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Original poster

DP announced hes gay

115 replies

LM20 · 11/04/2022 08:00

Childhood sweethearts, 2 DC together (9 and 4) been together for 14 years.

Late 2019 DP confessed that he thought he was bisexual. He said he had an attraction to men, enjoyed watching gay porn (but not of anal sex) however he had absolutely no desire to be with a man, he was more attracted to women and it was a kink/fetish. He said he was 70% attracted to women, 30% attracted to men.

Last month, he started acting distant. When I approached him, he said he felt guilty and couldn't continue living his life a lie. He was very, very attracted to men and thought he was gay. He then said he thought he was confused because we hadn't been intimate for a few weeks, we're distant the weeks leading up to it and continued telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me, for us to stay a family - this continued for days but then he would say what if I am gay and I'm lying to myself? What if this crops up again in the future?

After much probing, he finally confessed that he was indeed gay, in high school had only ever been attracted to the boys, watched only gay porn however when we started dating at 16, he felt it was the right thing to do given it was expected by parents, family and society. He said he's never struggled to have sex with me, he's enjoyed our sex life and it felt right. He knew he always wanted children, and he fell in love with me.

He's now moved out and went to his parents - he wants to live his life being true to himself as a gay man. I am devastated - my entire world has been turned upside down. One minute I miss and love him; the next I hate him.

He's always been a family orientated man; I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I'm at a loss as to how our contact has went from seeing each other every day, in contact all day to almost nothing.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 11/04/2022 08:02

So he wants to live his life true to himself, and turned the last 14 into a lie for you. And turned his kids lives upside down.
What a lying, self centred twat.

Feelingoktoday · 11/04/2022 08:07

I’m so sorry to read this. My friend went through this exact situation. They are now divorced. Focus on the good times you had. But starting getting your paperwork together and see a solicitor. Good luck.

MaryAndHerNet · 11/04/2022 08:11

You're grieving.
That is the best way to think of it, and it's not meant as a negative.

Grief is a sense of loss, you've lost the person you thought you knew and thought you'd be with for longer yet. It's the minds way of coping and accepting loss and takes time to process.

The absolute best thing you can do now is take it easy on yourself. Allow yourself to feel however you feel. Take one day at a time and be there as best you can for the kids.

But, imo, theres 2 things you should avoid at this moment:
Firstly, don't allow the loss to swallow you. Life will move on, nothing never changes, life is a state of flux. People often forget that bad times pass and think it'll never get better. This way often leads to dependence on drink, drugs etc as a way to cope.

Secondly and with the best meaning I the world, don't ever allow him back, tempting as it might be, or as hard as it might be to resist, allowing him back will only lead to much worse things down the road and wouldn't be fair on you, him or kids.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:16

@GeneLovesJezebel

So he wants to live his life true to himself, and turned the last 14 into a lie for you. And turned his kids lives upside down. What a lying, self centred twat.
That's harsh.

He did, as a kid, what was expected of him, which is what most people expect of their 16 year olds.

Sounds like he's wrangled and struggled with it for many years.

It's an absolutely shit situation for the OP to be in, no doubt, but its sad for all of them tbh.
Not all parents are accepting of their kids being gay and maybe young him thought he could make a go of it and ignore it.

Tamworth123 · 11/04/2022 08:19

This is going to sound bad, but having read on here the level of trauma, hurt and confusion etc caused to women whose husband's and partners did not do this even if it's after 14 years) but instead deceived them, gas lit them, chested on them and risked their sexual health, used them as beards, wasted their lives etc ...... this I actually better.

Gay men using women as beards tend to wreck their mental health, self esteem etc

Tamworth123 · 11/04/2022 08:20

(The women's, obviously).

BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 08:22

The loss sounds unbearable, I’m so so sorry op. One day you will look back and realise all these things you didn’t notice before. That will take time I know.

Do you have people to talk to? I would definitely find a counsellor to talk to a LOT as you have kids too.

Tamworth123 · 11/04/2022 08:23

He shouldn't have done what he's done but I suppose we can all understand the level of pressure to conform to the norm (and the lack of certainty and confidence young people may feel about things like their sexuality).

He's gay,vhe can't change it, you can't change it. All you can do is recover and try to forge a decent copsrentjng relationship.

PearPickingPorky · 11/04/2022 08:25

He lied to you. He let you base your whole life on a lie. Is it even true that he always knew he's been gay, or is he rewriting history to justify it to himself?

While he's off at his parents living his best life, is he intending to pull his 50% of weight with his children?

Be kind to yourself OP. He's treated you (and the DC) terribly by doing this to you.

Lottapianos · 11/04/2022 08:28

'I would definitely find a counsellor to talk to a LOT as you have kids too.'

