DP announced hes gay

[LM20]

Childhood sweethearts, 2 DC together (9 and 4) been together for 14 years.

Late 2019 DP confessed that he thought he was bisexual. He said he had an attraction to men, enjoyed watching gay porn (but not of anal sex) however he had absolutely no desire to be with a man, he was more attracted to women and it was a kink/fetish. He said he was 70% attracted to women, 30% attracted to men.

Last month, he started acting distant. When I approached him, he said he felt guilty and couldn't continue living his life a lie. He was very, very attracted to men and thought he was gay. He then said he thought he was confused because we hadn't been intimate for a few weeks, we're distant the weeks leading up to it and continued telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me, for us to stay a family - this continued for days but then he would say what if I am gay and I'm lying to myself? What if this crops up again in the future?

After much probing, he finally confessed that he was indeed gay, in high school had only ever been attracted to the boys, watched only gay porn however when we started dating at 16, he felt it was the right thing to do given it was expected by parents, family and society. He said he's never struggled to have sex with me, he's enjoyed our sex life and it felt right. He knew he always wanted children, and he fell in love with me.

He's now moved out and went to his parents - he wants to live his life being true to himself as a gay man. I am devastated - my entire world has been turned upside down. One minute I miss and love him; the next I hate him.

He's always been a family orientated man; I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I'm at a loss as to how our contact has went from seeing each other every day, in contact all day to almost nothing.

[quote BiscuitLover3678]@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious again, when did I say I was sympathetic to this guy?!?

Being homophobic is offensive to all gay people!

I’m done with the stupidity on this thread.

I hope you find peace op and life gets better for you. I would be absolutely devastated in your position and I wish you all the best. I really would look for a decent counsellor - it works wonders but can take some time. [/quote]
It's not homophobic to judge someone for lying to their partner for years about their sexuality and wasting years of their life. That's not homophobic at all. No one is saying they judge or dislike people who are gay, that would be homophobic.

I know my post is coloured by my own experience but a close friend was once is a somewhat similar situation.

He was with his childhood sweetheart, had built a house together , was engaged and ended up calling off the wedding 2 weeks before it happened.

As he says himself, he knew he felt different from an early age but when he met her, he really liked her and did love her, although maybe not in the way he should have. They had common interests, got on well and were really good friends. Together, he genuinely believed they could have a happy life together. He really didn't want to admit he was gay, considered himself bisexual and that he had made his choice. He knows he was lying to himself as much as everyone else.

When they broke up, a lot of his fears were realised. His deeply homophobic father cut him off, 2 siblings gave him awful abuse, he lost friends, his business suffered etc. His mental health spiralled.

Years later, they are both married to other people and both attended each others weddings. She genuinely meant a lot to him and still does.

I suppose my point is, the people who end up doing this to their partners are usually driven by fear and wanting to belong rather than out of malice.

It's an absolutely horrible position to find yourself in & be the collateral damage but often the person is lying to themselves as much as their partner. Neither position is enviable.

Unfortunately, the relationship is over and the anger justified but the only thing worst than a lie is to continue lying. He did the right thing for both of you, however many years later than he should have.

Anyone watched Grace and Frankie? Now that is selfish!!

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious you genuinely seem to have no understanding of how it works. He has told her. He’s told her as soon as he knew.

There is a lot of ignorance in this thread.

[quote BiscuitLover3678]@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious you genuinely seem to have no understanding of how it works. He has told her. He’s told her as soon as he knew.

There is a lot of ignorance in this thread.[/quote]
You genuinely seem to have trouble understanding the OP where it says he knew in his teenage years he was attracted to men and watched gay porn. He dated a woman as he felt it was the right thing to do by society. So he didn't tell her when he knew did he?

@LM20 I'm sorry, but you will meet lots of people like @BiscuitLover3678 who will minimise any pain you have at being used, who have made deities of men like your ex. You will be admonished for not being delighted. You will be treated like a bigot because obviously your correct thinking should be delight at having been lied to, of being manipulated into being a prop, to have had your right to meaningful consent to the life you find you have now. Thats all secondary to the happy pursuit for a man and his authentic life.

The GOOD news is, that it makes it astonishingly easy to work out who thinks you aren't worth as much as their imagination of "how it is". Saves you loads of time which you can barely afford now he's stolen so much of that from you.

It will get better. You will survive this. Your faith in people will take a battering, you'll get good at working out who cares about their ego more than you and the kids. Who is a rubber necker or wants a front seat for the drama. You will find a small number of golden folk amongst all the shits. Believe me, this sort of thing changes everything. Good luck.

I'm sorry, but all these PP saying that he was just trying to conform, you have to feel for him a little...He didn't need to bring innocent children into this. Young children who will be very damaged by this. I'm so sorry OP. I hope you have real life support and can also get some decent legal advice.

We should not forget that he is gay, because that is being dismissive to the awful situation that the OP is going through and the trauma she is likely to suffer as a result of this. no I absolutely do agree. My comment to forget that he’s gay was in response to @biscuitlover3678 who said that he should be allowed to leave for whatever reason he wanted, so I pointed out that if he said he wanted to leave to sleep with other women he certainly wouldn’t be being commended for his bravery.

But you need to read the rest of my post in context to the only line you’ve quoted.

you genuinely seem to have no understanding of how it works. He has told her. He’s told her as soon as he knew.
From the OP:

After much probing, he finally confessed that he was indeed gay, in high school had only ever been attracted to the boys, watched only gay porn however when we started dating at 16, he felt it was the right thing to do given it was expected by parents, family and society. He said he's never struggled to have sex with me, he's enjoyed our sex life and it felt right. He knew he always wanted children, and he fell in love with me.

Perhaps you’d like to explain how that equates to him having “told her as soon as he knew”?

He's a selfish arsehole. Being that and gay are not mutually exclusive.

Pressure to conform?? What? At 16? Or even 26 for that matter?? I didn't have any serious relationships at that age. I was sleeping around and my family weren't standing there holding the duvet and a candle.

My brother hasn't had any relationships that I know of and he's 35 now. Bollocks to pressure to conform!

@AlternativePerspective

I quoted @BiscuitLover3678. Not your post.

@ Moser85 ah apologies :-)

There’s nothing brave in lying and deceiving people for your own selfish reasons.
I’m so sorry OP.

I suppose you are all to busy squabbling amongst yourselves to notice the op hasnt returned.

I guess she saw the calibre of poster and decided to go elsewhere for decent advice

@LM20 I am so sorry to read this. 8 months ago I found my now ex dp watching gay porn. He'd also been messaging men. I was devastated. But he hadn't physically cheated and I felt sorry for him. That in this modern world he was lying to himself and how sad is that? Then I found out he had cheated on me with another woman and my sympathy evaporated! But even if sympathetic towards your dp it doesn't mean that you can't feel a massive sense of loss too.

It's devastating. You are grieving the life you bought into, the life you were planning, the life you imagined for yourself and your children.

My advice:

• take 1 second, minute, hour at a time. Don't think too far ahead. Don't let your mind catastrophise because it's a hole hard to dig yourself out of.
• if you work go to the GP and get signed off.
• if you have good friends and family spend time with them even if it's just sitting quietly with a cup of tea.
• (now the hard bits) talk to a solicitor
• talk to citizens advice- if he sint int he house you could be eligible for different benefits (trust me everything comes in handy)
• lastly find yourself a good counsellor- I had no more than 6 sessions but they were invaluable in those early days.
• any communication about finances or kids make sure you email a synopsis so that ypu both have a copy and solicitor can have them as well (sounds awful but it's amazing how quickly people change)

Look after yourself OP. Things will get easier with time.