DP announced hes gay

[LM20]

Childhood sweethearts, 2 DC together (9 and 4) been together for 14 years.

Late 2019 DP confessed that he thought he was bisexual. He said he had an attraction to men, enjoyed watching gay porn (but not of anal sex) however he had absolutely no desire to be with a man, he was more attracted to women and it was a kink/fetish. He said he was 70% attracted to women, 30% attracted to men.

Last month, he started acting distant. When I approached him, he said he felt guilty and couldn't continue living his life a lie. He was very, very attracted to men and thought he was gay. He then said he thought he was confused because we hadn't been intimate for a few weeks, we're distant the weeks leading up to it and continued telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me, for us to stay a family - this continued for days but then he would say what if I am gay and I'm lying to myself? What if this crops up again in the future?

After much probing, he finally confessed that he was indeed gay, in high school had only ever been attracted to the boys, watched only gay porn however when we started dating at 16, he felt it was the right thing to do given it was expected by parents, family and society. He said he's never struggled to have sex with me, he's enjoyed our sex life and it felt right. He knew he always wanted children, and he fell in love with me.

He's now moved out and went to his parents - he wants to live his life being true to himself as a gay man. I am devastated - my entire world has been turned upside down. One minute I miss and love him; the next I hate him.

He's always been a family orientated man; I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I'm at a loss as to how our contact has went from seeing each other every day, in contact all day to almost nothing.

@AlternativePerspective

The thinly veiled homophobia on this thread is disgusting. do elaborate. Because if you’re suggesting that hiding one’s sexuality is perfectly legitimate reason for turning someone else’s life into a lie is homophobic (which, incidentally, it isn’t,) then I fail to see where there is any kind of homophobia.

It’s not wrong to come out as gay.

What is wrong is to deceive a woman, pretend to love her, have sex with her, have children with her, and then announce that the whole of the marriage was a lie because you were gay all along.

There’s nothing homophobic about saying that.

This! 100%

@hditmt

Same happened to me, 20 year relationship, one child. Only he went one step further and told me to my face as he was walking out the door that he was only ever with me because he wanted to be a dad. Was never attracted to me and yes he admitted he would think of men to get it up.

He was meeting men throughout our entire relationship, I just didn't know it. He would have days off and not tell me so he could meet up with men. He would go out late at night telling me he had been called into work etc.

I'm not anti gay people, I know plenty, have gay family members and friends, I don't hate him, but I hate that he led me to believe we had a life together, a future, we were happy, None of it was real. 20 years of my life wasted on a man who found me repulsive in his own words. Put me off ever being with anyone again. He destroyed me as a person, my mental health, my trust and my self worth.

If I used a man to get pregnant without his knowledge, or for money, or whatever might take my fancy that would be wrong, so is using someone else and lying to them until you figure out your true self, regardless of sexuality.

@hditmt - This sounds awful. A hug to you and hope you will find happiness soon. You deserve it.

Ok so first of all forget the fact he’s actually gay.

He’s a man who had a high school girlfriend who he continued with and had kids young (if you look at the ages of the kids and did you say you’re only 30?) so it all happened very young and with no experience of anyone else.

He realises that the woman he is with isn’t right for him anymore. Yes it SUCKS but don’t we spend the whole time on here telling women they should be with the right person and leave the guy if she’s no longer in love? Why spend the rest of his life with the wrong person? He has now relieved her so that she can live her life. As she rightly should!

Then if you want to add in the gay thing, as someone who is the same age as this guy, I can tell you that there WAS still stigma back then (calling someone gay was a very popular insult at my school). It is very easy to fall into a relationship with someone you care about when there is some attractive there, especially if you didn’t fit a gay stereotype. You can see why someone would quash every fleeting thought to make their relationship work. You really think he should patronise the op and stay with her now he’s let himself slowly realise? And yes as society is becoming more and more accepting, showing that not everyone meets the stereotype, you do start letting yourself be ok with the truth.

Some people on here seem to think he knew at 16 he was definitely gay and pretended for over 10 years. obviously that would be awful but it’s clearly not true! Surely it’s with hindsight that he’s realising he must’ve been gay all along.

Ok is going through a horrific time but do not use this to be disgusting and homophobic.

Oh the poor guy biscuit let's not forget the fact he's moved out, left his family and is off 'living his best single life at his parents'. But hey he's being true to himself and that's of course all that matters...

@MichelleScarn

Oh the poor guy biscuit let's not forget the fact he's moved out, left his family and is off 'living his best single life at his parents'. But hey he's being true to himself and that's of course all that matters...

When did I say he was a poor guy?

Yes let’s all hope he’s miserable as fuck and never finds love again. Makes everything ok for the op apparently.

Come on. Men, gay or straight, who leave their wives generally have a much easier time of it than their ex who is left with the lion's share of the parenting and the emotional fallout. I suspect he'll be just fine...

