After 10 years together, last night I packed his bags

[Banjjoo3]

I finally got my big girl pants on yesterday and decided to let him go. A bit of background, he proposed just before the first lockdown, huge lavish wedding planned but had to be postponed due to covid restrictions. Second date put in place, he was very involved with all the finer details, it was his dream wedding not mine. In Nov last year (4 months before the wedding) he broke down saying it didn’t feel right. He has an extremely stressful job and suffers with severe depressive episodes, this is his 3rd in 10 years. He wanted to move the wedding in order to deal with his past traumas and be in a better headspace. Things have been tense between us as I was hurting from him not being sure about the wedding. We had a big fallout about the puppy we got last year, he wanted to leave. Spent the next couple of weeks going back and forth with him saying he thinks he should leave, to breaking down in hysterics saying he’s just so broken and doesn’t want to go. He’s struggled to be affectionate during this time and yesterday said that he now doesn’t want more children (which we’ve been trying for a second for quite some time now). Yesterday I came to the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me, he doesn’t want to have more children with me, he doesn’t want to be here at the moment. So I packed him a suitcase and told him he either takes the suitcase and goes for good, or stays because he wants to work through his issues…he took the suitcase. He was messaging me at the early hours of the morning saying that he loves me truly, his heart is breaking, but I can find someone who will not drag me down and give me what I want now. He slept in his car (despite having family and friends all around).

I feel sad this morning and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. We have such a bright future ahead of us and I honestly can’t imagine my life being with anyone else. But I need to know it was the right decision? I didn’t want ti do the pick me dance or try to convince him to stay, surely that’s just kicking the problem further down the line?

Now how to stay strong and move forward. I’ve read a lot you need to let someone go fully to see if they love you, perhaps I need to realise I just wasn’t the one? Do people honestly leave the one?

Feeling sad 😢

I think him cancelling the wedding was him trying to get a reaction from you. Honestly @Banjjoo3 have a lovely Easter weekend, switch your phone off and enjoy, you've done amazingly so far.

@Banjjoo3

OP Ensure you change ALL the locks ASAP (sooner rather than later) - and change all your passwords too, banking, internet router, shopping apps/websites, etc. 🌹

The pain today is unbearable. I think I need to fully realise that that chapter of my life is over. I thought I was doing really well, but I was trying to convince myself. I just need to realise that I wasn’t the right person for him. That stings.

10 years is a long time, there is grieving to be done of what "could have/should have been"

Be kind to yourself.

Hey I was just thinking about you

No. Remember HE is not the right person for YOU

there's bugger all wrong with you. You're amazing. He just wasn't right.

I am sorry. I know it still hurts

There is usually a high once you have made a decision to end a relationship- the immediate pain stops BUT there is still a deep wound and that pain does come back.

This is where you are now, the grief can be intense as you realise your life, as you knew it, has changed. Your feelings are normal and reflect how invested you were. It is painful, I remember it feeling physical and the tears will just flow. You will recover but know that it takes time.

@Banjjoo3

The pain today is unbearable. I think I need to fully realise that that chapter of my life is over. I thought I was doing really well, but I was trying to convince myself. I just need to realise that I wasn’t the right person for him. That stings.

You know you’ve made the right decision. But after 10 years it will take some time to disentangle your lives and adjust to the new normal.

Last week you had some good days, this is a bad day. There will be ups and downs.

IME it’s better to have as little contact as possible and not react in any way to his drama. He’s clearly a man who thrives on drama.

He will do things to get a reaction from you so don’t rise to the bait. Ignore if you can, otherwise text / email “ OK “ or “ noted “.

Yep I agree. I’m proud of myself for loving whole heartedly. For me, he was my soulmate. I wanted to be with him forever. I just have to realise that’s not how he felt. At the end of the day I just have to realise that he didn’t love me fully.

Of course there is grieving, how could there not be.

But this is pain that you have to get through so you can move on.

Yours would not have been a happy marriage.

@Banjjoo3 I feel your pain. I asked my H to move out over the weekend after 21 years together. I surrounded myself with family and Easter celebrations yesterday but today is a bad day.

Despite the fact that we know deep down that it's the right thing to do, it's like a bereavement. I feel like someone has died. It's unbearable.

Sending you hugs 💐

@user606 you did it!!! Well done you, I’m so pleased to hear you are now free. I totally understand your pain, it is unbearable. Why couldn’t they of just been the right person hey. 21 years is a lifetime, be kind to yourself. Sending you lots of positivity