won’t see it as abuse, they will think that’s normal (for them).

You won’t change that, so I would think carefully if it is going to be healthy for you to go to this dinner. If you go, be prepared with some phrases that you can use to manage conversations about it.

It’s not uncommon (unfortunately) that a woman is made out to be lying/mentally unwell/abusive in this situation. Classic DARVO going on, look at how women claiming men hurt them/have behaved badly get treated by police/the justice system.

I hope the woman is getting the support she needs.

beastlyslumber · 13/04/2022 14:47

Poor woman. I hope she's okay.

Your DP and family sound very ignorant. They don't seem to have much regard for women. I'd take care around them if I were you.

dadadeedadada · 13/04/2022 15:03

It's very difficult to get into a refuge, I went to one with 3 DC. There were so few spaces in them. They aren't pleasant places to be and I don't believe any woman would go into one unless they were absolutely desperate. Oh and my ex bastard said similar things about me.
Maybe your partner thinks 'no bruises, no abuse'. The irony is that when ex bastard was physically assaulting me I got over that, it was when he started on the emotional abuse/psychological terrorism that I went.

Moser85 · 13/04/2022 15:06

Unfortunately in my experience even when there is evidence of abuse most people don't care and won't turn against a man they like because of it....so when it's her word against his people are happy to turn it all around on the woman too!

Triffid1 · 13/04/2022 15:13

Well, SIL's ex has even admitted some of his behaviour to the broader family.... and they STILL tend to default to assuming that SIL was the problem.

So I can see how for a family that probablyy doesn't even consider a lot of things abuse (eg "well, of course he earns the money so why should be do any of the chores? that's her job? and frankly, he works hard so yes, he needs the expensive bike and gym hobby. And of course she can't expect to get her hair done in a proper salon? That's expensive! Where does she think the money is going to come from?!") they'd be inclined to agree with him.

thestraitofillinois · 13/04/2022 15:17

@Moser85

Unfortunately in my experience even when there is evidence of abuse most people don't care and won't turn against a man they like because of it....so when it's her word against his people are happy to turn it all around on the woman too!
100% this.

Poor woman.

It's admirable that you want to help @Bookworm20.

EssexLioness · 13/04/2022 15:20

@SandyY2K

I'll give you another side of this. I do know of a woman who act to a refuge abs she was mentally unstable. She was actually abusive towards her kids and wanted to make the dad look bad ...plus it was in a bid to be rehoused.

I heard this from one of her now grown up kids, so I'd say that things are not always good they appear. I was told how she made them say they were scared of their dad and that they hated him.

The marriage has its troubles, but she wasn't innocent and her manipulation of the kids caused a real breakdown in their relationship with their dad. She made them rehearse what to say and none of it was true.

This sounds so much like my mum it is scary to think there are others out there like her. Several differences though: we had to retell these lies to family and friends so they all hated dad and they only split when I was an adult. She didn’t try to get into a refuge but she did go to the police with her lies. Luckily by that point she was so unhinged that they saw straight through it all. She was diagnosed with BPD in the end
howtomoveforwards · 13/04/2022 15:20

It's quite difficult to get the courts to agree to supervised contact - there is a reason it has been granted. There will be evidence - probably police reports and/or medical reports and/or social services reports.

LetitiaLeghorn · 13/04/2022 15:23

Op, what are you hoping to gain from keep going on at your partner? You've planted a seed and it'll either grow or it won't. And you keep going over it will just turn him away from your argument. You're just going to destroy your relationship.
I think you're doomed for disappointment if you think getting into a row with the family is going to make them see the light. If anything it will make them double down on their position. But it will cause ill-will between your partner and them. Maybe that's what you're aiming for?
At the end of the day you don't actually know anything but are surmising. They feel that they actually know. There's going to be no meeting of minds on the matter.

Pyewhacket · 13/04/2022 15:26

Your partner is trying his best to stay out of it, probably coz he sees it as none of his business, but you seem intent on goading him into starting a fight with this other family.

Ultimately your suspicions may be correct BUT you don't know this woman, what went on or where she is staying so I would give your partners ear a rest.

As for making a scene over dinner, I guess it depends how much you want to embarrass your partner.

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/04/2022 15:27

@Moser85

Unfortunately in my experience even when there is evidence of abuse most people don't care and won't turn against a man they like because of it....so when it's her word against his people are happy to turn it all around on the woman too!
Also in my experience.
oliviastwisted · 13/04/2022 15:31

Unfortunately in my experience even when there is evidence of abuse most people don't care and won't turn against a man they like because of it....so when it's her word against his people are happy to turn it all around on the woman too

Also my experience

Whiskeypowers · 13/04/2022 15:33

Supervised contact will almost certainly Jean some form of abuse has also been directed at the child(ren)

Personally I couldn’t associate in any way shape or form with these sort of people and their retrograde, damaging ignorance.

thestraitofillinois · 13/04/2022 15:39

Quoted from @Whiskeypowers 'Personally I couldn’t associate in any way shape or form with these sort of people and their retrograde, damaging ignorance.'

What a perfect and succinct way of summing-up the situation.

Original poster
Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 15:41

@Pyewhacket

Your partner is trying his best to stay out of it, probably coz he sees it as none of his business, but you seem intent on goading him into starting a fight with this other family.

Ultimately your suspicions may be correct BUT you don't know this woman, what went on or where she is staying so I would give your partners ear a rest.

As for making a scene over dinner, I guess it depends how much you want to embarrass your partner.

Nope, not goading him into starting a fight with his family. Where did you get that from? I've said my part only when its been mentioned by him/when seeing his family and its been discussed afterwards. And my part is to just point out that its strange a woman would just take herself off to a refuge for no reason.

And I'll not be making a scene over dinner. But I suspect the topic will come up, and I am likely to say something when all the 'poor him' 'what a bitch' comments start flowing. I won't be aggressive, i'm not like that, but I will likely end up saying something to stick up for her. Or to point out that obviously something has gone on, as women in happy marriages do not tend to up and leave with the small dc to go live in a refuge.

OP posts:
PollyDarton1 · 13/04/2022 15:41

I was offered a refuge place about 3 years ago following a DASH assessment, I can't speak of those who do conjure up stories about exes to retell a narrative but it wasn't a situation I wanted to be in and was out of desperation.

A judge ordering supervised contact however, is an altogether different ball game - once a case gets to court, a fact finding session applies and there must be something within that which demonstrates a safeguarding risk to the children to warrant supervision.

My ex DP was abusive, but has since gone on to tell everyone else (including his new girlfriend) that I was the abusive, mentally unhinged one. She's bought it completely.

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