Yes let’s all hope he’s miserable as fuck and never finds love again. Makes everything ok for the op apparently.

And NO-ONE has said the above either!!

@UhtredsLatestPaganHussy

Come on. Men, gay or straight, who leave their wives generally have a much easier time of it than their ex who is left with the lion's share of the parenting and the emotional fallout. I suspect he'll be just fine...

Yes! Agreed!

So let’s not make this into a homophobic thread. Because that is a poor disgusting excuse.

Ok so first of all forget the fact he’s actually gay. ok then, let’s call it like it is. He’s leaving because he wants to have sex with other people.

Do you think that’s an acceptable way to treat someone? If a poster came on here and said her partner had announced that he’s leaving because he’s decided he wants to sleep with other women he would rightly be branded all sorts.

But because he’s now said that the people he wants to sleep with are men we should all commend his bravery and sympathise with him, because to not do so is apparently homophobic. I don’t think so.

@AlternativePerspective

Ok so first of all forget the fact he’s actually gay. ok then, let’s call it like it is. He’s leaving because he wants to have sex with other people.

Do you think that’s an acceptable way to treat someone? If a poster came on here and said her partner had announced that he’s leaving because he’s decided he wants to sleep with other women he would rightly be branded all sorts.

But because he’s now said that the people he wants to sleep with are men we should all commend his bravery and sympathise with him, because to not do so is apparently homophobic. I don’t think so.

Literally not one poster has commended him.

He is no longer in love with the op and wants to have sex with others. Yes. It’s not like he’s not trying with his wife. He probably has been trying for years. He’s bloody gay.

So why the need for homophobic comments?

@BiscuitLover3678

Ok so first of all forget the fact he’s actually gay.

He’s a man who had a high school girlfriend who he continued with and had kids young (if you look at the ages of the kids and did you say you’re only 30?) so it all happened very young and with no experience of anyone else.

He realises that the woman he is with isn’t right for him anymore. Yes it SUCKS but don’t we spend the whole time on here telling women they should be with the right person and leave the guy if she’s no longer in love? Why spend the rest of his life with the wrong person? He has now relieved her so that she can live her life. As she rightly should!

Then if you want to add in the gay thing, as someone who is the same age as this guy, I can tell you that there WAS still stigma back then (calling someone gay was a very popular insult at my school). It is very easy to fall into a relationship with someone you care about when there is some attractive there, especially if you didn’t fit a gay stereotype. You can see why someone would quash every fleeting thought to make their relationship work. You really think he should patronise the op and stay with her now he’s let himself slowly realise? And yes as society is becoming more and more accepting, showing that not everyone meets the stereotype, you do start letting yourself be ok with the truth.

Some people on here seem to think he knew at 16 he was definitely gay and pretended for over 10 years. obviously that would be awful but it’s clearly not true! Surely it’s with hindsight that he’s realising he must’ve been gay all along.

Ok is going through a horrific time but do not use this to be disgusting and homophobic.

Are you the OP's husband, because you keep posting a lot of pandering shite. He lied and deceived her for years, he fathered two children with her knowing that he was lying and keeping something pretty fundamental from her. That is selfish behaviour whatever his reasoning behind it.

14 years ago it was completely fine to come out as a gay man. No legal restriction, very little if any social backlash. he's lied to you for 14 years to convenience himself and now he is trashing his family's stability also for his own convenience. Whatever his sexual orientation, he is spectacularly self-centred and you deserve better.

@BiscuitLover3678

Ok so first of all forget the fact he’s actually gay.

He’s a man who had a high school girlfriend who he continued with and had kids young (if you look at the ages of the kids and did you say you’re only 30?) so it all happened very young and with no experience of anyone else.

He realises that the woman he is with isn’t right for him anymore. Yes it SUCKS but don’t we spend the whole time on here telling women they should be with the right person and leave the guy if she’s no longer in love? Why spend the rest of his life with the wrong person? He has now relieved her so that she can live her life. As she rightly should!

Then if you want to add in the gay thing, as someone who is the same age as this guy, I can tell you that there WAS still stigma back then (calling someone gay was a very popular insult at my school). It is very easy to fall into a relationship with someone you care about when there is some attractive there, especially if you didn’t fit a gay stereotype. You can see why someone would quash every fleeting thought to make their relationship work. You really think he should patronise the op and stay with her now he’s let himself slowly realise? And yes as society is becoming more and more accepting, showing that not everyone meets the stereotype, you do start letting yourself be ok with the truth.

Some people on here seem to think he knew at 16 he was definitely gay and pretended for over 10 years. obviously that would be awful but it’s clearly not true! Surely it’s with hindsight that he’s realising he must’ve been gay all along.

Ok is going through a horrific time but do not use this to be disgusting and homophobic.

Are you joking? He knew in high school he was attracted to men and watched gay porn but decided to get in a relationship with OP and lie to her for years and years. He knew back when he was a teenager so there's no sympathy for him here. He doesn't deserve any.

