DP announced hes gay

[LM20]

Childhood sweethearts, 2 DC together (9 and 4) been together for 14 years.

Late 2019 DP confessed that he thought he was bisexual. He said he had an attraction to men, enjoyed watching gay porn (but not of anal sex) however he had absolutely no desire to be with a man, he was more attracted to women and it was a kink/fetish. He said he was 70% attracted to women, 30% attracted to men.

Last month, he started acting distant. When I approached him, he said he felt guilty and couldn't continue living his life a lie. He was very, very attracted to men and thought he was gay. He then said he thought he was confused because we hadn't been intimate for a few weeks, we're distant the weeks leading up to it and continued telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me, for us to stay a family - this continued for days but then he would say what if I am gay and I'm lying to myself? What if this crops up again in the future?

After much probing, he finally confessed that he was indeed gay, in high school had only ever been attracted to the boys, watched only gay porn however when we started dating at 16, he felt it was the right thing to do given it was expected by parents, family and society. He said he's never struggled to have sex with me, he's enjoyed our sex life and it felt right. He knew he always wanted children, and he fell in love with me.

He's now moved out and went to his parents - he wants to live his life being true to himself as a gay man. I am devastated - my entire world has been turned upside down. One minute I miss and love him; the next I hate him.

He's always been a family orientated man; I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I'm at a loss as to how our contact has went from seeing each other every day, in contact all day to almost nothing.

@GreyCarpet

Don't get me wrong, I think it was a shitty thing to do but posters telling her he was thinking about having sex with men when he was having sex with her and that he never loved her are just being unnecessarily cruel. The situation requires compassion all round.

And, as I said, he could have carried on stringing her along.

As.ling as being his authentic self doesn't mean he abandons his children too, this is just another relationship that, sadly, didn't work out

You seem to have an agenda beyond the OP GreyCarpet.

Whereas I am somewhat sceptical about a man who managed to have a young family with a wife who wouldn't have considered doing so had he told her the truth and then before his children have both even reached school age, suddenly decides its time for him to be his authentic self.

He shouldn't have stringed her along in the first place. I think women are conditioned to accept lack of informed consent with regards to a lot of things, because it suits men rather well. So its not "just another relationship that didn't work out", its a relationship where there was deep rooted lying and quite likely calculated misrepresentation or manipulation from the beginning.

You really don't know enough to make that remark. Equally, this man could really have wanted children and decided to do that with a woman first while knowing full well he could leave at any point and decide to "be his true self".

Hopefully the OP will thrive once the initial shock wears off, but it doesn't disguise that she was duped by this man and she is the one who will bear most of the brunt of it while he gets away with little responsibility and living as his true self.

Why shouldn't women be sceptical when they are the ones who give birth?

Thing is, he probably has had sex with men, or at the very least he is involved with someone.

As people often say of men who leave their wives, men rarely leave unless they have somewhere else to go. I would imagine a man will crawl out of the woodwork in the next couple of months or so.

It’s naive to think that a man has suddenly just come out as gay without having actually and has been faithful all along. It’s highly unlikely he’s been faithful.

I can’t recall any threads from women who are only 30, who’ve known their whole adult lives that they’re gay but have lied to everyone around them and married and had children, who’ve posted on MN and been called amazing and brave.

The threads I recall were usually women who did not know they were gay.

I’m really surprised to hear that there are so many women posting who are only thirty - so born in 1991/1992 - who were so pressured by their family and their whole society (from 2007 onwards……) that they lied about their sexuality and married and had children.

And if i were the OP I would get myself to the STD clinic, because the same as a man having affairs, this man may well have put OP’s sexual health at risk.

@MissTrip82

I can’t recall any threads from women who are only 30, who’ve known their whole adult lives that they’re gay but have lied to everyone around them and married and had children, who’ve posted on MN and been called amazing and brave.

The threads I recall were usually women who did not know they were gay.

I’m really surprised to hear that there are so many women posting who are only thirty - so born in 1991/1992 - who were so pressured by their family and their whole society (from 2007 onwards……) that they lied about their sexuality and married and had children.

Or indeed moved out of their home leaving their husband to look after their children a month after decided they're gay for sure.

He’s lived a lie and now decides to turn all of yours into one too.
I couldn’t forgive him for this. It’s betrayal on so many levels and I also find it hugely exploitative in terms of your kindness and devotion and your actual life being used up this way.

I have every sympathy for someone who has felt that they had to hide who they really were in terms of sexual orientation but it’s unspeakably self absorbed to actually get married and have a family just to see if it can be managed away.

Don’t let the fact that sexual discrimination and homophobia exists as an excuse to do what he has done.

To turn all of your lives into one too that should have read

@drpet49

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny that

How many threads have you read on that?

It's really damaging psychologically to feel that your whole relationship has been a lie. That shouldn't be written off as just a relationship that didn't work out!
Lying about who you are in a fundamental way to obtain something you would otherwise not have been given, is fraud. And yy to the poster upthread who said that women often are denied their right to informed consent and how the importance of this is minimised.

OP I'd get a full sexual health check up. You can't rely on him to have been honest about anything he's been doing.

@drpet49

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny that

There was a thread on that very issue recently and the majority of comments were not 'how brave'.

You have my sympathy, OP. He's now free and single and living his authentic life and your life has been turned upside down and you're left a single parent. I’d feel betrayed if I were you and as though I’d been made a fool of. But it’s important not to let those feelings consume you. Easier said than done I realise.

@AlternativePerspective

And if i were the OP I would get myself to the STD clinic, because the same as a man having affairs, this man may well have put OP’s sexual health at risk.

OP needs to get tested for HEP C- my friend's gay husband gave her HEP C.

