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Original poster

DP announced hes gay

115 replies

LM20 · 11/04/2022 08:00

Childhood sweethearts, 2 DC together (9 and 4) been together for 14 years.

Late 2019 DP confessed that he thought he was bisexual. He said he had an attraction to men, enjoyed watching gay porn (but not of anal sex) however he had absolutely no desire to be with a man, he was more attracted to women and it was a kink/fetish. He said he was 70% attracted to women, 30% attracted to men.

Last month, he started acting distant. When I approached him, he said he felt guilty and couldn't continue living his life a lie. He was very, very attracted to men and thought he was gay. He then said he thought he was confused because we hadn't been intimate for a few weeks, we're distant the weeks leading up to it and continued telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me, for us to stay a family - this continued for days but then he would say what if I am gay and I'm lying to myself? What if this crops up again in the future?

After much probing, he finally confessed that he was indeed gay, in high school had only ever been attracted to the boys, watched only gay porn however when we started dating at 16, he felt it was the right thing to do given it was expected by parents, family and society. He said he's never struggled to have sex with me, he's enjoyed our sex life and it felt right. He knew he always wanted children, and he fell in love with me.

He's now moved out and went to his parents - he wants to live his life being true to himself as a gay man. I am devastated - my entire world has been turned upside down. One minute I miss and love him; the next I hate him.

He's always been a family orientated man; I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I'm at a loss as to how our contact has went from seeing each other every day, in contact all day to almost nothing.

OP posts:
gossipbird · 11/04/2022 09:53

I would get a quick divorce, therapy for you and the kids and go on nice holiday.

He let you live a lie because he's selfish and too much of a coward to be truthful. You need to remember that.

The person you miss doesn't exist.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 10:03

I’m so sorry to hear this OP.
I completely get why you would have such mixed feelings about him.

In some ways it probably would have been easier if he had an affair and left as then at least you could be angry.

I do genuinely believe he loves you and always has.

I know it doesn’t help but at least he didn’t leave you because he stopped loving you or because he left you through an affair, he’s just worried that he’s living a lie and can’t live with it any longer.

My friends mum did this.
She is still so in love with her husband but she had to leave to live as a gay women for her own MH.
She now has a wife and her ex husband was the witness for the marriage.

SucculentChalice · 11/04/2022 10:29

Its amazing how these men manage to trap women into marriages, have children, be long term serial liars and get all the career benefits that come from presenting the traditional family image before having to be their true selves.

BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 10:36

@SucculentChalice

Its amazing how these men manage to trap women into marriages, have children, be long term serial liars and get all the career benefits that come from presenting the traditional family image before having to be their true selves.
Seriously? You think this man has enjoyed this? Hmm

Mumsnet at its best. Grim.

SucculentChalice · 11/04/2022 10:51

BiscuitLover Seriously? You think this man has enjoyed this?

I did not use the word enjoy. I have no idea why you are attributing it to me.

There are 3 people in this scenario who are adversely affected by this, not just one, including a 9 year old child and a 4 year old child. The man in this situation appears to have moved out of the family home and isn't even looking after his own children at present following years of lies. These appear to be the facts, not some esoteric accusations which you think people mean but actually didn't even say.

whumpthereitis · 11/04/2022 10:58

@sunshinesupermum

Not being brave enough to come out is one thing, getting a long term partner and having DC is unforgiveable. This.
Also this. I understand this man has struggled horribly, but that doesn’t excuse inflicting this time theft, deception, and pain onto innocent parties. Being on the receiving end of pain does not entitle you to inflict it.

The destruction left in the wake of something like this is horribly real and reverberates through lives. I can feel sorry for the struggling boy he was, but I’m not going to pat him on the back and applaud him for ‘being his authentic self’ when he’s used an unsuspecting person who trusted and loved him as a human shield, and then discarded her when she’s no longer needed.

That goes for both men and women that do this.

maddy68 · 11/04/2022 11:00

It's taken a lot for him to come out. He obviously loves you but this is something out of his control.