If he watches gay porn im sure it involves anal. What the issue with that is what puzzles me "not anal"

So is he a terrible person for not knowing for sure he was gay when he started a relationship with op in secondary school or because he now doesn’t want to stay with her because he’s very sure he’s gay?

For those thinking he should stay with her, I find that incredibly depressing.

Either way, it’s a good thing it’s over.

Maybe we could try and help the op instead?

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious again, when did I say I was sympathetic to this guy?!?

Being homophobic is offensive to all gay people!

I’m done with the stupidity on this thread.

I hope you find peace op and life gets better for you. I would be absolutely devastated in your position and I wish you all the best. I really would look for a decent counsellor - it works wonders but can take some time.

Bastard!
For how many more decades are people going to blame this on societal pressure even though many other people in the same situation come out and live their lives truthfully from a young age.

If they don't want to come out as gay then just don't date women either, don't drag other people into a lie or use them as a cover up, it's so so so wrong.

It doesn't matter whether he has left you for a man or a woman... he is being unfaithful either way.

He just wants an affair - and all the excitement - feeling of being young etc. that goes with it. He is like all those other men who suddenly go seeking 20 year olds and their lost youth.

@gingerhills

14 years ago it was completely fine to come out as a gay man. No legal restriction, very little if any social backlash. he's lied to you for 14 years to convenience himself and now he is trashing his family's stability also for his own convenience. Whatever his sexual orientation, he is spectacularly self-centred and you deserve better.

This is a blinkered, even ignorant position.

There are people who are unable to come out now for fear of family reprisals or social backlash, or just internalised shame. One of my brothers who is gay and works with vulnerable and at-risk gay young people works with dozens of teenagers right now who would be either kicked out of home or even in physical danger from their own families if they came out, or if the family discovered that their son or daughter was gay.

It very much depends on where someone lives, what their family background is, and the social context of their lives.

I'm not excusing what this man did, lying is never right and even factoring in the difficulties of accepting and subsequently coming out it doesn't reflect well on him at all. I agree with you that he has acted self-centredly.

But announcing that it was completely fine to come out 14 years ago is very naive. It might have been fine for you, in your family. For many others it would have been, and continues to be, somewhere between ostracism and a death sentence. Even in the UK.

Ok so first of all forget the fact he’s actually gay.

No we shouldn't forget that he's gay.

OP is dealing with 2 things here.
One is that her relationship is over.

The other is that her relationship was a lie because her husband is gay.

We should not forget that he is gay, because that is being dismissive to the awful situation that the OP is going through and the trauma she is likely to suffer as a result of this.

If someone posted on here that their husband left them and had lived a double life with another woman for the entirety of their marriage, you wouldn't say well first of all forget the double life and the other woman and betrayal. He's just realised you're not the right woman for him anymore

What homophobic comments? There has been none so far??

And also that situation detailed above is not the same. It's more equivalent of, he met op at 16, knew he was in love with someone else, strung op along for 14 years and had two children all the while fantasizing about someone else and ticking down the days until he can be with them instead of op and his children.

No one is owed a relationship. So why on earth there's sympathy for him when he stole 14 years of someone's life at a point in history where being single and free is the most acceptable thing ever. Plus the fact he is only about 30 meaning he chose to abuse the ops trust and have children and a relationship at a time where it's socially acceptable and normal for him to have been a bachelor at his age.

@drpet49

Funny isn’t it. When there are threads from women suddenly realising they are lesbian and want to leave their kids and husbands they are “brave”. Funny that

I’ve been here for a long time and I’ve never seen a single thread from a lesbian who wanted to leave her kids. Let alone one where everyone said she was brave.

Lesbians, much like straight women, usually want to put their children first.

@NightmareSlashDelightful - you arwe absolutely right - there were then and are still instances where it's not possible to come out as gay safely. What I meant was, he could have found a gay community, made a life for himself. It may have involved sacrifices such as lying to parents or losing contact with them, but the opportunity to move to a place where being gay was seen as normal and to mix with people who openly expressed their gay sexuality - these things were possible then in a way they weren't 50 years ago. So he didn't have to second OP as his social mask. It's a cruel and selfish thing to do in an era when it was possible to live freely and openly within a supportive community of gay people.

@M0RVEN I distinctly recall one about a woman who wanted to leave her husband.

Since when is this ops husband leaving his kids? Oh wait should he take them from her and move out with them? Leave her alone?

Ok is going through a horrific time but do not use this to be disgusting and homophobic.

It's not homophobic to criticise the actions of an individual gay man.

As a society we should have empathy for people who felt they had to hide and deny their impulses and truths in this way. But those pushing OP to do so are out of line. What he did was still wrong and hurt her. You can feel sorry for him without telling her not to judge him. She gets to judge him if she wants.