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Original poster

After 10 years together, last night I packed his bags

111 replies

Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 08:30

I finally got my big girl pants on yesterday and decided to let him go. A bit of background, he proposed just before the first lockdown, huge lavish wedding planned but had to be postponed due to covid restrictions. Second date put in place, he was very involved with all the finer details, it was his dream wedding not mine. In Nov last year (4 months before the wedding) he broke down saying it didn’t feel right. He has an extremely stressful job and suffers with severe depressive episodes, this is his 3rd in 10 years. He wanted to move the wedding in order to deal with his past traumas and be in a better headspace. Things have been tense between us as I was hurting from him not being sure about the wedding. We had a big fallout about the puppy we got last year, he wanted to leave. Spent the next couple of weeks going back and forth with him saying he thinks he should leave, to breaking down in hysterics saying he’s just so broken and doesn’t want to go. He’s struggled to be affectionate during this time and yesterday said that he now doesn’t want more children (which we’ve been trying for a second for quite some time now). Yesterday I came to the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me, he doesn’t want to have more children with me, he doesn’t want to be here at the moment. So I packed him a suitcase and told him he either takes the suitcase and goes for good, or stays because he wants to work through his issues…he took the suitcase. He was messaging me at the early hours of the morning saying that he loves me truly, his heart is breaking, but I can find someone who will not drag me down and give me what I want now. He slept in his car (despite having family and friends all around).

I feel sad this morning and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. We have such a bright future ahead of us and I honestly can’t imagine my life being with anyone else. But I need to know it was the right decision? I didn’t want ti do the pick me dance or try to convince him to stay, surely that’s just kicking the problem further down the line?

Now how to stay strong and move forward. I’ve read a lot you need to let someone go fully to see if they love you, perhaps I need to realise I just wasn’t the one? Do people honestly leave the one?

Feeling sad 😢

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 13/04/2022 14:35

Is his new 'friend' a woman?

Because that tells you all you need to know. Even if he's not been unfaithful then he's been thinking of her - which would explain his weepy dithering.

The grass often looks greener on the other side.

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 14:41

The name is Dakota, which apparently is a males name?!?

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 13/04/2022 14:46

Ok… that’s a woman !

Tinwhistler · 13/04/2022 14:51

Dakota is a womans name. Like Dakota Fanning.

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/04/2022 14:54

I think its for both . But my bets on a woman. Especially as its never been mentioned befire.

Moonface123 · 13/04/2022 14:58

This is quite a typical scenario, man is too cowardly to end the relationship so acts in a way that his partner forces his hand, as in tells him to go. He can then scuttle off to waiting woman in the wings.
Leaving you to pick up all the pieces.
You haven' t actually lost that much but familiarity.
Your used to him being around, but you will find as most women do in this situation that they actually end up having the last laugh and are more than capable of living a lovely way of life after upheavel.

Fernshire · 13/04/2022 15:03

I know a male Dakota in Australia. But they are also a baby. It does seem suspicious in this case. I'm so sorry OP. You've done a brave thing for yourself and your children. Sounds like he was making excuse after excuse.

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 15:04

He swears down it’s a man’s name, but I don’t believe it either.

It’s strange as we live the most idyllic life, lovely big farm with lots of toys, horses etc. I run a successful company that gives us a life that he always wanted. Without being big headed I often get told I’m the perfect woman. I’m in shape, kind, sociable, love making a home, event horses, have my own friends, family etc. All I can assume is that he doesn’t know what he wants. He is a real looker and has a job that most woman find attractive. Time will tell, the truth always comes out!

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 13/04/2022 15:08

It could be that dakota doesn't even exist.

If they were dave or Tim or Kevin or Amanda you'd know fir sure. The suspicious side of me would say that he's deliberately chosen to drop a name that's gonna keep you guessing. Like Ashley or Charlie or Kelly which could be either sex. It's a way to keep you guessing amd being part of your life even when he no longer is.

Don't let him.do that to you

DrBrennerFan · 13/04/2022 15:09

Your well rid you carry on with moods etc.handhold and hugs.

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 15:52

He’s got very angry this afternoon, stating how disgusted he is that I could even think he would be staying with another woman so soon…classic text book stuff. Anyone know the next line of the script?!?

