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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 10 years together, last night I packed his bags

111 replies

Banjjoo3 · 13/04/2022 08:30

I finally got my big girl pants on yesterday and decided to let him go. A bit of background, he proposed just before the first lockdown, huge lavish wedding planned but had to be postponed due to covid restrictions. Second date put in place, he was very involved with all the finer details, it was his dream wedding not mine. In Nov last year (4 months before the wedding) he broke down saying it didn’t feel right. He has an extremely stressful job and suffers with severe depressive episodes, this is his 3rd in 10 years. He wanted to move the wedding in order to deal with his past traumas and be in a better headspace. Things have been tense between us as I was hurting from him not being sure about the wedding. We had a big fallout about the puppy we got last year, he wanted to leave. Spent the next couple of weeks going back and forth with him saying he thinks he should leave, to breaking down in hysterics saying he’s just so broken and doesn’t want to go. He’s struggled to be affectionate during this time and yesterday said that he now doesn’t want more children (which we’ve been trying for a second for quite some time now). Yesterday I came to the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me, he doesn’t want to have more children with me, he doesn’t want to be here at the moment. So I packed him a suitcase and told him he either takes the suitcase and goes for good, or stays because he wants to work through his issues…he took the suitcase. He was messaging me at the early hours of the morning saying that he loves me truly, his heart is breaking, but I can find someone who will not drag me down and give me what I want now. He slept in his car (despite having family and friends all around).

I feel sad this morning and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. We have such a bright future ahead of us and I honestly can’t imagine my life being with anyone else. But I need to know it was the right decision? I didn’t want ti do the pick me dance or try to convince him to stay, surely that’s just kicking the problem further down the line?

Now how to stay strong and move forward. I’ve read a lot you need to let someone go fully to see if they love you, perhaps I need to realise I just wasn’t the one? Do people honestly leave the one?

Feeling sad 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 14/04/2022 12:27

So a little update, I’m doing marvellously, him, not so much! The old saying of letting them go is so true, they’re not so brave when their decisions are taken away! He keeps messaging, saying he just wanted some time to think, that he misses me terribly, blah blah. Over here though, I’m having a lovely time, walking the dog, off to point to point tomorrow, Easter weekend away with the fam, life is feeling great, for the first time in months!! If this can give even just one person the strength to stand up and be strong then it’s worth me writing down my journey!

OP posts:
DrBrennerFan · 14/04/2022 12:43

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐well done handhold. Mines hanging 9n about racing betting I couldn’t give a shit.

user606 · 14/04/2022 12:48

@Banjjoo3 this is so inspiring to read. Huge well done 👏🏻.
I am re-reading and re-reading your last post as I'm hoping it gives me the strength to end this nightmare I'm currently living in.

Whatwouldscullydo · 14/04/2022 12:53

Welcome to the dark Side banjoo

Enjoy your new found freedom

Smile👏👏👏

CrowAndArrow · 14/04/2022 12:54

This is amazing to read OP.

Stay strong 💪

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/04/2022 13:23

Time to think about what though? How long does he need 😂

He expected you to beg didn’t he? With a bit of snotty nosed crying for good measure.

Juniper68 · 14/04/2022 14:12

Excellent update

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 14/04/2022 15:37

Brilliant update! The snivelling little control toad.

freedomhereicome · 14/04/2022 15:39

I fricking love you and want to be your friend

You're amazing. He doesn't deserve you.

Enjoy the dog snuggles!

Incapacitated · 14/04/2022 15:45

Enjoy yourself, it sounds like you deserve to be light-hearted after all that bleakness.

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 14/04/2022 15:54

Ahh thanks so much for all the love and support 🥰. It really means a lot to me. A few days ago I was living in a life of uncertainty and misery, today I feel on top of the world!

OP posts:
Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 14/04/2022 15:59

@user606 please please dig deep. You can do this! Life is so short, don’t waste another minute in the wrong situation. You’ve totally got this!

OP posts:
Natty13 · 14/04/2022 16:33

@Banjjoo3

I’m just waiting for the OW to creep out of the woodwork…do men honestly leave a relationship to be homeless and on their own?!
My ex H did. I could have written this years ago. He had v bad anxiety and depression and would drag out all decision making when I eventually had enough and made him leave.

It was hard going for a while but I am happy and we get on very well now years later (once I got over the resentment and sting of feeling like I wasn't good enough). I am remarried and he and my H get on, I feel really lucky because I managed to get over him and let go of my anger and I'm glad I'm no longer with someone whose uamanaged depression affects my life so much.