Very much agree. This is an enormous bombshell and a huge shock and you are going to need professional support to process it all. NOT joint counselling with him btw, just for you

I really feel for you. My mother found out that my father was either gay or bisexual after over 30 years of marriage. She is still with him, I think because she doesn't have the self esteem to leave, but is eaten up with bitterness. This is a huge loss and a huge shock for you, but you deserve so much better than being made to live a lie x

merrymelodies · 11/04/2022 08:30

My cousin tried so hard to be straight and got engaged to his high school sweetheart. Fortunately for everyone concerned, he broke it off. We're both middle aged now but back in the 80s, the pressure to be straight was huge. Being gay just wasn't acceptable to our parents or even to our peers. It was terrible. He only came out after his dad passed away and that was in '97. I feel so sad for both you and your H, OP! I wish you strength and courage.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 11/04/2022 08:36

@GeneLovesJezebel

So he wants to live his life true to himself, and turned the last 14 into a lie for you. And turned his kids lives upside down. What a lying, self centred twat.
Pretty harsh, There have been threads on here where married women with families have come out as gay, and they are never called lying, self cantered twats, in fact they are normally supported and told to live their true lives, touch of double standards here.
SScoobiedoo · 11/04/2022 08:43

I would want to speak to a counsellor who can advise on what to say to the DCs. They need some explanation ie that it isn't anything you or they did. But also to arrange regular contact for them - he is still a dad.

HabitsDieHard · 11/04/2022 08:44

Such a difficult thing for you to process. Your husband sounds like he didn't deliberately set out to hurt you, but got caught up in a lie by not being able to accept who he is.
I agree with a pp who said You are dealing with a huge loss and are in the grieving process, so be very gentle with yourself.

Northgirl96 · 11/04/2022 08:45

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow unless @GeneLovesJezebel said that then your point is irrelevant

campocaro · 11/04/2022 08:47

I'm so sorry. You'll be in total shock. This group is amazing- loads of people in same position to support you. straightpartnersanonymous.com

AgentJohnson · 11/04/2022 08:52

@MaryAndHerNet post is excellent!

ilovechocolate07 · 11/04/2022 08:55

I'm so sorry this has happened to you! You must be devastated, especially as over those years they have made efforts to reassure you when the plaster could have been ripped off less painfully if it was earlier. Definitely try to get some talking therapy to process what you're going through.

Workinghardeveryday · 11/04/2022 09:02

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with pp that is it a form of grief. You need time to feel whatever you feel at that moment.

Can someone look after the kids for a couple of days? Give you time to yourself.

Talk to a trusted friend in real life if you can.

This is the start of your new life, doesn’t mean it is a bad one. You will meet someone else and you will fall in love again when you’re ready. Xxx

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 11/04/2022 09:10

You are 30, right? It’s awful and horrible, for you and the kids. But at least you know now. You can move on and find happiness that is real, not based on a lie.

So sorry op.

MiniatureHotdog · 11/04/2022 09:18

So he wants to live his life true to himself, and turned the last 14 into a lie for you. And turned his kids lives upside down.
What a lying, self centred twat

This. Yes, sure it was very hard for him but there was absolutely no excuse for dragging you into this when you had no knowledge of the situation. What a weak, selfish person. Not being brave enough to come out is one thing, getting a long term partner and having DC is unforgiveable.

Please out yourself first OP. This is not your fault. You are not obliged to support his through this. Prioritise getting your finances etc in place and get some counselling. Do you have any support?

sunshinesupermum · 11/04/2022 09:18

LM a huge hug from me to you.

My ExH did the same to me after being married for 30 years. His wobble came about 7 years before he finally came out. At that point we had gone to Relate and he admitted to a fling with a guy at uni which I accepted was experimental but should have realised what a red flag it was.

He wanted to stay married, told me he loved me yada yada and only admitted the truth after I began an affair of my own (in desperation I might add, which I'm not proud of, but we are still together after 14 years so something good did come out of this disaster).

My ExH lied to me from before we married as he eventually told me he'd been attracted to boys in Junior School (!) His family had all guessed and no one said anything to me about it. Our two 20 something daughters accepted his sexuality but not his lies esp when learning he had been in a gay relationship for the last 6 years of our marriage with his so-called best friend. They no longer have a relationship with him because he distanced himself away completely and remarried another man he met on Grindr.

There is a very good group that I was involved with from its inception just as my world fell apart. It offers support for people like us and is totally anonymous. straightpartnersanonymous.com/

You will hurt badly, there is no getting away from it BUT the pain will eventually lessen and you and your children WILL survive, I promise you.

sunshinesupermum · 11/04/2022 09:19

Not being brave enough to come out is one thing, getting a long term partner and having DC is unforgiveable. This.

MiniatureHotdog · 11/04/2022 09:19

*put yourself

ThreeLocusts · 11/04/2022 09:29

Hi OP, as others said, what a terrible shock and loss. You do yourself no favours by judging your DP too harshly, I think - he was young and confused, and like most of us conformist.

There's a big test still in the future: will he step up as a parent, look for appropriate ways to explain the situation, put in the childcare time, remain respectful towards you? You can set your expectations high in this regard. He's still a father.

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