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Original poster

After 10 years together, last night I packed his bags

111 replies

Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 08:30

I finally got my big girl pants on yesterday and decided to let him go. A bit of background, he proposed just before the first lockdown, huge lavish wedding planned but had to be postponed due to covid restrictions. Second date put in place, he was very involved with all the finer details, it was his dream wedding not mine. In Nov last year (4 months before the wedding) he broke down saying it didn’t feel right. He has an extremely stressful job and suffers with severe depressive episodes, this is his 3rd in 10 years. He wanted to move the wedding in order to deal with his past traumas and be in a better headspace. Things have been tense between us as I was hurting from him not being sure about the wedding. We had a big fallout about the puppy we got last year, he wanted to leave. Spent the next couple of weeks going back and forth with him saying he thinks he should leave, to breaking down in hysterics saying he’s just so broken and doesn’t want to go. He’s struggled to be affectionate during this time and yesterday said that he now doesn’t want more children (which we’ve been trying for a second for quite some time now). Yesterday I came to the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me, he doesn’t want to have more children with me, he doesn’t want to be here at the moment. So I packed him a suitcase and told him he either takes the suitcase and goes for good, or stays because he wants to work through his issues…he took the suitcase. He was messaging me at the early hours of the morning saying that he loves me truly, his heart is breaking, but I can find someone who will not drag me down and give me what I want now. He slept in his car (despite having family and friends all around).

I feel sad this morning and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. We have such a bright future ahead of us and I honestly can’t imagine my life being with anyone else. But I need to know it was the right decision? I didn’t want ti do the pick me dance or try to convince him to stay, surely that’s just kicking the problem further down the line?

Now how to stay strong and move forward. I’ve read a lot you need to let someone go fully to see if they love you, perhaps I need to realise I just wasn’t the one? Do people honestly leave the one?

Feeling sad 😢

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 13/04/2022 08:41

You've definitely done the right thing.

It sounds like you want different things, you want a second child and marriage and he doesn't (or doesn't inflow what he wants).

Presumably as you kicked him out the property is yours? If not, then be aware that he has the right to move back in and may we'll do so.

Soozikinzii · 13/04/2022 08:43

Sorry to read this but I think you've done the right thing . If you think about the long term its very difficult to be with someone who drags you down constantly. It's hard work being the carer constantly watching appropriate responses to moods .Its unlikely to get any better with age in fact will probably get worse . Just hope all goes well for you what ever you decide.

Flipflopfoodle · 13/04/2022 08:46

I also think you've done the right thing
And breaking heart, sleeping in his car despite having places to go? He sounds like a martyr type who wants you to fuss over him and his worries. I bet he took the case expecting you to be bluffing him, he will expect you to change your mind and then comfort him when he comes back even though his actions have led to this breakdown.

Blippymyblippy · 13/04/2022 08:46

You've done the right thing, most definitely. It's so easy to stick around in the hope that things will get better, but they never do.
It must be incredibly hard for you right now, but you've done the right thing and your life will get better because of it. Sending you Flowers and Cake

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 09:00

I’m just waiting for the OW to creep out of the woodwork…do men honestly leave a relationship to be homeless and on their own?!

OP posts:
Bigsislookingforadvice · 13/04/2022 09:05

Absolutely done the right thing.
He's playing the pity party card - let him go,get better, sort himself out while you enjoy a drama free life going forward. Don't be subscribing to needing to check & baby him, he has family to do that x

IAMGE · 13/04/2022 09:12

@Bigsislookingforadvice

Absolutely done the right thing. He's playing the pity party card - let him go,get better, sort himself out while you enjoy a drama free life going forward. Don't be subscribing to needing to check & baby him, he has family to do that x
This. He is not the one. That is a myth.

How can he be?

NameGoesHere · 13/04/2022 09:14

Another vote to say you’ve done the right thing!

Itsbackagain · 13/04/2022 09:18

Suffering from depression IME creates all the situations you've described. Something is planned and entered into wholeheartedly, obsessively even and then the panic sets in and suddenly it's the worst idea in the world and we can't get far enough away from it. Does he take antidepressants all the time?

Dusktildawnone · 13/04/2022 09:21
Flowers
FelicityPike · 13/04/2022 09:23

@Banjjoo3

I’m just waiting for the OW to creep out of the woodwork…do men honestly leave a relationship to be homeless and on their own?!
Very rarely!
Bookworm20 · 13/04/2022 09:23

@Banjjoo3

I’m just waiting for the OW to creep out of the woodwork…do men honestly leave a relationship to be homeless and on their own?!
Unfortunately, there may be one. With wanting to delay wedding after being so invested in it, wanting to leave, then not leave, lack of affection and not wanting any more children unfortunately all does point to there being someone else he is conflicted about. Likely adding to his depression.