Ilikewinter · 14/04/2022 16:44

Ah well done OP !!!

autumntimebrowns · 14/04/2022 16:46

@Juniper68

It's pretty normal for farm dogs to be only allowed as far as the kitchen. And farmhouse kitchens are generally very warm and comfortable. My Rayburn is one of the few things I miss now I'm no longer married to a farmer Smile

Juniper68 · 14/04/2022 17:05

[quote autumntimebrowns]@Juniper68

It's pretty normal for farm dogs to be only allowed as far as the kitchen. And farmhouse kitchens are generally very warm and comfortable. My Rayburn is one of the few things I miss now I'm no longer married to a farmer Smile[/quote]
I know my first boyfriend was a farmer. Don't think their dogs got indoors Sad

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 15/04/2022 17:51

Omg! That man 😡. Whilst I was organising separating what was his, what furniture I would need to replace, the ownership of some of the vehicles etc, you know, getting on with my life….the arsehole decided to cancel our wedding without telling me!!!! I had an email this afternoon from the caterers saying how sorry they were to hear the wedding had been cancelled etc!!

Now, this stupid big wedding was his dream, his venue, his choice etc. my father very kindly funded the whole thing (I’m his only daughter), I am half Scottish, it was my choice to get married in a Scottish castle, but like a mug agreed we would do his elaborate venue (which cost in excess of £40k 🤯). A couple of months back I stated that we should cancel this wedding, book the wedding in Scotland when we were both back in the right place and ready, when we knew it was right again.

I did text him to say, you could have told me, it was quite the surprise to hear this for the first time over email. He said he did it the other day when I was separating our possessions, that it was my idea to cancel and rebook in Scotland and it’s no big deal! Can you believe it!!

I have responded with, your shirts will be ready to collect in 2 hours ready for work in the morning…I thought kill him with kindness and do not ride to his pettiness. But can you honestly believe this!

I’ve also told him to deal with the finances for the wedding direct with my father (that way there’s no risk of him trying to screw is for the money, if he thinks it’s going straight back to my dad).

This bloke was clearly sent from hell to try and destroy my life!! I’m keeping a smile on my face and being as amicable as possible and not rising to anything, but my god it’s hard not to fly off the handle right now!!!

Woooosaaaaaa

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 15/04/2022 18:07

He sounds a complicated mess. As a person with poor mh I recognise that it's not fair to expect others to shoulder the burden of your illness - that it's your responsibility to be as well as you can be. Yes poor mh is debilitating- doesn't give you the right to behave like a dick.

Interested to know if Dakota even exists! Well done though op - and ffs about the wedding cancellation - what a shit thing to do - I'm not surprised you're incandescent!

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 15/04/2022 20:06

I think complicated mess is being very kind. The bloke is a c**@t*!!!!

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 15/04/2022 21:02

@Banjjoo3

I think complicated mess is being very kind. The bloke is a c***@t**!!!!
Well yes!
iRun2eatCake · 15/04/2022 21:45

He is a complete arse.... but I'm not understanding why you're so cross that he cancelled the Wedding.... that's obviously what needed to happen so why so upset?

Original poster
Banjjoo3 · 15/04/2022 22:12

It’s more how he did it. To just make such a massive call without at least telling me first. I think after 10 years it’s pretty shitty that he didn’t at least let me know that is what he had done, and allowed me to find out via an email from the caterers, rather than tell me himself? Perhaps I’m being unreasonable, but I would of had the decency to tell someone something as major as that?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/04/2022 23:22

@Banjjoo3

It’s more how he did it. To just make such a massive call without at least telling me first. I think after 10 years it’s pretty shitty that he didn’t at least let me know that is what he had done, and allowed me to find out via an email from the caterers, rather than tell me himself? Perhaps I’m being unreasonable, but I would of had the decency to tell someone something as major as that?
But he's not decent OP, he's a prick. So from right now you need to expect him to behave like a prick because that's what he is.

I have responded with, your shirts will be ready to collect in 2 hours ready for work in the morning…

I get that you think this is not rising to his bullshit / killing him with kindness but in actual fact all it does is reinforce to him that he is such a catch that even when he's fucked you over, you'll prepare his work clothes for him.

Stop. Doing. Anything. Nice. For. Him.

At all.

The opposite of petty isn't kind, it's indifference. Petty is vindictive and spiteful. The opposite of that isn't kindness, it's apathy.

Act detached, steely and with strong boundaries.

Don't be tempted to play nice to try to show you're better than him. You know you are. It's very obvious you are because you're not a nasty cunt or a massive coward. Know that about yourself and remember it when you feel low. Don't be tempted to prove it to him by doing stuff like prepping his work clothes!!

NannyKrampus · 16/04/2022 04:41

Onwards and upwards OP! Enjoy snuggling with the puppy in bed Grin

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 08:06

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Great advice OP.

He's a prick and his actions were 100% designed to wound you.

He went for maximum injury.
You need to get that.

Stop being nice.
It makes you look like a mug and you are not one.

Gather his stuff and dump it at the end of the road.

You will be so glad you dodged this bullet.Flowers

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