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Friend has invited herself to our honeymoon
129

JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 01:33

*namechanged

Some tactful advice needed please!
Husband to be and I have several kids between us in our blended family. Instead of doing a honeymoon with just us, we are taking all the kids away with us for a week on a road trip. My best friend of thirty years (Friend 1) is coming too as she has kids the same age who are really close to mine and our kids all love each other. We were looking forward to chilling out in the evenings to gather whilst the kids played harmoniously.

Friend 2 has just said when I was telling her about the plans that because the place we are visiting is one of her favourite places, she wants to come. She's a high drama person, very controlling and this isn't what I want. Problem is she said it in front of the kids who got excited about her coming so they have been chatting away all week now about the plans.

I need to manage this and do some damage control. She's saying she would pay for herself etc so it's not the money thing. Friend 2 doesn't have kids, and has mental health issues that can be quite overwhelming to manage. She's had a horrible year but she's really hard work and does need managing.
She also doesn't know Friend 1.

It's my own fault but I was so taken aback by her saying she wanted to come along in front of the kids that I agreed in shock, now I'm just thinking this is going to be a nightmare! How best to tactfully manage it without sending Friend 2 into a misery spiral.

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NowNowDermot · 11/04/2022 01:39

Could you use Friend 1 as an excuse? Say you feel really awkward but you know Friend 1 wouldn't be comfortable with someone she/her DC don't know and you feel you have to honour the original plan for her sake?

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 01:41

@NowNowDermot

Could you use Friend 1 as an excuse? Say you feel really awkward but you know Friend 1 wouldn't be comfortable with someone she/her DC don't know and you feel you have to honour the original plan for her sake?

As I was writing it down just now I was thinking this - actually in reality Friend 1 is very very shy and she would be quite awkward around Friend 2. I was also thinking of implying that if Friend 2 were to come she would end up stuck with babysitting duties 😂
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Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 01:56

You've allowed this to get out of control enough, so you need to deal with this now. Tell her she's not invited.

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NowNowDermot · 11/04/2022 02:00

I think I would start out by saying 'I'm really sorry but I don't think you joining us is going to work'. That way she knows from the outset where the conversation is heading. It helps that it's basically true that Friend 1 would not be comfortable, you can do the whole 'it puts me in an impossible position....it means her kids will miss out....' thing with a clear conscience Smile

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GoIntoTheLight · 11/04/2022 02:02

You agreed!?

I think you should use Friend 1 as an excuse, too. Say something like "hey, after speaking with Friend 1 I don't think it'll work - she's really dying to spend time with me and DH, plus she's a bit shy. It would be great to spend some time one on one with you, why don't we go to the zoo/Devon/the mall when we get back?"

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:05

I know I agreed - it came out of the blue and she said it in front of the youngest kids so they immediately started jumping up and down in excitement as they love her. I was just in shock that anyone let alone her would just take it upon themselves to invite themselves along! I said "Oh that would be nice." And then felt horrible. I've been quite depressed myself recently so I was caught off guard and feeling quite vulnerable :(

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:08

@GoIntoTheLight

You agreed!?

I think you should use Friend 1 as an excuse, too. Say something like "hey, after speaking with Friend 1 I don't think it'll work - she's really dying to spend time with me and DH, plus she's a bit shy. It would be great to spend some time one on one with you, why don't we go to the zoo/Devon/the mall when we get back?"

I like this response - I think I'm going to have to work a variation of this.
Shit :(

It's symptomatic of a bigger problem I have right now with not being well and feeling quite overwhelmed by other people.
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GoIntoTheLight · 11/04/2022 02:09

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh. I can imagine it was difficult to say no when your honeymoon already sounded unconventional, with kids and another friend coming.

But even so - who invites themselves on someone else's holiday! No wonder you were taken by surprise.

I know you're worried about your friend and a possible misery spiral, but actually, she wasn't too worried about your or your feelings when she invited herself on your honeymoon. Stand strong!

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:10

I have a couple of operations lined up in the next few weeks so I think I was just being nice to have an easy life. It happened in a flurry and I was caught off guard. So angry with myself!

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GoIntoTheLight · 11/04/2022 02:11

I reckon text her - if you get into a conversation with her it'll end up with her trying to pick holes in your reasoning.

Tell her what you want to say, then just keep repeating variations of "sorry Friend 2, that won't work for us."

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:12

@GoIntoTheLight

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh. I can imagine it was difficult to say no when your honeymoon already sounded unconventional, with kids and another friend coming.

But even so - who invites themselves on someone else's holiday! No wonder you were taken by surprise.

I know you're worried about your friend and a possible misery spiral, but actually, she wasn't too worried about your or your feelings when she invited herself on your honeymoon. Stand strong!

No no it's ok, actually you've said it there - it IS an unconventional honeymoon and so to Friend 2 it probably sounded like a sort of open invitation type event.
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AnnesBrokenSlate · 11/04/2022 02:19

I think it's wrong to blame Friend 1. It's also a lie that you'll easily be caught out in since it seems your DCs end up in the middle of your conversations with friends.