It's also out of your control. It's complicated. Be kind to yourself. You are in a grieving process

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 11:08

@SucculentChalice

Its amazing how these men manage to trap women into marriages, have children, be long term serial liars and get all the career benefits that come from presenting the traditional family image before having to be their true selves.
FFS...
Roseglen84 · 11/04/2022 11:10

@maddy68

It's taken a lot for him to come out. He obviously loves you but this is something out of his control.

It's also out of your control. It's complicated. Be kind to yourself. You are in a grieving process

What wasn't out of his control was getting married and having children. Also, they have been together 14 years, so since about 2008 - not exactly the 1970's in terms of social acceptance of homosexuality.

I'm sorry OP, the betrayal is huge, don't let anyone tell you that you cannot be angry or hurt by this just because he has his own pain to deal with.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 11:12

The destruction left in the wake of something like this is horribly real and reverberates through lives. I can feel sorry for the struggling boy he was, but I’m not going to pat him on the back and applaud him for ‘being his authentic self’ when he’s used an unsuspecting person who trusted and loved him as a human shield, and then discarded her when she’s no longer needed.

Life is hard.

He probably.genuinely believe he could.do it when he was younger.

Like all the women who believe they will change a man or that he'll change when the children come along and any of the other stupid things people tell themselves...

What's done is done. Was he supposed to pretend for the rest of his life?

My exh had an affair. Neither of us were happy in thearriage but I'd have been willing to stick it out for the children and turned down many men along the way. He fell in love and chose to he with her. I told him that I didn't like the way he'd done it but we all deserve to he happier. I'm now with a man who loves me in a way I never thought I'd be loved.

It's never the right thing to do to stay with the wrong person.

Gowithme · 11/04/2022 11:36

This reply has been deleted

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BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 11:37

@Gowithme

Been there OP and it's shit, but I've found men generally just do what's best for them. I know that feeling like even after so many years you don't even know them, the betrayal is huge. He didn't want to be alone and didn't feel he could be gay so he got you as a pet. He wanted children and you were a convenient vessel. Have you watched Brokeback mountain? I'll bet any money that the reason he enjoyed sex with you was because he was fantasising he was with men, I don't suppose his favourite position was doggy style by any chance? Now he's got the kids and being gay is more acceptable you're dropped while he goes off and 'discovers himself'.

Don't ever let him back OP. There's every chance he'll discover the grass isn't greener, that being gay was an idealised fantasy and once he's sowed his wild oats he'll want to come crawling back and be the family man again.

None of it was out of his control, he knew, he just took the easy road and used you. You deserve so much better than this, I doubt he ever loved you, it just makes him sound like a good guy if he says it. If he really loved you he wouldn't be ripping the family apart now so he can act out his porn fantasies.

And yes I have said exactly the same to women on here.

Hmm is this a joke?
BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 11:39

@SucculentChalice

BiscuitLover Seriously? You think this man has enjoyed this?

I did not use the word enjoy. I have no idea why you are attributing it to me.

There are 3 people in this scenario who are adversely affected by this, not just one, including a 9 year old child and a 4 year old child. The man in this situation appears to have moved out of the family home and isn't even looking after his own children at present following years of lies. These appear to be the facts, not some esoteric accusations which you think people mean but actually didn't even say.

Of course what has happened is heartbreaking! But you’re saying he purposefully ‘benefited’ from marrying a women and having children as if this was all some joke. You don’t know what he was like as a husband and father. He’s probably struggled for his entire life to try and do the right thing. What’s his alternative? Stay with her despite being secretly gay? Hmm it’s better for the op longterm that he’s finally out. Come on.
Maybe83 · 11/04/2022 11:54

I don't have any more sympathy for people who find themselves in your DP situation than I do people who have affairs.

I dont think they are brave or how difficult it is for them. He has had a 14 year relationship with you and had children based on a lie. It is I think one of the worst betrayals of a person you can have.

I also wouldn't give two fucks about him being able to live his authentic life and would have absolutely zero sympathy for him. Would you have stayed with him if he had told you how he felt in his early 20s? Before you had children?