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 13/04/2022 15:57

Do me a favor
Re-read your op.
It is messy and chaotic and has disaster written all over it.
This is no life. You made the right choice. Never look back

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/04/2022 15:57

If I'm gonna be accused of doing that I'm gonna do it as might as well be true...

Calmdown14 · 13/04/2022 16:14

It's odd to have a friend you are close enough to that they will put you up but not close enough for you to ever have mentioned they exist to your partner.

I think you'll be needing that script. Sorry. But it does demonstrate you've done the right thing.

DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 16:40

You did the right thing.
I wouldn’t discuss this other possible woman/friend you’ve never heard of, or anything else with him unless it’s him telling you something decisive.
I’d be a bit suspicious of this whole scenario too but eventually it will become clear. It could be he’s now trying to bait you, so just ignore anything and everything that isn’t a positive discussion about moving forward. In the meantime, move forward without him.

ChiswickFlo · 13/04/2022 17:11

@Banjjoo3

I’m just waiting for the OW to creep out of the woodwork…do men honestly leave a relationship to be homeless and on their own?!
I think you are wise :(
MadMadMadamMim · 13/04/2022 17:11

@Banjjoo3

He’s got very angry this afternoon, stating how disgusted he is that I could even think he would be staying with another woman so soon…classic text book stuff. Anyone know the next line of the script?!?
Stop texting him. Cut him off entirely. You asked him to leave and he's gone. Any further conversation is utterly pointless.

Reading your OP it sounds like you have one child together. If that is the case then send him ONE text stating when/where he can see the child and ignore any communication that is not about access arrangements.

Musttryharder2021 · 13/04/2022 18:00

@RoyKentsChestHair

First of all there’s no such thing as “the one”. Of all the billions of people in this world there isn’t only one who’s a good enough fit for you that you can overlook some pretty huge incompatibilities. There will be thousands of men with whom you could live a happy and fulfilling life, free of the drama that this guy brings. Or you could be one of the very many women who are actually happier without a man in their life, as especially once you have a child, they often cause more stress than they relieve!

You’ve 100% done the right thing. You’ve either let him go to clear space for the next part of your life, or you’ve shown him that you won’t be emotionally manipulated and if he wants to be with you it has to be 100%, not some wishy washy half arsed thing. This way he has the time and space to see what life without you looks like, and you might find that you actually like it. It’s hard to begin with but you’ll heal and move on if this is a permanent thing. FlowersBrewCake

There might be "billions" of people who we might be compatible with but who's got time to date/soft/emotionally invest again/....plus there's a child involved... I'm not saying Op should stay in the relationship ... lots of people cling on to failing relationships because you faff of finding a new one is too much hassle
Crikeyalmighty · 13/04/2022 18:13

This will all come out on thexwash I’m sure in next few weeks— let’s face it OP , would you have people close enough to you that you could stay with at the drop of a hat that your partner had never heard of???

SunflowerTed · 13/04/2022 18:21

@Banjjoo3

I’m just waiting for the OW to creep out of the woodwork…do men honestly leave a relationship to be homeless and on their own?!
Good job you’re switched on. You’re right they don’t usually leave unless there is somebody waiting ….
ListeningButNotHearing · 13/04/2022 18:35

It might not feel like it now, but I think in time you will be so much better off without him draining the life out of you with his dramatic one foot in and one foot out. People don't change - this is him.

Give it time and he'll come crawling back on his knees when he realizes the grass isn't greener.

By then you will be absolutely fine.

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 18:58

Amazingly I feel absolutely fine this evening, the feeling in the house is so much better. My brother has come over and we’re just having fun. I don’t actually care what he’s up to. I’ve stopped responding to his messages and he’s starting to power text. I’m going to let the idiot stew. Why I didn’t do this sooner I’ll never know!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/04/2022 19:37

Good on you. Stick the chain on thr door incase he attempts to come over. And have a fun night!

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 20:00

He’s messaged saying he needs a jacket for the morning. I’ve hung it on the gate for him at the bottom of the driveway. He doesn’t even need to come near the house. I’ve been very polite and told him where he can find it.

OP posts:
CrowAndArrow · 13/04/2022 21:34

Honesty OP bloody well done !!