I'm sorry OP but you have definitely done the right thing. Even if it is not OW he needs time to sort himself out and decide what he wants, as do you. You deserve someone who wants to be there for you and share the rest of their life with you

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 09:58

I do know that, and it’s why I made the decision yesterday. In one breath we spoke on the phone about what we needed from the supermarket, in the other I was packing a suitcase.

I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. I’d rather go through physical pain than heartache.

I think going nc for a while might help. Give us both some space from everything for a while.

OP posts:
user606 · 13/04/2022 10:28

OP I am so sorry. I think what you've done is incredibly brave. I wish I had your guts to be honest.

I found out this weekend that my H has been having an emotional affair. The past few months have been hell, his anxiety and depression got worse and he has been very up and down with me. Now it all makes sense. And I'm still not sure if I want him to leave, it takes such courage to make that decision.
Sending hugs x

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 10:39

@user606 I’m so sorry to hear that. How did you find out? I don’t feel very brave at the moment. I feel pretty scared and lonely. But I know that I can’t cling on to someone who doesn’t want to be here. If by me sending him packing allows the uncertainty to end then that’s got to be good enough. I can’t stand the not knowing if you’re doing life together or apart bit.

I hope you find your courage too, he doesn’t deserve you x

OP posts:
Usou · 13/04/2022 10:44

He sounds a right drama queen.

What kind of bloke wants a big wedding?

Herejustforthisone · 13/04/2022 10:57

I’d be on the lookout for a woman he’s ‘only just met’ and yet with whom he lives quite sharpish.

I can’t imagine a man making their life this hard intentionally. Three serious episodes of depression in ten years is actually, relatively stable.

user606 · 13/04/2022 11:00

[quote Banjjoo3]@user606 I’m so sorry to hear that. How did you find out? I don’t feel very brave at the moment. I feel pretty scared and lonely. But I know that I can’t cling on to someone who doesn’t want to be here. If by me sending him packing allows the uncertainty to end then that’s got to be good enough. I can’t stand the not knowing if you’re doing life together or apart bit.

I hope you find your courage too, he doesn’t deserve you x[/quote]
You sound an amazing woman, what you have written is absolutely true.
I wonder if we just make the decision to split will the loneliness and heartache of that be easier than this uncertainty and doubt.

My gut told me something was off for a few weeks. This prompted me to check out the iPad and it told me everything I needed to know. Has left me traumatised and heartbroken but had to be done.

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/04/2022 11:01

I think you did the right thing. ending relationships isnt easy but the feeling if freedom is immense. Only when they are gone do you realise the extent of the mental.load you attributed to them.

He is no longer your responsibility you I've him nothing do not get sucked into solving his housing/washing/ feeding dilemmas.

RoyKentsChestHair · 13/04/2022 11:14

First of all there’s no such thing as “the one”. Of all the billions of people in this world there isn’t only one who’s a good enough fit for you that you can overlook some pretty huge incompatibilities. There will be thousands of men with whom you could live a happy and fulfilling life, free of the drama that this guy brings. Or you could be one of the very many women who are actually happier without a man in their life, as especially once you have a child, they often cause more stress than they relieve!

You’ve 100% done the right thing. You’ve either let him go to clear space for the next part of your life, or you’ve shown him that you won’t be emotionally manipulated and if he wants to be with you it has to be 100%, not some wishy washy half arsed thing. This way he has the time and space to see what life without you looks like, and you might find that you actually like it. It’s hard to begin with but you’ll heal and move on if this is a permanent thing. FlowersBrewCake

2Hot2Handle · 13/04/2022 11:24

How incredibly strong and brave of you. The hard part now, is not to panic about the pain and try to reconcile. If you can get through the heartache, you will come out the other side and have so many more positive opportunities available.
He’s made it clear to yourself and himself that he’s not happy. Trying to carry on, is keeping you both down.
Think of it as a rocky bridge, straddling two lands. On the one side, it’s grey and boring and lonely. On the other, it’s filled with lots of great places to explore and wonderful experiences to choose from. To get to the good side, you have to cross a very difficult bridge, with a hell of an obstacle course to get through. You’ve started to cross that bridge now. You could turn back at any point, but you’ll end up back in the grey, dismal land. Safe, but ultimately lonely and stuck in a situation you don’t want. If you keep going across the bridge, eventually, you will reach the other side. You’ve proven how strong you are by making this decision.

Tinwhistler · 13/04/2022 11:42

You've done yourself a massive favor. It would have been no end of headaches and drama if you married him.

With the right person, your days together should feel as easy as breathing. This is absolutely not that.

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 14:24

I know. Interestingly a new ‘friends’ name has just come out, that he can go and stay with! One I’ve never heard of before.

OP posts:
readyshreddiescook · 13/04/2022 14:29

@Banjjoo3

I know. Interestingly a new ‘friends’ name has just come out, that he can go and stay with! One I’ve never heard of before.
Oh god, I hope that previous poster's predictions aren't true - for your own wellbeing. Wishing you all the best for your future OP.
grossedout133 · 13/04/2022 14:31

A woman's name?