We don't live in the 50s. You made life decisions based on the person he presented himself to you as.

It is a form of grief. Get some counselling and under no circumstances allow yourself to take on sympathy for him. Your priority needs to be you.

Focus on you and your children and how you can try your best to have a co parenting relationship with him in the future.

diddl · 11/04/2022 11:55

Is he only 30?

In which case wtf was he thinking?

It's not as if he would have been under pressure to marry & have kids to hide who he was.

It would be acceptable for him only now to be settling down!

BiscuitLover3678 · 11/04/2022 11:56

Very few posters have said the dh is brave. Pretty much everyone is incredibly sympathetic to the op.
Doesn’t mean we need to have homophobic comments.

Lottapianos · 11/04/2022 12:23

'It's not as if he would have been under pressure to marry & have kids to hide who he was.'

I really wouldn't be so sure about that. Not every family / community is accepting of gay or bisexual people, to put it very mildly

I'm not standing up for him btw. I think what he did was a grotesque betrayal of OP. He used her to get what he wanted out of the relationship, and that's appalling

SucculentChalice · 11/04/2022 12:28

BiscuitLover Of course what has happened is heartbreaking! But you’re saying he purposefully ‘benefited’ from marrying a women and having children as if this was all some joke. You don’t know what he was like as a husband and father. He’s probably struggled for his entire life to try and do the right thing. What’s his alternative? Stay with her despite being secretly gay? hmm it’s better for the op longterm that he’s finally out.

Whats with all the making up reactionary words and attributing them to me? You think I said it was a joke now? What are you on?

What I am saying is that very few women, and almost certainly not the OP, would have chosen to tie themselves to a man who was "struggling" with being gay, or had children with him.

Its not all about this man you know. There is the OP and 2 young children involved.

What I am saying is that, despite all of his alleged struggle, this has worked out remarkably well for the OP's husband. He get to be his true self but he also gets to have children and the experience of marriage. He's really had everything he wants, while his family will spend the rest of their lives compromising.

SucculentChalice · 11/04/2022 12:29

GreyCarpet He probably.genuinely believe he could.do it when he was younger

One of his children is 4 years older FGS. How much younger do you think he had to be?

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 12:33

@SucculentChalice

GreyCarpet He probably.genuinely believe he could.do it when he was younger

One of his children is 4 years older FGS. How much younger do you think he had to be?

And how many women continue to have children with shitty, useless men long after the first and long after they've realised he's useless?

People make mistakes. People make ill judged decisions. People do things against their better judgement. People kick the can down the road. People.stick their head in the sand and hope everything will be OK; that tomorrow will be different... People do these things all the time.

drpet49 · 11/04/2022 12:34

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny that

diddl · 11/04/2022 12:35

@Lottapianos

'It's not as if he would have been under pressure to marry & have kids to hide who he was.'

I really wouldn't be so sure about that. Not every family / community is accepting of gay or bisexual people, to put it very mildly

I'm not standing up for him btw. I think what he did was a grotesque betrayal of OP. He used her to get what he wanted out of the relationship, and that's appalling

No-I was thinking in terms of him being only 30 now iyswim.

Do people really start pressure their kids to settle down much before then-if at all?

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 12:36

Don't get me wrong, I think it was a shitty thing to do but posters telling her he was thinking about having sex with men when he was having sex with her and that he never loved her are just being unnecessarily cruel. The situation requires compassion all round.

And, as I said, he could have carried on stringing her along.

As.ling as being his authentic self doesn't mean he abandons his children too, this is just another relationship that, sadly, didn't work out

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 12:36

@drpet49

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny that
Yes, exactly.
AlternativePerspective · 11/04/2022 12:45

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny thatnope, I don’t have any more sympathy for a woman who deceives a partner and their children for years and years than I do for a man.

If he didn’t want to be with a woman then he shouldn’t have got married. He could just as easily have lived as a bachelor but no, his living a lie had to involve fucking up the lives of his wife and children and that is unforgivable.

I notice the same kind of sympathy isn’t generally extended to Philip Schofield on here?

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