You need to tell the truth and you need to do it sooner rather than later. You don't need to give a big explanation to Friend 2 just 'sorry it's not going to work this time, maybe we can arrange it for another time.'

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:24

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I think it's wrong to blame Friend 1. It's also a lie that you'll easily be caught out in since it seems your DCs end up in the middle of your conversations with friends.

You need to tell the truth and you need to do it sooner rather than later. You don't need to give a big explanation to Friend 2 just 'sorry it's not going to work this time, maybe we can arrange it for another time.'

Friend 1 is shy and very sensitive mind you so it's not too much of a lie.
Yes one or two of the kids are constantly there, and they seem to multiply! We are the Brady Bunch!
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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:28

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I think it's wrong to blame Friend 1. It's also a lie that you'll easily be caught out in since it seems your DCs end up in the middle of your conversations with friends.

You need to tell the truth and you need to do it sooner rather than later. You don't need to give a big explanation to Friend 2 just 'sorry it's not going to work this time, maybe we can arrange it for another time.'

Sorry, posted before I meant to, I think the "sorry it's not going to work this time" is where I'm going to have to go with it regardless though. It really isn't going to work as even from a slight different view it's going to be hard work for Friend 2 with all the kids if she doesn't have kids.

I like the chaos of having children around all the time - it's my thing really. Travelling with a lot of kids suits me but I think I can say to Friend 2 that it's actually going to be long exhausting days.
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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:30

@GoIntoTheLight

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh. I can imagine it was difficult to say no when your honeymoon already sounded unconventional, with kids and another friend coming.

But even so - who invites themselves on someone else's holiday! No wonder you were taken by surprise.

I know you're worried about your friend and a possible misery spiral, but actually, she wasn't too worried about your or your feelings when she invited herself on your honeymoon. Stand strong!

"but actually, she wasn't too worried about your or your feelings when she invited herself on your honeymoon. Stand strong!"

This. I need to remember this!
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echt · 11/04/2022 02:31

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I think it's wrong to blame Friend 1. It's also a lie that you'll easily be caught out in since it seems your DCs end up in the middle of your conversations with friends.

You need to tell the truth and you need to do it sooner rather than later. You don't need to give a big explanation to Friend 2 just 'sorry it's not going to work this time, maybe we can arrange it for another time.'

Agree wholeheartedly with this. Especially the "maybe" of arrangements in future.

You were caught on the hop, so get back to F2 asap.

As trying as F2's year has been, you don't need this level of angst on your honeymoon.
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AnnesBrokenSlate · 11/04/2022 02:31

I wasn't being critical of your DCs being in the middle of conversations. It just means you're more likely to be caught in a lie so it's best to go with the truth.

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:33

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I wasn't being critical of your DCs being in the middle of conversations. It just means you're more likely to be caught in a lie so it's best to go with the truth.

It's ok, the image just made me laugh because the kids are everywhere. There's literally one attached to me right now asleep, farting and snoring with its legs across DH 😂😂😂
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Rememberallball · 11/04/2022 02:33

What about pointing out this isn’t just your holiday but 2 families and, while it would be nice for her to visit this place she loves so much with friends around her, adding other people to the previously agreed group just isn’t going to work on this occasion because it has already been sorted out and you can’t suddenly change the group dynamic without the other family’s agreement.

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JudyPludy · 11/04/2022 02:35

DH to be thinks it's all amusing. I said to him what had happened and he said "Just give her the wrong destination address 😂"

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daisychain01 · 11/04/2022 03:11

Sensible DH To Be under these circumstances. I was going to suggest not giving F2 any further information about the arrangements.

She shouldn't be gatecrashing your private arrangement. It doesn't sound like the sort of set up that would be conducive for her anyway, so you'd be doing her a favour.

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LollyLol · 11/04/2022 03:15

I like the sound of your DH to be and your unconventional honeymoon sounds like a riot! I'd love to come please!

But seriously I hope your friend doesnt get the hump, you've every right to backtrack and say no.

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missnevermind · 11/04/2022 03:19

Apologise to her for saying yes and explain that you had no right to say anything before discussing it with the other adults involved.
Perhaps go with the arrangements are already being set in place and you are all happy with how it is planned and will not change anything now.
But yes it would be lovely to arrange to do something together after.

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TigerLilyTail · 11/04/2022 03:37

I also think it's a bit unfair to blame Friend 1.

I would just say that after thinking about it all, you've decided it's too much to have another guest join as everything is so busy with the kids and the other friend coming and suggest meeting up for lunch when you get back.

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DailySheetWasher · 11/04/2022 03:59

I think you can back out without saying exactly why. There's less chance of her being offended or trying to argue down any excuse you give, which puts you back at square 1, eg. you say it's going to be really full on and she says 'I don't mind!' what next?

Try being very vague, something like...

"I've had more of a think about it, and chatted to the other people and it's just not going to work. Sorry I agreed initially when I was caught off guard and in front of the kids"

... and then suggest an alternative without even stopping for breath!

If she pushes for a reason, something very mysterious like 'I promise you it's nothing personal but I'm really not able to talk about it'.

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