I remember that thread @UhtredsLatestPaganHussy the drip feed was immense, from 'oh I don't know what to do, I feel so bad' and it then came out that the op had found someone she wanted to leave her husband for, but wanted to absolve all guilt!

@drpet49

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny that

Exactly. But he's a man so he's selfish and awful by default.

The thinly veiled homophobia on this thread is disgusting.

My ex husband came out as a transvestite 24 years into our marriage. I still believe that he is gay but he's never admitted it. I never once saw him flirt with a woman, yet with men, he would be coy, giggly and literally light up in their presence.
We got divorced and he immediately got into a relationship with another woman. He is apparently 100% miserable and I'm pretty sure he hides behind the new marriage as he can't come out to anyone.

The thinly veiled homophobia on this thread is disgusting. do elaborate. Because if you’re suggesting that hiding one’s sexuality is perfectly legitimate reason for turning someone else’s life into a lie is homophobic (which, incidentally, it isn’t,) then I fail to see where there is any kind of homophobia.

It’s not wrong to come out as gay.

What is wrong is to deceive a woman, pretend to love her, have sex with her, have children with her, and then announce that the whole of the marriage was a lie because you were gay all along.

There’s nothing homophobic about saying that.

@ tiddlemouse I have a friend whose husband came out firstly as transvestite and then transsexual while they were going through the process of adopting a child.

She actually stayed with him, in seperate rooms etc until he started saying he wanted to start seeing other men, and then she moved out.

Apparently he’s now with a man who ironically has the same name (first and last) as my ex husband. although it’s not him…

She took years to get over it, she says that if she had known him as a friend and he’d come out as trans it wouldn’t have bothered her, but to pursue her, propose to her, actually let her believe that he wanted to adopt a child with her, he essentially threw her to the wolves without giving a shit about what happened to her.

I'm so sorry OP: be gentle with yourself.

You're grieving your marriage and regardless of why it ends, that's always hard.

You're bound to be wondering what about your relationship was 'real', but I don't think that's especially helpful for your healing - plenty of gay people marry someone of the opposite sex quite happily until later in life they realise they have been supressing their sexuality. Sexuality is complex, and I know a few gay men and women who were happily, genuinely in love with their partner for a long time despite later being 100% sure they were gay. Sometimes you love the person regardless of anything else. Your DH says he loved you, he married you, had kids with you, had good times with you: nothing changes that those things are real. Grieve the end of your marriage, but don't beat yourself up looking for signs or clues or feel like it was a lie. It will only hurt you and lead you nowhere good.

Your DH had a difficult choice to make and I don't envy any of you for how it has happened.

I’m so sorry OP. Your husband clearly really loved/loves you. Yes, it would have been better if he had broken it off when you were teens, but the pressure to conform is strong, just look at how women are socialised to behave.

It must have felt so much easier for him to stay because of how much he loved you. Clearly he is not happy to do that anymore, and it is massively unfair to you, massively.

But you are still really young, at least he has done this whilst you have time to grieve, and build a new future with someone else if you choose to. I hope that he is a good co-partnering partner.

Same happened to me, 20 year relationship, one child. Only he went one step further and told me to my face as he was walking out the door that he was only ever with me because he wanted to be a dad. Was never attracted to me and yes he admitted he would think of men to get it up.

He was meeting men throughout our entire relationship, I just didn't know it. He would have days off and not tell me so he could meet up with men. He would go out late at night telling me he had been called into work etc.

I'm not anti gay people, I know plenty, have gay family members and friends, I don't hate him, but I hate that he led me to believe we had a life together, a future, we were happy, None of it was real. 20 years of my life wasted on a man who found me repulsive in his own words. Put me off ever being with anyone again. He destroyed me as a person, my mental health, my trust and my self worth.

If I used a man to get pregnant without his knowledge, or for money, or whatever might take my fancy that would be wrong, so is using someone else and lying to them until you figure out your true self, regardless of sexuality.

@AlternativePerspective

And if i were the OP I would get myself to the STD clinic, because the same as a man having affairs, this man may well have put OP’s sexual health at risk.

Absolutely. The men I’ve known who’ve suddenly “seen the light” and left their wives to be their true gay self, had all been sleeping with other men already.

Reckon he's cheated OP. That time he was distant and you weren't having sex. Then what sounds like a comparison shag while he blamed his distance on the lack of sex with you as if it was your fault. Sounds to me as if he was testing out a gay relationship. So sorry OP. I believe one of my exes was gay. At the time I had no idea. With hindsight lots of things that were somewhat off in some way I could never put my finger on, when added all together could easily amount to him being gay. He's lied to you about who he is from the very beginning OP and you feel about that however you feel. Who gets married at 16 these days? Maybe he was trying to prove to himself he isn't gay, that and he wanted DC. Selfish prick. Wishing you luck finding a way to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. You and your DC must be reeling right now

My friends went through this, they have remained very close, she has remarried and he has a dp. There is a support group for this , you really aren't alone though rarer now.

Absolute for you OP, you must be reeling, just want you to remember its not on you to counsel him through this. Concentrate on your and your DCs needs and mental health.

@AlternativePerspective

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny thatnope, I don’t have any more sympathy for a woman who deceives a partner and their children for years and years than I do for a man.

If he didn’t want to be with a woman then he shouldn’t have got married. He could just as easily have lived as a bachelor but no, his living a lie had to involve fucking up the lives of his wife and children and that is unforgivable.

I notice the same kind of sympathy isn’t generally extended to Philip Schofield on here?

I agree. I've got no sympathy if it's done by a male or a female. OP you don't need to support your husband with this. You look after you and your child. That is what's important. You need to take care of your mental health.